Original subtitles

Good morning, everybody.

Second Saturday of the month, and do you know what that means?

You're going to be cranky?

No, it's chore day.

Praise God.

But I always have to clean the bathrooms. It's not fair.

Well, this time we're going to do things a little differently. I've written all

the chores on slips of paper so each of us can draw what he or she will do. Now

pick one, Betty.

Organize my panty drawer.

No,

that's mine. No, no, your rules. No, give me that.

Dust and vacuum and beat the rug.

Clean the bathroom?

Mom, it's not fair.

No, you're absolutely right, Carol. It's not fair.

So I can pick again?

No. Play with your bundle.

Wait a second. She can't read.

Oh, yeah.

Here, let me see what that says. It says, paint the garage.

Paint the garage? All right!

No, no, no. This is for your father. Why don't you just pick up your toys and

keep an eye on Ben and Carol? Come on!

Just in time. No, actually, I'm late. Have you seen Mike?

Pick one.

No, the one on the left.

Pick up my toys.

Okay. No, no, no, no.

Jason, Jason, stop that. It's chore day. It was your idea, remember? Oh, is that

today? Yeah. Oh, I can't, honey. I've got to go to the clinic.

But, Jason, you've been working there every weekend lately. Yeah, but today

we're having a special workshop on families that don't communicate.

Hey, I'm glad you guys are finally cleaning this place up. It's really

to look like a dump.

Look at that, you got some cereal on the floor.

Don't get too comfy, Mike. You're going to help your dad paint the garage today.

What, again?

Mom, I just did that ten years ago.

He can't. Yeah, yeah, I can't. Why not?

Because as a favor to me, he's volunteered to come down to the clinic

Maggie. Yeah, Maggie, I'm going down to the, uh, the where?

To where I've been going every Saturday for four months.

I don't want to get a haircut.

No, the clinic where I volunteered.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm going, I'm going.

Here's some shots and stuff.

Look, a vacuum cleaner's supposed to throw sparks.

Ben, be careful with my sock, master.

Let's go to a move before Mom gets back. No, no, we're going to the clinic,

Mike. Oh, come on, Dad. I thought we just had a little tender father -son

here where you were helping me get one past Mom. You've known about this for a

long time. You've got to write these things down.

What, write it down? Who am I, you?

Okay, fine, fine. Don't do me this favor.

You just stay around the house lounging on a relaxing Saturday just thinking of

nobody but yourself.

All right, now you're talking.

Well, again.

Show me that smile again. Show me that smile.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We know we're needed.

We know we're needed. The best is ready.

neighborhood you want to run out of gas not out of gas mike we're here for what

at the clinic oh man if i had a free clinic i certainly wouldn't put it in a

crunk neighborhood so you'd pick a rich neighborhood to put in a free clinic hey

hey hey does this car look like it needs a hood ornament talking to me i just

paid four bucks to have this thing waxed you know this clinic's got first aid

what's a white guy like you doing in a neighborhood like this

I'm a white guy.

Most definitely.

Hey. You know this guy?

Are you kidding? Everybody in a 30 -block radius knows TC.

40 blocks.

I had a busy week. This is my son, Mike.

Oh, hi.

How did you know each other?

Your pot's my crisis counselor.

Mm -hmm.

How's it going, anyway?

Three weeks without what I'm doing, okay?

All right.

Yeah. Well, I'm going to see you next Saturday.

Yeah, I wrote it down like you told me.

Yeah. Hey!

To me, I just paid four bucks to have it waxed.

So, uh, what exactly goes on in here, Dad?

I've told you about this place, Mike. This is a free clinic where I volunteer,

along with a lot of other doctors, hello, uh, to help out in the community.

You do listen to me, don't you?

Huh?

Anybody! here to speak Spanish?

Uh, no, but I've been to Spain.

Dr.

Bates, I need your Spanish. Tell her it's a simple fracture.

Just give up skateboarding.

Mike, come on. Our session's down here.

You know they got real doctors here, too. Who do you think I am?

I don't know.

I'm gonna miss our workshop.

What are we gonna do in there?

Well, all of the clinic therapists are experimenting with some intra -family

communication techniques.

Oh, well, they're not gonna hook up something electrical to my head, are

Oh, Jason, you're here. Good.

Doctor, would you take your feet, please?

