Original subtitles

Dad, Martha's diaper too is out. We've got to go to the store and buy it before

they're all gone.

You know, I've been out of work for a while, man. Money's a little tight,

though. Now's not a good time, okay?

How about now?

Max, when I was your age, I didn't have any toys, man, and I still had fun.

I bought you toys.

Mom, walkie -talkies?

I was an only child with no friends.

George 1, this is George 2. What's your 20? Over.

I'm right here!

Honey, I was thinking. I know it's our anniversary next week, but since we're

catching up on our bills, why don't we let each other off the hook this year,

huh?

Yes! No gifts!

Oh, you don't know the hell I go through trying to find you some overpriced,

meaningless piece of... I didn't say no gift!

I just think this year we should give each other something that represents our

love, you know? Something creative that comes from the heart.

Oh, man.

Ah, this is too weak.

In Cuba, even babies drink coffee stronger than this.

Yeah, that's because they haven't had milk since 1959.

George, can you take my dad to Thirsty's with you? I can't get any work done

with him here in the house.

What's his problem?

He can't open his practice until his medical license transfers from Florida.

He's going crazy. He's dying to get back to work.

All right.

But you know, he could always be like a back alley cardiologist.

Oh, yeah.

Get in the van.

I'm doing angioplasty for 20 bucks.

And I'll throw in the speakers, huh?

You like the subwoofer? How about the tweeters, okay?

Sometimes when you don't get what you want, you've got to work the system a

little. You know, like when Grandma wants a free dinner, she... Comes to our

house? No.

She goes to a restaurant and lies that it's her birthday.

I wish I could have a fake birthday party.

Well, maybe you can.

How would I do that?

First, first you've got to find a bunch of kids that don't know when your real

birthday is. You know, kids you can fool.

The kids from my special ed class.

They barely know me.

Hey,

what two -for -one daiquiri?

You know, a daiquiri is named after a Cuban river.

Now it just reminds me how things used to be before the revolution.

Today I wouldn't drink a daiquiri unless it was made from Castro's frozen slushy

blood.

Daiquiri River run into a valley call, get over it?

Three beers.

Sorry, my mind is burdened.

Look, Vic, man, I know it's going to be a while before you can practice

cardiology, man, but think of it this way.

There's a whole generation out there of obese children who are only getting

fatter.

Hey, cha -ching!

That's not what's troubling me.

It's my brother, Octavio.

He was supposed to be getting out of Cuba this month, but I found out this

morning that Castro won't let him go.

Angie doesn't know, does she? No, didn't have the heart to tell her. She hasn't

seen her uncle since she was 12, and now she may never get the chance. You know

what?

If Castro was here right now, we could take turns kicking his khaki -covered

ass.

I'd be into that. Me too.

And then while he was laying on the floor picking teeth out of his beard, we

could go down to Cuba and box my brother out. Hey, you're damn right we could.

Hey, just try and stop him. Hey,

we could use my boat.

Hey, calm down.

I'm going to be the pirate of the Caribbean. Hey, I got an eyepatch.

Let's do it, George.

Let's go get him.

I'll buy us plane tickets tonight.

Whoa, Vic, I wasn't serious.

Hey, man, that's just bar talk.

If we did everything we said over a beer, I'd be playing quarterback for the

Raiders and Ernie would be a fighter pilot.

I want to call Simon B. Hotwing.

Hey, hey, this is not a delusion or fantasy for me, huh?

Come on, if Octavio can get a boat, we could meet him in international waters

and take him to Florida.

He sets one foot on land, fills out some paperwork, and then, pan, pan, he gets

asylum.

Listen, Vic, what Castro's doing to your brother sucks, man, but I can't go. I

got a family to think about.

So you're a big afraidy cat.

Yes, I'm a big afraidy cat.

I'm afraid of the ocean. I'm afraid of the Coast Guard, but most of all, I'm

afraid of what Angie would do if she found out.

Well, you don't tell her.

You just surprise her with Octavio as the best anniversary present ever.

Oh, man, that would be a hell of a gift.

What if we get caught?

We'll be rescuing a family member who needs political asylum.

They don't prosecute.

You just gotta risk slapping.

Probably.

Probably?

I want to go.

I want to help somebody get their freedom.

Plus, maybe there'd be a woman floating out there that I could meet before

everybody else in America got a shot.

So, just out of curiosity, what anniversary gift are you planning to

Huh. All right. I was going to make this red paper mache heart, right, out of

toilet paper rolls that says...

Man, if Angie's going to believe our story, man, you've got to sit here and

depressed.

But I'm too excited to act depressed.

Your wife left you for a younger man.

Perfect.

How's my dad doing?

Oh, not good.

Poor daddy.

I haven't seen that look on his face since I told him we were getting

He's so low. I mean, he's talking crazy, Angie.

Why don't you take me and Ernie to Miami for a weekend fishing trip on this

boat? I think that's a great idea.

No, aren't you fishing with your dad?

Oh, it would mean so much to me. Please.

Okay.

Oh, Benny, George is going out of town for the weekend and I've got a lumery

seminar. Can you watch the kids? Sure.

I guess I can think of something to keep him busy.

Thanks.

So, your mom will be working late and your dad will be out of town.

Happy birthday to me.

Give me that class list. We'll start calling you.

All right.

Jamie Anderson.

Hi. This is Benita Lopez, Max Lopez's grandma.

You know, I know that this is last minute, but Max... He's going to have a

birthday party this Sunday, and he would be crushed if Jamie couldn't come. He's

crazy about her.

