Original subtitles

Oye, por ahi viene Bill Cosby, oyele!

Taking it straight down the line.

Daddy, do you know where my vet t -shirt is? I sure do. It's down in the dryer.

When are you going to bring it up? Why should I bring it up?

You put it in.

Really?

Well, the load is finished, and I think you can go down and get it.

All right.

All right, and while you're down there, take all the other clothes out and fold

them. I have to do everything.

Oh, it's a pitiful life.

It's going to be so dynamic.

Hey, man.

Hey, Dr. Oxford. What's so dynamic?

My party.

Cockroach's parents said he could have a party.

Yeah, it's going to be me, Theo, and 20 of the most incredible women at school.

20 incredible women and just you and Theo?

That's right. And we're only inviting the high -voltage women. High -voltage?

They have to be at least a 500 -watt bulb to get inside the door.

Well, wait, wait, wait a minute. I thought, aren't you and Tanya going

Well, yeah, we are, but she's going to be out of town.

And you don't think she's going to mind?

Dad, I'm just doing this for Cockroach. It's his party. It could be all guys for

all I care.

Now look me straight in the face and not smile and say that again.

It could be all guys.

My son cannot tell a lie without laughing.

Come on, Theo. Let's get started on these invitations.

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Snake! Snake!

What? Snake!

Where? Where?

Down there in the basement. No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Get

yourself together. No, no, no.

Is there really a snake down there, or is this a person who does not want to

fold clothes?

But, Daddy, there's really a snake down there. Okay, wait one second. Fellas, go

down and see if there's a snake in the basement.

Sure, okay?

No, no, no, wait. Just settle yourself down. Let's talk.

Okay, if you saw it, fine. No, no, no, come on, come on. We will talk about it.

We will talk about it, okay? What's going on?

Well... says she saw a snake in the basement.

Oh, come on, Dad. A snake.

But there is.

Rudy, it was probably just a hole.

No, it wasn't a snake. It tried to bite me, but I ran real fast.

All right, let me ask you a question.

Would you recognize it if you saw a picture of it in a book?

Yeah. All right. Vanessa, would you please get the reptile book? Are you

serious? I am very, very serious because we have to...

Recognize the snake. Oh, okay, I got you now. Thank you.

Daddy, that snake was scary.

Yes, well, it's all right to be afraid of a snake, because some of them are

poisonous, you see, but then the others are harmless.

I hate them all.

Why? Because they stick their tongue out like this.

Okay, here we go. The reptile family.

Sort of a hoo -hoo -hoo of snakes.

Okay, here.

That's it.

This is the snake?

That's an anaconda.

It lives in Brazil.

Rudy, it's 25 feet long and weighs 200 pounds.

That's what I saw.

I don't think... This snake lives in the United States.

It could come for a visit.

I saw it. We saw the snake.

See, I told you. And it's about this long.

And it's kind of grayish brown.

Was it poisonous?

Well, I didn't ask it.

Dad, we have to do something. This thing could be poisonous.

Oh, okay. Son, would you come over here, please, and take a look and tell me

what you saw downstairs.

Okay. You know, I saw this movie once where this lady lived in an old creepy

house. And one stormy night, she went and opened the closet, and the snake

jumped out of a hat box and wrapped itself around her head.

Oh.

You know, I saw that movie.

It was choking and gagging and rolling around on the floor.

Vanessa, please.

Oh, but it didn't hurt her. You know, it was just playing.

Here it is. Found it.

Okay. Is it poisonous?

Uh, no. It says here it's non -venomous. Uh -huh. It's a common garter snake.

Yeah. They're harmless. It's harmless, dear. But, Dad, this thing is still in

our house.

Well, what should we do?

Kill it.

Rudy, please.

Snap it in half.

We're not going to kill it. We're not going to snap it in half.

Now, what we'll do is we will catch it.

I will catch it.

Dr.

Heathcliff, bring him back alive.

Huxtable, we'll catch the snake. Now, all I need to do is round up a posse who

will help me. Not me.

Tell me in. All right. Out.

I will be at Hamelin.

Walter, would you please look after Rudy? Yes, sir. This snake is out of

Well, wait. Now, you don't have to... You don't have to go down there with an

attitude. You know, this is... This is not Wild Kingdom.

Okay. Wait to see it. Over there by the drive. All right.

How big did you say it was?

About this big.

Okay, show me where you saw it.