I see each of you has brought a practice partner. Very good.

I sincerely hope that today's workshop will provide all of you with valuable

exercises for counseling dysfunctional child -parent relationships.

Thank you.

Well, it wasn't too boring. Well, let's go get a burger.

Mom is always too busy.

And, you know, you know, I really think that she drove away my father.

Very good, Hank.

Dr. Miller, your turn.

Remember, speak to Hank as his mother. Forget you're a therapist.

All right.

Well, my son never tries to see anyone's point of view but his own.

Not how it is at home at all.

Hank, don't kid yourself.

Thank you, Dr. Miller. All right, you're grounded.

And not just two months like the last time he's in the class. You can stop

You can stop now.

Thank you.

Everyone, you've just been a classic example of a reactive response taking

Dr. Miller, Hank, you can go back to your seats now.

Well now, what's to go next?

Oh, we have a volunteer.

Oh, no.

No, no, no. I was just yawning.

No, come on. Hey, you and I. We'll go, Mike.

Oh, no, no, no, really.

Somebody else can go next.

I'm really learning a lot here. I think I'd be a lot wackier if I went last.

Well, if it would make you more comfortable, I could assign you

traits other than your own, and you could act those out.

Huh?

Yeah, when we're talking, we'll be pretending to be other people.

Exactly. So, for the next few minutes, Dr. Sieber, why don't you adopt the

persona of a father who's, say, overly precise, thinks he's right about

everything, worships order for its own sake?

You know the type?

I have some idea.

Some idea?

And, Mike, let's say you're a little immature for your age, kind of the self

-centered sort with an arrested adolescence interested only in the

Being the professional actor that I am, I think I can stretch that far.

Professional actor.

Now, I want you to get into these assigned personas and just say what you

Okay.

Dad, what are you doing?

Too complex to explain to a layman.

What are you doing?

I'm getting ready.

I'm ready.

Mike, how do you feel?

Uh, pretty embarrassed.

Come on, you've got to come up with some conflict.

You can do that. He always does that.

Um,

well, Dad, I'm just not used to this kind of relating. I mean, it's hard for

to understand.

Okay, that's all right. Go on, give it a try.

Dad, I'm just not like you. I just can't drink milk after the expiration date

just because it smells okay.

Okay, very funny. That's very funny. Dad, I can't carry around an extra pair

otter eaters just in case.

That's mysterious.

God darn it to heck anyway, Dad. I just can't pay a guy for an haircut who's

just as good as a licensed barber because he's a few dollars cheaper.

No, no, Dad, this isn't Mike talking. This is his character I'm playing. I'd

never talk to you like that.

Oh, Dad, this is some serious freak exercises we're doing here.

I know what we're doing here, Mike. I know. Oh, gosh, I just wish I had some

-of -date milk here, because I'd toast you right now, Dad.

That's very nice. My son, you have to excuse me.

Uh, fantasies about being an actor sometimes.

Dad, Dad, come on, I am an actor. Yeah, and, uh, these are the little plays that

go on in his head, you see.

Little plays?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, am I not taking your calling seriously enough? No, Dad,

you're not.

Much like you don't take my calling seriously. Oh, so it wouldn't make you

if I went along with these little...

Party games while you guys nod and stroke your goatees? Well, I'd be just

happy as you would be if I didn't roll my eyes every time you used the word

actor. Oh, oh, so I get it. So you're a therapist. This is what you do every

week? You come in here and you beat up on each other's kids for fun?

Nice.

Now, how come when I said that, I got hit?

Hey.

Dr. Frankovich, everybody, excuse me. My son doesn't mean this. Yes, I do, Dad.

You know, to tell you the truth, I think this whole thing is a crock. A crock?

Yes, I think it's a crock, Dad.

I mean, how is your getting on my case going to help these people at all? Well,

I hardly think that a seminar on family conflict is the right place for you and

I to have a fight. Just to be clear, this is not a seminar on conflict. It's

seminar on communication.

Oh, shut up.

See, now, I'm sorry.

I'm upset.

My son's got me... Oh, fine, fine. You yell and I get blamed for it? Great.

Thank you very much. I'm glad I just wasn't around for World War II. I would

have blamed for the Alamo.

So, I apologize for my son's...

Irrational display.

Don't be so modest. Yours was pretty good, too.

