Original subtitles

That's what they make you wear, Captain Sub?

No, I just like to dress like Popeye.

When you get a new job, you do have to deal with difficult people.

You mean like the customers?

No, like your family.

Ahoy, matey.

Permission to come aboard.

Let me take one more to send to Carol in London.

That's a great idea, Mom. Then we can put a different return address on it and

make her think we moved.

It's a lot, Captain Crunch.

Dad woke me up this morning with the want, Dad. What do you need a job for

anyway? Oh, I bet I know he's saving for college.

But first, a custom Harley.

You saving up to buy a hog?

He gets a hog. You won't even let me get a kitten.

Hey, Luke, what's in the bag?

Uh, it's just my official Captain's sub hat.

Well, put it on. I want to take a picture of the entire uniform.

No, really.

Come on, they say the uniform makes the man.

In this case, the uniform makes the sandwich.

Well, I better get going.

My boss is driving me to work.

Your boss drives you to work? I'd like to get a job like that.

Well, they're looking for a counterperson if you're available.

Ben, you hear that? Ben, Ben!

Hey, I got a tip for you, Luke. You take advantage of this carpooling

opportunity to get to know your boss.

He probably could teach you a thing or two.

Stay back.

Hold it here, everybody. I can handle it.

No, no, no. Dr.

Seaver, this is Kevin, my boss.

Assistant manager.

Another dumb hat, huh?

You should see the hat the restroom supervisor has to wear.

Hey, Luke.

Glad we caught you. You've noticed you've been keeping late hours.

Well, I work till 9 .30.

Yeah, but you've been getting home after 11.

Well, Kevin thinks it's a good idea to unwind after work.

Oh, you listen to a guy who's only working at Captain Sub until he can get

criminal career off the ground?

I could ask Kevin to drop you off at home, and then he can go unwind wherever

wants. I could, but I don't want to.

Well, then, Luke, we maybe should talk about you having a curfew.

Big mistake.

Will you excuse us for a minute?

Stick up for me, and I'll flip you a hoagie.

I wish you wouldn't contradict us in front of Luke.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It's just that you were really cruising for

trouble with that whole curfew thing. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Dad.

Luke is a different breed of horse. I mean, let's face it. You're used to

who pulls the plow.

And Chrissy, who's still a pony. And Ben, well, he's pretty much a horse's

patoot.

But Luke is like me.

It's a wild Mustang.

Well, thank you, Gabby.

My point is that you try to put a fence around Luke, he's just going to kick it

over. Mike, where are you going with all this horse... Maggie.

Analogy.

Don't give him a curfew, and he'll mosey on back to the barn as soon as he's

sleepy. Need I remind you that we have successfully raised four children, and

you had a curfew?

No, you had a curfew. I had an open window and a trellis.

Mike, we've got to run this house by our rules. Luke is a foster child here, and

I see no reason why he shouldn't have a curfew.

Okay, fine, you can run it up the flagpole, but I don't think he'll sit on

Luke!

Okay, Luke, we want you in the house 10 o 'clock on weekdays and 11 o 'clock on

weekends.

Okay.

Well, what do you know? The wacky old parents pulled it off.

Yeah, and Mr. Ed really talks.

Now, Chrissy, name the shape.

Square.

Now, take your time. Think rounder.

Square.

Think like a pie.

Or the moon.

Moon pie?

Sorry, I'm not doing so good, am I?

No, that's okay. You got two out of the last, uh, 25.

What's up? You guys playing some kind of game?

Sense testing to see if I have PMS.

ESP, Mom.

I'm doing an extra credit report for Mr. Earhart's science class.

Mr. Earhart? The teacher's been giving you such a hard time all year?

Yeah, and if I don't get my average up to a B, he's not going to let me go on

the class field trip to the Hayden Planetarium.

Oh, well, Ben, your father and I would be happy to take you to the planetarium.

Yes, but can you arrange for Sasha Swarovski to be sitting next to me in

dark wearing a fuzzy sweater?

Gotcha.

Ben said you guys wanted to talk to me?

It's about Luke.

We're ready to admit we... We're wrong?

No. We're very, very wrong?

No. We're ready to admit that we need your help.

Well, I think you made the right decision.

You want to catch a Mustang, you got to use a Mustang.

So, let me get this straight. What is it that you want me to tell him? He's

grounded. No stinking way.

If a kid can't learn to live by a family's rules, he'll never learn to

society's, Mike. Now, you owe it to Luke to teach him some discipline.

I hate it when you guys make sense.

Okay, okay, I'll talk to him. But if he's got a darn good reason for being

I'm not giving him any punishment.

Luke's home.

Uh, hello.

Hey, Luke, uh, it's 11 .15.

You know what that means?

I'm missing our...

Hey,

you were supposed to be home by 10. But I'm sure that he's got a darn good

reason for being late. So go ahead and give it to him.

Uh, I was at the arcade. We found a video machine with 10 free games.

Well, okay, okay. You give me no choice.

You're... Grounded.

