Original subtitles

Hello. Good evening, sir.

Wouldn't you and the missus like to put the thrill back into your marriage by

touring Europe for just pennies a day?

Not particularly.

Ben? You know, Mike, Dad told you he wouldn't buy anything you're selling.

Yeah, well, listen, twerp. Uh, young man, let me tell you about va -va -va

tours. Would you mind if I call you young man?

I prefer it.

but I will tell you what I prefer.

Perhaps I should speak to the man of the house.

You got it.

Mom!

Ann, don't yell.

Telephone, some scuzzy sales guy.

Hello, Mike.

Hello, Mrs.

Seaver. I've got a way to put the sizzle back in your marriage.

Don't make us say this, Mom. It's just a coincidence.

Mike, we went through this when you got this job.

Well, I'll have you know, ma 'am, that our package tours to romantic places

Paris, Rome, and Barcelona have never been cheaper.

Neither has your father.

Oh, please, Mom. Just one little all -expense -paid trip for two to Europe.

Mike, the day your dad springs for a trip to Europe is the day pigs fly.

I still can't believe you did this. What do I have to do to lose the undeserved

reputation for being stingy? You're springing for a cab wouldn't hurt.

Come on, I just thought it would be nice if the whole family saw us off to the

airport. Don't listen to him, Jason.

Babysitting taxi services, that's what in -laws are for.

That's what they're for.

Hey, Dad, since we're at the airport, can we drop Carol off at air freight?

Some people refuse to take me to Europe. But do you have to squeeze me back here

with Ben, the pest hole?

Can we tie Cheryl to the luggage rack?

I don't care. I'm going to Europe.

Cheryl, this is a romantic holiday. A little time for your dad and I to be

and celebrate our anniversary.

And forget we have kids.

Wish I could forget.

Besides kids, we're going to have a grand week together.

I finally get to teach you about makeup.

And, Ben, it is not unmanly to embroider.

After all, it is the 80s. It's the 90s, Grandma.

Christine, don't confuse your grandmother.

Hey, Grandpa, here, here, here. Pull over. Pull over.

Jason, first class?

I had no idea.

Neither did I.

No, no, no, guys. This isn't your stuff. It's mine.

Yours?

See, I told so many trips that I got one of our collegiate tours for free.

Mike's going to York, too?

Yeah,

this is supposed to be a romantic tour for your mom and I with you around. It

is, it is. Relax.

Look, we won't be in any of the same cities at the same time. I won't be

anywhere near you guys.

I'm on a good tour.

I have 36F.

Ah. Uh, excuse me, would you switch with me, please?

No.

Well, you see, my wife and I are on one of those romantic cities tours. Yeah,

well, so am I, and you don't hear me carping.

My wife's way back there by the bathrooms.

Why don't you sit together?

For the kids' sake.

Just for security, we never travel together.

It's okay, Jason. Just sit.

Excuse me.

be a slight delay in our departure today.

Kindly return to the terminal while we load the animals two by two.

There go the peanuts.

Anyway, ladies, I was just as stunned as you were when they put me on this

sorority tour.

I guess Va Va Boom Tours knows what they're doing.

You forgot a va.

It's Va Va Va Boom Tours.

Gosh, how could I forget? And I work for the company.

Have you been to Europe before?

Oh, hey, I know that place like the back of my hand.

You just marched through Liechtenstein.

Excuse me, did you just say you worked for Va Va Va Boom Tours?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

Do you realize, according to the itinerary, we're not...

the grave of Van Gogh?

Gesundheit.

Seriously. I mean, I didn't come to Europe to party, did you?

Party! Party!

Party!

Party! Party!

Party! Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you sure you're here with this sorority

tour? This is a sorority tour?

Yeah, babe.

All right.

Come on.

There is no reason we cannot get along like sisters.

You know, a little laughing. a little horseplay, pillow fights.

I'll be in the non -giggling section.

Oh, Mike, I know what I wanted to ask.

When you get to France, could you tell me how many drinks you can get for a

dollar?

Eh, it depends.

If they're all beef, one.

