Original subtitles

I hate psychiatric conventions, Maggie.

Bad food, boring speeches, three days of hell.

Come with me. We'll have a blast.

Jason, as madcap as you make it sound, I can't.

Oh, honey, you're just upset because the program committee didn't ask you to

speak this year. Upset, Maggie, please. If they want to load up their convention

with trendy doctors who plug their vacuous books on Donahue, up there.

That's the spirit.

Have a good trip. Yeah, yeah.

Bye. Bye.

Morning. Morning.

Eddie. Why, Mrs. S., may I say you are looking lovelier than ever.

Eddie, what are you doing here?

I tried breaking into Mike's apartment, but he wasn't home. Oh.

So you broke into our kitchen instead?

Well, you changed the locks since the last time I was here. What could I do?

So, where is Mike?

Oh, he and Luke are out.

Oh, Mike finally got himself a dog, huh?

No, Luke's a foster child.

Even better. They come housebroken.

They should be back shortly. They went to the grocery store.

All right.

Lights, camera.

Ah!

It's nice to see you too, geek breath. What's with the camera?

Carol's studying in London, and I thought it might be nice if she got a

from us. Hey, I'm willing to send my salivations.

If she sees you, she'll never want to come back.

Okay,

we're rolling.

Hey, hey, that's Mike. Uh, I want to surprise him.

Don't waste another.

Jump comes dribbling then. Oh,

no, he gets his own rebound. He shoots.

He scores.

We're going into overtime.

No, no, no, no. You win.

Well, come on, Mike. I'm hot, man. Forget it. I can't stand you hanging on

rim.

Mike, how's that crazy thing I call life? Well, it's that crazy thing I call

okay. Last time I saw you, you were dating this uptight brunette ice

Kate and I are practically engaged.

Well, you didn't let me finish.

Qualities I would want in a woman.

Right. Well, what's up, Eddie?

How's your job?

Oh, Mike, I have just spent the best eight months of my life as a cabin boy

Oceanic Cruises. Yeah? Like a love boat?

No, man, better. Like a sleazeboat.

With a poop deck full of good -looking, mature women. Mikey, widows are so

grateful.

Same old, Eddie. I got a great idea.

What do you say we head down to Miami? Ships are already hiring towel boys for

the spring season.

Oh, hey, come on. I can't just pick up and leave like that. I've got

responsibilities. You want to talk responsibilities.

Ten glistening babes in a sweat room.

No towels. That's a pressure cooker, pal.

Hey, I'm teaching at the community center where my dad works. You?

Yeah. You're the anti -teacher.

You retired a whole math department at Dewey High.

Mr. Culbertson still has no sense of smell, Mike.

Really? Yeah.

My high school years were in a total waste.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Oh, uh, we're just reliving some old times, Luke. Oh, Lukey boy, you are

to be living with the master. Hey, did Mike ever tell you about the time that

actually joined the girls' swim team?

No, his masterness forgot to mention it. Well, I was only an honorary member. I

refused to shave my thighs.

Oh, this guy is too modest.

Tell Luke about the time you tied a bunch of weather balloons to Mr.

Volkswagen. What happened?

Let's just say that's how we found out Mr. DeWitt gets hair sick.

That's great!

Yeah, it was wacky. It was wacky.

It was wrong, Luke.

You know, speaking of wacky, it's 30 degrees outside.

Drop your pants.

Huh?

Eddie and I used to play basketball outside during the winter. Yeah, and

our underwear until one of us cried uncle.

Or just cried.

Come on, tell me more about these wild adventures.

No, no, it's really kind of boring.

Boring? Does the drill team, 50 gallons of peanut butter and a couple of sponge

cakes sound boring?

Oh, Mrs.

S., what is the secret to your hearty, aromatic brew?

I boil the water.

Wow, you go through such trouble to make me feel comfortable here.

Don't get too comfortable. The silverware is counted.

Thanks for the info, twerp.

Okay,

Ben, are you ready? Okay.

We're rolling.

Hi, Carol. Ben was nice enough to take me doing my daily chores, so, honey, you

just pretend like you're here doing the laundry with me.

Cut!

You're doing a good mom thing here. I'm really buying it, but maybe we could

liven it up a little bit. You know, let's say you drop a pair of dad's

and then as you get up, you flip on Chrissy's skate.

And then, um... I don't know, you still boiling hot coffee, hon?

Beats me any.

You know, with Dr.

Seaver away, I'd be more than happy to knock the ladder around for you.

Then after I put these clothes away, we're going to do this tape, and it's

to make Carol smile, or we're not going to do it. Understand?

You listen to your beautiful mother, Benjamin.

You're right, Eddie. The skating rink's a great place for me girls.

What did I tell you, dude? Babe capades.

I just love the way you handle that security guard. Sorry, officer. I didn't

mean to grab her, but she was the only thing between me and an ugly iceberg.

Eddie, don't you think you're a little old to be groping strange women?

Oh, man.

When the day comes I'm too old for that, you can just shoot me.

Come on, Mike. You feeling okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I just didn't feel like skating into the ladies' room.

