Original subtitles

The Saturday Sports Spectacular continues with the National Junior

Cheerleader Quarterfinals, Blonde Division.

All right!

So don't touch that dial.

I ain't touching nothing.

What are you watching, Ben?

Oh, Chrissy, do you have to eat your breakfast in here?

Yes, she does.

What are you watching?

Cartoons, apparently.

Hey, Dad?

He's upstairs.

Hey, Dad!

Master, you! How else is he gonna hear me?

Hey, Dad, you want me to go to the gym with you? And I'm ready. I didn't shower

and everything.

He's in bed, Mike.

What is he doing asleep?

It's 9 .30.

I didn't say he was... sleeping.

Oh. Hello,

Saturdays. Hello, what Saturdays?

Eh, you know.

Mike, do you mind?

Mike, I haven't heard a word from him.

What are you guys talking about? Ben, go back to your cartoon.

They're not my cartoons.

If it was up to me, I'd be up to here on the blonde division.

Now, what are Mom and Dad doing upstairs?

You seriously don't know?

Come on, Ben.

Chrissy?

We've met.

We know what we're talking about.

Look, Ben, what do little hornballs your age think of every waking moment of

their lives?

Food.

Hey, she took my answer.

I think it's safe to let go of Chrissy's ears.

No, food.

I want to sit there.

That makes you want to puke, huh?

So stupid.

So he knows, too.

It sure won't be a year until I come back.

What are you after, Mike?

Come on, you actually think that I'm saying all this just to hit you up for a

few dollars?

How few?

Two hundred.

Peg and I want to go in on a beach house.

Where? Well, it kind of depends on how this goes.

You're nowhere near there.

Happens occasionally.

And you were coming up to her.

Oh, come on. Are you kidding?

I barely noticed she was attractive.

Oh, come on, Dad.

You're doing exactly what I do with women. Only not nearly as well.

I don't know what you're talking about, Mike. I was just being nice to her.

Mike!

Dad, you were flirting.

And you're a married man.

Since when did being married mean you couldn't talk to a woman?

Dad, I'm not saying that. All I'm saying is that for just $200...

My mom may never have to answer that question.

Mike, Mike.

You know, you have no idea, no clue what a worthwhile relationship is all about.

175. For your information, not only would your mother not mind if a young

and I shot the breeze, but it is my opinion, and this is my professional gut

instinct now, my guess is your mother would think it's kind of cute.

Cute? Yeah, cute.

Guess what happened? You see, when your mom sees me, you know, kind of...

Shooting the breeze? Shooting the breeze with another woman, it reminds her that

I belong to her and she has something of value.

115, this never happened.

to be entertaining Chrissy.

I am.

Ben, the commercial's over. You're missing a blonde pyramid.

It's okay. I'm taping it.

Is anything wrong?

No.

Did you want to talk about something?

Did you want to talk to me about something?

Ben, you have a problem. You look more lost and confused than usual.

Let's just say I'm stunned.

Nothing I can talk to you about. I need my space.

Well, okay. Well, whenever you want to talk about whatever's on your mind, I'm

available.

That's what I hear.

Ben, Ben, come here.

You know, honey, you can ask me anything.

I was once your age.

I was once a confused kid with bad skin, too.

My skin.

Oh, nothing, sweetheart. I just meant I'm human.

Human? She's human? Since when?

She's human.

Or dead.

They have needs.

They take their pants off one leg at a time.

Parents are people.

Ben, how dare you have our little sister watch a blonde pyramid?

I don't know why you weren't as nice to the towel guy as you were to the juice

bunny.

Okay, okay, all right, I admit.

Maybe I was a little nicer to the juice girl than I was to the towel guy. I

don't think your mother would mind that I'm a little nicer to people who are a

little nicer to me.

Enough said.

Oh, like Mom's dumb enough to buy that.

Mom's dumb enough to buy what?

Hi, Daddy!

Hiya, sweetheart.

Isn't that a bit too much makeup?

Don't change the subject.

Mom's dumb enough to buy one. I'm glad you're here, Maggie. I need you to help

me demonstrate something to the boy.

Okay. Seems that Mike here has the mistaken impression that you as a woman

be upset if I as a man were to speak to another woman.

Speak?

Pardon me?

Nothing, honey. Mike, come on. All we did was talk.

Oh, who?

Well, apparently she likes to talk with her hands. Who?

pat at my stomach and tap at my chest.

And grab at your butt.

Well,

who are you talking about?

Gretchen. Oh, Gretchen.

Who in the hell is Gretchen and where did she grab you again?

In the gym.

Because the mistaken impression that you as a woman would be upset if I as a

man... Jason, just tell me what you're trying to say.

Yeah, Dad, I'd kind of like to hear how you explain this babe, too.

Listen, let's not be chauvinistic here. A babe did not grab me, Mike.

A woman did.

What?

