Original subtitles

Maggie, if we don't leave now, we're going to miss the start of that movie.

I don't care. I'm just going to see Mel Gibson.

Remember, Mike, Chrissy's bedtime is... Right now.

Hey, you told me it was in an hour.

You guys go. We'll work it out.

Hey, when you get Chrissy to bed, look into cleaning up that kitchen, okay?

And we have a few light bulbs out on the front porch. Could use changing.

And remember that floor sander up in the attic... Dad,

come on. I'm just babysitting here.

Mike, you're being very well paid for the next four hours.

Well paid? Yeah, right. And in fever credit?

Well, if you don't do those chores, you're not going to get anything.

The light bulbs are changed.

then you just better get started on the kitchen.

I like it better when Carol babysits.

Hey, now, come on. We can't begrudge her her yearly date.

Yo. Hey, you babysitting?

Yeah. I was talking to Chrissy.

I like that.

Oh, you're laughing, huh?

Yeah. Well, Mom and Dad left some strict orders for you, okay? They want you to

get in there and clean up the kitchen, and then, um, you know that floor

up in the attic? Well, they want you to, uh, to, um... To what?

Hey, if I were you, pal, I'd stop asking questions and just get to it.

All right, I got the big kid doing the chores, and I got the little kid in bed.

I just wanted you to know I'm a step ahead of you.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

in the promised land of available babes. Night. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Eddie, what do you mean promised land of available babes? Oh, Michael, I have

been to the mountaintop and I have seen the other side.

It is a place filled with beautiful women, passionate women, hungry women.

Michael, it's a place where they treat men like red meat thrown into their

cages.

This isn't that place in New Jersey, is it? No, Mike. Come on, let's go.

No, I can't. I told you, Eddie, I'm babysitting. Ben's 14. He doesn't need a

sitter. No, no, no, no. Chrissy's here.

Another reason Ben will be fine.

I cannot go out with you until I find some other sucker to babysit.

I don't care how long it's been since my last date. I refuse to go out with a

guy who burps hello.

Can't you see the girl is hurting here?

I mean, come on, why can't she find a decent guy who would appreciate her for

the catch that she is?

Is that a fish joke?

No, I'm just saying that you're a decent, caring person with great family

values. That's true.

And you're loyal, too. I mean, you're the kind of girl who would just drop

everything just to babysit your little sister.

Oh, you bet I would.

See ya.

Who are these people?

Parents without mates.

I'm leaving.

Okay, Mike, fine. Leave more for me.

See, I don't know about you, but I'm just happy to find a place where I can

relax and be myself.

Edward! Oh, hi!

How was Europe?

Excellent!

Here's your piece of the wall.

from the parking lot. She's so happy.

Eddie, look, all I'm saying is that this is not my idea. Excuse me, is this 36C?

36C!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. Thanks.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, shall we begin?

Well, see you, Mike.

I think I may stay for a minute or two.

Oh, well, I see we have some newcomers this evening.

You want to tell us your name and how you became a single parent?

Well, you see, I... Oh, I didn't know. No, no, no, please. Ladies first.

This is all a little new to me, so if it's okay with everybody, I'd just like

listen for a while. That is more than okay.

Yes?

She didn't give her name.

I'm Rachel.

Hi, Rachel.

Great. I'm Mike.

Hello, Mike.

He said he loved kids, but when things started getting serious, he said...

Natalie, I'm gone.

Please. You're tearing me up.

I don't know. I just met him in the hall.

I see we're just about out of time, and I want to thank you all for coming this

evening. Good night.

Thanks. You're welcome.

I'm really glad I came tonight. Oh, whoa, whoa, me too.

Me too.

I'm Mike.

You've said that several times. Yeah, well, I just want to let you know it

hasn't changed.

Hey, so you feel like maybe going out and getting something to eat?

Me? Yeah, I mean, it's only 9 .30.

What about my babysitter?

Oh, okay, but I'd rather go out with you.

does this alley bring back memories for me?

Oh, well, back at McNary High, this is how me and my friends used to sneak in

and out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You went to McNary? I went to Dewey.

Ooh, I know. I know, I know.

Oh, this is going to sound dumb, but I feel like a carefree college kid

Oh, yeah, I could be reminded of that, too.

Oh, the last time I went dancing was Judith's third birthday.

And it was the Hokey Pokey.

Oh, yeah?

Who's Judith?

Oh, my daughter.

You have a daughter?

Oh, oh, oh, right.

That's right. I thought you said you had a son.

No, you have a son.

That's right, I do.

For a minute there, I forgot we both had kids.

And I want to thank you for reminding me.