Mike, how many fingers am I holding up here?

Hey, guys, I need you to say something nice to Carol.

Hey, it was Mom's idea.

Hey, hey, what do you guys say we moon her?

Come on, guys, it's manly fun.

Yeah? Well, we're one man short, and I do mean short.

What did he mean by that? Nothing, Eddie. Come on, relax.

All right, so, who's up for going to the grocery store tonight?

We just went yesterday.

Yeah, that's cute.

I am talking about the hottest new dance club in town.

Charisse, one of the ladies from the ship, told me about it. The grocery

Oh, yeah, Mike. They've got everything you need for a balanced diet.

There's blondes for protein.

They got brunettes for carbohydrates.

Redheads for roughage.

Uh, no thanks. Nah, forget it, guys. I'm beat.

No, no, you can't miss this.

Mike, you need to know a password to get in.

Hey, I'll come with you, Eddie. Help you squeeze the produce.

No,

no, no, no, no, Eddie.

Guys, Luke is underage.

Well, he's older than we were when we started sneaking into places.

We'll just have to dip into the zebra stash of fake IDs here.

Eddie. Eddie Hall, the work of the master.

Whoa, you use these?

Hey, Johnny Weiss, James Marshall, Charlene Wu.

Come on, Mike, how come you never showed me these before? Well, because I don't

do that stuff anymore.

Hey, hey, this one looks just like me.

Blonde, five foot eight.

All I have to do is grow a mustache by tonight.

Oh, Mike, I'm telling you, man, this grocery store is something else.

We just got to get there kind of quick before the vice squad shuts them down.

Hey, listen to me.

Come on, Luke has got homework, and I don't feel like going to some place

tonight where I can get maced and handcuffed to some squad car.

Relax, Mike. Katrina's not on duty tonight.

Eddie, could you just drop this whole thing? Luke and I aren't interested.

Especially Luke.

All right, we could do something else.

Hey, what do you say we go down to the burger barn and hassle some high school

kids?

Hi, Carol.

Christina and Steve are here.

Friday after school, Mommy took me to see Beauty and the Beast.

It stars a beautiful girl named Belle.

And a big hairy beast.

Besides, it's my turn to talk to Carol, and you're messing it up.

But wouldn't it be much more fun if we showed how, you know, the beast grabbed

Belle?

Where are you going?

Upstairs. Call me when you get a clue.

Hey, Ben.

Hey, have you seen Eddie? No.

Hey, maybe he decided to go down to the playground and hug the slings.

Hey, Mom.

Have you seen Eddie?

He just missed him. He went off with Luke about 15 minutes ago.

Where'd they go?

They said they were going to pick something up at the grocery store.

And you let them go?

All

right,

Mom. Now, you've got to understand.

This is very rough.

It's a work in progress.

Oh, honey, I'm sure it'll be great.

Can't wait to see what you've done.

Attention Carol Ann Seaver, this is your video letter.

Seavermania 92.

Seaver family marches on.

On Saturday, Dad was off to yet another psychiatric convention to catch up on

late -breaking techniques in therapy.

Back at home, Chrissy's learning to make her bed.

And for a reward, Mom and Dad got her... a pet.

Chrissy named it Grumpy, because that's how he gets if you don't feed him.

Speaking of food, the other day, Ma made her famous tuna surprise.

The love of your life, Dwight Halliburton, drops in all the time.

Dwight's not the only one who's broken up. Mom really misses her heart -to

-heart talk with you.

Meanwhile, Luke almost had a date until her mother found out.

Mike volunteered to detail your car.

He also fumigated your room.

Nothing left to say, but...

So,

what do you think, Mom?

Pretty leading edge, huh?

Well, it's very clever, honey, but what happened to all that stuff you shot

around the house?

I'd rather watch Kelp.

But it was the family.

So what's your point?

I think you should put it back in.

Mom, it's got to have a little style if it's going to be un film de Ben Sibert.

No, it's un letter to Carol Sibert.

Here's her last letter that she sent to us. You read it, and you decide what she

wants to see.

Oh, boy, Scout, you can't come in here without a password.

Oh, that's okay. I'm not trying to get in. I'm just looking for someone. Yeah,

right, and I'm Macaulay Culkin.

That's right.

Oh, oh, right, well, I know. It just slipped my mind. It's, uh, it's, it's

bananas.

Paper?

Plastic? Beat it, slimeball. Oh, God, Mr. Foot.

How's this for a password?

A squad car full of cops. Check an ID.

Right this way, sir.

You got me mixed up with somebody else. My name's Geraldo.

Not the one you think.

Mike, this is Cherise and Melanie.

They're widows.

Why don't you take a seat with us, Mike? Come on, don't be rude to the girls.

Come on.

Please, don't embarrass me.

You know, I have a friend who is just your type.

She'll be finished dancing there in 15 minutes.

No, thanks. I'm seeing someone.

Hey, Mike, it's okay to flirt. Kate's not going to know.

Who's Kate?

Oh, she's the warden. The one who cracks the whip.

Excuse me. Eddie, can I borrow your ear for a second? Sure.

