Original subtitles

Oye, por ahí viene Bill Cosby. Oye, ¿eh?

Claire? Have you seen my other blue argyle socks?

For the past three months, you've been asking for that sock.

Now, why don't you face it? It's gone.

No, it'll turn up. I think you got lost in the laundry, honey. Why don't you

give this one to me?

and I'll use it as a dust rag. No, you don't use my sock as a dust rag.

Come on, no.

Socks do this on purpose.

When they're together, they say, listen, you go, and I'll go, and then he'll

find one of us, and then he'll walk around, Claire, have you seen my sock?

Claire, have you seen my sock? Claire, have you seen my sock? And then he'll

throw you away, and then I'll show up. It drives him crazy. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I'll buy you a new pair for your birthday.

No, that's not necessary, dear.

Well? How do you want to celebrate?

Oh, doesn't make any difference. Just nothing special. Oh, no, come on now.

This is a very special birthday.

Are you kidding? Just because there's a number and then you put a zero on the

end of it?

Am I hearing the sound of a man who is afraid of turning 50? I am not afraid. I

mean, I just jumped to 60. If you want me to, I'm not sure.

Okay, then how do you want to celebrate?

Just something simple with... The children and you and a present.

A present? Yeah.

You can get me a giraffe.

A giraffe?

Yeah. Cliff, where are you going to put a giraffe?

Put him in the basement.

and cut a hole in the kitchen so it's clear to come out.

And you walk by and pet him and give him little leaves and everything.

I would not get my heart set on the giraffe if I were you. See, there you

You keep asking me what I want, then I say what I want, then you tell me I

get my heart set on it. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know.

For your birthday, we'll give you something you've never had.

Maisels. No.

What? A party for you and your friends. Just you and your friends.

Well, what about the children?

You could have a party with the children in the afternoon, but at night, you can

have the adult party. You're kidding. No, and you can invite whomever you

please. I can?

Yes. Oh, I'm ready. Just a second. Wait a minute. I'm going to get a pad and a

pencil, and we're going to start this right now.

Put down Harry Jefferson.

Harry Jefferson. Harry Jefferson. Put him down. Play football at school with

him. Yes, yes, I remember Harry Jefferson. This is that clown that

the liquid out of the cans and then puts them on his head and smashes them.

Oh, dear, that was 30 years ago. You don't know that. Lord only knows what

man's head looks like.

All right.

Clarence Petway.

Put Clarence down. We were in medical school together.

He used to come to dinner talking about accident victims he was treating in the

emergency room.

Yeah, well, he loves his work. So I'm supposed to spend three days cooking so

can come and wreck everybody's appetite.

So you don't want clients?

Next.

Okay. Here's somebody that you and I haven't seen in a while.

Okay.

Mark Etten.

Dear Mark Etten, come on now. He's your friend and he's my friend. He's your

friend. Margie Etten is my friend.

Of course, the two of them aren't together anymore.

Yeah, well, they got divorced, that's true, but Margie has remarried, and her

last name isn't Etten anymore. It shouldn't have been Etten to begin with.

You said to me, I think, Cliff's gonna have a grown -up party, and

you can choose whomever you want. I gave you three names, and every time you

went...

I want you to choose the one you like most of the ones you dislike.

All right.

Mark Edmonds. All right.

I'm going to bury my grudges for one evening. And bless you for your

Here's another one. Somebody who helped me when I was young and growing up

and helped me to mature.

Who?

Eunice Chantilly.

Did you like the scrambled eggs with peanut butter?

No. I made it.

I loved it, Mike. I loved it. Wonderful.

Okay, so now here we go with the main event, all right?

What do you mean?

You know what I'm talking about. Where's my present?

Dad, the lunch wasn't a present.

No. No, I don't... Dad, you asked for a birthday lunch and you got it. No, my

present. I'm talking about something in a box with a ribbon on it. Let's hit it.

You told us to keep it simple.

Right. Simple and expensive.

Okay, Cliff, the children do have something. That's right.

Now, I take it it must be in the living room. Yes, but don't look.

