Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

It's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do?

Now, Andy, just because my birthday is in a week doesn't mean you have to go

out. I don't want you running around town spending all of your money.

If you want to go into two or maybe three stores, that's fine.

Oh, reading a book to Andrew, Jennifer?

Oh, yeah, The Three Pigs. He loved it. One of his favorite stories.

Inside Seven.

Birthday talk, huh?

He brought it up.

Oh, I'm glad he did. We should start making plans for your party.

Jennifer, I was going to surprise you, but I can't wait.

I've worked out some new puppet skits for this year's party.

Swallow, Dad.

Now, in the first one, Fluffy and Marv are in a boat.

Fluffy is rowing. Stephen, don't you think, Jennifer, it's too old for puppet

shows?

Really? I think so.

Oh, come on, Mom. Dad lives for these puppet shows.

Oh, all right.

It is your birthday party. It's okay, it's okay.

I know, but I don't want Dad to mope.

I'm not going to mope.

All right, you can have your puppet show. Yay!

Well, I'm going to take Andy upstairs and work on some of my new material with

him. Now, Andy, this is important. There are really two puppets. Now, Fluffy's

the funny one.

Now I know why I stopped having birthdays.

All right, everybody, heads up. Ellen's on her way over, and I want to make a

good impression.

Could you all kneel and look up at me adoringly?

All right, okay, you don't have to kneel. Just don't run away, okay?

I need you in here for background.

You know, I liked it a lot better when you dated girls you didn't care about.

I take offense to that.

And that is a slur on my character. You name one girl I've gone out with that I

did not care about.

Sharon Webster.

All right, help me out here. How do I look better?

Sitting or standing or kind of a combination of the two?

That looks most natural.

Hi, Ellen. Hi.

Hey, Ellen.

Ah!

Allow me to apologize for my family.

We do this all the time.

Hey, Alex told me you have a big birthday coming up, Jennifer.

Number 13, huh? Yeah.

Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you, Ellen.

Let's not forget who won that one, huh, guys?

Thanks a lot.

You know, Alice, the more I get to know you, the more I like you.

And I think you're really nice, but I think I speak for everyone when I say

this.

Why Alex?

I love a challenge.

So where are you guys off to this morning?

Oh, we're going down... town to the Susan B. Anthony Library to study. Yeah,

got an exam coming up in our Babes on Parade class.

Babes on Parade?

The actual name of the course is Impact of Women on America.

As if there were one.

Well, come on, I'm serious. I mean, I can't believe that women can actually

a course on themselves.

It's like Charles de Gaulle taking French.

Come on, Alex, you better go.

Susan B. Anthony hates to be kept waiting.

All right, all right. Bye -bye. Goodbye.

Who's Susan B. Anthony? One of their teachers?

She's a dead feminist, Mallory.

Yuck.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Susie. Hi, Susie.

Want to walk to school together, Jen?

Sure, I'll be ready in a minute.

So, how are you liking junior high so far?

Junior high is really different.

There are a lot of cute boys, and all the girls wear really cute clothes.

And have cute hairstyles.

How do you like your classes?

They're, um,

uh... Cute. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Mom, I'm going to be late. I'm ready. Bye -bye, girl. Bye.

Guess what, Jen?

Stacey Connors almost said hi to me yesterday.

What? Are you kidding?

Stacey Connors is one of the most popular girls in school. Why do you

telling you?

Jennifer, if Stacey Conner says hi to us, we could get popular, too.

Can you imagine us in the popular group?

I'd die.

I'd lay down and die.

I don't know if I'd die. I may cough a little.

See, this could be the answer to all of our problems. The reason why we hate

doing hi so much is because we're not popular.

We're out of it.

If they let us into their group, our lives will have meaning.

I know.

We can eat lunch at their table.

People look up to us.

We can look down on other people.

All the cute boys will like us. We'll get invited to all the great parties.

We pull this off, it'll be the biggest breakthrough of our lives. I know.

We'll go from being miserable to being the happiest people in the world.

But it's not going to be easy, Chrissy.

So for now, let's stay calm, okay? You're right.

It's going to be...

Now what we have to do is catch their attention, Jen. Get them to notice us.

I have a plan.

It'll let them know we're interested and still keep our dignity.

What, give them money?

