Original subtitles

Oh, sweetheart.

You know, I was just thinking, with Carol working late and Chrissy asleep,

out doing God knows what.

You and I have this whole house to ourselves.

Jason, it's not even dark out.

I know.

I can't wait.

This is my favorite re -run of Tag Me and Lacey.

Spread them, clown!

Never mind.

Sounds like your son's in trouble again.

Yeah, let's get him in here and make him watch Cagney and Lacey.

What the heck's going on out here? Why is there sand all over the driveway? And

it's 40 degrees out. What are you girls doing in bathing suits?

Because we were stupid enough to believe that Ben was a serious filmmaker, like

Sylvester Stallone.

Ben,

what do you have to say for yourself?

Yo.

Let's go, ladies.

Talk now.

Well, see, I was just finishing my movie for English class when Laurel and got

the crazy idea that I was just doing the movie so I could, um... So you could

grope me.

If you're gonna leave, leave!

Women can be so nuts. Wrong parent, Ben.

Women can be so nuts. Wrong driveway, Ben.

I thought you were going to do a documentary about me, a working mother

to balance career and home.

Face it, Mom, no one's interested in that.

So you cast up something worthwhile like that to do girls in bathing suits?

Jason, can you believe this? Your mother's got a point, Ben. There's

wrong with doing a boring movie.

The stuff on that tape, I haven't edited out yet. Yeah, I just bet there is.

Well, what are you guys watching?

Ben's movie for English class.

What? Ben, you said you'd tell me when that was done so I could see how it came

out. So you knew? You knew he wasn't making the documentary about Me Too?

Well, I was there when Dad talked him out of it.

Popcorn!

Jason, we are about to start the tape.

Ben, it's rated R! Come on, you admit it's dirty.

No, I don't. It's just no kid wants to watch a movie anymore if it's not rated

R. Oh, I bet your movie's rated R. I'm watching it.

Well, Maggie, speaking as your husband, Jason, it sure has been a great Florida

vacation, considering it's 1978 and we're a typical American family.

And me being a working mom trying to balance a career and home.

Those parents supposed to be us?

Well... Seems like it would have been simpler to just write your movie parents

like your real parents.

They're kidding, right?

Either you get it or you don't.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Jason, everything is so perfect.

The sunshine, the good times, the oranges.

How could possibly go wrong?

Hey, Maggie, look. Baby alligators for 50 cents each.

Alligator little, uh, little, uh, what's his name?

Jason, that is our son. you are talking about?

You'll have to give me a little bit more of a hint of that.

Hey, stop all the hammering. We're trying to make a movie here.

But Baby Alligator is so cute.

Oh, yeah, and the best part, Maggie, is I got a ten -cent discount because he

only has one eye.

The parts in the stew. Keep your shirt on.

Yes, please.

Happy now?

Well, honey, tell your husband, Jason, it sure is a beautiful day for 1990, as

it's being a typical American family.

Jason, honey, wasn't it worth trying to make a beautiful day for... 1990,

considering we're a typical American family.

Jason, I thought you were going to make breakfast today.

I mean, after all, I am a working mother trying to balance a career and home.

I need one of you guys to sign my report card.

Oh, well, shouldn't it be one of your parents?

You've got to go to my parents.

Oh, right.

Jim. Yes, Jim, Jim.

My, Jim, haven't you grown over the last 12 years?

since we bought that alligator and flushed him down the toilet and haven't

thought of since.

Don't you think that we should check his report card before we sign it?

Why, dear, little Tim has turned out just fine.

Jim! Jim!

We named you. We can change it.

Yes.

Well, son, to show you that I have no hard feelings about these selfish

outbursts, I'm going to reward you for all these fine C's.

Here's a coupon for, uh... For six cents off of a tidy flush, which you can use

to clean the toilet bowl where we flushed your alligator 12 years ago and

haven't thought of it.

Sorry. I didn't do it.

Shut up. We'll shoot this thing.

Sorry I'm late, Ms. Merkin. Here's my report card.

Card.

You new here?

I'm Jim Jenkins.

Well, how long have you been in my class?

Eight years. Eight years? How come I've never seen you before?

You have seen me. Every day when we have this conversation.

Oh. Well, then stop being so bland.

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh, this is getting old.

My parents don't know me. My teacher doesn't know me.

You can't sit there. My best friend Jim Jenkins usually sits there.

I am Jim Jenkins.