Huh? Don't look. Okay. Okay, now close your eyes and follow me. Close my eyes

and follow you.

Come on. Where are you going to lead me? Come on.

Are you sure your eyes are closed? Of course, but why is the easel there?

No fair. You pee.

Well, I'm sorry. I had to see the chair.

Have a seat, Dad.

Let us begin.

Turning 50 is a monumental event in a man's life.

Oh, Lord, who let this child in, Holly?

Some men have been known to be traumatized by reaching the half

And with this in mind, dear Father, we'd like to make you feel more comfortable

about your age. This is Dad.

And so, we proudly present things that are older than Dad.

is older than dad.

The wheel is older than dad.

Fire is older than dad.

Dirt is older than dad.

All of these items have one thing in common. They have proven themselves

the test of time and we need them very much.

my present, please.

I'll give a present for you. Happy birthday, Dad.

Thank you very much. We all chipped in for this. Yeah, we figured it was

something you could really use.

All right.

Now, what is it?

It's a key ring that beeps when you clap.

Oh, really?

Yeah, we bought it because you're always losing your keys. So now when you lose

them, all you have to do is this.

with her. Let me try.

I want to try.

Yay!

I'll try.

I'll do it from back here.

That's because you're sitting too close.

Poor adult.

Okay, it's a practical joke, right?

No. You all have a button you're pressing somewhere.

Dad, maybe your hands aren't built right.

My hands are fine.

It's supposed to work for everybody.

Well, it doesn't work for me.

Well, then, can I have it? No, you can't have it.

This is something that I will cherish forever. It was given to me by... my

children, even if it doesn't work.

At

least

I told you the truth.

When we first met, you told me you were a famous actress. I was famous.

Where? In Saginaw, Michigan.

good for 50, but I'd be lying.

No.

I'd say you look good, but you never did look good.

Who is this? Is this your wife? Oh, Cliff, you remember my daughter, Ellen?

No, not Ellen. Used to dribble milk down in front of my shirt. Hi, Dr. Huxley.

Yeah. Doctor, you call me Uncle Dr.

Huxley. Hi. Hi, everybody.

Sorry I'm late. Traffic was backed up for miles outside Philadelphia.

Admit it. You got lost.

He did.

Hello, Mark.

How are you, Claire? I'm fine. Ellen, how are you?

What a surprise!

We weren't expecting to see you.

I know. It was my mom's weekend, but she came down with a cold this morning.

I only wish I knew you were coming. All the girls have gone to see a movie.

Oh, that's okay.

No, no, no. My son is here. You know, you can hang out with him.

Yeah. Theo!

Yeah, Dad? Come on down. I want you to meet some people.

All right, be right down. All right. Well, Theo's home alone, you know.

He's got no place to go. Hi.

Son, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Mark Etton.

Hi. And his daughter, Ellen.

Hi. Nice meeting you. Son, I was thinking maybe you'd like to take Ellen

movie tonight.

Well, Dad, I would like to, but I just made plans.

This is really not a problem. I can set an extra place.

Come on, let's go eat.

Yeah, let's go.

Come on, I want to talk to you in the kitchen.

Oh, man.

Well, Claire, it's been a long time, hasn't it? Yeah, it has.

How's everything after law?

Busy.

How's underneath adjusting to college life?

Fine.

Son.

I would really appreciate it if you would look after Ellen tonight. I don't

think she's going to have fun with all these adults.

Yeah, but Dad, a bunch of kids from school are meeting down at the roller

Okay, well then take her with you.

Dad, I can't take Ellen out with me in public.

Why? Dad, she's just a kid.

She's 12.

Do you know what people say if they saw me skating with a 12 -year -old? They

say I was Robbie McRadle.

That girl is gorgeous. She's beautiful.

I'm sorry, I'll see you at 12.

There's a certain age that you said to me, Dad, I'm going to party, party,

party, and then when I'm burnt out, I'm going to look around for a woman to

settle down with. Remember? What age is that?

24. When you're 24, she will be around 20 or 21, and

you're going to be looking around for somebody.

Now, wouldn't it be nice to lay a little track and be nice to her so that she

would remember you when you're 24?

