Original subtitles

Maggie, okay, all you have to do is sit here and act nonchalant.

Jason, where's Mike going to sit when we ream him?

Be right back.

And I don't ream, Maggie. I discuss.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!

Who's in trouble?

Chrissy, what makes you think someone's in trouble?

Daddy told me how happy he was I was a clean slate.

Still no sign of his car?

Mike's in trouble. Wait till I tell Daddy.

Honey, Mike's car makes such a horrible sound.

Can't we just listen for it inside like normal people?

Well, the last time he wanted to see him, remember what he did? He shut off

engine, slid into the driveway in neutral.

Jason, he knows.

He knows we're tense. I think he's too smart to try and duck us today.

Oh, too smart. Yes, then why would he leave this unopened college registration

form, which, as direct sunlight reveals, was due today.

Right out where anybody could find it, Maggie. In the dresser, under the socks,

tucked way in back.

Jason, we don't have to fool around with any of this. We just have to lay down

the law and tell him what to do.

Oh, where's my list?

List?

Yes, questions you must answer before dropping out. I'm not having this

discussion without my list.

Fine, go get your list. But after we go through it point by point, you know

we're going to end up doing things my way.

What was that, honey?

I was so worried you lost it.

No, no, not to worry. I've got it all on computer disk.

You want to practice?

You be Mike, I'll be me.

Who's going to be me? I'll be you, too.

So you get to be both of us and I only get to be Mike?

I want to be Michelle Pfeiffer.

I can live with that.

Oh? Hey, come on, honey. Come on. We need a little practice, maybe. A little

role -playing would be good for us. Our boy's very tricky.

Yeah. All right, Mike.

Listen, have you really given thought to how difficult an acting career can be?

Don't you think it wise to have a marketable skill you can fall back on?

Do you really want to drift through your 20s the way you did your teens?

The front door.

What about it? It's unprotected.

That was close.

Back to the driveway.

Jason, you shouldn't be enjoying it so much. I'm not, Maggie.

Showtime!

That was good.

out we're waiting on kitchen chairs in the driveway and try to use the front

door.

What did Mike do?

Well, Chrissy, it's not just one thing. I mean, the way Mom and Dad see it,

Mike's always been... A constant disappointment.

I hear things.

Mike, get out, Mom and... Oh, it's only you.

Only me?

Mom and Dad are looking for Mike. This could be the big one.

brought to justice would perk me up.

I'll be in my room with my library books. Call me if it's the big one, but

if it's the big one.

As I may have mentioned, my first week at Columbia University was not only

exhausting, but much more work than you ever expected.

You mentioned it. A lot.

Benjamin? Christine?

Mike, Mike, Mike, I gotta warn you.

Benjamin, Benjamin, Benjamin, Christine.

Listen, calm down. If you're talking about the fact that our parents are a

little anxious to see me, I'm well aware of it, all right? Aware of it? Mike,

did you know Dad found your unopened college registration form?

Yeah. Oh.

Did you know they're waiting for you at the front door?

They got tired of the kids in chairs, huh?

What I don't get is how come we didn't hear his car?

I bet he turned off the engine.

slid into the driveway in neutral.

He may try parking way down at the end of the block.

Is that his car behind the Chevy?

No, I think that... Mike?

Hey, how you guys doing? Not well.

Listen, if you've got some time, there's some things I'd like to discuss.

We don't have any time to discuss anything because we have many things to

discuss. Honey, I'll... Listen, can I go first, please?

Absolutely not. Look, guys, I want to talk to you about my college career,

Now, I know, guys, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this, and it may

sound kind of silly to you, but I even sat down and made a list.

Well, let's find it.

It's just going to have to wait, Mike, because... A list?

Well, well, well.

No, that doesn't sound silly at all.

Precise. Jason.

Relax, sweetheart.

We walk with logic.

Now, I realize that I'm not a kid anymore.

Okay, and although I do have my dreams, I'm starting to see that there is a real

world out there.

Okay, and it's time that I make a choice.

Mike, that's actually... We haven't heard his choice yet.

You don't mind if I refer to my lips?

Mine's longer.

Now, these are some questions that I've asked myself about staying in school.

Okay? Number one.

Have I really thought about how tough a career in acting is?

Mm -hmm.

And number two.

Shouldn't I have a marketable skill to fall back on?

That was my number four.

And number three, do I really want to just drift through my 20s the way I did

through my teens?

Drifting, bingo.

And number four, how can I truly feel like an adult unless I am on the road to

self -sufficiency?

Couldn't have that one.

Now listen, I got 49 more questions like this.

49? I only had 40.

But guys, what it all comes down to is, I think I should stay in school this

next year.

