Original subtitles

Hey, are you sure you and Mike can't stay for dinner? I'm making your

Lettuce.

That's really sweet, Mrs. Thiever, but Mike and I have tickets to the

tonight. The ballet?

Does Mike know they don't sell peanuts and he can't do the wave?

Jingle bells, jingle bells, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Guess what they've got down at

Murray's Trees, Trees, Trees?

I'd have to go with trees.

Yeah, but not just any trees. These are 12 -foot... Noble furs for only $8.

$8? Well, previously owned.

Jason, we are not going to have a big tree this year because you know how you

get when you decorate it.

Jolly?

Ho, ho, homicidal.

You have to have everything your way. So this year, we're going to try something

new.

Peggy, that's not a tree. That's parsley.

presents. Oh, sweetheart.

You know how much you care about saving the Earth.

Well, after Christmas, we can plant this tree and save it, too.

All year long, I care about the Earth.

On Christmas, I care about numero uno.

Okay, Kate, you ready to go see the Nutcracker?

Mike, you're going to the ballet?

It's a ballet?

Yes, I'm upset, and do you know why?

Dwight Halliburton has just stood me up.

I trusted him, and now my heart is clipped in twain.

Yeah, well, I hope your twain will be leaving soon on a very long twip.

Mike, how could you do that to her when she's so upset?

Oh, Kate, she's always like that. That's just who she is. Carol, yes, I'm upset.

Leave her.

Well, couldn't you go in and talk to her?

For me?

Well, okay.

That boy is smitten.

That boy is whipped.

Hey, Carol, what are you doing?

Alphabetizing the bookshelf.

I asked you to help, but I'm too busy to train you.

Carol, hey, listen, you don't want to tell me about your stupid problem, do

Dwight has a new research assistant named Felicia.

I guess you do.

And tonight, we had tickets to see Istvan Penderecki.

Istvan who?

He's a performance artist who screams obscenities at the audience while

his hair on fire. It was his Christmas show.

It doesn't matter because we won't be going anyway because I hate Dwight

Halliburton. In the ground, he cruises over.

You know what your problem is?

You and I come from the same loin?

No. You get involved with people who make you jealous.

Everybody gets jealous.

Not me.

Because I know how to pick women that I can count on. You don't see Kate

standing me up, do you?

Mike!

Great news!

I have to leave.

Huh? That was my agent.

I've been picked to be in the Sporting Man Swimsuit Edition.

We shoot in Jamaica next week. So I have to get fitted for my suit right away.

But Kate, you...

I was so looking forward to going to the ballet.

shouldn't a couple of tickets to the Nutcracker?

I am, I am.

Okay, 50 bucks.

What happened to Kate?

Oh, she had to leave. Her agent just called. She got a modeling job in the

swimsuit edition of The Sporting Man.

The issue I live and die for?

Steve's and Post's hamstring bikini?

Oh, I saw a girl who wanted you last year.

I did.

Uh, Chrissy, do you want to go to the Nutcracker with your old man?

Yeah. Okay.

So, uh, when is Kate doing this bikini shoot?

What's next week in Jamaica?

Oh, well, I'd love to be the photographer on that job. I mean, one

those babes.

Forget that.

I'd love to be the guy who rubs on the cocoa butter.

Forget that. I'd love to be the cocoa butter.

Hey, why don't you two guys go out and roll in the snow?

It's an ordinary photo shoot. Yeah, maybe, but if Kate was my girlfriend, I

wouldn't let her go to Jamaica.

Man, your brother trusts Kate.

Yeah.

Hold it, you two.

Kate's a professional.

Now, she can stand in the sun all oiled up in the briefest of bikinis having her

picture taken by some jet -set photographer without anything untoward

I'm glad that at least Mike knows that.

When I was 17...

It was a very good year.

What are you doing here?

You sent for me. Ah, I understand you volunteered to drive the bus for this

year's Christmas tree -cutting trip.

Yeah, I thought it might be a nice chance for some inner -city kids to

experience Christmas. You know, with the snow and the silver bells and the

mistletoe. Forget that.

Think Nunez with a chainsaw.

See, Bert, you don't have the seniority to do this on your own.

If you insist on taking them on this trip, I'll be forced to go with you.

Great. The more the merrier.

Steve, have I ever done you any harm?

Look, Mr. Tedesco, I'll level with you.

I need to find something to do this week while my girlfriend's out of town.

She's a model, and she's going to be in Jamaica doing the swimsuit issue of The

Sporting Man.

Steve, may I give you some unsolicited advice?

Catch the next thing smoking to Jamaica.

Look, Mr. Tedesco, Kate and I trust each other, okay? We're in love.

Don't you know love is a state of insanity?

I myself married Mrs. Tedesco because she had a body that wouldn't stop.

