Original subtitles

Ah, this is a nightmare.

It all started when I sold my parents a trip to Europe, and I got one for free.

That's when my troubles began, and that's when I met Amy.

Do you realize that according to the itinerary, we're missing the grave of

Gogh?

Doesn't that... Can you believe she actually came all the way to Europe just

see a bunch of graves and museums?

Why'd you come to Europe?

Well, I... I figured a place with 68 million women who couldn't understand a

word I said couldn't be all bad.

And when the tour went bust, she didn't take it that well.

We are stranded in Europe.

We have a pair of tickets that's put only in Paris in six days, a city 500

away.

So we started walking.

I mean, I thought we had some laughs along the way. She seemed to be

up a little bit.

But I guess I was wrong, because she deserted me.

me. So here I am, broken alone in Spain.

I just hope Mom and Dad are doing better than I am. This is a nightmare.

No sooner did Jason and I get to Paris than... Oh!

It's a 10 -minute site, but we're taking you to the hospital. Everything's going

to be fine. And all I've seen of this gorgeous city is... Voila!

And the worst part, we can't have our anniversary dinner at Henri's.

I'm just glad my folks are taking care of the kids back home.

And look, this is long distance. I'll make it quick, all right? We're in the

hospital. Appendix side is hers.

Healing's fine.

Return flight the same. Hey, this is great.

You sound like you're calling from down the street.

Can we try that thing where you drop the pin by the receiver and I see if I can

hear it?

Hello?

$14 a minute and he's playing games.

Jesus, is Chrissy sleeping all right? Yes, yes. Why shouldn't she? She doesn't

have to sleep in a chair.

So, what was so important he couldn't tell me?

Oh, no, then just that Mom's in the hospital with appendicitis.

What?

Ben, Ben, it's your play and Grandma's trying to shoot the moon.

And I'm not going in there.

And so at this point, I don't know what's worse, having appendicitis or

trying to keep me entertained.

Show me that smile again.

Hey, don't waste another minute.

See, today I covered 27 kilometers, which is either 4 miles or 40 miles.

Oh, man, I'm never going to make it to Paris in three days at this rate.

I just hope Amy is having as much trouble as I am. Heck, I hope she's

more.

Are you sure you want to stay here?

Honey, what does my lower back pain matter as long as I'm cheering you up?

Jason, why don't you get a room?

Oh, what, honey? Come on. You're here and you're feeling miserable. Are you

kidding? I'm going to stay right here and feel miserable, too.

Honey, there's no reason that we should both miss Paris.

Who's missing Paris?

We're not missing Paris, honey. You had a croissant for dinner?

And these nurses have all been very, very rude to us. There's nothing more

French than that.

Just close your eyes. You know, you can almost hear the sound of a concertina

echoing across the stage.

All I can hear is my drip bag.

That's your problem. You can't visualize.

Jason, like I said, get a room.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go down to the gift shop tomorrow

morning, and I'm going to buy postcards of every scenic place in this town.

And then we're going to pretend we're there.

Sort of like last year's anniversary.

Yes.

Thank you. Thank you for showing me why helmet laws are a good idea.

Amy, don't worry. I'm here.

I just kept you out of jail.

They're going to take you to the Ritz?

Look, you would have been lucky to get a dirt floor and a piece of dry bread.

Oh, yeah?

And how does a guy who knows nothing about anything suddenly become an expert

Spanish tales?

Well, all right, I slept in one last night.

You got arrested?

Yeah, but unlike you, I did not want to be arrested.

They accused me of stealing a chicken.

Oh, you think that's funny? Yeah, I think it's great.

Yeah, fine, I'm not giving you any of the chicken.

At least I can get arrested, even when I don't want to. Well, I'll give you that

one. Look, why are you so wet?

I was in the fountain.

What were you doing in there?

I wanted to get arrested.

And at the very least, I thought I could cool off and get clean.

I don't function well without proper hygiene.

Let's travel together.

