Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without a...

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

What are you writing, Jen?

Nothing, just a poem for the school magazine.

How's it coming?

Okay, I guess I'm just stuck on this one line.

Well, maybe I can help. You know, I don't like to brag, but in grade school,

used to be quite a poet myself.

I used to call me Iambic Pentameter Keaton.

That's a fabulous nickname, Derek.

Well, come on, Jen. Read me what you've got so far. Come on.

Okay.

The Gray World Spins.

We are adrift in the empty universe.

Lost.

Depressed.

Nothing in sight.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

It's cute.

Maybe we should put it in our Christmas cards.

Well, sure, it's cute.

But isn't it a little depressing? Jen, a girl your age should be writing about

flowers and sunshine and rainbows.

Dad, I want to show the alienation of mankind confronted with the horror of

industrial age.

Okay, but I'm sure there's a nicer way to do it.

Hey, lady.

There, my guy.

Alex. Hey, Alex, you take first place in the horse show?

For your information, Jennifer, this medal distinguishes me as a member of

Leland University Fraternity Council.

It gives me jurisdiction over all fraternity matters on the Leland campus.

a big deal.

Hey, tell them what they call me, Andy.

Um, Pompous Fool.

No, no, no, not those guys in the pickup truck.

The guys in the house with the big Greek letters on it?

Mr. Big.

Alex, did you have him over at the fraternity house again?

Just for a minute, just for a minute. He stopped in to see the guys.

I don't like him hanging around there. He's picking up some bad habits.

What bad habits? Mom, he saw what college is all about.

He saw people reading.

He saw people studying.

He saw people engaged in the scholarly pursuit of knowledge.

What else did you see, Andy?

Girls, beer.

What an imagination.

Come on, Andy, put your beer mug away. It's time for Sesame Street.

Guess what?

I've been asked to play six sororities.

Mallory, that's wonderful.

How are you going to choose?

Well, I don't know. See, Phi Kappa Gamma is the most prestigious, it's the

hardest to get into, and they have the best list of alumni.

But their colors are all wrong for me.

How'd it go for you, Skip?

I didn't have any luck with the fraternities I like, but there are a few

groups that are interested in me.

Look, Skippy, cheer up, okay? It's not so bad.

Alex, that's easy for you to say. Look, you belong to a great fraternity. I

would do anything to be in a fraternity like yours.

Well, Skip, I, uh, I'd stay down like this.

I'll tell you what. I'll take you over to the grand chapter of my fraternity.

I'll introduce you to a couple of guys.

Well, Alex, I can't promise you anything. I can't promise you I can get

Thank you, Alex. I really appreciate this.

Uh, yo, fancy pants.

Members only territory.

Yeah,

I'm Alex P. Keaton. I'm from the Leland chapter of Theta Pi.

Oh, sorry, Brian Elliott. I'm president of the grand chapter.

Dave Dubin, I want to be the president of the grad chapter.

So, how can we help you, Keaton?

Well, actually, fellas, I'm here to talk to you about a prospective pledge.

Terrific. What's his name?

Handelman.

Erwin Handelman.

Listen, Keaton, we'd really like to help you out, but you've got to understand,

we have standards here. I mean, Skippy Handelman's just about the nerdiest guy

on campus.

Yeah, well, I know that from afar he may appear that way, but you got to meet

this guy.

I mean, he's very impressive. He almost got accepted into Harvard.

Oh, yeah, he was just short one credit in biology and 1 ,400 points in the

Boy, that is close.

Well, that's probably Skippy now. Listen, you guys do me a favor and

him now?

Sure, what are brothers for? Hey.

Dave Dubin. Hi, I'm Skippy Handelman.

Hey, Skippy.

Those are for you, and there's plenty more where that came from, if you know

what I mean.

Please take me. You gotta take me, please.

Hi, Skippy. Brian Elliott. I'm president of Theta Pi. Hello there, Brian.

Well, Handelman, Alex has told me a lot about you, so why don't we get this

interview underway?

Yes.

Alex, please, you gotta stay with me here.

I don't know if they can tell. I'm a little nervous.

We'll keep it our little secret, okay, Skip?

Okay.

Okay, for this interview, we need your full name.

Erwin Murray Handelman.

Right, none of that's written in stone.

Did you bring your resume there, Skip?

Of course.

Can you show it to him?

Yes, here is my courses are listed there. And this is my grade point

And, oh, this is an encouraging letter of recommendation from my mother.

You know, Haleman, I really don't think we need to finish this interview. I

think we know everything we need to know about you.

You're definitely Theta Pi material, and we want you to pledge the fraternity.

So off he went to bluer sky.

to sing a song or play a game.

But ere he went, he turned to cry, Robin Redbreast is my name.

Can you guess?

Or have you heard?

My little friend is but a bird.

I was only 17 when I wrote this.

You're a real child prodigy, Dad.

Oh, Jen, you're just being... stubborn. I know this is a wonderful poem, right,

Elise? I don't like it.