Nothing doing, young man. But Maggie, well, hold on a second. He just said

staying in school.

And you believe him?

Believe him? Maggie's got a list of everything.

Jason, what about this registration that he didn't fill out that was due in

today?

Yeah. Well, that's because of the little list item number two.

So you're number two or my number two? Mine. You know, again, about having a

marketable skill.

And, Mom, I want to go to school here.

Philip Boynton State Teachers College?

Exactly. You guys remember last year when I did that emergency substitute

teaching? I mean, I was so good because not a single one of those kids could get

anything past me.

I remember.

Yeah. Now, I know it would mean a little bit more time in college, but...

Well, I really want to go to Boynton and work towards a teaching certificate.

Wow.

My boy at Boynton.

Yeah. I mean, Dad, it would kind of be like one of those bad guys who starts

working for the law.

It's signed in ink and everything.

Yeah, now, I mean, it would mean at least another year of me living over the

garage and maybe another year of me stealing food out of the refrigerator.

We don't mind.

Just don't touch your mother's low -sodium salami.

Mike, you're serious.

Yeah, Mom, I am.

But what about your dream of being an actor?

Well, I figure if I'm any good, it can wait till after I've graduated.

Next, number 83.

Yo, number 83.

My friends call me 80.

I'm sure they do.

Michael Siever.

Well, Mr. Thiever, would you like to tell us a little about your most recent

acting experience?

Uh, well, just yesterday I convinced my parents that I'd given up acting.

Do you have any idea how long my commute home was tonight?

Don't know, don't care.

Well, I'll tell you anyway.

Not now, Christy. I had a really rough day at school.

Well, you should have been at my preschool. It took two janitors, three

of sawdust, and Mrs. Orville still slid across the floor.

I'm really tired later, okay?

Mike's right.

She is no fun.

One hour, 47 minutes, 55 seconds, door to door.

Which one ran into your face?

Ben, if by some miracle you someday get into college, I'll say a circus

scholarship.

Heed my warning. This is more work, harder work, than I have ever done in my

entire life.

But do you know what's been the toughest thing about this whole week?

Nobody in this family seems to give a darn.

Are you still here?

and everybody around here acts like it's expected.

But all Mike has to do is just jump into this house and say, great news,

everybody, and everyone in this house stops whatever they're doing.

Great news, everybody.

What is it, Mike?

Hey, we're always ready for some great news.

If you'll excuse me, Chrissy had an interesting vomit story.

So, what's your news, Mike? Okay, you guys ready for this? I, your eldest and

your favorite, today just got an actual part on an actual off -Broadway play.

A real job. And the pay is, get this, $250 a week.

All right, you'll be rich and big.

This is wonderful. You won't have to give up your dream?

No.

Rehearsals won't conflict with class? No, no conflict whatsoever.

Hey, when do you rehearse? Five days a week, eight hours a day.

So what happened to your state teacher's college?

I'm not going.

Complication and everything.

Oh, well, I still got it.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Exactly what's going on, Mike? Oh, oh, oh, yes,

look. Look, there's a perfectly good explanation for why I didn't follow

with what I told you guys yesterday. And that is?

I lied.

Whoa.

So you never had any intention of going to Boynton?

You got it.

Man, wouldn't you guys have been upset if I had told you that yesterday?

So this whole story is bogus? Totally.

Man, you guys should see the looks on your faces.

So you looked me right in the eyes and you lied?

No, no, not once. If you may recall, did I ever look you in the eyes?

I'm so betrayed.

Betrayed? Dad, I got a part.

and he's carrying a door.

Jason, I have been worried sick about you.

Why? Well, you've been wandering around town for three hours carrying a door.

What, I'm supposed to leave it somewhere?

Honey, where are you going?

To apologize to Mike.

Well, I shouldn't have lost my temper, Maggie. If ever there was a time for

reason, that was it.

Jason, you are not going to apologize to anyone.

This is the time to get tough.

This is the time to forget reasoning. Remember, we're the parents.

We're in charge.

Let's just tell him that if he doesn't go to school, the freebies stop.

You're right.

I'm going to bed.

Good.

Honey, the bedroom's this way.

You're going to get a bite to eat.

Yep. Dad.

Uh, what do you want?

The door's locked.

Uh -huh.

Come on, Mike, open up.

Uh, you're not mad anymore?

No, in fact, I feel real bad about it, and I want to apologize.

Okay, go ahead.

I like to do it face to face, Mike.

open this door, I'll rip it off.

Look. Dad, you know, I've been going through the Boynton catalog here, and,

know, if I pick up some weekend courses, I can probably get my teaching degree

in about 12 years.

Mike, you don't have to put on any act with me, okay? I just, I wanted to

the conversation that we should have finished earlier before I lost my

I just want to get to the heart of this, to meet the very marrow of the matter.