All right, Dad.

I mean, I'll do it. Only because it's your birthday.

Thank you. And on my 24th birthday, if she turns out to be as beautiful as you

think she will be, you have to find her and bring her to my party.

All right.

happened to that story since then. And I think people want to hear it. I have

not thought of that ski trip for ages.

That was a wonderful weekend.

That was a wonderful weekend.

This room here suggests that we all go skiing. Everybody at this table knows

that we did not know how to ski.

Did we go out and buy some stuff?

My name is Hector, and I'm going to ski beautifully, and you can eat my snow.

We all were just so lucky that Margie was around. Whenever any of us fell

she was the first one there saying, come on, get up, you can do it. Remember

that? She did have team spirit. Margie never complained about anything.

Except the cold. I spent a fortune buying her hot chocolate that weekend.

I can't blame Margie for that. It was cold.

Yeah, well, I think we've all been sitting here too long. Why don't you all

into the living room and Claire and I'll do some cleaning up. We'll be right in.

Good idea.

Let's move it quick before they start another football story.

Okay, no more football stories. But did I ever tell you all about the time when

Cliff and I ran frat? No, no, no.

Leave that man.

Huh? Cutting up there complaining that Margie spent too much money on hot

chocolate that weekend.

Oh, it's just a joke, dear. That was a very poor joke, Cliff, and you know

better because you were there. It was cold.

I know. I drink a lot of hot chocolate, too.

Yes. You didn't complain about me.

No, I didn't, dear, but I tell you what. Why don't you and I go in and brew some

coffee, take some deep breaths, okay, and then we'll go into living room. I

don't know. Oh, if I want to be in the same room with that man sitting up there

looking like a peacock criticizing Margie, I might go over there and smack

Well, I tell you, you go in and you brew the coffee. I'll go upstairs and get a

football helmet and put it on his head.

Just a little joke.

So, uh, what grade are you in?

Seventh.

What grade are you in?

Eleventh. Did you like the seventh grade?

Seventh grade. You know, that was so long ago, I could barely remember it.

Do you like movies?

Oh, I love movies. Really? Did you see Return of the Walking Dead?

No. Well, you should see it. It's a pretty good movie.

I'm not allowed to see horror movies.

You mean you've never seen a horror movie?

I can only see G movies.

Oh.

Let's get moving with the job.

Hey, I just finished making a lovely presentation.

Where's Claire?

She's down in the basement soaking the tablecloth.

I'll go down and help her. No, I think you'd be better off up here with me.

You don't. I said you'd be better off up here helping me.

There's a problem, isn't there? Yeah, but I thought when I was invited over

tonight, I was finally forgiven for what happened between Marge and me. I think

Claire just needs a little time, that's all.

I'd really like to talk to Claire.

Okay, go ahead, but just remember one thing. You don't have me to block for

With the way you block, I got used to running unprotected.

Okay, well, good luck now. I hope you get things straightened out, and when

do, then I hope she will let you come over and play with me. All right. Hey, I

got the coffee. I'm taking it in.

Oh, Cliff, I'm coming into the living room just as soon as I put these dishes

the dishwasher.

But let me help you. That's all right, Mark. I've really got this under

Why don't you just join the rest of the people?

Claire, are we ever going to clear this up between us? Clear what up? The fact

that ever since Marge and I got divorced, I've been in the doghouse with

Mark, I really don't think this is the time for us to talk about this.

You're right. I'll bring it up when we're all in the living room having

I think I see a smile there.

But it's okay.

I won't tell anybody. You better leave me alone. I'm angry with you.

Well, at least you said it.

Thank you. You're welcome.

How can I get you to stop being angry with me?

I don't know.

Claire, it's been five years since the divorce. Mark, I have a very good

Now, you did something that I cannot easily forgive.

Look, I'm not denying it. I cheated on Margie. Yes, you did.

And I'm sorry for what I did.

I was wrong. I hurt her. Yes, you did.

When I realized what I had done, I was never sorrier in my life.

I haven't stopped loving Margie, but she's remarried and happy.

I can't beg her to come back.

