Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years. And I bet we'll be

together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without a...

That's what we do, baby, without us.

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

That's what we do, baby, without us.

Sha -la -la -la.

Ladies and gentlemen, they said it couldn't be done.

They said there were no tickets left to next Sunday's Steelers -Bengals game.

They said it was a complete sellout.

Stephen, can we skip ahead a few steps? Did you get the tickets?

Did I get the tickets? At least in the world of ticket buying, not a lot of

have my savvy.

Need I remind you of past ticket buying successes? Remember last year?

Front row seats?

Yeah, the Ethel Merman sound -alike contest.

Oh, I can't wait to tell Jennifer. Where is she?

She's at the mall with some of her friends.

Again? You know, Dad, it's getting completely out of hand. I mean, she's

there every day with those new trendy friends of hers. She talks funny, she

dresses funny, she's completely obsessed with her look.

I mean, we gotta put a stop to it. I am running out of normal sisters here.

No offense, Mallory.

None taken.

Hello?

Oh, no, Jennifer's not here at the moment. Can I take a message?

Tell her...

Stacy called.

The new guy in algebra class is like so

gnarly. And

we should scam on him

today. Yeah, okay, I'll tell her.

Another message for Jennifer.

Elise, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I'll tell you, Stephen, I know all that crazy about it myself.

These constant phone calls, the parties, the clothes.

But yeah, I think we just have to ride it out. It's just a phase.

Well, this phase has been going on for three weeks, Elise. How long before it

becomes a serious problem?

About two more minutes.

Come on, you guys. Don't make such a big deal about it. The worst thing we can

do is make Jennifer feel self -conscious.

Just act like nothing's changed.

All right, Jen.

That certainly is a gnarly outfit.

Let me scam on it.

Jennifer, you got some messages piling up here. Beth Hooper called. She's

a party on Saturday.

Well, that's, like, great, Mom, but, like, I have two other much cooler

to go to on Saturday.

Well, at least call her back.

I'll try, but, like, I have all these other messages.

Oh, my God!

That's Mackenzie called. I think he likes me. I'm going to die.

He won't like you as much if you die.

Say, Jen, I've got some good news. I just got some tickets for next Sunday's

Steelers -Bengals game over at Riverfront. Great seats.

Yeah, they're two rows down from the ozone layer.

Like, Dad, like, football is, like, so lame.

Jennifer. You love football. We've gone to this game every year since you were

four. It's a family tradition.

Well, why don't we start a new family tradition of, like, not going?

Jennifer. What has come over you?

Nothing. I'm just growing up, that's all.

I'm not a little kid anymore.

Jennifer, it's like you're a different person entirely.

I am a different person. And I'm, like, a much better one, too.

Ask anybody. I'm gnarly now.

I'm calling the police.

Hi, Jennifer.

Oh, hi, Beth.

Want to sit down?

Sure. I'd love to.

So, how's soccer practice?

It's not the same without you. No one can hit the ball with their head the way

you can. I keep knocking myself unconscious.

You're supposed to meet at our table.

I've got to go, okay, Beth?

Mike, why were you talking to her?

I thought she was someone much cooler.

Hey, you guys, you'll never guess who's on the way in here. Zach Phillips and

Brett McKenzie.

You know, Jennifer, Zach told me that Brett McKenzie thinks you're real cute.

Really? Yep.

Isn't this great, Jennifer?

school like you.

Aren't you happy we became cool?

I am. I am. I'm just too cool to show it.

What's happening, baby? I'm like, hi.

Jennifer.

Been noticing you around a lot lately.

Who, me?

Yeah, you're looking real good.

Thanks, Brett. I try to take care of myself. I get plenty of rest. I brush

between meals and I wash with ivory soap.

Mackenzie, let's both see you babes. Later. Like, bye.

We better get to math class.

Listen, this is hot -sailed Hudson's, you know.

Let's cut class and get some new outfits.

All right.

Hey, wait a minute. Come on, Jennifer.

We've got to do this. We've got to do what they do.

Chrissy, we could get in trouble.

Are you coming or not?

Jennifer, come on.

Like, okay, let's shop. Cool.

$56 for a torn sweatshirt?

Happens to be very stylish, Alex.

Not that you'd know anything about style.

You want to be stylish, Jennifer?

Give me $56.

I'll go upstairs and tear up all your sweatshirts.

Happens to be torn in a special way, Alex.

What happened to Jennifer?