No. I'm having a birthday party and we'll invite them to that. That's a

idea.

Wait a minute. What if they say no?

Then we'll give them money.

There they are, Jen. The cool kids.

That's where we want to be.

Okay, got the invitations?

Yeah. Let's go.

Hi, Beth.

Oh, hi, Jennifer.

Hi. I'm having this birth, Jennifer.

What are you doing? Not her. She's not cool.

That's Oprah.

She's my friend. She's on my soccer team. I really like her. Would you stop

this liking people stuff?

It's really ugly.

Now look, Jennifer.

Those are the girls we want.

That's where we want to be.

At that table.

Now, let's go, and remember, be cool.

Okay, so I'm walking through the mall, okay? And I'm at that cute hipster,

right? And then, get this.

The heel of my shoe comes off. Oh, my God!

I just go, oh, please.

Oh, my God, Stacy, I'd die.

Right, Jennifer?

Oh, uh, yeah, and I'd go to the funeral.

Come on, Jennifer, talk about important stuff.

Like clothes.

Oh, Stacy, I think you lost one of your earrings.

I'm only wearing one earring, okay?

Like, no one wears pairs anymore.

You know, I had to replace all my pairs of earrings with single earrings.

It cost a lot.

Just checking.

table is preserved, you know?

Okay, listen, I'm serious.

There's this hot party, you know, and everybody's going to be there.

So, you know, you can come, okay?

Like who's going to be there?

Like everybody.

Like who?

Like Bruce Springsteen.

Like Bruce Springsteen?

Well, actually, Bruce Bernstein.

Springsteen in many ways.

He was born in the USA.

Listen, we're, like, going to so many parties.

Okay.

Maybe next year.

You've got to come.

I mean, like, it's going to be really good.

I mean, like, really, really, really good.

Really? Really?

Really. Really.

Okay? Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. See you then.

I know.

Saturday at this time, the cool kids will be at your house. That means you'll

cool. And since I know you, I'll be cool, too.

Let's make sure to dress warmly.

This is going to be a wonderful birthday party, Jen. Just like last year.

Oh, I hope so. Last year was great.

Except for when Alex tried to collect cover charge.

It's a buck.

And a two -drink minimum.

Well, the puppet show's all set to go.

Fluffy and Marv are relaxing in the kitchen.

They're a little nervous, but once they hear the roar of the crowd, they'll be

fine.

Mom, you're not spending enough time with Dad.

Oh, I'll get it!

Where's Mallory?

She's at the store working late. She'll be home soon.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Mrs. Keaton.

Don't tell me you've done something different to the room.

We put up some party decorations.

No, no, no, that's not it.

We're having a birthday party for Jennifer, Skippy.

Well, Skippy, why don't you stick around and help out, huh? Oh, I didn't know

that. Happy birthday.

I'll get it. Oh, they're here.

Hi, kids.

Come on in. Come on.

Beth,

thanks for coming, okay? Thanks for inviting me, Jennifer. I haven't been to

party since your last birthday party.

Me neither.

Look who's here.

Like, hi, okay?

Oh, come on over here, kids.

Get your party favors.

Party favors? Oh, please.

Jennifer, what is all this purple stuff?

What do you mean, Chrissy? My favorite color.

Jennifer, no one likes purple anymore. It's out.

This is big trouble.

Why is everything this lame color?

I'm going to die.

So, you come here often?

one's attention, please.

Well, this is a very special occasion, and we'd like to welcome all of you to

our house. You're all Jennifer's friends, and, well, you're all very

people. Give yourselves a big round of applause before we start.

Let's start with a game. You know, it's kind of an icebreaker.

What we do is we tell our most embarrassing moment.

Like, how about right now?

Okay, who wants to go first?

Oh, me, me. I got lots of them.

You always want to go first, Skippy. This is the only game I'm good at.

Like, what is it with this party? I mean, Beth Hooper is here.

She is the geek of all time.

Jennifer, we've got to fix this party fast. The cool kids are bored.

I know. I don't know what to do, though, Chrissy.

Hi. Oh, hi, Mel. How's it going?

Jennifer, how's it going?

Terrible.

Party fairs. Oh, please.

Mallory, I need your help. The cool kids hate my party.

Okay, come with me.

And then there was the time I parachuted into France.

Most embarrassing.