What she said.

What?

Well, can it start Monday? There's a major party Friday night.

Okay, sure.

All right.

You can't let him trade punishments. This isn't let's make a deal.

Although he's dressed for it.

The grounding includes missing the party.

I don't know why you're treating me like a kid. I got to be in bed by 11.

I went three years with no bed.

I spent a night in Central Park. I survived gangs, murderers, and Pizador's

outdoor concert.

Sorry, look, but this is for your own good.

Oh, man, this sucks nickels.

Right.

Well, thanks a lot, Mike.

Hey, hey, hey, don't look at me. You're the one who messed up, pal.

Don't ever break curfew again.

Without at least coming up with an airtight alibi.

Why am I bummed? Tell me about it. Yeah, what are you bummed about?

There's a party out there and I'm in here.

You're squawking about being grounded for a week?

I was grounded for 1989.

So what are you bummed about?

Old man Airhead threw my report out. He says ESP's a crock, not a science.

Thanks to him, someone else is going to be picking sweater pills off of Sasha

Swarovski.

That Airhead's a jerk. Somebody ought to fix him good.

I know.

I'm going to prove that ESP is real and that Chrissy has it.

Next to her, the amazing Kreskin's going to look only mildly interesting.

Come on, Maggie, you will miss the opening curtain.

Jason, I've never seen you this excited about dinner theater.

Well, how many times do you get to see Marla Maples and Jessica Hahn in The Odd

Couple?

None, if you're lucky.

Okay, we'll be at the Hayloft Dinner Theater.

Good night, Luke.

Mike, you're back. You've got to talk to your parents.

Why? You got to talk them into letting me go to that party. Luke, they made up

their mind. What can I do?

Wait a minute.

Aren't you the same Mike Seaver who convinced his parents that report cards

discontinued as a tree -saving measure?

I guess when you got the talent, it is a crime not to use it.

They're in the kitchen. Okay. All right. Silver Tongue is on the case.

Yeah, just the people I was looking for.

Oh, every time he uses that tone of voice, the little hairs on the back of

neck stiffen.

What are you trying to charm us out of now, Mike? Oh, no, no, no, this isn't

me. This is about Luke.

You see, I think that he's really learned his lesson, and I think his

should end, oh, about now.

Mike, we have to take a stand.

If we back down now, we're giving him permission to walk all over us.

Well, I can live with that.

But we can't.

Mike, when you got in the middle of this, you took on part of the

for Luke.

Hey, you're the one who speaks Mustang.

You're telling me he's still confined to the paddock.

Stick to your guns.

What if I shoot myself in the foot?

Mike, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you bringing me to this

You're the best, the greatest, the king.

You can't go.

You're slime.

Did you even ask? Are you just on their side now? Oh, come on, Luke. Don't be

this way.

Luke!

Mookie!

Mookster!

Mookinator!

All right, all right, all right. You're tearing me apart. You can go.

Really? Yes.

Fine, but you have to be home by your curfew. That's 11 o 'clock.

Not a minute later.

Thank you, thank you. I didn't know if you'd come through or not. Yeah.

I took a shot.

Remember, Luke, 11 o 'clock.

I forgot the tickets.

Your father thinks my subconscious doesn't want to go to the theater.

He's wrong. My subconscious wants to blow up the theater.

That's funny, Mom. You better hurry.

Mike, are you trying to get rid of me? No, no, no, that's ridiculous.

Shake a leg.

What's that?

How could you let him go?

I couldn't stand to see him mad at me.

Oh, come on. Kids don't like discipline.

Remember when you planted Ben to see if he'd grow?

We punished you. You got angry with us.

No, I didn't. Oh, yes, you did. You lined your father's shorts with Bengay.

Oh, right. I forgot.

I never will.

Neither will I.

What are you guys so worried about? He promised me he'd be home by 11 o 'clock.

Well, he wasn't supposed to go out at all until you got involved.

Mom, you were tired of him breaking the rules, so I just gave him one that he

could live with.

What do you think, Mike? That these rules are arbitrary?

That we just pull them out of a hat?

Well, I've never actually seen the hat.

You're wasting your time.

You will understand one day, Mike, when you have kids of your own.

I got it memorized.

First card square, then circle, then star, rectangle,

triangle, navy lines, red if you touch your ear, green if you pick your nose.

Touch my nose.

You've got to remember, honey, this is really important.

I know.

Sasha's sweater's supernova.

Percy, if we pull this off, I'll play tea party with you every day this month.

Mr. Earhart, what a pleasure.

Seaver. If this little demonstration of yours doesn't produce some quantifiable

results, not only will you be barred from the field trip, you'll be lucky to

a passing grade in my class.

Mr. Earhart, we've had a rocky relationship.

Why don't we bury the hatchet?

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Earhart.

If you'll just sit over here, we'll begin.

Chrissy, you ready?

Square.

Hey,

what do you know? The first two correct.

Goose pimples. Goose pimples.

Excuse me, Karnak.

But before you proceed, do you mind if I see those cards?