Is your name Elise?

I was talking to your mother.

Okay, Jen, I'll tell you what. We'll write it together. It doesn't have to be

good. Okay, Jen, now let's take another crack at it. The only thing I suggest is

if you have to use a word like depressed.

Try to find a nice rhyme for it. Like what? How about Robin Redbreast?

Come on.

Mom, Mommy, you are looking at a man who just did the impossible. I mean,

compared to this feat, the Alaskan Pipeline is a garden hose.

The Eiffel Tower, it's a hat rack.

I get Skippy Handleman into the best fraternity on the Grand College campus.

There is nothing I cannot do.

Very good of you, Alex. I mean, you know how important this is to Skippy.

You know, Mom, I was a little nervous about going over there and asking those

guys to do this to me. You should have seen them.

They were falling all over themselves trying to please me. You know, I forget

how powerful and omnipotent I am.

I got to write a note to remind myself.

Yeah, I'll remember.

I'll bet you will.

Hey.

Eric.

Alex.

Probably the master list of the pledges.

Names, majors, their parents, net income.

Hey, give me, give me.

I love going through these lists.

Every chapter's showing real growth and prosperity, but we have a little problem

with the grant chapter.

What do you expect with those bozos?

Yeah, what's the problem with the grant chapter? They're doing the big stooge

again. Can you believe it?

Just like these guys would do something like that.

What's the big stooge? The big stooge. They pick out the nerdiest guy they can

find. Lie to him, tell him they're actually interested in his membership,

humiliate him for a week during hazing, and then not select him.

What's the name of this big stooge?

Handelman. Erwin Handelman.

Skippy Handelman.

What's the matter?

Erwin Handelman. Skippy Handelman. He's a friend of mine.

I gotta tell him. Wait, you can't tell.

That's against the code. You'd be betraying sacred fraternity trust.

I hate this big stooge business just as much as you do, but if you breathe a

word into the handleman, you're out of the fraternity.

Jen, I came up with a great new ending to your poem. Now, wait till you hear

this. The caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

That's a stunning twist, Dad.

But I really don't need that poem anymore. I wrote another one.

Oh, well, can I read it?

I tried to use some of the phrases you suggested. You know, the things that

rhyme and stuff.

Oh, good.

Good. Well, I looked down at the car and felt depressed.

For under the tire lay Robin Redbread.

Come on, Jen. We have work to do.

Mom, help.

It's a part of life, honey.

Hey, Mom.

Hi. Did Annie go down to sleep okay?

Yeah, I read him his favorite bedtime story.

He was out cold by the time Nixon left for China.

Alex, I can't believe Skippy. He's outside on the lawn wearing a dress,

I am woman, hear me roar.

It's a beautiful dress.

Yeah, yeah, it's, um...

Initiation night at Theta Pi. It's part of the ritual to put on a fancy dress.

Well, I hope he doesn't spill anything on it. I'd like to borrow it.

Billy's putting his little heart into it.

Gotta hand it to you. It was really sweet of you to get Skippy into Theta

It's done amazing things for him. He's getting more attention at school.

He's more confident.

It's just made a world of difference.

You should be really proud of yourself.

No, I mean it.

Don't be modest, Alex.

I mean, how many chances do I get to compliment you?

Okay.

Thanks.

Such a beautiful thing.

Skippy's your friend, and you cared enough to go the extra mile.

I mean, how many guys would do something like that?

You're very special.

You're really getting on my nerves, Carrie.

Connor!

All right, Mal.

If I tell you a secret, do you promise not to tell anyone?

Yes.

Now, I mean it, Mal.

I mean, this is important.

Alex, if I pray the word of it, may I pay retail for the rest of my life.

All right.

Here it is.

Skippy's a big stooge.

Alex, that secret's out.

See, the truth is, he's not really being pledged into Theta Pi.

They're stringing him along to humiliate him.

They call it the big stooge.

Well, wait. Why would Skippy go through all this if he knows he's not getting

in?

He doesn't know.

What? You didn't tell him?

He's your friend. I don't understand.

Look, it's very simple. There is a code, okay? I swore an oath.

They'll throw me out of the fraternity.

Well... Next big night.

Aren't you going to wish me luck?

Luck?

Mallory?

Skippy, I've been thinking.

Tonight would be a good night for us to go out on a date.

I'm sorry, Mallory. It's breaking my heart, but I have to say no.

See, Theta Pi is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Tonight's initiation night. I can't miss that.

And this is the man who made it all possible right here, Alex.

Thank you, Alex. Hey, Skip, come on. It was nothing.

Well, the next time you see me, I'll be a Theta Pi man.

Don't give me that disapproving look. What disapproving look?

This one.

The one you save for criminals and people with last year's haircuts. I

you're a little bit paranoid.

Skippy is better off this way.

I mean, you said it yourself.

You said he's getting a lot more attention at school.

He's more confident.