And I think we could have avoided all this ugliness.

That's not fair. Now, all I did was be nice to her. You know that. How nice?

Let me put it this way. I was basically the same to the towel guy.

Come on, Dad. The towel guy didn't pat you on the behind.

He could have. Nobody was stopping.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's very simple. I was judged as a man to a

woman. Not you, Jason.

Mike? Come on.

This babe, goose dad.

This is such an exaggeration.

It was totally innocent, and it all developed out of a conversation about my

body.

And I bet your dad went, well, hello there.

You know me too well.

You really don't mind, do you?

And we hope that someday you will have a mature relationship like your mom and I

do.

Well, I don't.

This is kind of sick.

I mean, if... Mom, if I had a husband and he was flirting around with other

women, I would be pretty upset.

So would we.

How can you think this is cute?

Pardon me? Well, yeah, Dad thinks that you think it's cute when he flirts with

other women because it makes you feel like a lucky dog.

Hey, Dad, why don't you give Mom a real hoot and take this babe out for a spin?

Boy, he's got a lot to learn, huh?

Maggie, dinner reservation's in ten minutes.

Carol, make sure Christy's in bed by eight.

Nine. 8 .15.

8 .45.

8 .30.

Done.

I'm getting too old for this.

Hey, Dad, am I still covered by your auto insurance?

Yeah. Good. What good? Why? No, no, no.

I didn't get in an accident.

Well, since I'm financially unable to afford a beach house, I'm going to be

doing a lot of driving this summer. Sorry, I add.

Reservations in eight minutes, Maggie.

So, you're all dressed up.

Yeah, taking your mother out for a little dinner this evening.

In your groveling suits?

I'm not groveling. This isn't groveling. No, I just carefully planned a

spontaneous evening.

Well, Mom must be pretty upset about your flirting, huh?

No, she isn't, and I didn't.

You know, women can be strange, that's all. I mean, who knows what's really the

matter. Maybe one of her dresses didn't fit this morning. Maybe it's the age

thing. Maybe she just feels her best years are behind her.

Maybe... Maybe it's my marriage.

Maybe... Mike, don't ever talk to me again.

I mean, ever. Ever.

An excellent choice of wine. Thank you, Marcus.

Enjoy.

Isn't it fun to spend money?

I may even order soup tonight.

Good idea, though. You and I being out alone, don't you think?

Just a spur of the moment kind of thing. A special occasion with no special

occasion.

I just wanted a chance to tell you how I truly feel about you. I'm happy.

And you're beautiful. Did I mention that?

Sixteen times.

Well, I deserve a seventeen. You are beautiful.

Well, thank you again.

Again.

So, what shall we start off with, my dear?

Well, everything looks so good.

Oh,

I think I'll have the goose liver pate.

Fine, okay. All right, all right. Let's just deal with it.

What? Goose, Maggie's head goose.

We know what you're aiming at here, Maggie. Come on.

Jason, what in the world are you talking about?

What am I talking about, Maggie?

Pate, the goose pate.

Let's see.

Stuffed chicken breast?

No.

See, oh, lobster with drawn butter. That's a possibility.

Very smooth.

What?

Maggie, come on. You've been on my back ever since Mike told you about the gym.

Jason, I haven't said a word.

Well, you don't say a word louder than any woman I know.

Jason. Maggie, you mean you just didn't use those words on purpose? Come on.

Goose. Breast.

Drawn butter.

Drawn butter? That's right. Butt.

If you got something to say, just say it, honey. Honey, it's okay. I

I am not upset.

You're not?

No.

Okay.

Too odd.

Just don't do your flirting around me.

Maggie, I wasn't flirting.

Then what would you call it? I don't know, but I didn't flirt.

Okay, honey, how would you like it if I didn't flirt like you didn't flirt?

I wouldn't mind at all. Oh, you wouldn't mind if I said to the waiter, nice

buns?

Why, thank you.

You're welcome.

Isn't walking around saying that kind of thing to women make it? Because I'm

not. Well, Jason, they're saying it to you.

Why, do you think it's easy walking around with a rear end like this?

With this jocularity, a good time will grow.

Fine. Fine. We won't have a serious conversation about your middle -aged

insecurity.

I'm not middle -aged.

Oh, you plan to live to be 86?

Not happily.

Maggie, come on. I've known men who flirt. I've seen men flirt. I've even

fella or two flirt with me, okay?

And I'm telling you, what I do is not flirting.

Fine. If you can live with that.

If I make eye contact with a woman and I intimate that maybe I would like to be

intimate and then she... There's some intimacy that... There's some...

Where was I? Oh, Jason. No, I was not flirting. See, that was

noticing, Maggie. I am a doctor. She was very healthy.

Jason, for me, can't you at least apologize?

Okay, I'm sorry. I am sorry.

And as soon as I figure out what I did wrong, I'll never do it again. Now,

see.