What?

Mom wants to know if you're really cleaning the bathrooms.

I just go breaking.

Yes, I am. It took me two hours to discover we have tile in there.

I'll be thinking about you.

bug toilets, and Mike gets to go out and have fun with Dad.

Mike?

What are you doing out here? Get off that car!

Oh, fine. You're yelling at me, but when I get out of your car, you didn't yell

at him. I did, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. You laugh, you bump fists, and look silly.

Well, it took me a month to get that fist -bumping thing down, anyway.

So what was the point of that in there, Mike? I mean, do you really have such

contempt for my work?

With so little respect for my calling and for me? Well, hello, Dad.

It would be better if we didn't talk, all right?

Great cover.

Time to come in and communicate.

All right.

Let's have the Seabirds start in right where we left off.

No.

You want a real problem?

Talk to my ex -husband's son.

We're going to continue with the Seabirds because within the confines of

workshop, we should stick to those situations that offer some semblance of

The only reason I came back in here is because I thought I didn't have to talk

anymore. Now, I've got an idea that can turn this tension into what I'd like to

call a lubricant.

I'm going to hook up something electrical to my head.

I'm going to try some role reversal. Now, I want you to be the father, and I

want you to be the son.

I know what role reversal is. Thank you. I'm a psychiatrist.

Does anybody here understand? I know, Dr. Thiever.

You're the father. You're the son. Go for it. Come on, Jason. Show him.

Well, I'm glad to see you're finally cleaning up around the house. Look,

cereal on the floor.

Dad, that was an accident.

I'm not Dad. I'm Mike.

All right, well, you know, Son, you promised me you'd go down to the old

with me. You know, you should write these things down.

What, and be like dumb old you?

Well, I've had enough of this attitude.

You know, the least you can do is to go back in there and then cooperate and

stop embarrassing me in front of my colleagues.

Okay, all right, you know, I never should have brought you down here, Mike.

should have known that you wouldn't take this any more seriously than you take

the rest of your life.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We can't leave. You'll ruin my pie chart.

We're going to use it until we get home, and even then, I don't want to hear

another word.

Kirk is in your pants pocket. I said not another word.

Why didn't you just spit on me in there, Mike? Huh? Huh?

Oh, you're not going to say anything?

You said not another word.

So now you behave in private.

And there in front of my colleagues is like you're Hitler's son.

I'm a trained professional. I know how to handle all those situations in a

rational, compassionate manner.

How the hell could you do this to me, Mike?

Did you make me feel so hot in there? You call him on my plays little? You

making fun of my dream to become an actor?

Is that what you think? I'm making fun of your dream? Yes, you are. I don't

how you cannot understand me better than that, Mike. I don't know how we can be

so different. Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here.

Lloyd?

Hiya, Doc.

What are you doing here, Lloyd?

We've got a session, don't we? That's next Saturday, Lloyd.

Oh, so I'm early.

Come on, come on, come on. There's a real comfortable sofa just down the hall

the doctor's lounge, okay? Oh, much obliged.

I thought you weren't drinking anymore.

I'm not.

What's that in your hand?

It's an empty. I have a certain reputation to uphold.

Hey, Dad, what would you do if you saw me curled up inside this desk?

I'd be thrilled to see you that close to a place where work happens. See, that's

exactly what's wrong with you. What? You treat your patients better than you

treat me.

Oh, what?

It's true. I mean, like this guy, Lloyd, and then the kid outside.

I mean, whatever they do is fine.

But heck, I mean, if I come in and I steal a couple of cheese puffs, you

them up and you add them onto my rent.

I did that once, Mike.

The only reason I did that was to teach you something that could help you for

the rest of your life.

How can you help me for the rest of my life, Dan, when we are so completely

different? We're totally different. I mean, you say yes, I say no. You say

paper, I say plastic. I like plastic, Mike. I just don't think it's

environmentally responsible.

You're just trying to turn me into another little you. Oh, I am not.

Admit it. It's your secret sick little player. It is not. Yes, it is.

Okay, okay. The news idea wasn't for me to start putting my clothes away in

alphabetical order, huh?

Well, let me tell you this, Mike. Have you ever seen me repeat clothing two

in a row?

You know, it took me weeks to figure out where to put my BVDs. That's right.