Shortly after I married her, it stopped.

Love makes your judgment take a holiday. You think you're marrying a goddess,

and you wind up with a walking bathrobe that reads, The Tinseltown Tattler.

Listen, Tedesco, I am darn sure that I know Kate.

Pretty well.

But do you know Nigel Dunn? No, who's he?

He's the chief photographer for The Sporting Man.

He's an Australian with rugged good looks and an appetite for every lovely

he photographs.

How do you know all this?

I read it in the tabler.

The bathroom can be a lonely place.

How's it look now?

Perfect.

Oh, Ben, come on. It's still crooked.

That's at least two degrees off.

Pretty straight to me.

Pretty straight doesn't feed the reindeer, pal.

So how's it going, guys? Great. We're just full of Christmas spirit.

He's full of it, all right.

Oh, Jason, are you starting it again? Why do you always take this so

Yeah, Christmas is supposed to be fun.

Luke. Fun doesn't just happen. Fun is a matter of exacting preparation.

Oh, no.

Christmas is the one time you want everything to be right.

Because I know when those stockings are hung at a 42 -degree angle and that

wreath is centered precisely on the door, it's going to fill us all with

Yuletide joy.

Besides, a sloppy Christmas is nothing more than Groundhog Day with Tinsel.

Loosen up. I'm loose, sweetheart. I just have a crooked tree. There's something

out of whack here.

I must have a screw loose.

Oh, nice ornaments.

Did I miss Dad's groundhog day with temple speech?

Yes.

If anyone asks, I'm off to the library to get a good look at Dwight's new hussy

research assistant, Felicia.

Oh, Carol, you're going to spy on somebody out of jealousy?

That's completely infantile. Only pathetic fools do that.

So you want to come?

All right, all right, fine. Go check out your competition. But let me tell you,

if she's female and breathing, she's too up on you.

Why do you needle her like that? Can't you see she's in pain?

Oh, come on, Dad. She's jealous over Dwight, the Duke of Dork.

Who's going to own him?

Felicia might.

It's only natural when people work closely together, they become attracted

one another, Mike.

Researchers and scholars, actors, directors.

Models and photographers? Exactly, Mike. That's my whole... That's the hole in

my theory.

That's the exception.

Oh, isn't this exciting?

Yeah, my first press party.

Can we go home now?

Get a load of those pants. Can you believe somebody actually paid money for

those babies?

Tweed jacket.

Can you believe he actually paid money for that?

There you are, Kate, darling.

Darling? That's the way people talk at these parties.

Hi.

Nigel Dunn, this is Mike Seaver.

Nice to meet you, darling.

You are going to look fantastic in this suit.

What do you think?

Ted, you're not actually going to... Mike, all the models are wearing suits

this. What if all the models were jumping off a building? Would you do

too?

Come, my angel, I'll introduce you to the press.

Sorry, Mick, no boyfriends allowed.

I got my spirit level.

I could use a little help getting the tree straight.

I have to go get out of the toilet. I've got an extra credit. I've got to scrape

the ice off the driveway.

I've got to eat some spinach.

Okay, then.

That's all the more fun for me.

Mike, you look like you're ready to go bag some trees.

Kate's flight get off okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fine, Dad.

You all right? Something on your mind?

Well, actually, I... Hey, no ornaments last. Oh, my.

I gotta get a broom. Just look, but don't touch.

Don't start with me.

Listen, Carol, I was wrong.

Why do you only do this when there are no witnesses?

No, no, no, I mean it. You have every right in the world to be jealous about

Dwight and his assistant, Felicia.

I saw Dwight's assistant this afternoon.

She's an older woman.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No.

old, blue hair, glasses, gets into movies for half price.

Oh, well, I mean, something could have happened if she was young and

You know, with all that heat and the dust and the glitter and the glamour and

the parties and the steel drums pounding.

In the library?

Well, the library, Jamaica, the location really doesn't matter.

Wait a minute. You're talking about Kate.

Hey, hey, hey, you leave Kate and Nigel Dunn out of this.

Nigel Dunn?

This is wonderful.

I was jealous about nothing, and you're jealous about Nigel. Tie me kangaroo

down. Done.

Let's go, Seaver.

We'll bust a load of kids out there with chainsaws. If we don't hurry, we'll be

driving a convertible.

Mr. Tedesco, I can't go.

The acoustics in here are absolutely horrid.

For a moment there, it sounded as if you said, I can't go.

I can't.

No!

I've got to go to Jamaica instead.

What?

Look, you were the one who told me to keep tabs on Kate. No, you can't do this

to me. I need this job till retirement. I have a wife, and the pension's really

the only thing we have going. I know it's no substitute for children, but we

made a decision.

Look, I've got to go to Jamaica.

Well, if you must go, do me one favor.