Hey, look, we couldn't do any worse. I'm not so sure about that. We don't have

time to try.

Okay, but just until... Just until Paris. Okay. All right.

Hey, if there's any more strong language, like, jerk, and I'm out of

try to control myself. Thank you.

Let's go.

Mike, what are you looking at?

That money is for the needy.

Uh -huh.

Mike! Mike, the police are going to sue you!

Look, either we get the money for a place to stay, or we get arrested and we

a place to stay.

You can take care of that hiking problem.

Jason, I say this with love and affection.

Get out of here.

I mean it. See something. Do something.

Honey, no. No, I'm not. Not without you.

If you don't go soon, I'm going to rip my stitches out.

You're making my recovery miserable.

I'm just trying to cheer you up.

Look at this room. It's enough to depress anybody.

Not even find Henri's. Please. I mean it.

Okay. All right. Good. I'll go.

I'll go.

But I won't enjoy it.

What are you thinking about?

Underwear.

Pardon me?

Well, I mean, our clothes are cleaner, but it would be nice to have a fresh

pair...

You insane, aren't you?

Yes, because I care about cleanliness, because I worry about getting to Paris,

because I don't think it's funny thumbing for rides and crashing people's

weddings and jumping into stupid fountains. Whoa, whoa, come on. Don't

yelling and hopping all up and down. Mike, you came to Europe expecting

and so you're missing nothing.

But I came with 58 places on my itinerary.

I'm not going to get to see a one.

Oh, well, for your information, I had lots planned here in Europe.

Like what? Hanging out at every topless beach?

Absolutely not.

And have you heard me complain once that I missed that?

Oh, yes. Checking out all the sleazy discos in Spain.

Oh. Oh, all right. Well, then, what did you have planned that was so meaningful

and important?

The Gaudi Cathedral.

Castilian architecture.

The chapel where my grandparents were married in Corbeil. The River Seine.

The Louvre? Ooh, big talk.

Big talk?

Hey, look.

If I'm the one who's supposed to be so shallow and stupid, how come I can sit

here and just appreciate being on this mountain under a beautiful sky and

a great picnic with a girl?

I'm not concerned about my underwear at all. Let me tell you, I can certainly

use a fresh pair.

All right, fine. Maybe it's better we just don't talk.

This is a beautiful place, Mike.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, Mike! The first star!

Make a wish.

Oh, are wishes on your itinerary?

Must pay for them even the Concorde.

Well, how do you know for sure it's going to end up in Paris?

Guaranteed. Do we have to do this? Look, for the kind of time and money we have,

we've got to. I just don't trust these four hot air.

Amazing. Do you want me to put my arms around you?

No, that's okay.

If the wind keeps blowing, then we might just catch a glimpse of that chapel in

Corbet.

I enjoy Paris alone.

Yeah, right.

Hey, that's it. That's Corbet.

Maurice, where's the brake on this thing?

What is this place?

It's a place.

God, earth, death, us.

Oh!

Amy, Amy, wake up.

Mike, what are you doing? We have less than an hour to get to Paris.

If we miss that flight, we're going to be stranded in Europe forever.

This is where your grandparents got married.

43 years ago.

Well, this is the first item on your itinerary, so relax, take your time, and

enjoy it.

Okay, we've got 45 minutes to hit the other 57.

I think we can do it.

Bonjour, Papa.

Jason, where have you been? You said you'd be back at 7, and it's 5 p .m.

Well, I thought you wanted me to get out.

Of course I said that.

I didn't really think you'd go.

You thought what? That you could leave me in this crummy room while you went

and had a wonderful time in Paris, the city of lights?

Maggie. You said you wouldn't have fun, you promised.

I found Henri.

What? Yes.

Exactly where we left it 22 years ago. I even ordered from the same menus

printed on the wine bottle. Oh, that figures.

That just figures. You probably had a wonderful dinner and a wonderful

and witty conversation with exotic women. You remember Henri?

