Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we did.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby?

Without us And there ain't no nothing We can't love each other

through What would we do, baby Without us

Sha la la la Alex,

glad you can make it down to the final 30 seconds of dinner.

Sorry, Mom. I was in the middle of studying.

You know, if I was to break concentration at that point, it would

fatal error.

This week, every minute, every second is precious.

Don't be so melodramatic, Alex. What's the big deal about studying for midterm?

Why don't you try it sometime and find out, Mallory?

Alex, Mallory's been making great strides this year in her schoolwork.

you say you thought you'd get a B in biology this term?

I did say that.

I did think that.

I was wrong.

Anyway, it's not the same, Dad. See, I'm a senior.

These are the last grades I'll get that'll count towards college.

Oh, and on top of that, the state scholarship exam is on Saturday.

I'm probably gonna merge from this week a babbling idiot.

Your week had a schedule.

Oh, Stephen, your special's about to start.

Come on, kids, you'll love it. It's called The Wolverine, A Vanishing Breed.

know who Wolverine is, don't you, Jen?

Sure. It's half wolf and half nectarine.

Better watch the show.

Uh, Mallory, can I talk to you for a second?

Why? What do you want?

Just a small thing.

Well, the size surprises me.

Okay, listen. Uh, I'm in trouble.

I've got more work to do this week than even I can manage.

So I need your help.

Do you want me to write one of your term papers for you?

This is no time for jokes, Mel.

Look, the help I need from you involves your friend Effie.

Effie? What do you want from Effie?

Well, did she still take those diet pills?

You know what I mean.

Amphetamines? Speed?

Yes,

she does. Why?

Well, they speed up your metabolism, you know? They give you extra energy.

I may need that this week.

Alex, Effie has a prescription for those pills. It's illegal for anyone else to

take them.

Oh, come on, Mallory.

You took one yourself a couple of months ago when you were on that diet.

Right, and it was you that talked me out of taking anymore.

You said they were dangerous and that drugs weren't the solution to anything.

Oh, sure, throw that up in my face.

Look. Mallory, you know me well enough to know I am not going to abuse the

pills.

I probably won't even use them.

They will sit on my shelf, and I won't touch them.

Okay, I'll talk to Effie tomorrow.

No, not tomorrow, tonight.

Uh, please?

Well, the sooner I have them, the sooner I, uh, don't have to take them.

Okay, U .S. Government, honors class, Mr.

Wilkinson, title page.

Herbert Hoover?

The Lot Savior.

By Alex P. Keaton.

Hi. So... Did you, uh... I mean, were you able to, uh...

Effie?

Yes, Alex, I got the speed.

Will you keep your voice down?

We are dealing with illegal contraband here, Mallory.

What took you so long?

Effie didn't want to give up the pills. She said she needs them for her diet.

How'd you talk her into it?

She likes you, Alex, so, uh, I told her you'd go out with her.

You what?

I don't want to go out with Effie.

She weighs 300 pounds.

Well, it's a lucky thing for you she does or she wouldn't have those pills.

All right, all right.

I'll go out with her.

Here they are.

Just be careful, okay?

Mallory. Mallory, don't worry your pretty little head over this anymore.

I can safely say that there's virtually no possibility of me taking even a

single pill.

Believe me. I know what I'm doing.

What am I doing?

Run. These are drug, and I have them illegally.

Effie Blatts.

Take one every morning to control appetite.

I'm not Effie Blatts.

There's no way around it.

No, if this ever went to trial, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

I could wind up on a road gang for this.

With Effie Blatt.

Of course, she would do all the heavy work.

On the other hand, what choice have I got?

Help me out here.

I mean, what would you do?

Pressure mounting from all sides, your entire future, your career hangs in the

balance.

Would you do something you knew was wrong?

Hey, Alex, you want to take a break and join us?

I'm really busy, Mom.

We're playing Monopoly.

Are you kidding me? I'd love a game.

I thought you had a lot of work to do.

Well, Dad, I was thinking. You know, term papers and exams come and go, but

family unit is the one true constant in life.

The precious hours spent in the familiar abode with loved ones playing a

heartwarming game such as this are what make memories that one can treasure for

all eternity.

When did all that occur to you?

As I was coming down the stairs.

Are these dice in proper working order?

Yes, all the dots seem to be in place.

Okay, okay, fine, Mallory. You're first.

Ten. Oh, I'm on the jail square.

Relax, relax.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. You're just visiting.

Okay, my turn.

All right.

Here we go.

Oh, oh, nobody took the symbol. That's great. Here we go.

Okay, let's have five stars for Daddy.

puts me on Oriental Avenue.

That costs $100.

I'll buy that.

Okay, my turn.

Four. Income tax you have to pay.

Oh, that's not fair.

Could I take a do -over? Oh, sure, go ahead.

Whoa, whoa, hold up. No do -overs.

Page four of the rule book says, and I quote... Alex, we're gonna let Jennifer

take a do -over.