Jennifer, if you wanted to be cool, all you had to do was ask me. I can show

you.

I think I'm probably hopeless, Mallory.

Jennifer, it's easy to be cool. You know, all you have to know are a few key

phrases.

Um, try saying hi.

Hi. No.

No. No.

Jennifer, try it like this.

Like, hi, okay?

Now, now you try it.

Not bad. Um, what do you say when you don't like something?

I don't like that?

No. Try it this way.

Ew! Gross! I want to puke!

I could never do it that well, Mallory.

Sure you can. It just takes practice.

Let's work on your walk.

There's a walk, too?

Of course. How are you going to get from one place to another?

Let me see your walk.

You've seen me walk, Mallory.

Haven't seen you walk cool.

I have neglected you, haven't I?

Been busy shopping.

Watch me.

Ew.

Faith and Mallory, there's no way I'm going to get cool within the next ten

minutes. Maybe I should just go upstairs and go to sleep.

No, Jennifer, you've got to give it a try. The cool kids are going to love

Well, I guess I have no choice.

That's the spirit.

I've got to do something about this hat.

And so, my friends...

us again sometime on the S .F. Fluffy.

Bring a life jacket.

Good morning,

starship. The earth says hello.

Ruby. La, la, la. Lolo.

Lolo.

Let's hear it for Lars and Fluffy and for Steve and Keaton. Come on,

Give them a big hand.

Thanks, guys. Thank you.

Okay, why don't you all come in the kitchen? We'll cut the cake.

Oh, good.

Wow.

Like, this is the lamest thing I've ever done, okay?

Yeah, and you know, there are no boys.

I really think your lame party is dying.

Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed, you know? You think I knew how lame this

was going to be?

Forget it.

Well, okay.

You know, like, I'm 13, okay? And, like, my parents still treat me like I'm 12

and a half.

Well, don't you have any control over them?

I know, I know. Like, right after this party, I'm moving out.

Way to go, Jan.

I'm really not moving out, Christine.

Come on, let's get out of here.

We'll go to my house.

Like you coming with us or what?

Well, like I can't leave my party, okay?

Okay.

Stephen, could you read the note one more time?

Okay. Like I went to like Stacy's okay.

Stacy's okay.

Maybe it's a dude ranch.

I like Hope.

It's okay.

Okay.

Signed, Like Jennifer.

Try reading every third word. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

At least we know she's okay.

Why would she run out on her own party?

Well, Dad, uh...

I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but it was kind of a childish

party. I mean, purple decorations, puppet show.

Maybe Alex is right when you come to think of it. You know, those silly name

tags, stupid puppet show.

All right, I really resent this.

Fluffy and Marv are being made the scapegoats here.

They deserve better treatment.

Stephen, they are puppets. They are just hunks of felt and cardboard.

That's all they are to you, huh?

Is Jennifer back yet?

No, but she left us this note.

We think she's at a dude ranch.

Oh, she's at Stacy's. She'll only be staying a little while. She'll be back

soon.

Does it say in there why she left?

No, but I could tell you why.

She thought the party was really dumb, you know, with the games and the

Okay, why don't we just burn him at the stake?

Look, will you forget about your stupid puppets for two minutes and think about

your daughter, Stephen?

Look, Jennifer was trying really hard to impress Stacy and all those cool girls,

and she was embarrassed by the party, so she left with them.

Look, I don't understand. They don't strike me as the kind of girls Jennifer

would want to be friends with. What does she see in them?

But when you're 13, I think you just want to be in with the popular crowd.

don't stop and think what that crowd is like.

Well, it was your idea to let her turn 13, Elise.

Like, hi, okay?

Well, she wrote the note.

Why did you leave, Jennifer?

Like, didn't you, like, get my note?

I translated it for them.

We don't care about your note.

You had no right leaving here without telling us. You were rude to us and

certainly to all your guests.

Like, I know, Mom, but, like, my party was, like, so lame.

Jennifer, why are you talking like that?

Like, like what?

Like, like that.

Like, this is the way I talk like now, okay, Dad?

Like, like hell you do.

Like, like, calm down, okay?

Elise. I'm sorry.

Young lady, you go upstairs to your room and you don't come down until you can

apologize. In English.

Okay. And stop...

I say we open the present.

Ubu, sit.

Good dog.