Ah, Madame Sievert.

In 20 years, you only look lovely.

No, Henri, Henri.

Madame Siever, in 20 years you only look lovely.

May I serve you now?

Oh, jeez.

You are the sweetest, most thoughtful husband a woman could ever have. Yeah,

I've been saying that for years.

Jason's favorite?

Mm -hmm.

Will you marry me?

I'm thinking about it.

Whoa,

Paris!

Well, I think we finally got out of Spain.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, Maurice. We don't want to hit this thing.

I never dreamed I'd see Paris like this.

Hey, the River Seine. And the Notre Dame Cathedral.

And that's the Louvre. And the Arc de Triomphe.

Items 47, 48, and 49 on your itinerary, I believe.

Oh, could you put it down in that beautiful park?

Oui.

Okay, fine. Could you put oui down in that beautiful park?

Yes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Set it down easy, Maurice.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well,

that's the first French I've understood.

Hey, my knapsack! My knapsack!

I never thought we'd do it. No, I never doubted it for a second.

Oh, listen, you've got to catch that metro to De Gaulle Airport.

Not De Gaulle.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I didn't screw this one up. I checked the ticket. See?

No, but my flight's leaving out of Orly. See?

Oh.

Well, then I guess this is goodbye.

I know this trip wasn't a pleasure for you. You go first. No, you go first. Go

ahead. No, you go first.

This is harder than I expected.

All of a sudden, I can't say goodbye.

Well, then don't.

Just say oui.

That means yes, Mike.

I know, but the only other word in French I know is... That doesn't seem

appropriate.

Here.

This is my address in California.

You can read, can't you?

Thank you.

Believe it or not, this was... This was... Fun?

Yeah.

I wasn't too horrible to be with, was I? I mean, I can be so rigid, but I am

working on it. Well, keep working on it.

Well, I guess we've got to go.

I'm going to miss you, Mike.

And for what it's worth...

You're not the screw -up that you think you are.

And I mean that pretty much the way it sounds.

Hey, what's this picture? That's the alley where that crazy Spanish guy was

chasing me.

That is the men's room where I ducked in on the run.

Nice, you're early. Thank you.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, those are my mug shots.

You know, they usually don't let you keep those things.

Nice lighting.

Thank you.

Hey, who's the babe? That is Amy Baudelaire. That's the girl that I met.

Eh, at first she was kind of a drag, but then later on she turned out to be...

kind of a drag.

It doesn't look like a very fun trip.

Look, Benny, you do not go to Europe just to have fun.

You go there to experience an older, richer culture.

Any more urinals?

Hey, that must be Mom and Dad.

Uh, well, listen, Ben, I really don't think I'm ready to hear about the trip

yet, okay? I mean, they'll probably blame me for selling them the lousy

All right, if they ask, I'm not home. Go on. I can handle Mom and Dad. Trust me.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, Ben!

Hey, how are you?

How was your trip? I hope your pictures are better than Mike's.

Mike's home?

Mike who?

Why are we wasting our time talking about somebody who's not even here?

Let's see those darn pictures.

Sorry, Ben, no pictures, but I do have plenty of postcards.

Man, you guys saw a lot of neat stuff.

Not any of it.

You're back. I wrote a check for the thingy I broke. Most of your children

here, I think. The only good thing about this week is Ed left two days ago.

Oh, don't worry. I'll take a cab.

See you. Bye.

I think Grandma's had a tough week.

Hello? It's worse than I thought, Ben. Mom and Dad have completely disappeared.

At this rate, it looks like I may have to stay here a couple of weeks.

Dad, I think you better handle this one.

Oh, honey, I don't think your mom and Wally had so much fun. Yeah, I sensed a

little tension there.

They were ready to rip each other's spleens out.

Yeah.

These things happen all the time, you know? A couple's sailing along in a

marriage, and all of a sudden, poofed. What poofed? This poofed. Who poofed?

poofed. I didn't poof. Poofed.