Right over there.

You're afraid.

No, I'm not afraid. I just don't want the thing on me.

Come on.

Now, get the gloves so I can pick it up.

You see it's right here?

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, get the pillowcase.

Get the pillowcase here.

Now, what we'll do is you get over here. Okay.

Now, I'll lift this back, and when it runs that way, you scoop it up in the

pillowcase.

Got it?

Okay. But, Dad. Huh?

What if it gets angry and it jumps up in my face?

On the count of three.

One, two.

out of here before it climbs up the steps.

They can't climb stairs.

They can't? No.

How'd you know that?

It's a scientific fact.

Really? Yeah.

Okay. Well, come on. We have to get here.

You know, it may not be easy. A lot of places for it to hide. Yeah.

I knew it was you. All the time. Okay.

I knew it was you. Come on. Come on. Let's go.

One, two, three.

Scissors, cut, paper. I win again.

Okay. Ah, no licking.

Okay. Ready?

Mm -hmm.

I'll get it.

Hey, Pete. How's it going?

You mean a toy snake, right?

No, I mean a real snake.

Hey! Did you catch it?

Well, we tried, but we couldn't, honey. We only saw it once, and that thing is

fat. Cliff, what is going on?

Oh, we just have a little visitor in the house, a little garter snake.

And it's alive?

Oh, but Denise, I don't want you to worry, because I'm here for you.

Mommy, can you catch it?

Oh, honey, I'm sure your father did everything he could.

Maybe the snake left the house.

Huh?

Yeah. See?

Could I speak to you in the kitchen for a minute?

Sure. I'll be right back.

Okay. Won't be gone but a minute.

And, Rudy, don't worry about some little old tired snake.

Cliff, I want it out of my house.

it out of you now.

Well, see, we are... No, Cliff, no.

This is my house, too, you know.

Yes, I know that.

But aren't you the same person who just told the baby that the snake may have

left? I said that for Rudy's sake.

Okay, well, Theo and I tried to find the snake.

Cliff, don't laugh at me. No, I'm not.

Cliff, if you love me, you are going to go down in that basement.

I had to find it. I did. Well, you better if you want me to stick around.

I want you to. I want you to stick around.

Do you know how I feel about snakes, Cliff?

I do.

Oh, Cliff, don't play innocent with me. I was never afraid of snakes until you

did what you did.

I was 12 years old.

You were sneaking up behind me and throwing that rubber snake across my

shoulders like that.

But I only did that to show you that I liked you.

gardens today.

What are you doing now?

I'm going to get somebody over here to catch it. Who?

I don't know.

The zoo.

The zoo?

The zoo does not want a garter snake.

Garter snakes go to the zoo to see real snakes.

Well, then I'll call an exterminator.

For what?

I am not going to have a scaly, wiggly, four -tongued

Okay, okay, but the things cannot come up the steps.

How do you know that?

Snakes cannot climb stairs.

Who told you that? It is a scientific fact.

Then how do snakes get into trees?

Okay, how does it sound for the imitation?

Party at Cockroach's house all night long.

Beavis. Can't say that. See, because my parents told me the party has to be over

at 10 .30.

That's a drag.

Yeah, you know, I wouldn't have this problem if I had my own apartment.

You know what?

You and I should get a place together after high school.

Definitely. Picture it.

A big bachelor pad overlooking the river. And with dimmers and all the

And a bearskin rug on the floor. In every room.

Come in.

I'm almost ready.

Oh, Denise.

How would you like to come to a party at my house next Saturday night? Oh,

cockroach, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving for college next Saturday.

That's all right. See, because in a few years, you can come to a party at our

apartment overlooking the river.

Oh, the river.

Yeah. We're going to fill the place with things that women love, like bearskin

rugs. Oh, yeah, we love those things.

You know what else we love?

Curtains that open and close by remote control.

Remember that.

And I'm telling you, it is not that easy to find a snake in the basement.

That man is a professional.

He knows what he's doing.

Mom, if the exterminator catches the snake, will he kill it?

Well, I ask him not to. I mean, after all, the snake is a living creature.

I believe that all life is precious.

What about spiders?

Spiders, too. What about sharks?

What about slugs?

Hey, thanks for letting me stay for dinner. You're welcome.

That's about it.

You caught the snake.

I didn't even see it.

And I looked everywhere.

In the rafters, in storage boxes, under the sink.