Are you crazy for bringing Luke to a place like this?

Hey, this is a classy joint. Do you see one spinning tassel? Eddie, this has

nothing to do with spinning tassels. It has to do with bringing a minor into a

nightclub.

Mike, are you turning fogey on me?

I mean, maybe we can get out of here and go find a hot game of bingo.

And then tomorrow we can put on our dark socks with our plaid shorts and drive

around town at two miles an hour with our left blinker going the whole time.

Now, go ahead and make fun of me, Eddie. You may think that I'm an old fogey,

but I think you're a bad influence on Luke.

Hey, thanks, man.

I'm serious, Eddie.

I don't want you hanging around with him anymore.

Because you're sleazy, you're irresponsible, and you're immature.

In fact, I don't even know why I hang out with you.

Come on, Eduardo, let's dance.

I'm thinking of having my own talk show.

Excuse me, Geraldo, can I borrow your ear for a second?

Sweetheart, want some breakfast?

No, thanks, Mom. I'm not hungry.

Mom, would you answer me one question?

What on earth possessed you and Dad to ever let me hang out with a jerk like

Eddie? I mean, we did all kinds of bad stuff. We teepeed houses.

We snuck into an X -rated movie.

How X?

Well, I don't know. During the opening credits, Eddie hyperventilated.

Right. Your dad and I let you hang out with Eddie because you liked him.

Well, who wouldn't? I mean, the guy was fun and unpredictable.

I mean...

He's the only guy I knew who could open up a soda bottle with his zipper.

What changed?

Me. I'm sorry, Mom, but calling a restaurant and paging Seymour Butts

amuse me anymore.

Mom, it's not fair to judge Eddie on pranksy pull five years ago.

He did it last night.

So you think you'd be better off if you and Eddie had never been friends?

Maybe.

Mike, you've grown a lot over the past few years. Maybe Eddie's growth is just

little... Stunted?

Come on, you've been friends since you've been kids. Eddie's part of who

today. Mom, come on. I haven't given someone a wedgie in months.

I just wish that he would grow up.

What? And be more like you?

Mike, did it ever occur to you if Eddie stopped being Eddie, you might not like

him?

So you're saying I should just take him or leave him just the way he is?

Yeah.

I'm sure that deep inside, Eddie wants to grow up.

Someday. All right.

This is the man who once told a woman, it's okay, I'm a blind brassiere

designer.

She came to get my stuff.

Don't worry, I'll throw myself down the stairs.

Hey, Eddie, last night I said a lot of stupid things. Yeah, you got that right.

And then again, you did a lot of stupid things. Oh, great apology, Mike. This is

a real family ties kind of moment here.

What happened to us?

Huh? We were so tight. I mean, we used to laugh at each other's jokes before we

even said them.

What happened was you started thinking you were better than me.

Not better. Different.

Better. Different.

I mean, I am in a steady, loving relationship, and you prey on innocent

And I have a responsible job, and you hot towels at a floating bathhouse.

And I'm trying to help raise a 16 -year -old boy so he doesn't turn out to be

someone like me.

I have been acting like I'm better than you.

Brother, cue some rests.

Eddie, maybe I haven't acted like an old fogey.

But listen, I don't have all the answers.

I mean, heck, sometimes I'm standing in front of my class and all I want to do

is help them make spitballs because you and I made them better than they ever

could.

Kids today, no attention to quality.

Mike, do you think I want to be a towel boy forever?

I look at you and I think, compared to me, you really got it together.

What if I never make anything of my life, huh?

Oh, come on, Eddie.

You got loads of time. You're smart and you're likable. I mean, it'll happen for

you.

Am I imagining or we got a bonding thing going here?

Hey, I've never seen you this, I don't know, human.

I like it.

Yeah.

This is great, huh?

Yeah, isn't it? Yeah.

If you buy this, the widows are going to eat it up.

Jason, I'm so glad you got back in time to see the video Ben made for Carol.

I'm sitting next to Daddy.

All right.

Now, don't expect too much. I still have to cut three hours out of this.

Just kidding. He's kidding.

Go ahead, honey.

Roll it.

Dear Carol, I heard you were feeling a little homesick.

Well, cheer up.

It happens to the best of us when we're away from the people we care about.

We hope this video will bring you a smile and remind you of home.

Hi, Carol.

Ben was nice enough to take me doing my daily chores. So, honey, you just

pretend like you're here doing the laundry with me.

What else do you want me to do?

Say goodbye.

Goodbye, Carol.

Oh, P .S. Come home quick.

Ben's driving me crazy.

Now, Carol, in answer to your letter, I miss you, too.

I know we've had our differences, but I care about you, and I want you to come

home soon.

We're proud of you, Ben.

Well, it's not finished yet. I want to get one more shot of the whole family

waving to Carol.

Well, that's great. Where's Mike?

Come on, come on, come on. What's that?

Come on.

Let's go, let's go.

Shoot it. Come on, chicken. You don't want that.

Guys, it's 40 degrees out here. What are you doing?

Beating this little weasel's tail up. Oh, yeah?

Let's go.

I know.

Isn't it wonderful?