I don't know.

We're still waiting for the test results.

Hi. What's the plan for dinner?

Alex is making dinner.

No, seriously, what's the plan for dinner?

You know, Mallory, I can't take this anymore. What is going on with Jennifer?

I mean, she's talking funny. She's on the phone all the time.

Boys, partying. She's a teenager, Alex.

From what planet?

15 can be a very difficult age. for a girl, Alex, it can be very confusing.

Growing so fast, hormonal changes, she's becoming aware of her sexuality.

Ellen, please, we're in the kitchen here.

You're such a prude, Alex.

A prude? Well, I never.

I got your work cut out for you, Ellen.

What's she mean by that?

I think she means that you're a little uptight.

You got loose or not loose? Me?

Not loose.

So, try not to chew on that side of your mouth for a couple of minutes.

How was Andy's checkup? Great. Dr. Gordon said she had never seen anyone as

advanced at his age.

That's not what she said, Stephen. She said that Andrew was a normal, healthy,

happy baby.

You have to read between the lines. She's not going to offend the other

Look, Andrew is great, but there's no reason for us to believe he's a genius.

No, the odds against two in the same family are astronomical.

Well, we should decide on dinner. Eat here or go out. Alex is making dinner.

No, seriously, we really should decide.

Hey, I thought I heard you. What's the plan for dinner?

Well, we were just talking about that.

I am making dinner.

Well, let me know when you decide, okay?

Oh, and that's one of my shopping... Hey, Jen.

Hi.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Is that yours?

Uh, yeah.

Just some clothes. I got them today.

Uh, I'm curious, Jennifer. How many times have you gone shopping this week?

This week?

Definitely less than 20.

Well, uh, where are you getting all the money? You've used up all your

allowance.

Well, I'm using my babysitting money.

Well, at this rate, it must be gone. You weren't saving that money for a 10

-speed bike.

I know, Mom, but that's not as important as gnarly clothes, you know.

All right, that's it. I can't cook under these conditions.

Helen, come on. You're buying me dinner.

Hello.

Yes, this is Stephen Keaton.

I see.

I see.

No, that's fine.

We'll be there.

That was Mr. Ross, your assistant principal. He wants to see us.

Did he say why?

He told me you cut class this afternoon.

Oh, that's why.

Jennifer, did you do that?

Oh, it was only math class. It's dumb anyway.

You stay right here, young lady. We're not through yet.

Hello.

No, no, Jennifer can't speak on the phone right now.

Party tonight?

No, I'm afraid not.

Goodbye.

to go to that party. Wait, Jennifer.

Wait. Not only is there no party tonight, there's no party tomorrow

There's no party next week. There are no parties.

All of this stops now.

I mean, outside of school, you're not going to be leaving this house.

Alex, please. The Bengals can beat the Steelers. They've done it in the past.

Come on, Dad, you're dreaming. The Bengals are hopeless.

I'm telling the Bengals you said that.

All right, Dad. Okay, look, why don't we just put our money where our mouths

are, okay?

Okay, fair enough. I'm ready for action. A buck says the Bengals take him.

Whoa, Dad.

A buck?

Okay, Ohio Slim, you're on.

Hey, Jen, listen.

Sorry you're not coming to the game.

I'm going to miss you. I mean that.

Whose shoulders am I going to sit on?

Won't be the same without you, Jen. You going to be okay?

Yeah, I'll be all right. I didn't want to go anyway.

Okay, come on, Alex. We got to pick up Ellen.

Hey, Dad, if you're wearing those, you're not sitting next to me.

Okay, Jen, we should be back around six.

Andy should sleep for about two hours.

Anything you need before we go?

No, I'm perfectly fine here all alone by myself.

Okay, well, I want you to get your homework done and clean your room while

gone. You told me ten times.

While we're gone, I want you to think about ways you can change this behavior.

You know, Jen, it's kind of ironic.

Last thing I want to do is go to a football game, and I'm going.

You're the one that should be going.

What makes you think I want to go to a dumb football game with my dumb parents?

You know, Jen, I'm really getting tired of this Little Miss Cool act.

I think it's gone too far, and I think you know it.

What are you trying to prove?

I'm not trying to prove anything.

I'm just trying to have fun. Are you?

Having fun?

Well, not yet.

But I could start you any day now.

Jan, I just think you're giving up too much to be with this crowd.

You become a different person.

You don't want to do anything. You don't want to talk to anyone.