You're going to hit me, aren't you?

Where's that list you had yesterday? I want to go over some of your reasons for

why you should stay in school.

Uh, I lost it.

It's right here.

This is the Xerox of my list.

Mike, you rooted through your mother's underwear drawer.

Yeah, well, you've been in my sock drawer.

Well, it's hardly the same thing.

I'll tell that to Ben.

Can we just...

Stick to the reason I came in here. Okay, all right.

All right, you were going to come and apologize.

Mike, what you did, you lied to me.

Apology accepted.

Good night.

Mike, you've got to understand something.

I am not trying to make you suffer.

Well, David, you've got to understand something. I've got some things that I

want to do.

Okay, answer me this, Mike.

Do you really think it's a good idea to go off and pursue your acting bug

without a college degree? Is that practical?

No, it isn't. Okay, we're getting somewhere. I don't need to be practical,

I've got talent.

Okay? And besides, it is not a bug.

I mean, that's part of the problem I think we have here. I mean, when I'm

interested in doing something, it's a bug.

And when Carol's interested, you call it an aspiration.

You leave your sister's aspiration out of this.

No, I'm just trying to be reasonable, Mike. No, you're not, Dad.

You're just trying to talk me into doing what you want me to do because you want

me to do it.

But, Dad, I am 20 years old, okay?

I am old enough to vote, to die for my country, and, if I so desire, to have a

beer in Puerto Rico.

Oh, I can see how serious you are about this acting thing.

Oh, oh, first it's a bug, now it's a thing?

Come on, Dad, why don't you just call it what it is?

Okay, Mike, you know what it is? It's a sickness, Mike. I mean, it's one job you

got for 250 bucks. What is it, for a week, a month, a year? Who knows? And

what? You come running, you're high.

We're far too emotional here.

How is a guy supposed to respond when his dad squishes his dream like a bug?

Oh, so he admits it's a bug.

You know, it's probably a bad idea to discuss this right now. Let's just wait,

and we'll do it in the morning, okay?

We can talk about it in the morning, Dad, but things are not going to change.

Oh, Mike, you know, you're making this real tough on me. Dad, look, it's no

picnic for me either, okay? I've got a rehearsal tomorrow at 9.

Well, maybe you just won't go to that rehearsal, Mike. I mean, maybe there's a

middle ground for us, okay? I mean, we've been through a lot of stuff

Why can't we just find a compromise?

Well, I would sure like to. Okay, all right. What sounds fair to you?

Okay.

I think that I should quit school and take the acting job.

How's that a compromise?

You can still yell at me.

I'll tell you what a compromise is. A compromise is you go to school and you

your plays on the weekend.

Dad, plays don't work that way. Well, they can for a couple years. Look, Dad,

there is going to be no compromise, okay? I am going to do what I want to

and you are just going to have to live with that.

You want that same rent? You want the fever meal plan? Then you gotta study

something. You gotta be a student. Study something anywhere. I don't care.

Here in California, now they got a school for game show hosts.

What? Alex Trebek Tech?

I'm serious.

So you're saying if I don't do what you say, you're making me move out? No,

Mike, you're choosing to move out.

But why?

I don't know. You tell me. I like you living here.

Well, me? too dad so what are we fighting about we're not fighting

i want your decision in the morning

I've got doors to hang.

Doors? Plural?

You talked to Mike after you said you wouldn't?

I happened to run into him last night.

Was this about the time you were rattling dishes in the kitchen?

Later.

And? And what?

And he owns the house and you're his handyman?

under two hours if anybody cares.

Have a good day, sweetheart.

Ditto.

Mom, may I borrow your mace? I used all mine up yesterday.

Sure, honey. Jason, what happened?

Well, we just had a little talk and I think I got through to him. You do?

Really? Mm -hmm. Really.

Maybe it's a good thing you did talk to him. If I had gone up there, I probably

would have lost my temper and given him some stupid ultimatum.

I'm going to go get the newspaper.

Hey, Mike.

Can I hang that door for you?

Mike?

Everybody's talking at me.

I don't hear a word they're saying.

Only the echoes of my mind.

People stop and tell.

I can see their faces.

Only the shadows of them.

Keep shining through the pouring rain.

What are we going to do about Mike?

We can't just let him live here and be a bum.

I don't know what to do. Our only hope is that he comes to his senses.

That we have no hope.

Kate, I did it. I moved to New York, and I'm starring in a play.

Broadway? Off -Broadway. How far off?

There's a nursing home on the second floor.

It doesn't matter. The point is, here I am, and here you are, and, heck, you

seen anyone?

No. Well, me neither. Want to live together?