Here's a dime, honey.

I... Won't stand for this.

This is a travesty. This is a sin against capitalism.

I'll be in the kitchen. You call me when it's my turn, okay?

Alex.

Alex, you took one of those pills, didn't you?

Nope. Decided not to.

So, Alex, I can tell. You're completely out of control.

Mallory, Mallory, don't be silly. I'm fine.

Okay, Mom?

Yeah? I was going to give the kitchen floors a quick buffing.

Where do you keep the wax?

Never mind. I'll use my hand.

Uh, no, he isn't home yet, Mrs. Obeck, but I'll pass along your thanks.

I'm glad Alex did a good job cleaning out your garage.

Uh, no, I don't know why he did it either.

I'm sorry he had to break a window to get in.

Bye -bye.

What has gotten into Alex this week?

I don't know, but our floors have never looked better.

He's just trying to be helpful.

He oiled my roller skates yesterday.

So? So, I was skating at the time.

He has been in sort of a frenzy of activity lately. I mean, even for Alex.

I don't notice any difference.

No difference?

Mallory, do you realize how much work it takes to install a skylight?

Great news.

Great news.

I got my term paper on Hoover back from Mr. Wilkinson.

A -plus.

Nice work, Alex. Look at this. Look what he wrote on the front.

An incredibly well -argued thesis.

I voted for Roosevelt four times. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.

I also got a 92 on my economics final and an A on my English term paper.

Does anybody have any laundry they want me to do?

Alex, are you feeling all right?

Never better.

You just seemed a little hyperactive.

Oh, what you're seeing here is simply my natural boyish exuberance, that's all.

It was bound to emerge eventually.

I didn't worry about you, that's all.

Ah, Mommy.

Nothing to worry.

I'm gonna go, I'm gonna have a shower. When I come back down, I'll make myself

some dinner, okay?

Did you get more pills from Effie?

Yes, Alex, I did.

Good. Well, where are they?

I'm not giving them to you, Alex.

You've been taking them all week and you've been acting very weird.

Weird?

Weird? Do you mind giving me an example of this alleged weirdness in my recent

behavior? All right, why the sudden interest in Jennifer's dollhouse?

Not a sudden interest at all.

I've been concerned for a while that her dolls were a little cramped, so I built

an annex.

A little more breathing room for Molly and whatever the hell the other one's

name is.

I'm not giving you any more pills, Alex.

Mallory, I've got the biggest test of my life coming up.

I just want you to give me a couple more pills to get me by, that's all. And

then that's the end. Over.

Finito. No, you should be able to study without them.

Oh, I don't believe this.

A lecture in study habits from the C -minus poster girl.

Come on, Mallory. I'm not asking you for a dozen.

Just one.

Maybe two.

How many you got? No, Alex.

Alex, that's mine. Give it back.

In a second, Mallory. In a second.

Never speak to me again.

Oh, lighten up, will you?

Oh, and, uh, Mallory, you know, if you're thinking of telling Mom and Dad

this, you just keep in mind, you're not exactly innocent here, either.

Isn't your full life on yet? Just starting.

What'd I miss?

Uh, the sperm cell just joined up with the egg cell.

What's that?

That's the inside of a woman's uterus, honey.

Anyone famous?

I don't know. Have to wait all the credits.

Hey, Alex. Good day at school?

Yeah. You do well on your tests?

Fine. I did fine.

How are your papers? What is this? The Inquisition?

Oh, Alex. Who do you think you're talking to?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. The test went fine. I got an A - on my term paper.

I'm just tired. That's all.

Have you seen Mallory? No.

Alex, you're interrupting fertilization.

What is this trash you're watching?

This isn't trash. Jennifer and I have been planning on watching this for

It's the miracle of life. They show how babies are made.

The stork brings babies, Jennifer.

You're not supposed to know otherwise until you're 12 years old. Alex, what

you doing?

I will not allow this smut in my house.

This is not your house. This is our house. That is not smut, and I don't

the way you're acting.

Oh, well, maybe I don't like the way you're acting.

Okay, Alex, I don't know exactly what's going on here, but I don't like it. You

go on up to your room, and don't you come down to me a little more civil.

What?

Are you seriously telling me to go to my room?

Yes, I am. No, in fact, I got a better idea. First, you clean up the kitchen,

then straighten up the living room, and then go to your room. Any questions?

Yeah. Yeah, I have a question. I most certainly do.

Which room did you want me to clean first?

Your choice.

But, Mom, what about the show?

We'll watch upstairs.

Good idea.

There's less chance of us being interrupted by Alex Smith's housework.

Mallory, Mallory, stop.

I'm not speaking to you, Alec. Ma 'am, Mallory, please.

Um, I took the last one this morning, and, uh, I'm starting to feel real

I just need a couple more to get me through the test tomorrow.

Call Effie for me, please.

Not a chance.