Uh, what's your son's name?

Uh, it's Chrissy.

Uh, Chris E.

Seaver.

What does the E stand for?

Elvis.

Yeah, see, my ex -wife was a real big fan. In fact, she left me to go find

Just kidding.

I wish I could laugh about my ex that way.

Mike, I had a lovely time.

Oh, what do you mean, had? Come on, it's only 12 .30.

12 .30? Yeah, what's wrong? I told my sitter I'd be home by 11.

Just sneak in.

Hey, okay, Rachel, when can I see you again?

Um, are you going to the picnic tomorrow?

Oh, I've been planning on it for a week.

What picnic?

The Parents Without Mates picnic.

Oh, oh, right.

You know, you have a chance to meet my Judith, and I can't wait to meet your

Chris.

Neither can I.

And you didn't think Ben standing away a quarter inch of linoleum floor was a

little odd?

Carol, how could you...

Wait a minute. Who did you put in charge?

Mike. And who sanded the floor?

Ben. So how did this become my fault?

Yeah, you're the most dependable child we have. We rely on you. You rarely let

us down.

That's why it's so disappointing when something like this happens.

See you guys. Chris and I are going to go to the park.

Oh, great. He gets to go out and have fun, and I get to sit here and be yelled

at by you two, and I didn't even do anything.

Well, that just may be the problem, young lady.

How's that, Mike?

No, no, no, no, no. Here, here, take the wheel.

Okay. All right.

All right, now.

Who's your daddy?

You are, Dad.

There we go. Okay, I got it.

All right, very good. Now, are you a boy or a girl?

Today I'm a boy.

Very, very good. Now, I want you to forget about the today part.

I'm a boy. I'm a boy.

I'm a boy.

I hope I'm not doing serious damage here.

All right, okay.

There's only one more thing.

Now, your middle name is Elvis.

You mean the king?

Hey, you're right. All right, go on. Hey, come on. Hey, come on. Stop

Let's go, Chris. Chris, open up. Here we go. Here we go.

What? Make a broken nail.

Yeah, boys don't care about broken nails.

I don't either.

You know, if I ever get married again and have another child, I think I'd like

boy. I'm a boy.

That's rude.

Mike, let's play.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. I'm going to move us up for a little play. Come

Come on. Let's go.

All right.

All right. Look. Yesterday, you felt like a college kid. Today, you're going

feel like a four -year -old. And by our third date, you're going to be in

diapers. I can't wait. All right. You ready, guys?

Ready. Okay. Here we go.

a third date. Uh, I was wondering if maybe... Oh, no.

Uh, look, I can explain everything.

Daddy, daddy, daddy!

That's your son?

Yeah, he's big like his mother.

Mike?

You were saying?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing. Uh, you were saying?

Oh, well, no, I was just saying, you know, speaking of a third date, I was

wondering if you weren't busy tonight and you could get a sitter.

Oh, that wouldn't be a problem.

Well, how about coming to my house for dinner tonight?

Oh, so you cook, too?

No.

Hey, well, I would love to.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I'd love to.

I'm probably making a big mistake by telling you this, but I feel safe with

You do?

I haven't met anybody in a long time that I can trust.

What a great daddy.

He gave me $20 for the ice cream truck.

I want my change, young man, or you won't sit for a week. You got that, puss

bag?

I'm serious.

I mean, she says she trusts me. Michael.

Trust is the second most important thing a woman can give you, because without

it, you can't get the first!

Eddie, come on, man. She's been hurt before.

Not your fault.

Eddie, she's got a little girl.

All right, Mike, I see what you're getting at. You feel it was a mistake

to go to Parents Without Mates last night, and you're right.

Okay. You should have gone to Parents Without Brains.

Yeah.

Eddie, I... I saw your card upstairs. Here's your change from the ice cream

money.

37 cents? You wasted my 20 bucks on ice cream?

No, on my new CD.

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't give me that. I'm not made of money.

Oh, Dad, you should have thought of that before you brought me into this world.

Oh, yeah, no, no, no.

Stop, stop. Cut it out. Cut it out.

Hey, get out of here.

Yeah, fungus.

Hey, I'm talking to you two.

Oh, hey, fine.

I got some news that could cheer you up, but...

Guy, you're making me leave.

All right, no, all right.

Okay, okay.

You know my girlfriend, Natalie?

Yeah. Well, I just found out she's got a daughter my age.

I think we're talking letters to penthouse here.

Get out, get out, get out.

Tacky enough?

No comment.

Jason, wouldn't it be easier if we have this professionally installed?

Maggie, those guys get three, four hundred dollars.

