Original subtitles

Previously on Growing Pains... Oh, uh, Mrs.

Seaver? Wouldn't you like to put the thrill back into your marriage by

Europe for just pennies a day?

Mike, the day your dad springs for a trip to Europe is the day pigs fly.

She's in first class? I have no idea.

No, no, no, guys. This isn't your stop. It's mine.

Mike's going to Europe, too?

Do you realize, according to the itinerary, we're not visiting the grave

Gogh?

Oh, look,

the Eiffel Tower.

Oh, honey, I want to go back to Henri's.

Oh, yeah, so do I. Where else can you get such great food at a sensible price?

It's also where you proposed.

Why don't you come to Europe?

Well, I... I figured a place with 68 million women who couldn't understand a

word I said couldn't be all bad.

Sus boletos no valen nada, señorita, a no ser que necesiten papel higiénico.

El hombre es el presidente, babababu.

At the end of version.

Oh, Jason.

in Europe.

We have a pair of tickets that's good only in Paris in six days. A city 500

miles away.

It's appendicitis, but we're taking it on, so everything's going to be fine.

When my mom finds out that her little boy is in trouble, heck, I can just hear

her now.

Jason, we are not having a baby.

Oh, come

on.

Oh, come on. No one's there.

Don't be so dumb.

Dumb?

Hey, look, I'm not the one who blew her whole life savings on this tour. I got

it for free.

Just for the record, I'm sorry I was so nice to you.

I don't need her.

I'll be fine.

What if I don't have a lot of money and things aren't looking so good right now?

I'd talk my way out of tougher jam.

Sir. Yes?

Don't they...

Show me that smile Don't waste the

little ones, we wouldn't be having so much fun.

Grandma, it's two in the morning. How long do I have to keep this on?

It's Mississippi River mud, dear. One minute to apply, an hour to dry.

It'll suck the impurities right out of your skin.

By morning, your face will be as soft as Benjamin's behind.

There's a disgusting image.

Now you relax on the couch while... I go up and warm up the power tweezers.

Yeah, same time tomorrow night, Stickman. When my parents gone, I can

with murder.

What's going on down here?

Benjamin, what are you doing coming in at this hour? You're only nine years

I'm 14, Grandma.

Old enough to be drafted.

Oh, well, that's different.

Carol, you've never looked lovelier.

Into the chocolate pudding again, I see.

It's Mississippi River mud.

Boy, you must have really been hungry.

Quiet!

If you wake up your grandfather, oh, maybe it's an hour to apply, a minute to

dry.

Hey, Carol's turning into stone.

Now, it's nothing to be alarmed about. I'll have it off in a jiffy.

Do you know where your father keeps his chisels?

We're not together.

Say, thanks for loaning me a toothbrush.

It's not what you think.

We slept on park benches last night.

Different park benches.

Different park.

And he didn't borrow my toothbrush. He stole it.

I don't think he speaks English.

Good. It's none of his business anyway.

Un boleto que me lleve el hombre cerca de París.

Ese es todo el dinero que tengo.

Yeah. Two. Dos.

Me too.

Hey, can I help it if I happen to be going to the same place as you are?

Which is?

I could tell you, and you still wouldn't know.

She's always like this.

Canadian.

Hey, look, you say you don't need me? Look, you need me just to keep your

tickets straight.

Those aren't tickets. That's money.

Oh. Well, then, for now, I'm going to keep this in a safe place. Where's my

money?

Oh, I caught a new producteur. Ah, no need for the high school French.

How's my wife?

Excellent. And you have a 4 ,000 -gram healthy, happy baby boy.

I don't understand.

Ah, metric, forgive me. Your son, he weighs eight pounds.

No, no, I don't have a baby.

It is bad enough you were not by your wife's side when the child was born. Now

you disown her completely?

No, no, I... It's fever. My name is fever. I brought my wife in here to have

appendix removed.

Oh, Sacrebleu, what have we done?

What have you done?

Oh, please.

I'm sure it is just a little, um, how you say, uh, mix up in the paperwork.

Don't worry. We lose patience all the time.

Hey,

look, I don't mean to rush you, but the report in the bus.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Hey, if you're not out here by the count of three, I'm leaving without you.

One, two,

two and a half, two and three quarters.

Come on, come on, let's go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Si queréis subir, tenéis que comprar otro

boleto. No, gracias.

Hasta luego.

Bueno, muchachos, apriétense sus cinturones de seguridad.

What did you say to get us kicked off that bus?

Our tickets only took us this far.

Well, what'd you tell him that for? I didn't tell him. He told me.

Gus, Gus, I hate Gus.

All right, look, we could buy some more tickets.

We don't have any more money.

Oh, yeah? What do you call this?

That's your casual ticket.

Don't mad at me for it, all right? You know, the only reason we don't have any

more money is because I bought us lunch. You spent $50 on a couple of ding

-dongs. Wait, look, is it my fault that they don't put what their money's worth

on the money? Hey, why are you walking so fast? It's 400 miles to Paris.

400 miles? We got four days. That's, uh, 70 miles a day.

You're an idiot.

You're right, you're right.

Kilometers. We're even closer than we thought.

Mr. Stiver, you can relax.

We straightened out everything.

Certainly hope so.

Well, it is actually quite amusing.

You see, the same time that Madame Stiver, your wife, checked into the

another American, Madame Simone, checked in as... How's Maggie?

Who?

My wife, Maggie. How is she? Oh, oh, she's in surgery. Don't worry about a

thing.

Voilà, monsieur, votre enfant.

There better be an appendix in here.

to do your part. I don't like this.

Now just look like you're pregnant.

Perfect.

Why are you stopping?

He doesn't like you either.

Kitty, as far as he goes.