He's dressing better.

He may not get everything that he wants, but he'll have a couple of weeks in the

limelight if he will always remember.

You keep telling yourself that, Alex.

And maybe someday you'll come to believe it.

Hey,

Keaton, what are you doing here? Where's Skippy?

He's upstairs with all the other pledges.

Oh, come on, who are you kidding? He's not pledging, and you know it, Brian.

Big stooge, huh? What the hell are you thinking about?

Whoa, what are you talking about? I don't know anything about any big

All right, look, this is Alex P. Keaton you're dealing with.

I'm a member of the Interfraternity Council, and I go to a college where the

students actually have brains.

All right, sweet, the big stooge. So what? I'm taking Kippy home.

Hey, Keaton, you're smart as you say you are. You ought to know this.

You say one word about big dudes, you're out of this fraternity.

You can't take away our big dudes. It's the best part of the evening.

Come on, we haven't even dipped them in mustard yet.

I am woman.

Hey, Alex, what are you doing here?

I came to take you home, Skippy. Come on, let's go. I can't go now, Alex. They

haven't even dipped me in mustard yet.

Skip, listen to me.

You don't want to go in there, all right?

What are you talking about, Alex? That's where all the hazing takes place.

That's where they're going to vote on me.

They're not going to vote on you. Keaton, this is your final warning.

What do you mean they're not going to vote on me?

Tell them, Brian.

You tell them.

Tell them what?

You're not getting into Theta Pi, Skippy.

They never planned on letting you into the fraternity.

They were just using you as a joke.

I'm sorry.

Is this true, Brent?

Keaton, I'm going to have you kicked out of Theater Park so far, your

grandchildren will never get in.

You do whatever you have to do.

Let's go, sir. No.

No, no, this can't be true.

Brian, I did everything you guys said. I bought the same clothes you guys wear.

I subscribed to GQ.

I even got the right kind of loafers.

Two of them!

You know, you got a lot of nerve, Keaton.

Coming in here and screwing up hell night.

You knew all along Hanlon was the big stooge. Why didn't you say something to

him?

You knew, Alex?

Don't ever talk to me again!

Where have you been?

I was over at Grant College. They had a pie initiation night tonight.

Well, how did it go? Is Skippy a full -fledged member now?

No. Skippy's not a member.

Skippy's not going to be a member.

And, uh, in all probability, I'm not a member anymore either.

Well, what happened?

They never had any intention of letting him in.

It was a joke.

I mean, all they wanted to do was make fun of him.

The worst part is I knew about it, and I didn't say anything.

Are you serious, Alex?

You knew and you didn't tell us?

That's right. He knew and he didn't tell.

Why wouldn't you tell?

Look, Ma, I don't want to go through it, okay? It's just a little too painful.

You see, Alex started out trying to do something nice, which is rare in itself,

which is why I remember this so well.

Alex wanted to get Skippy into Theta Pi, so he took him over there. The boys

said yes, but what Alex didn't know is that they had no intention of pledging

Skippy. They just want to make him the big stooge.

When Alex found out, he wanted to tell, but he couldn't tell because he was

afraid of breaking the code. What code, I said? He said the code of Theta Pi.

He said they'd throw him out of the fraternity, become a social outcast,

all his chances of a big career in business, a job on Wall Street, an

in New York. He said he couldn't tell. He said he wouldn't tell, but tonight...

Tonight he told. I love him for it.

I can't believe I held it in for so long. I thought I was going to explode.

You did.

Skip, you okay?

What's up?

I'm okay.

We heard what happened, honey. We're sorry.

I really would like to speak to Alex alone for a little bit.

Sure, sure. We were just going up anyway.

Hey, you look cold.

Put this on.

So where'd you go anyway? I called your place five times.

I went up to Grover Lake.

I like to go up there after I've made a fool out of myself.

I go up there a lot.

Skippy, I can't tell you how sorry I am.

Alex. Alex.

Why do these things always happen to me? Why am I always everybody's big stooge?

You're just not in your time yet, Skip. That's all I mean.

You'll grow into it. You know, you are going to be a late bloomer.

If I don't bloom soon, they're going to have to replant me.

What's wrong with me?

Kippy, there's nothing wrong with you.

Look, people are going to take advantage of you because you're a little too

open.

You're a little too trusting, a little too accepting sometimes, but that's

problem.

Skippy, you're one of the only truly good people I know.

I don't understand, Alex. You're always on the inside.

I'm always on the outside.

It's been that way ever since we were kids.

Do you remember that time we both learned to ride bikes?

You got right on, started pedaling, and kept going all the way down the hill.

I got on, coasted five feet, and killed a cat.

It's just that our styles are a little different. Skip, that's all.

Any day now that's going to change.

You're going to take those training wheels off.

And when you do, watch out world.

Watch out cats.

Thank you, Alex.

You know, we could start sort of a fraternity of our own.

All we need is a secret handshake.

You got it, Skip.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.