But for the rest of my life, I'll never, ever find a friend like her.

Margie is a good friend.

We get along now.

She says she's forgiven me.

Are you telling the truth?

Yes. All I ask is that you think about giving me a chance.

I'll think about it.

Because Cliff said if we work it out, you let me come over and play with him.

Do you mind if I shoot some hoops? No.

Okay.

Looks like you've got a pretty good dunk shot.

You know about basketball?

Yeah. My dad and I go to a lot of games together.

Really? Uh -huh. If the 76ers make it into the finals, Dad said he'd get us

tickets. Whoa.

Dad and I do a lot of great things together.

Like last summer, we took a backpacking trip to Maine. And next month, we're

going to Colorado to do some whitewater rafting.

What's the matter?

Well, I'm trying to picture Vanessa and my dad alone in a raft going down a

river.

My dad likes to do these things with me.

I think he wants to make the most of our time together.

How long have your parents been divorced?

About five years.

Was it rough?

Well, I was only seven, and I cried a lot. But I'm 12 now, and I understand

these things happen.

What's it like for your mom?

She got married about two years ago to my stepfather.

He's pretty cool.

I don't know if I could handle having two fathers.

It's okay.

Just as long as you know that everybody loves you and that they all get along.

Well, you seem to be pretty together about all this.

Thanks. How about we take a shot?

Okay.

I'm better at watching.

Do you know how to roller skate?

Yeah. How would you like to go down to the roller skating rink? Sure. All

let's get our coats.

One thing.

We may run into some of our friends down there.

How about if I tell him that you're babysitting me?

Helen, you don't have to do that. Come on.

You just tell him you're my cousin from Missouri.

Okay.

No. Oh,

Cliff.

This was a terrific party. Thank you.

I think it's a sin that we don't get together more than we do. I agree.

Yeah, listen, I have an idea.

Let's all go skiing again.

Don't try to leave this house without cake.

Wait a minute.

You're giving away our food. I beg your pardon. They have to take this cake from

the house. I'll eat it. We're doing you a favor, Cliff. You should learn to live

without cake.

That's right. But this is for your daughter. And I'm calling the rink to

know it's on the way. All right. You're going to call me about lunch, right? Oh,

yes. All right. Good night.

Adieu. Adieu.

Parting is such sweet sorrow. Will you please take that phony accent?

Happy birthday, brother. Go ahead. Thank you.

Hey, man. All right. I'll see you. Yes, and I'll be blocking for you. Thanks.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, that was lovely. That was lovely. Thank you. Nice.

Thank you so much. I enjoyed it. I'm glad you enjoyed that. Yeah.

You all did something, didn't you?

Come on, come on. What did you do? It doesn't like you, Cliff. The queuing

not like you.

But I do.

You do?

Oh, yes.

So if I clap, will you beep for me?

Maybe.

I had a talk with Mark in the kitchen. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. So did you smack him?

No. I listened to him. Well, good.

It's tough being divorced and having your friends like you and not like

you. I would imagine that if we were divorced, how many people... You've been

thinking about this?

What I'm talking about is I was just trying... What are you talking about?

trying to make a point. What is the point?

There is no point. I wasn't... I didn't say anything.

And just where do you think you'd stay if we broke up? First of all, I don't

think I could live if we broke up. You'd know where you'd stay.

Where? You'd go over to that fool's house.

That fool that puts the cans on top of his head and squashes them.

Yes, you could.

And you all would have a bachelor party. Yes, you would. No, I wouldn't. And

have all night parties. Come on. No,

I would not. And you're going to be sorry when I say what I have to say,

is the truth.

That when the children were in there and brought the cake with the candles and I

blew them out, the wish was that you and I would always be in love with each

other forever and married and together.

Forever. Now.

You did that? Yes, I did. Because you are a lawyer, and if we got divorced,

would take me for everything.

You got that right.

Yes, indeed.

Come on, let's go to bed.

Now you're talking.

Now, first of all, I want you to know that I'm happy my birthday is over

this stomach of mine, no more cake in this thing.

The Cosby Show is taped before a studio audience.