It's underwear, Mike.

It's underwear. It's under you.

Underwear. Face it. Face it, Dale. Just face it. You have to be perfect.

I mean, everything you do.

From the way you act, the way you dress. I mean, even your hair. Everything. No,

I don't, Mike. I don't have to be perfect. No, no. Look. See?

See? Look.

You can't last ten seconds without reaching for your comb.

That's ridiculous.

I don't see what sitting here with messy hair has to do with anything we're

trying to prove here, Mike.

I knew it. I knew it. You know what? A little discipline like this just might

change your whole outlook on life, Mike. Yeah, I know, Dad. It frightens me.

Well, there's just nothing wrong with being a little practical, Mike. I mean,

then at least you always have something to fall back on.

Mike,

I never said give up acting altogether.

I just said I want you to be realistic.

But if you have something to fall back on, you might as well fall back.

I mean, what's the... It's like getting ready to give up.

No, it's not giving up, Mike. It's just sound advice.

Well, how do you know, Dad? You never felt what I feel.

You're wrong, Mike. I do.

I know because there was a time a long time ago when I made a mistake and my

straightened me out. Oh, that was when you were going to grow those sideburns

out to look like Elvis?

Well, I grew them for a reason, Mike. I grew them because I, too, had a crazy

fantasy. I thought I was going to become a rock star one day. And I thank God my

dad helped straighten me out.

Yeah, well, how can Grandpa be so sure that you wouldn't become a famous rock

star? Like, like, uh... Neil Diamond.

Who? I am, I said.

Kentucky Woman?

Kentucky Woman!

She gets to love you! Yes!

Yes!

Steve in a chair.

Oh, yeah, Neil Diamond.

Neil Diamond.

Now do Cracklin' Rosie.

Hey! Oh, Lloyd, get out. Go on.

For your information, Mike, the state of Delaware did not agree with Grandpa.

Me and my band won the talent contest at the Delaware State Fair one year.

Oh, I bet you love waving that in Grandpa's face.

And I didn't wave anything in my dad's face, Mike. Unlike me, he was not a

reasonable man.

No, he just gave me a choice. He said, you gotta either choose. You take

school or you can follow this foolishness with your band.

And you chose medical school. No, no, I chose foolishness.

We had a chance to audition for American Bandstand with Dick Clark as he was

famous for discovering new bands.

Who? Dick Clark.

Foul Ups, Bloopers, and Blunders. Oh, you met him?

He was a lot older then.

So with my dad saying, don't you come back, the whole band drove to

Philadelphia. We drove all night, stayed in the most expensive hotel in town.

That's how sure we were.

Yeah, well, what happened?

Well, let's just say we ended up skipping out on the bill.

I had no choice but to go back and tell my dad what happened. And you know what

he said? What?

I told you so.

What? That was the best he could do? Well, you don't understand.

I mean, what he was really saying, he could have made a big tragedy out of it.

But he knew at that time the best thing for me was to have my heart broken. Oh,

no, Dad, you're nuts. Come on, at least he could have said something like, like,

sorry it didn't work out, son, or, hey, you gave it your best shot, or I love

you or something.

Yeah, well, he could have put his hand on my shoulder. Yeah, or he could have

said that you back a play on weekends.

Could have said, hey, you know, Dick Clark, you're a jerk. Yeah, that's my

point. I mean, what made him think that what I wanted didn't matter? Yeah,

exactly. Yeah.

Maybe you were like me.

I was.

I don't believe it.

This means that someday I may turn into you.

Dad, does it happen all at once?

Hey, Mike, I'm sorry that I put you down about that acting nonsense.

Nonsense? I mean, ting, ting, the acting ting. Ting?

I mean, uh, your dream.

I've learned a lot today.

Yeah, me too.

I better go screw around while I got a chance. I mean, uh, I don't know when

end is coming.

You know, it's not all bad to be just a little bit practical and responsible,

too.

Dad, when the change comes, does it hurt?

I'm sorry, Dad. This whole thing is kind of a shock to me.

How do you think I feel?

I just found out the person that frustrates me most in the entire world

like me.

Oh, yeah? So, I'm kind of sorry you came to this workshop thing, too.

No.

I don't get you, Dad.

Wait a minute.

I do understand.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, it's happening.

It's happening, and... And it does hurt.