What's that?

Um, my new CD.

Where'd you get the money to buy this?

Uh, money.

You don't have any money, Ben.

Did I say I bought it? I meant I stole it.

Hey, hey!

Yeah?

Where's that slime ball, Eddie?

Why? Was something the matter? After what Ben told me, Eddie did a lot.

Eddie did something? Oh, yeah.

He actually paid Ben to pretend to be his son so Eddie could get closer to

vulnerable, unsuspecting woman. Can you imagine that?

I can.

Did Ben say anything else? Isn't that enough?

Oh, if it is for me.

How's Ben supposed to learn to respect women when there's an example like that

around?

I'm just glad that he still looks up to you, Mike. I mean, you've really done

some harebrained things in your life, but you've never done anything as

as scummy as that.

Uh, well, don't you think you've been a little strong, Dad?

How else would you describe it, Mike, when somebody takes advantage of

at their weakest moment like that?

I never really thought of it like that.

Uh, and I'm sure Eddie probably never thought it through either.

That's nice of you, Mike.

Sticking up for your friend like that.

Tell you, I'm just glad that I don't have a son who would do something like

that.

Mike, you're early.

Hi.

Look, Rachel, there's some things that I've been thinking about, and there's

something that I really need to talk to you about, and I don't think it should

wait.

Paige, I can't find Judith's penguin.

Ah, this has to be him.

Yep. Mom,

this is Mike Seaver.

Mike, this is my mother, Betty. Hi, nice to meet you. My pleasure.

Excuse me, I'll just get Judith's penguin.

You don't look so goofy to me.

Oh, she told you about that, huh?

You remember Mike?

I remember. I've been talking about him all day.

We should go.

We're going to have such fun.

Say goodnight.

Bye, Mom. Bye -bye. Bye.

Bye, Mommy. Bye, Mike. You're up.

So, Mike, what was it that couldn't wait?

Uh, maybe it can wait.

Okay, I'll go get my appetizers.

No, it can't wait.

Okay.

Uh, get your appetizers.

Okay.

Can I get you something to drink?

Look, Rachel, I'm not who I said I was.

I've never been married.

Never been married?

No.

It's okay.

It is?

You don't have to explain anything.

All that matters is the love I see between you and your son.

Can I get you something to drink?

Wine? Soft drink?

Puffball?

Look, my son is a girl.

Pardon? Yes, Chris.

Chris, it's my little sister Chrissy.

And Eddie, that sleazy guy at the meeting who I said I didn't know?

The guy that works for the CIA?

Yeah, that's the one.

Look, he thought it would be a good idea if the two of us went down to the

parents without mates meeting to meet some girls.

So I went.

I'm not a father.

I guess I'm not much of anything.

Rachel, come on, say something.

You lied to me.

Look, I... No, I thought you were different.

Look, come on, Rachel. I mean, I know you must have been through a lot, and I

didn't mean to hurt you, honest. Well, nobody means to hurt anybody, but it

still happens, doesn't it?

Well, look, you know, the easiest thing in the world for me to have done tonight

would have been just not to show up here.

You know, but the only reason that I'm standing here acting like a complete

is because you mean something to me.

You mean a lot to me.

I mean, I really do care about you, Rachel, and...

I mean, can we just start over?

Please?

What do you say?

My name's Mike Beaver, and I'm not a father.

Thanks a lot, Dad, for nothing.

What's wrong, Mike?

You want to know what's wrong?

All right, I'll tell you what's wrong.

Eddie's mad at me.

He is?

Yeah.

Because I told him how angry you were.

And?

And... Well, he decided to go over to this girl's house in person and tell her

that he was lying to her and that he really didn't have children and ask for

forgiveness.

And it was really hard for him, Dad, because... I mean, he was about to walk

the door, but he didn't.

I mean, he really wanted to start over with this girl with a clean slate.

Because he really likes her.

What happened?

She kicked him out.

Oh.

Poor Eddie.

I mean, Dad, what else could he have done? I mean, it should have worked out

okay.

Well, you got to tell him, Mike. You know, sometimes there are things in the

adult world that just can't be fixed.

But don't let Eddie doubt.

For one minute, that he did the right thing.

Yeah.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, Mike.

Something else you can tell Eddie for me.

Yeah?

I'm very proud he's my son.

Done growing pains.

Some girl finds you vaguely attractive, and you're about to turn her down?

Well, look, let me put it this way.

Did Mr.

Haley say, I'll wait for the next comet?

You really told him not to buckle the peer pressure? To stand up to his

and do the right thing?

Yeah. And besides, if she's really desperate, the weenie might get lucky.