Original subtitles

Hi, I'm David Faustino, Bud Bundy, Merriwood Children. This is what happens

I drink. My money's gone, my mother's a midget, and my wife left me for my

neighbor, Julio. This is my best friend, Corin Nemec, former star of TV's Parker

Lewis Can't Lose. He did lose. My manager's been with me since I was in

Now he's in diapers.

When I'm not trying to kill myself, I run a porn shop left to me by a crazed

fan. Oh, and I'm also freakishly short. Thanks, God.

Don't fucking tell me you can't babysit now.

You said yesterday you were going to babysit. I swear to God, I'm coming over

there. I'll cut your fucking throat open. I'll smash your face in with a

you fucking bitch.

Phil, is it 12?

Oh, she's 12.

Give me a break.

She sucked almost as much cock as you have.

Now who are we going to get?

Ah, let's see if Bastino hasn't leaked off a bridge yet.

Hello?

Yeah, Dave, remember when you fucked my wife?

Yeah, I mean, that was a long time ago. Yeah, yeah, you know something?

My wife still laughs about the size of your...

If it was a quarter of an inch smaller, it would be a pussy.

Okay,

look. You gotta come over and babysit.

Which one?

You know which one.

Now? Look, you owe me, you little fucking faggot.

Swimming!

Well, looks like you're going swimming, Dave.

Hi. Oh, you two know each other?

Not really.

Good to see you. Good to see you.

You fucking whore. Welcome to my world, Dave.

How do I duck, didn't you, sweetheart?

You know how much this cost me in special ed? A hundred thousand a month.

think it doesn't eat good? Go ahead, ask him his name. Ask him his name.

Uh, what's your name?

He wants to take part in the retard Olympics.

They give medals.

Anyway, have fun. The liquor cabinet's locked, so don't even bother.

And if you bring that Parker Lewis asshole here, I'll shoot him. It's

won't bring him here. Dave, thank you so much. Really appreciate it. You're

welcome. Mommy loves you. Oh, hurry up. Don't worry about us now.

Don't worry about us. We'll be all right.

Okay, buddy.

You ready to have some fun?

No hitting, okay? Let's go. Come on. Food time.

All right. Come on. Let's go. We'll go eat now, okay? Come on. Enough hitting.

Enough hitting. Let's go eat.

Okay. Big bite, Sparky.

Open it. Come on. It's good for you.

Now that's good.

I don't want a needle dick.

Who told you I had a needle dick?

My mommy.

Well, just eat the food, okay?

I don't want any. Your turn.

Something's the matter. Huh?

Yeah, I... Dave, Dave, put the retard on.

Uh, no, he's busy playing right now.

Then he's holding his cock.

Now he's not getting a fucking medal.

I guess we'll go ahead and get out of here now.

Babysitting money.

If you don't get out of here right now, I'll smack you like the fucking bitch

you are.

That's right.

Just get the fuck out.

Unbelievable.