This is Captain Noah again.

Sorry about the three -hour delay.

How did you think they got elephants to Europe?

I love my wife, too.

Jason, just reason. Tomorrow we are going to be celebrating our anniversary

Paris. Yeah.

See how I aced the big guy?

Jason, romance?

Right, yes, yes.

Oh, honey, I want to go back to Henri's.

Oh, yeah, so do I. Where else can you get such great food at sensible prices?

It's also where you proposed to me.

That was my A reason.

All right. All right. The next bus will be ours.

I'm sure of it. You have been saying that for the last hour.

Yeah. And where's our luggage? Yeah.

Come on, sisters.

Don't turn on me now. Especially after you've shown me the secret handshake.

I came here to see Europe, not stand here in the middle of some foreign city.

Come on.

You don't see Miss Culture here complaining, do you?

Actually, I was enjoying watching this impromptu view of Spanish life moving

hither and yon before us.

El corazón de España se puede encontrar en las calles y cafés.

I'm taking a cab. Me too.

Wait a minute.

Cabs cost a lot of money.

We're rich.

can be so shallow.

Yeah. Hey, you wouldn't mind giving me a ride, would you?

Man, where do they get off charging $40 for a bus ticket?

Not $40, $4.

Hey, hey, this Spanish money is okay.

What's my book?

The Nude in Europe?

It's just an art book. Nothing to be ashamed of. Put it away.

Put it away.

Put it away.

Relax. I mean, gosh, nothing worth looking at in there. They're all stone.

You don't understand.

I mean, the hands of an artist can take cold stone and transform it to a sublime

level of eroticism.

What page is that on?

Why did you come to Europe?

Well, I figured a place with 68 million women who couldn't understand a word I

said couldn't be all bad.

How did you end up on a sorority tour?

I was misled by some sleazy phone salesman.

He didn't happen to mention his name, did he?

No. Why?

No reason.

help me get to the hotel soon.

I want to see some of the museums before closing time.

Don't you worry. The statues aren't going anyplace.

Did anyone ever tell you that you've got a great sense of humor?

No.

No one ever will.

Hey, look, I didn't mean to say anything to upset you.

And good luck with the new thing. I hope your whole vacation isn't a total

waste. Well, thank you.

Oh, look, and please, if anyone asks you, say you're Canadian.

Good afternoon, sir.

Buenas dias, senor. Hello, sir. Hello, senor.

I got in here for senorita.

You are the first woman ever to touch my soul.

Tu eres la primer mujer que me ha sentado mi alma.

You!

I mean, you're not staying at this hotel.

Well, not that bad.

No, I mean, it's not like a toothache.

Easy for you to say.

Buenos dias. Bienvenidos.

Polo.

It's hola.

Um, somos parte del trubaba babu.

Baba. Boom?

Uh, no. You left out one ba.

Si.

Tell him I work for the company.

Tell him

I run the company.

El Presidente! Ba -ba -ba -boom!

Oh, honey, it's so pretty. Look.

Jason, smile. We're here.

Yeah, four hours late.

Whatever happened to our free tour bus?

Well, to tell you the truth, sweetheart, I kind of enjoy being alone with you.

Yeah, me too.

What's the French word for receipt?

It's only a cab ride.

Yeah, but who knows what roundabout route this criminal's taking us on.

The French word for receipt is reset.

Oh.

Hey, please, just sit back and enjoy the ride.

I'll sit back. I can't promise I'll enjoy myself.

Oh, look, the Eiffel Tower.

Big stinking deal.

When Rue de Lisbonne, that means our hotel should be right there.

What are we doing?

I don't know.

Monsieur Damme, perhaps while you are discussing this, I will renew in all the

same terms.

Hey,

look, look. I don't think it's safe for me to be out in the open like this.

Somebody in this town wants to kill me. Yeah, me.

Mike,

the tour we're on, the tour you run, it's gone bust. We have no

no hotel, no meals.

So this in no way affects our beach time.

At least our return air ticket's still good.

You know, I was just about to do the same thing.