Sorry, Jim. You're just so darn forgettable.

Well, don't forget who you are, skunky.

That's because I smell.

Ooh, here comes Bambi, the hottest, most beautiful girl in school. She's got the

body of a 5 '8'' beauty on a 4 '8'' frame.

You're not going to use that, are you? Not only is she beautiful, she's smart.

She's today's woman with the right combination of savvy style and

and the giddiness that makes me dizzy.

Who are you?

I'm Jim Jenkins.

I've been going to school with you for eight years.

I knew you before you had breasts.

Who had breasts?

Shut up, Stinky. That's her line.

I'm not going to say that, Ben.

Hey, a breast is a part of a chicken. The most popular part, I believe.

Benny, you're not helping yourself here.

I have a wardrobe question.

Why am I wearing a bathing suit in class?

Because you're going to the beach later.

But would my character know that yet?

Laura, Laura, Laura.

See, this girl Bambi isn't like you at all. She's just a dumb bimbo.

But you said she was a savvy, stylish, sophisticated woman.

I didn't say that. Jim said that.

See, he was just lying. He'd do anything to get a chance to grope her.

Is that fleas?

Hey, he disgusts me, too.

But I'll do my best to play him.

Yeah.

Okay.

Everyone forgetting my name.

I hate school.

I think I'm going to drop out.

Don't be a fool. Stay in school.

Dropouts just take their future and flush it down the toilet.

Much like that one -eyed alligator.

Oh, great.

Don't be a fool. Stay in school.

Dropouts just take their future and drop it.

Don't be a fool. Stay in school.

Dropouts just take their future and flush it down the toilet.

Much like that one -eyed alligator your parents bought for you 12 years ago and

never thought of since.

God, Stinky, I'm glad we had this little talk. I'm going to stay in school.

Speaking of dizzy, want to think about blondes first or redheads?

I don't care who we think about. I have to get my mind off a beautiful Bambi.

Just stick to the script.

I'm sure someday, Jim, you'll do something to make her notice you.

big. Something great.

Till then, you can dream.

I can go to the camp.

At least open the window a crack in there, Jim.

Skunky?

Skunky, you okay in there?

Skunky?

Skunky!

Skunky, what happened? You're just ahead.

An alligator came out of the toilet and ate me.

Why didn't you run?

I didn't see him coming. I don't have eyes in the back of my head.

Come to think of it, I don't have anything in the back of my head.

Jim, I only have time to give you this one warning.

All the alligators that were flushed down the toilets by American parents who

haven't thought of them since have come home to Ruth.

Well,

as your husband, Maggie, I sure am glad that we have a typical American family

with two cars, a beautiful home, and a child of some sort.

And a big green dog.

Come on, Dad.

Skunky Mulligan just got eaten by a gator that climbed out of our toilet.

for your lives!

Well, if you were our... I'm sorry, young man, but our son isn't here to

with you.

I am your Skunky Mulligan just got eaten by a gator that came out of our toilet.

I'm sorry, young man, but our son isn't here to play with you.

I am your son, Jim.

Well, if you were my son, you would know my name isn't Jim. It's Jason.

This is our son, Jason.

We don't have a son, Jason. That's my name.

When you two are trying to figure out who you are, an alligator could come

through the living room.

Well, if it did, our big green dog would get him.

My parents wouldn't believe me. And no one else knows

who I am.

Who can I tell about this?

Operator, give me the number for 911.

Oh, yeah.

This is President Bush.

That's who you get when you dial 911.

Well, I got tired of giving out the time. By the way, it's 1 .15 in 30

Look, Mr.

President, a grave danger threatens the whole planet. There are alligators

everywhere.

This is Vice President Quayle again, isn't it?

No, this is Jim Jenkins, and I'm serious, okay?

Look, I...

You've got to help call the Army.

You've got to call the Army, the Navy, even the Air Force.

Now, as your president, let me assure you that you have nothing to worry

Jason, we have to go to the bathroom.

I don't.

Yes, you do.

Well, look before you sit.

Man, for people who want to see my movie, they're sure taking a long time

bathroom. Benny, they're not in the bathroom.

But they said they had to... Trust me.

It's their own parents' trick. They're talking about you.

You think?

They have a lot to talk about, Ben.

You're one thick little...

Okay, Maggie, you were right about Ben.

His hornballosity has gotten out of hand.

You're wrong, Jason.

I agreed with you, Maggie. How can I be wrong? I was wrong.