Sure.

I promise I'll return them.

Now you may begin.

Okay, Griffey.

I want you to make your mind a total blank.

She's related to you. That shouldn't be difficult.

Now, Chrissy, I want you to guess what's on these cards.

You have no idea how much I want you to guess what's on these cards.

A rectangle.

That's right.

Okay.

A triangle.

How the heck? I mean, good girl.

Lucy shoes.

Nope. Let's go faster.

Diamond.

Star.

Square.

Circle.

Red circle.

This is astonishing.

You're telling me.

If she starts bending spoons, I'm out of here.

Look, I don't know what you two are up to, but this has got to be some kind of

trick. Sir, you shuffled the cards yourself.

I, uh...

I don't understand this.

Sir, I worked very hard on setting up this experiment.

We both know I'm not a bad student.

And I deserve a B.

I also deserve to go on that field trip.

Oh, why not?

Well, I've never seen a student work so hard to get to the planetarium.

It's not going to be in my life.

Sasa Sharotsky isn't so bad either.

Chrissy.

You actually guessed what I was holding up?

Are you kidding?

What do I look like, a mind reader?

Well, then what's the difference between this time and last time?

Last time I couldn't see the reflection in your glasses.

So, these tea parties.

Do I sit next to Mr. Teddy Bear or by you?

By me.

Okay, okay. It's 10 .59.

He'll be home by 11 o 'clock.

Luke's a responsible kid.

I can set my watch by the Lukemeister.

It's 11 o 'clock. Do you know where your children are?

Don't, that little two -faced whore.

What, does he think these rules are just arbitrary, like I pull them out of some

hat? Two lanes of the Long Island Expressway have been temporarily closed

an overturned chicken truck.

Guess you'd better steer clear or bring biscuits and gravy.

Chickens. You'd hate to be caught in that mess.

How bad is it? Code F! Code F! Well, what does that mean?

I'll have to do a feather -ectomy.

There's hope.

He's a plucky little guy.

Nurse? Yes, Doctor.

Tweezers. Tweezers.

Luke. Luke, can you hear me? Are you all right?

Is that you, Mike?

Yes. Yeah, it's me. I'm right here.

Why didn't you stop me from going to the party?

I'm sorry, Mr. Seaver, but there's only one more thing I can do.

What is it? I'll have to call in a specialist. Nurse?

Yes, Doctor?

Get Colonel Sanders on the phone.

Colonel Sanders is dead, sir.

Uh -oh.

Oh, come on. What kind of trouble could he possibly get into?

I mean, it's not even wild.

Kind of late, Brower.

Shouldn't you be getting home?

My guardian's the perfect set.

I got him trained like a cocker spaniel.

It's nice to have a pet.

Hey, bartender!

Another round of root beer, folks!

And leave the bottle.

I knew it.

Gosh, Mom was right. Just don't tell him what could happen after 11 o 'clock.

He could run wild. He could break the law.

He could take up a life of crime.

My son, do you have any last confessions?

I like dish tar.

That'll cost you.

Is there anyone you'd like me to contact?

Call Mike Seaver.

Thanks to him, I ran wild. Broke curfew.

It took up a life of crime.

How come suddenly there's an echo?

We only use it on the important words.

Well, the chair is waiting.

Let's get cooking.

Sorry.

You like this, Tar?

Luke! Luke, do you have any idea what time it is?

Hey, I guess I blew with that curfew thing, but at least I beat your parents

home. Hey, forget about my parents. You've got to answer to me.

Mike!

Mikey!

Micromania. Don't micromania at me.

You're grounded.

What? For one month.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding. Do you have any idea what you put me through tonight?

I mean, I'm imagining that you're dead.

Wondering if I'm ever going to see you again?

Hey, I didn't do anything you haven't done a million times. Well, that was

different, Luke. I didn't do it to me. I did it to my parents.

I know how they felt. They were just protecting me.

Oh, whoa.

Listen to me.

Next thing you know, I'll be wearing white shoes and my belt up around my

nipple.

That's it, Luke. You're grounded, and this time we meet business.

Two weeks.

Hey, hey, I grounded him for a month. A month? Isn't that a little severe?

Dad, please, do not undermine me in front of the KID.

Now, listen, mister, I want you to march up to your room and think about what

you've done.

I'm serious.

And wipe that look off your face.

Mike, don't you want to reconsider? You were a little rough on him.

You'll understand when you have kids.

Don't tell Mike that I brought you up a little extra dessert.

Thanks. I'm still working on him to give you time off for good behavior.

Thanks.

Hi, Luke.

Where's Mike?

Oh, I haven't seen him. Good.

So, I know he said no more TV, but... TV?

Shh, just put it away, put it away.

I was never here.

Great, you're spying on me.

Luke, it's time you learned something from being grounded.

Boy, you don't let up. What are you, measuring the window for bars?

No, it's time you learned how to sneak out. Now, come on.

But this is your punishment.

I know.

And if you say anything, you're grounded.