Let's dance.

But, Carol, if Mom and Dad are just people, then this changes everything.

There's a thought there, Ben.

Carol, you're not listening to me.

There's a thought there, Ben.

Carol!

Okay. Of course they're people, Ben. Look.

These may be giant discoveries for someone with a sloped forehead.

But they don't interest me. I had these thoughts when I was six.

You mean you knew Mom and Dad were human beings all along and you never told me?

Would you have believed me?

No.

So Dad's just like me?

Unfortunately.

So you've actually seen the magazines under his bed?

Chrissy up so we can do a happy dance that we're girls.

Good night, Ben.

Mom and I are a little tired, so we're just going to go up to bed.

You minded me doing the lumbata with a handsome young man?

Maggie, there was no dance floor.

And just to be picky about it, there was no music.

There wasn't?

And for your information, the lumbata is a forbidden dance.

This is the thanks I get, Maggie?

I have been true to you for every second of the 22 years we've been married,

Maggie. And I can say this to you. I've never had a serious thought. I can say

this. I have never had a serious thought about cheating on you.

Well, then let's deal with your frivolous thoughts.

I'm disappointed in you, Maggie.

Oh, you're disappointed in me?

Yeah. After all these years of you saying you don't mind if I exchange

pleasantries with a young woman, now I found out you were lying.

What else have you withheld on me, Maggie?

It wouldn't be too much trouble. Could we please deal first with your midlife

crisis before we deal with your insanity?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, just as long as we keep enough time open to deal with your outrageous

behavior at that expensive restaurant.

There were no bottoms grabbed except when the dance called for it.

Well, I didn't do anything of it. All right.

Oh, Maggie, come on, look at the subconscious facts here.

I talk to a woman your height, your hair color, your eye color, except a little

flecks of amber in hers. So what does that tell you?

It tells me that you were too stinking close to her.

No, baby, what it says is symbolically I'm really flirting with you.

Not only should you not be mad, you should be honored.

I should have listened to Oprah.

I mean, you can't count on a marriage even when it has lasted for 22 years and

four months.

Oprah didn't do a show on that.

Her point being that a woman shouldn't trust her marriage when it's built on

fragile psyche of the aging male.

Oh, yeah? Well, what does Phil Donahue say?

Oh, Jason, what's wrong with me?

What makes you think anything's wrong with you, Maggie?

Don't I excite you anymore?

Not anymore.

Not any less, either.

Oh, where does he come up with these?

Admit it, Jason.

You find a 20 -year -old woman with a fully conditioned body and beautiful

and eyes attractive.

Oh, Maggie, sweetheart, what do I need with a beautiful woman when I've got

I mean, you are so beautiful. You're just, you know, you're not young. You're

not old. I don't mean that. Oh, save it, Jason.

Don't you see what happened today was simply a reflection of your subconscious

need?

No, sweetheart, I don't. I'll tell you what I do see.

I see a woman going through a middle -aged crisis for no reason whatsoever.

You really don't think I have a reason? Honey, come on. You're gorgeous.

You're intelligent. You're better today than the day I met you.

Oh, Jesus.

So why are we arguing? I don't remember.

Good. Oh, yes, I do.

Honey, it's not your flirting. It's your attitude.

It's your unrelenting sureness that you have done nothing wrong. Are you sure?

Are you sure about that? Because I thought what I'm... Doesn't matter what

Jason, you just don't get it, do you?

Maggie, tell me what you want.

I want you to have some guilt.

Done.

And some awareness, too. You got it, Maggie.

Jason, sometimes you are so thick.

I mean, whether you flirted or not, right or wrong, think for a second.

If it might appear to me for one moment that you might have flirted, then how

would I feel?

So if you thought that nothing was something, even if nothing was nothing,

the fact that you think that nothing was something means I hurt you.

Peggy, I'm a slope -headed jerk.

I feel terrible.

It's great.

You think it's great I feel terrible?

Yes, I do.

How could I be so insensitive? I am the worst person.

Please forgive me.

I think it's okay.

How can it be okay?

Because I just found out that your midlife crisis is worse than my midlife

crisis.

You know, somewhere in the world, it is still Saturday morning.

Your parents don't mind us taking all this food?

Oh, no. Just as long as I don't touch their fiber.

Mom, meet Gretchen. Hi.

I feel like I already have.

Damn, they are Amber.

One star.

Well, hi.

Hi. Get out.

Okay, we'll see you later.

Nice to meet you, Mrs.

Fever.

You know what's funny?

Before you called me up for a date, I never had a clue your dad was married.

She could have asked.

Next week on Growing Pains, don't miss a one -hour Halloween special.

Join us for tricks, treats, and really scary stories at a special time, 8

Eastern and Pacific, 7 Central.

I'm talking about... Really scary story.

How?

Don't forget Halloween with the Seavers, 8 Eastern and Pacific, 7 Central.