Well,

what would they say? Our ticket's good?

Oh, yeah, they're still good. And any travel agent in Barcelona will exchange

them for a flight out today.

Oh, you bet. For $1 ,400.

Each for coach. $1 ,800 for first class.

Wow. It's going to be so tough flying coach after getting used to first class.

Come on, it was only a joke.

Don't you get it, Mike?

We are stranded in Europe.

We have a pair of tickets that's good only in Paris in six days. A city 500

miles away.

Actually, here, I believe they use kilometers.

What was I expecting from a guy who doesn't know the difference between

and hot dogs?

They sure do.

Franks are the ones with the little knots on the ends. By the way, you

eat those.

You were not the only victim here. I mean, this trip was supposed to be my

reward for selling more tickets than anybody else.

I mean, I even booked my own parents in the worst hotel in Paris.

You misled your own parents just to sell a tour?

Misled? Hey, my parents wanted a little romance in their tour. I'm sure they'll

find some. And I'm supposed to do the same thing for a girl interested in

culture. Oh, sure. You know, there was this one girl.

She only wanted to see graves and museums. I mean, if it had a pulse, she

interested.

weekend peak too early, Carol.

Ben, where's Grandma and Grandpa?

Upstairs giving Chrissy a bath.

Come back here!

Christina!

Benny,

while the water's warm, you want to hop in the tub? I'll do your back.

And Carol, as soon as I finish with Ben's bath, you and

I... are going to go through your makeup drawer and throw out the trash.

Well... Hello?

Hello? Could you speak up, please?

Si hablo un poco de espanol.

Si acepto la lluvia.

Look, ask for my sister Carol. She's a language geek like you.

some money so i need the number of mom and dad's hotel wait a minute carol

speaks english so do i carol hola so

how's europe mike i'm not there you know look carol i need the number of mom and

dad's hotel in paris all right it's an emergency i'm stranded and the tour

company's gone bust uh hold on mike i got another call no carol don't hello

carol this isn't cheap so i'm gonna make this quick we will not be staying in

The hotel in Paris is on our itinerary.

So, how's Europe? I'm not there, you know.

Europe. Please, oh please, tell me what a wonderful time you're having.

How is everybody?

How's everybody?

Well... Put these shoes on.

Christy's running through the house naked screaming.

Something has happened on this crummy tour.

I heard.

From who?

Mike, I have him on the other line. Oh, yeah? Well, the next time he sells

anything, you tell him that... Wait, is he calling collect?

Oh, he's standing there on hold right now soaking up my money?

And no doubt enjoying it.

Oh, well, then now what you tell him is you... I can't win this one.

Just give her the number of the hotel and let's go. Listen, the number of the

hotel is 4724 -5300.

And the name of the hotel is the... The Georges Seas. The Georges Seas. The

Georges Seas is the most expensive hotel in all of Paris.

Hello,

Dad, still there?

Hello?

Oh, Carol.

Mike, you still there?

Uh, yeah, just standing here soaking up Dad's money. Tell you the truth, I kind

of enjoy it.

All right, so why'd you call me?

years ago when it was a thrill just to go to the bathroom in this hotel.

It still is.

From the shop downstairs?

Wow.

Only 1 ,500 francs. What do you think? Honey, honey, it's gorgeous.

You didn't wince at the price.

Yeah, well, that's because I don't know the exchange rate today, and I'd like to

keep it that way for a while.

You're being so sweet about all the money we're spending.

Well, the important thing is that we're together.

And we're in Paris.

And it's our anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

When you were down buying that, I bought you something that I kind of wanted to

see on you tonight.

find out that her little boy is in trouble, heck, I can just hear her now.

Jason, it hurts. Yes, yes, sweetheart. It's appendicitis, but we're taking her

to the hospital. Everything's going to be fine. Oh, sweetheart, you should

Not that it isn't true.

Ah! Hey, you know, the least you could do is do your part. I don't like this.

Just look uncomfortable.

That's perfect.

We have ruined our romantic trip. Oh, come on.

anything. We're together and we're in Paris. Hey, voila.