Him. I'm sorry, him.

I've had a few.

Oh, great.

I bet the birthday boy would like a Martian Sniper 2 video game.

Thank you.

He's kidding me. Perfect.

Oh, no, it's not, because I'm telling Mom and Dad.

All right.

What do I have to do?

You've got to ask one of your little friends for a pink T -shirt that says

Girl on it.

No way! They're going to think it's for me.

Yup.

It's a rotten thing to do.

I know.

And I hate that you're going to ask the next kid for Roach Traps and Flip Flops.

No, just my lunch.

Please, dear God, make the rocking stop.

This is your fishing boat, man. How could you be seasick?

Hey, man, Octavio needs to put one foot on American soil to get asylum.

Do you know how hard that's going to be if he doesn't have any legs?

Yeah, what he said.

Now,

welcome aboard Octavio.

a relative with a flap on the wrist.

Oh, man, what do they slap you when you're caught with a boatload of

Well, that's considered smuggling.

You go to jail for five years.

Five years? What am I going to tell Angie and the kids?

What am I going to tell my mom? She thinks I'm...

a pizza bagel before.

Where the hell is Octavio?

He radioed me these exact coordinates.

Should they hear?

Oh, my God, it's a Coast Guard plane. They found us, George.

Dude, that's a pelican.

This is crazy.

We can't go to jail for a bunch of guys we don't know.

Man, I'm going to call the Coast Guard, tell them we rescued some Haitians, and

end this thing right now. What if Octavio comes when the Coast Guard is

Do you know what would happen to him if he was sent back to Cuba?

Fine. We'll keep looking.

Ernie, make sure these guys stay down here. Hey, George, don't leave me. We're

out of food. What am I supposed to do?

I don't care.

Butter yourself up and play keep away.

Oh, great.

Party girl T -shirt.

Why don't you help yourself to some punch and whatever's left of the cookie?

Hey, guys.

Mom just called. She's coming home early.

We've got to get them out of here.

But we didn't sing or do the cake.

Right.

Okay, kids.

Get over here. Come on. Move it or lose it.

Here we go.

Now, for our song today, we have our own special version, and I'm sure that you

kids will love it. All right.

It's your birthday. Here's your song. Now your song is over.

We had to come back, man. We were run out of fuel.

Come on, we had a good day. Got some sun. We saved a few Haitians.

You puked up those five pounds you were trying to lose.

My brother is floating somewhere in the ocean, and you make the money.

Look, man, maybe somebody else picked him up.

We tried, Vic. We did our best.

Hey, check it out. There's another boat of Haitians.

matter now. We're together.

This is George, Angie's husband.

The one who kept her from college?

Octavio, welcome to America, the land of the free and the home of the brave.

We no longer have to fear an oppressive government.

you couldn't get that new video game you wanted.

So, I picked you up a little surprise.

A puzzle.

A polar bear puzzle.

Look, he's on an iceberg.

All those white pieces are sure going to be a big challenge.

Sorry I'm late.

I went to another birthday party with my sister.

My social life's on fire.

Here. I got you roach traps and flip -flops.

Aren't they pretty swanky at presents?

Max!

You faked your birthday?

And you arranged it?

Angie, I swear on my son's life.

I got here late. I had no idea this was going on. I am as shocked as you.

Benny, I counted on you. There has to be an adult here.

Absolutely. Next time.

are grounded, and you're going to return all the gifts you've got.

That's not all. You're going to give each of these kids a toy of yours in

return. Now, before I take him home, apologize.

I'm sorry, Dee.

Here's one of my toys.

A polar bear puzzle.

Now, why am I being punished?

Oye, chica, say hello to your little friend.

How was the trip?

Great. And I picked up a little anniversary present outside of Miami.

Honey, we weren't supposed to spend any money.

Close your eyes.

Are you what?

Close your eyes.

Okay. Keep them closed.

All right.

Okay, open them.

My little Angie. Look at you, all grown up.

My God, Uncle Octavio.

Angie, Castro wasn't going to let him leave Cuba.

No, I lost all hope of coming.

But this brave man and your father went into the ocean to get me.

They were a little late, and we had to outrun the Coast Guard.

Killing the moment.

My God, George, this is the most amazing thing anyone's ever done for me.

Come on, Octavio.

Let's take your stuff upstairs, eh?

Tomorrow we'll go to a supermarket and I'll show you peanut butter and jelly in

the same jar.

What is peanut butter?

What is toothpaste that whitens and brightens?

What is hot dog with cheese already inside it?

That, mi hermano, is the sweet taste of freedom.

I'm blown away. I don't even know what to say.

Don't say anything.

I'm sure you got me something just as special.

Happy anniversary.

What's this?

I made you a mixtape from the year we met.

So I flew across the country, risked my life on the ocean.

And you give me a tape with, wake me up before you gale -gale.

I'm sorry.

I love it.

Here's your real gift.

Happy anniversary, baby.

I made it.

What about Octavio?

Oh, Angie, he's family.

I would have done that anyway.

George.

I love it.

It's lopsided. It's dented.

Looks like a three -year -old did it.

But I love that it came from your heart.

It sucks, but it's still better than a mixtape. Hey!

You know, if Castro were here right now, I would take an old rusty razor, shave

that beard off, and pour vinegar all over his face.

Ooh, that's thingy.

If Castro were here right now, I would train a pack of dogs just to attack

cigars. Then when he started smoking, they would destroy his face.

Now if Castro were here right now, I would rip his head off with my bare

and put it on backwards so that he would have to look at his own butt.