Mallory, what do you want from me? You want an apology? Okay, all right, I'm

sorry.

How about money?

Effie. Yeah, it's Alex.

So, where you been hiding yourself?

Okay, the correct answer is, I believe, the Treaty of Westphalia. And if I'm not

mistaken, the year was 1648.

Ah, right again. This is child's play.

Let's face it. I am flawlessly prepared for this exam.

After tomorrow, I can just pick my school.

Harvard. Yeah.

I think I'll go to Harvard.

Of course, I shouldn't be too hasty here. The other Ivy League schools are

to want a shot at me.

Pretty soon, they'll all be knocking at my door.

Aha! Here's one now.

Come on in.

I heard some noise in here, Alex. I thought I...

What are you doing?

Painting my wall.

You want me to do your room next?

Alex, it's 3 .30 in the morning.

I'll put a drop cloth over you and Mom. You won't even know I'm there.

Put down the paintbrush.

It'll dry unevenly, Dad.

Now, Alex.

You know, Dad, I am so flawlessly prepared for this exam, I'm not going to

a single question. I don't believe it!

Did you dig those trenches in the backyard?

Yeah, I did.

Why?

Underground sprinkler system.

Alex, how many hours have you slept this week?

I don't know.

Four.

Four hours all week?

So I've been peppy, so what?

You haven't been peppy, Alex. You've been crazed.

Peppy, crazed. Tomato, tomato.

Have you been taking amphetamines?

No. No.

Me? No way, Dad, not me.

Alex, don't lie to me.

All right, okay, I admit it.

I borrowed a few from Mallory's friend Effie.

Okay? No, it is not okay.

Look, Dad, I just needed them to get me through this week.

Look, look, I'll prove it to you, okay?

See? These are all of them, in the garbage.

Gone.

I've taken my last one. That is not the point, Alex. You shouldn't have been

taking them in the first place, no matter how much you had to do.

Dad, they weren't. They helped me.

I've gotten more done this week than I ever thought possible.

You've got to admit it, Dad. The stuff works. I know what it does. I used it

myself when I was in school.

Oh.

Okay, then how can you get mad at me?

This isn't a question of my being mad at you, Alex.

It's much more complicated than that.

Look.

I'm your father, and right now, I see you taking a risk with something you

nothing about.

A dangerous, addictive drug you're dealing with.

And nothing else matters to me except stopping you from taking it.

You don't have to worry. I'm done with it.

We're not done talking, Alex.

We'll talk more in the morning.

We could, uh...

Both use some sleep.

I know I could before I fill in those trenches tomorrow.

And, uh, I know you need to study.

You know, I... I pulled a few all -nighters myself when I was in school.

I, uh... I remember my roommate, Roland Kunikowski.

We used to call him the Owl, but it wasn't because he stayed up late.

He could turn his head all the way.

He's still asleep, Elise.

Alec! Alec! Alec, wake up! You're late for your dance! No! No, Effie! Effie,

You're back!

What?

Twenty after eight.

The test.

It's already started, Alex. We thought you'd gone an hour ago.

I overslept.

I can't believe it. I gotta get going.

Did I fall down?

I think... Look, I think you can forget the test.

I gotta get going.

The door.

Where's the door?

Where am I?

There's got to be somewhere.

Alex,

Alex, stop it. Stop it. It's over.

It's over.

I never oversleep.

Never, never.

I have one of those internal clock radios.

I had that scholarship in the bag.

I blew it.

Speed is like that, Alex. It'll keep you up for a while, but when you crash, you

crash hard.

I thought I could handle it.

Look at how you're handling it. You're on your knees rummaging through the

garbage looking for someone else's diet pills.

I guess I've had finer moments.

You know how you feel right now?

Yeah.

Don't ever forget it.

Believe me, I won't.

Alex, why are you still... Not Valerie.

I overslept.

I missed the test.

It was the pills. I couldn't wake up.

Mom and Dad know about the pills.

I told them everything.

You know I gave the pills to Alex?

I didn't tell him that.

She didn't want him, Mom.

I pressured her into getting him from Effie.

She even tried to talk me out of it.

Mallory, I had no right to use you like that.

I'm sorry.

Something going on here I should know about?

Yeah, yeah. I was just apologizing to Mallory for treating her badly, and,

You too, Jennifer, for being such a creep all week.

Am I on candid camera?

Why don't we all clear out of here and let Alex get some sleep. We'll talk more

about this later when you wake up.

From the looks of you, that should be about Thursday.

Look awful, Alex.

How could I do this, Mallory?

I was out of control.

It was like it wasn't even me.

It was somebody else.

Very scary, Mallory.

Scary for me, too.

I didn't know who you were. It was like you were a different person.

Well, uh... The old Alex is back.

I never thought I'd say this, but...

I'm glad to see you.

Oh, by the way, Effie called. She said when you pick her up tonight, dress

casual.

And she's hungry.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.