So, sir, would you say as a professional, it's tough to find a snake

basement? It's darn near impossible.

Ha!

Especially in the basement.

People got something they don't want. It's sticking in the basement.

Somebody don't work, they stick it in the basement.

Lots of hiding places.

Snake heaven.

Well, maybe the snake left the house.

Not likely.

This time of year, snakes start looking for a place to hibernate.

Hibernate? He's gonna hibernate in here?

If he finds a warm place, he'll be here till next spring.

You're kidding. Next spring?

Yeah, but don't worry about that. It won't be up here because snakes can't

up the stairs.

Where'd you hear that?

That's not true.

No, they can climb up stairs, up water pipes, through air ducts, you name it,

they can climb it.

I'm no expert, Dad.

Are you trying to say that we have to live with this snake?

But wait, that's not that bad. They only get maybe a foot long.

No, that's not true.

They get longer than that? Okay, well, maybe they get a foot and a half.

That's not true.

They can get up to three, four feet. But that's only if they're out in the woods

somewhere. That's true.

Okay. Unless they can find a nice damn place like your basement.

All right. Well, thank you very much. How much do we owe you? No charge.

It's my pleasure.

Are you sure we can't pay you something?

No, thanks.

But please, don't tell anybody I couldn't find the snake.

Take care. Bye, folks.

Did you hear him?

This thing could get to be four feet long.

Yeah, and it could be anywhere.

It could even be in the air duct.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to grab the palace.

Now, just wait a minute now. Nobody's going to go anywhere.

We're not going to let this thing disrupt our household. We're a family.

We're a unit. And life is going to proceed at a very normal, orderly pace.

understood? Yes.

Fine.

Now, we're going to sit quietly at this table and...

And we're going to eat this dinner that your father has prepared for us with

great love.

Now, let's eat.

Cliff.

This is good.

Good. What did you put in it?

Artichoke heart, hearts of palm, and for a little flavoring, eel.

gaining weight?

No.

You can be honest.

See, I can see it in my face.

No, no, I don't see it in your face.

Where do you see it?

Well, I am gaining weight.

And if I get too big, will you tell me?

No.

Why not?

Because then you'll get angry. Oh,

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you ask the children and I'll tell you you can get angry with them.

Rudy in the bed?

Yeah, she's sleeping with Vanessa.

She was so scared she wouldn't get in the bed until I checked under the

That is terrible being afraid.

You know, when I was young, I hated being scared.

You are kidding me.

You used to make me take you to see school. Scary movies. You would say, I

to see the haunted house. I want to see the vampire that ate up Detroit.

Those silly movies didn't scare me.

You lie.

No, they didn't. You used to sit next to me and squeeze my hand, and then you

would jump and put your arms around me and bury your head in my chest.

Well, now, why do you think I wanted to see those movies?

Oh, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite,

bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite,

bite.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Okay, I'll go get Theo.

You don't.

Don't leave me by myself.

All right, then you go get Theo.

I'm not getting out of this bed.

All right. Okay, now, I've got to have some help. Now, you've got to help me.

All right?

Try to get... Okay.

What's the matter?

Okay,

it's coming this way.

It's coming this way. You've got to calm down.

You've got to calm down.

You've got to calm down. There you go.

I'll get the snake for you there.

There you go.

Okay, now.

Where is it now? Where did you... Okay,

now. Take this.

Go over on that side.

Open this up.

And just put it down.

And I'll chase the snake that way. You just...

Come on.

Get ready. When I count three, I'll secure him that way. Okay. Go ahead.

Okay.

He's already over there.

Okay.

Stay right where you are.

He's over there.

and I'm going to frighten him that way.

You drop the pillowcase, scoop him up, all right?

Okay? You got it?

All right, I'll steer.

Hi, little fella.

Will you climb up the steps all by yourself?

Don't talk to him.

Okay, here we go. On the count of three.

One, two...

set it free. Daddy, can I see the snake?

Do you really want to? Yes.

Okay. Stay there.

Do you really want to see it? Yes. Okay.

Here.

There.

It's not very big.

No. It's kind of cute.

Uh -huh.

For a snake.

Mom, do you want to see it?

I've already seen it.

All right. I'm going to set it free.

Me too.

Let's get some sleep, huh?

Okay. Good night.

Good night.

Just hope it didn't have any babies.

The Cosby Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.