Oh, I don't think he's going to leave a pregnant woman out here in the middle of

nowhere. That's fine. We'll deliver the baby ourselves.

Muchas gracias, senor.

A fun.

Los americanos.

Oh, oh, oh, you smell that?

Pardon me, I've been on the road.

No, no, not you, something good.

Hey, come on, it's over here. Come on, to the right.

About a hundred yards.

Three of the basic food groups, I can smell them.

Oh, the dress is beautiful.

Oh, the dresses are great.

What's that one?

Lobster.

Are you serious?

Who?

We are not going to crash someone's wedding. I'm not eating its food.

Aren't you going to have any clams?

Not that one, the big one.

Hola.

¿Los puedo ayudar en algo?

Let's go, Mike.

Sí, sí, sí. We are American relativos. El cousin of the grumo.

I'm leaving, Mike.

My wife just had a baby.

I did not. I had a knapsack.

How do you say husband in Spanish?

Esposo. We're with the esposo.

Thank you for inviting us to your homo.

El pequeño.

What do you think?

I like you.

Okay, we'll tell them that the airline's lost our gift.

Por favor, quédense y coman todo lo que quieran.

What? What?

They've invited us to stay and eat.

Gracias, gracias.

¿Qué más sabe? Gracias.

I'm crazy, huh? I had that guy wrapped around my finger.

Never mind.

Amy,

I think we better dance.

Forget it. I don't dance.

You're kidding. Why not?

I don't dance, okay?

Why?

I haven't been asked that much. It doesn't matter anyway.

Well, look, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. Come on. Hi.

Right foot first.

Bend your elbow.

Today's forecast, 46 degrees, with sleet on the way, a bizarre day weather

-wise, as every major European city is overcast and rainy, except for

where it's a warm and beautiful 82.

Good evening.

What'd she say?

She said it's not fair. She hates her life.

You sound like a bunch of gibberish to me.

As always.

My wife is fine.

Although she will have to stay here for the rest of the week. She's still in

some pain.

But you found the right woman.

You got her. I mean, blonde, about this tall, probably very cranky by now.

Oh, that's her, all right.

She's fine? The operation went well?

Oh, yes, yes. It went perfectly.

No complications.

Without getting too technical... It's all right.

I'm a doctor also.

Oh, I didn't realize this.

So you understand about our little screw -up.

No, I don't. No, frankly, I don't. No, I have never seen a hospital run quite

this badly.

I'd be ashamed to practice in a place like this.

What is your specialty, Dr. Siva?

Psychiatry.

Perhaps you could have talked the appendix out.

Honey, it is you.

Jason.

Is it a boy or a girl? Shh. Don't let anybody hear you say that.

It's an appendix, and you're going to be fine.

Oh.

Oh, yes, I remember. I'm in a hospital. Yes.

In Paris.

Mm -hmm. And you look, honey, wonderful.

I bet even your stitches are cute.

Yeah, I was right.

Jason, why does this have to happen now?

It could have been worse. We could have been parents again.

Long story.

Jason, our anniversary.

How long do I have to stay here? About a week.

We can't have our anniversary dinner at Henri's.

Oh, no, you haven't ruined a thing. Come on. We're together. We're in Paris.

Huh?

Voila.

Look, I'll...

You just can't admit that it was my cunning that got us fed.

Hey, you're smiling.

You do realize how lucky you are to be under my wing.

Yeah, I sure do.

You know, there's a lot of tricks I could teach you.

Before you know it, you'd wind up having a good time.

Let's say I'll settle for the best of a bad situation.

Uh -oh. But what it's worth, Amy, you're not the Doug you think you are.

Boy, and I mean that pretty much the way it sounds.

me. I don't need a language.

Oh, got the pillow, please.

This is for me.

I'm here for her sake, so I would like to be sitting instead.

Excusez, excusez, va -va -voom.

Jason, what is going on? It took me nearly two hours to go to sleep.

So if you're going to insist on staying here... Honey, honey, no need for long

thank yous. I know what me being here means to you.

I don't believe this.

You brought us right back where we started.

Oh, no, I didn't. We're miles from where that hotel was where that guy was

trying to kill me.

I have known that any guy whose IQ is less than his waist size is useless.

Oh, I am not useless.

Okay, name one thing, just one thing that you've done right since we got to

Spain. All right, well, unlike you, I did not move my wallet in that truck.

I have it right here.

Would you slow down?

Oh, oh, fine. You didn't thank me for the food, so why should you thank me for

the wallet?

You didn't get the food. I did. That guy was going to crush your head like a

melon. How can somebody kid themselves like this?

Look, would you hold on a second?

Look, I can try to get in touch with my parents again.

Come on, Mike. We both know this whole parent thing is just a big joke.

Yeah, I know, but at least they've got money.

I'm calling for Dr. Jason Seaver.

What do you mean he's checked out?

No forwarding address?

Thank you.

On my itinerary right now, I made this little... church in Corvée.

Not that it's any great landmark.

My grandparents were married there.

Look, can I borrow one of those little coins with pictures of Elvis on it?

That's King Juan Carlos.

Hey, look, in my book, there's only one king.

Oh, so now you want to borrow my very last Mercedes.

Thank you.

Gotta find out where they are.

not from you.

So what are you going to do, Chrissy?

I accept the charges.

Is that Mike?

No, it's for me and it's private. Get out!

It is Mike.

Nice, Carol.

You just hung up on Mom and Dad.

What?

Oh,

she hung up.

Amy?

I mean, I am not used to being treated like this! Amy, don't worry, I'm here.

No! Take it away!

Just close your eyes, you know, you can almost hear the sound of a concertina

echoing across the thing.

All I can hear is my drip bag.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Maurice, where's the brake on this thing?