It's like we have a stranger in the house.

Coming!

Just think about it, okay?

Let me see. Do I have everything?

Lipstick, perfume, curling iron?

Let's play football.

Hi, Jen.

Um, Chrissy, you can't come in. My parents don't want me having anyone over

while I'm being punished.

You've got to let me in. The whole crowd is here. We can't tell them to go.

Like, hi.

So,

are your parents, like, really... gone for the whole afternoon.

Well, yeah, they went to a football game. Cool. Like, come on in, guys. The

coast is clear.

All right. All right.

All right.

Wait. Hey,

I'm not supposed to have boys over when my parents aren't here. I'm not supposed

to have anyone over.

Like, grow up, Jennifer, okay?

Anyway, we're not boys. We're dudes.

I don't know about that. Come on, Jennifer.

It was Daisy's idea.

both do i don't get it like what is with this

like i can't find mtv well we don't have mtv you don't get mtv

are you serious uh like my dad works for a um a

public television

So hard to be cool, don't spoil it now.

Christy, that'll have beer.

It's out of our hands, Jennifer.

Your bed?

No, it's in our hands.

Thanks.

So, uh, how about giving me a tour of the rest of the house?

I never heard about any tornado.

It was a small one. It just hit our house.

Oh, hi, Beth.

Like, I can't believe it. Like, look who's here.

I think I'll come back some other time.

No, no, no. It's okay, Beth. Come on in.

Jennifer, this is a private party. Like, no creeps allowed.

Get lost, lame -o.

Hey,

shut up, you guys.

What did you say, Jennifer?

I said shut up.

Beth is my friend and you owe her an apology.

No way.

What makes you guys think you're so much...

You're a loser, Jennifer.

Just like Beth.

Get out.

Come on, guys.

This place is lame city.

She got it.

have to thank me, Beth.

Should have done that a long time ago.

Thanks for staying, Chrissy.

Yeah.

Hey, maybe we could start our own cool group.

Are you in, Beth?

Yeah, I've always been cool.

Once again, the final score, Bengals 31...

Way to go, Bengals.

Sorry I wasn't there to cheer you on.

All right, Alex, we're home.

You said the dollar was up in your room. Quit stalling.

All right, Dad, I'll get it to you, okay? I just need a little time.

I'm giving you 24 hours.

After that, you owe me a dollar and a quarter.

All right, all right. I just have to make a few calls, okay?

How was the game?

It was all right, except the referee kept throwing these hankies on the

Well, Jen, you'll be happy to know Bengals took the Steelers 31 to 28.

That's right. How'd you know? I watched the recap on the news.

So what'd you do while we were gone, Jen?

Oh, a little of this and a little of that.

What's this?

It looks like a beer bottle.

But I could be wrong.

Where did it come from?

Stacy and the girls brought some guys over and they brought it.

You were being punished and you had a party while we were gone?

Don't move, Jen.

This is the last straw. Jennifer, this is inexcusable.

drinking and fooling around. And you didn't stop them. I did.

I threw them out.

They'll probably never speak to me again, but I threw them out.

Did you drink too?

No. I faked it.

Jennifer, we trusted you.

I know, but I didn't invite them.

I don't expect you to believe me after the way I've been acting.

You probably hate me by now.

We don't hate you. I hate you, Jan, but we certainly have not been very thrilled

with you the past few weeks.

My life is a mess, Mom.

Come on, Jan, how can you say that?

You're only 13 years old.

You haven't even been through a tax audit.

Hey, look, Jennifer, I know how you feel.

Gosh, when I was 13, I followed the trendy, materialistic, cool crowd.

It just worked out better for me. That's all.

All I wanted to do was be popular.

Guess there's no chance of that now.

Look. Look, Jim.

This isn't a question of being popular or unpopular.

You've been trying to act like someone you're not.

That'll never make you happy.

I guess you're right, Dad.

I know one thing.

Sure, I'm sorry I missed the football game and being with you guys today.

Wait a minute. Hold on a second.

What's that strange language she's speaking?

Sounds like English.

I'm not going to talk in that dumb way anymore, and I'm not going to hang

with those stupid girls.

I just want my life to be the way it was.

I miss you guys.

Can I be back in the family again?

Well, we're kind of full up right now.

I'll tell you what, Jennifer.

How about I see if I can scrape up some tickets to that Packers game next month?

What do you say?

Like, that would be, like, so gnarly, Dad.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.