What's that?

Take me with you!

Well,

here I am in Jamaica.

Why am I in Jamaica? I'm sure everything's fine.

Okay, give it to me, baby. That's it, that's it. Beautiful, beautiful,

beautiful. Okay, turn a little more towards me. I love it. I love it.

Great, it's happening.

Yes, it is.

Beautiful.

Okay, let's stand up now.

That's it, that's it. Okay.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Yes, it's working. Let me see the back.

Okay, I think what you need is the... Oh, don't touch her. Don't you touch

Nigel Dunn.

Oh, you touched her.

boyfriend, are you?

Kate.

Last name, please.

Kate McDonald.

Her.

You're not Kate.

But that's okay. I was defending all women, everywhere.

And I'm sure she's grateful.

Your Kate's off the shoot.

No, no, no, you can't do that.

Already done.

Well, what if I apologize and I let you hit me again?

It's tempting, but no thanks.

Kate's up at the beach house recovering.

Recovering?

Mike! Kate!

What are you doing here?

Kate, what happened to your leg?

Oh, I got stung by a jellyfish.

What happened to your eye?

I forgot to put my tray table in the upright position.

Mike, you won't believe what Nigel did.

The minute I got on the plane, he made a pass at me.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. This is just what I wanted to hear. That

scumbag had made a pass at you, and nothing... Nothing happened, right?

Nothing. I knew it. I knew it. I have got the most wonderful girl in the

and nothing could come between us.

Now just send me over to check if you're all right.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's fine.

Not her golden gloves. You.

We don't have a steak to put on that eye, but I'll send over a chilled

Listen, don't feel bad. You're not the first jealous boyfriend to attack Nigel.

That's why I got his black belt.

You attacked Nigel?

This whole time I thought you were handling things.

You just didn't trust me.

Kate, Kate, look, I did it for you. I know guys like Nigel. And you know me

better.

Mike, I am not the kind of girl who's going to get involved with a slime like

Nigel Dunn.

You should have trusted me, Mike.

But, Kate... Goodbye, Mike.

Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, you're standing perpendicularly.

Not ninety -one or two degrees the most upright of Christmas trees.

Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree, we'll show them I'm not crazy.

All right, time to decorate the tree, everybody.

I guess I'm the only one with the Christmas spirit.

Everybody laughing, making decorations.

Now, this is how I always imagined Christmas would be.

Ta -da!

Oh, this is great. It's nice.

Let's put it on the tree.

That's a perfect tree.

Where have you been?

Well, I just spent my last dime to fly 600 miles to Jamaica to get dumped by my

girlfriend and punched in the eye.

You caught a lousy travel agent.

Carol, you were right. I was jealous.

No, you were right. I was jealous.

Of what? I thought Felicia was polygrip material.

That was Esther I saw. Felicia, 22.

Kind of a good -looking Michelle Pfeiffer.

Let me give you your Christmas present early.

Kate and I broke up.

Dwight and I did, too.

Really?

Love stinks.

Yeah. Pee you.

Family's all you got.

You bet. Who needs Dwight and Kate when we have each other? What are you talking

to? Let's hang out together.

Yeah. We'll go to museums and offers.

We'll get a house together and have cats. Love the cats.

Let's drop by seein' a movie. Okay, I'll get the paper. Okay.

Why?

You know... I was asking myself the same question. Why was I an insensitive,

jealous fool?

No.

Why can't I stay mad at you?

Oh, what a girl I've got.

From now on, I'm going to trust you at all times.

Okay, Mike, I got the movie guide.

Oh, beat it, cat lady.

Does this look like we're on the rocks?

Oh, those aren't for you. I found them outside. They're for Carol.

Give me those, you tree stump.

Listen to this.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

I fired Felicia because I love you.

Love, Dwight Halliburton, your medieval prince.

Doesn't he just send you?

Yeah, right to the porcelain throne.

Hey, you guys want to come in the living room for a minute?

Oh, the tree must be ready.

Pretend that you like it.

Come on, come on.

Cover your eyes.

Hey, cover your eyes.

Come on.

Shh, don't wake the elves. Okay.

Whoops. No,

no, you can't. No, nobody look. I want it to be a surprise. All right.

Everybody ready?

Open sesame.

What's the matter? You didn't finish.

He's probably waiting for the blueprints to get back from the North Pole.

No, I'm done. I just thought the rest of you might want to finish it off without

me. You mean we can decorate your tree any way we want?

Yes, Luke.

Not my tree. It's our tree. I know this is hard to believe, but sometimes I just

get carried away.

Oh, Jesus.

So, can we throw tinsel on a big handful?

If you wish.

And put the candy canes in any crazy place we want.

If the spirit moves you.

And put the heavy ornaments on top?

No, no, no.