Then I'm not wrong. Of course you are. Haven't you been listening?

Jason, would Ben spend all this time, money, and effort with a cast of

just to make out with Laura Lynn?

Heck, I would.

Not Laura Lynn. I mean, if I were a young boy and you were a young girl.

Not that you're not a young girl, Maggie.

Jason, think about it. A kid nobody listens to. People, his parents ignoring

him. So he's got to save the world on his own.

Honey, this movie is a cry for help. It's a cry for something.

I stood on that ledge for an hour, thinking if I couldn't save the world,

least I could populate a new one with Bambi.

Luckily, I had a plane.

Well, well, the engine looks okay.

Now, I'll just get into the cockpit and... Dad, you...

Okay, let's see what this baby can do.

Where could she be?

Where could she be?

as fine as ever.

Five foot eight inch beauty on a four foot eight inch frame.

That's more like a four inch frame to me.

And there they are.

I could look for a safe place to land, but then I'd be too late.

Or risk everything they've been.

It was a close call.

Hey,

everybody run for your lives!

Who are you?

I'm Jim Jenkins.

I've been going to school with you before you had breasts.

Oh, yeah, you're the bad boy whose parents flushed the alligator down the

and haven't thought of it since.

Yeah, well, they're back, and they're bad.

I'll protect you.

If you save my life, I'll show you my appreciation.

Yeah, Bambi.

You feel like catching a little shut -eye, too?

Jim! You know my name?

Nobody on Earth knows who I am, and you do?

I was your gator, Jim.

Remember me?

Flush.

You'd be surprised what you pick up in the sewers, Jim.

What are you doing killing people?

We never meant to kill anyone.

We just want what everybody wants.

Enough to eat. A decent neighborhood to raise our kids in.

And I want this guy here to get an A on this film project.

Well, why don't you just swim for the open water? Where the ocean's clean and

there's plenty of fish.

What a great idea.

And as for me getting an A, it's all in Mr. Bloomberg's hands.

Well, he's a great guy, and he won't let me down.

Come on, guys.

Jim, you're my hero. How can I ever thank you?

Well,

your mother's got a point, Ben. There's nothing wrong with doing a boring movie.

That's enough, Ben. I think this is where we came in.

Hey, it's a well -known fact that cameras can lie.

Yeah, so can 13 -year -old boys.

We're going to have a little talk about respecting women.

Jason, please.

Ben, I know what you were trying to do.

You do?

Yes. You were feeling ignored and insignificant.

I was?

And why shouldn't you? You're not the oldest, you're not the youngest, and

you're certainly not the smartest. Mom, you're depressing me.

I'm just saying, honey, I know that you made this movie to be noticed.

I did?

Well, it's either that or you're one thick little puppy.

That's how I vote.

What? Ben, I think you made this movie just so you could kiss your girlfriend.

Okay, you got me.

What, so this wasn't a cry for help?

In a way. I don't understand males.

Well, you're not going to learn anything watching Cagney and Lacey.

And I don't understand women.

Cagney and Lacey can't help you there either.

Jason, you're not saying that you're actually proud of your son's behavior.

No, I'm not, Maggie. I want Ben to learn to respect women. As human beings, not

as sex objects.

Cutie.

Can I at least finish my movie? There's another scene?

Yeah, it's the big scene.

The big finish.

And I was going to ask you and Dad to be in it.

Yeah, right, Ben.

And I'm the President of the United States.

Here's your Medal of Honor, Jim.

For bravery above and beyond the call of duty.

Thank you very much, Mr. President. May I say something, young man?

Well, see, Miss Bush, you don't actually have any lines here. Oh, fine.

But you see, any time an upstanding American boy tries to kiss an American

under false pretenses, it's wrong. Got it?

Yes, Mom.

And you'll find that young American women are far too clever to fall for

silly ploys.

Ben, you're shooting a scene without me?

What are you doing here?

Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. President.

Your movie was kind of a video love letter to me.

The savvy, stylish, sophisticated woman whose giddiness makes you dizzy.

You didn't want to grope me at all.

Finally, we understand each other.

I'm ready to go back to work now.

Well, what are we wasting our time on this deadbeat scene for? Let's go back

the beach.

Ben, what about your movie?

It's over.

Barbara, it looks like you and me have the White House all to ourselves.

Oh, George.

Could you kiss again? I missed it.

We'll be back in a moment.