Original subtitles

Oh, cartoons.

Ben, you're watching cartoons at your age?

What's wrong with that? What's wrong, Ben, is that with cable, we have got the

all -women's wrestling channel.

Oh,

hey, the roadrunner, my favorite.

Maybe you didn't take your wallet with you.

Maggie, I know I had it with me. I could feel my bulge when I was talking to

that woman in cosmetics.

I'm telling you, somebody lifted my wallet.

Didn't they cut the chain that you had hooked to it?

I did that once, one time, water skiing, and you won't let me forget it.

Three, one, two, three. Think how happy he will be.

Okay, girls, 50 more.

50? Since you whined, 60.

No man is worth power squats.

Carol, you haven't seen your father's wallet, have you? No, did you fix, Mike?

That's a thought.

Carol. Yeah? No man is worth power squats.

Jumping jacks?

Maybe.

And one, and two, and three, and four, and five...

All right, well, then how come in your TV commercials the claims adjuster is

there writing a check before the dust even settles?

What are you laughing at?

Look, pal, I'm telling you, my daughter just came crashing through the ceiling.

She could have been hurt.

No, she's not a large girl.

Hello?

Jason, don't expect service when you buy insurance out of a machine.

I bought that policy from a guy in a van.

He had business cards and everything.

Okay, folks, I checked the whole house.

Well, what exactly did you find, Mr. Cummins? Call me Lloyd.

Okay, Lloyd. I told her to call me Lloyd, not you.

Okay, Mr.

Cummins, you called me Barry.

Barry, Larry, whoever the hell you are, why have we got a hole in the ceiling?

Termites. I told you it wasn't me.

Carol, please get away from the hole. The whole thing could come down.

Oh, nice, Dad. Thanks.

If you need an exterminator, I have... somebody I can recommend.

But this is you.

By God, it is. How can I help you?

I thought you were a handyman.

I've obviously never worked for you before.

So how many termites?

Well, I hope a lot. Because if it's one, we'd better all run for our lives.

Just for the record, I'm four pounds lighter than I should be for my height.

thinks you're chunky.

It's right here in black and white.

I'll read it later.

I could have the place tinted today, sprayed tomorrow, and you could be back

here by Monday.

What's all this going to cost me? Well, it's hard to say, but it is the weekend.

All right, thank you. We'll call you.

Yeah, that's a wild... choice.

You just check on a cheaper price while the termites floss.

Jess, why don't we just let him get started?

Maggie, I am a professional judge of human character. And I'm telling you,

guy can't be trusted. There's something about him that's crooked.

Excuse me.

I found this wallet on the porch.

Belong to you?

Well, what do you know?

Jason, your wallet wasn't stolen. Oh, and not only that, your credit cards are

here and all your money.

You were saying, sweetheart?

So, how soon could you start?

Poncho.

Carol, what could possibly be so essential and so heavy that you couldn't

without it for two days?

Her pimple plaster.

Well, um, Dr.

Seaver, we called ahead for a reservation.

Oh, yes, and you needed three additional cots with that room.

Cots?

Well, I don't think it's right for the kids to sleep on the floor.

Oh, you're a naughty man.

Pardon me? You're trying to use a stolen credit card.

Oh, no, no. I see that. You thought they were stolen, so you reported them, then

found them later and forgot to call back.

That's it? And women receive equal pay for equal work.

Wait, wait. Don't do that. What are you doing there?

Because that's how we treat scum buckets like you, sir.

I want to talk to your manager.

You can do that after you put the room on my card.

Maggie, don't look at me like that. I did what I had to. I had to call and

cancel the card. Some goofball could be on a wild spending spree. On a card with

a $100 limit?

$250.

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh what?

When we lie down with pigs, we come up smelling like garbage.

Same account number.

I am not a crook. And where have we heard that before?

Listen, the credit cards were not stolen. This has all been a mistake. My

will vouch for me. I don't know this man.

Listen, Miss Tanya, our house is being fumigated and we have no place to

stay. Can't you just accept our personal check?

Oh, certainly.

With a valid credit card.

Well, my husband is a well -known psychiatrist.

Sure, Jason.

Um, the session's over for today. That'll be $100.

Trust me, this is gonna work out fine. Well, I still think it's wrong to barge

in on your mom and Wally like this. Maggie, they have a huge apartment,

their family.

What's my mom gonna say?

Sorry, son, it's a bad time?

Sorry, son, but it's a bad time.

You always said I'd have a home under your roof. Maybe, but it's our roof now.

It's just with all these people. Irma, you mean you're having a party and you

didn't invite us?

Well, this is a different kind of party.

Yes, it isn't anyone you know. It isn't even anybody we know.

You're entertaining people you don't even know?

Don't pay any attention to Wally. Yes, we do know them.

How?

Through the newsletter.

Mm -hmm.

I knew it. I knew as soon as you married that bum, he'd drag you down to his

level. Doing God knows what with total strangers.

You're not against the Jerry Vale fan club.

Hey, it's really him.

Why don't you see if Jerry needs anything?

You got it.

Where are we supposed to go till Monday? We have no credit cards, no cash.

I feel really bad about this. Mom, look, if we can't stay here, maybe you could,

you know, help me out with a little... Would you kids wait in the hall, please?

Why? Ben, don't you have any sensitivity?

He doesn't want to hear him begging his mommy for money.

Jason, I'd be very happy to lend you some money. Thank you, Irma.

Just talk to Wally. He handles all of that for us.

Just talk to Wally? Come on, Mom. Can't you do it?

Oh, Jason, grow up.

You still here?

Look, I'm sorry about the bum thing, you know. Well, if I weren't married to

your mother, I'd have thrown you out that window.

You're going to find the irony of this pretty amusing.

We'll see.

Well, you know, with the whole thing with the credit cards kaput and

well, you could really help me out if you could, you know, you know what I'm

saying. I'd be happy to introduce you to Jerry. No, no, no, no. It is,

too. It's Jerry Vail.

No, that's not it. This is... It's financial, Wally. You know, you follow?

Yeah, but I want you to say it. Oh, come on, Wally. This isn't easy for me. Now,

Jason, if you want to borrow money, all you have to do is ask me.

Forget it.

Hey, what did he say?

He said no.

Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing that you needed some money.

That's tough, pal.

Mike, this is a wonderful meal.

Oh, thanks. You know, it's always risky when you're cooking kielbasa.

You know, I handled the main course, and you were going to handle dessert,

right?

Right.

You know, Kate, all this kissing's great, but I really had my heart set on

moon pie.

Mike!

Mike!

Um, look, if we're really quiet, he'll go away.

You can be as quiet as you want, we're not going to...

You've got six.

Come on, come on. You guys are kidding, right? You're not going to stay here.

You're kidding, right? Did my nostrils flare like this when I'm kidding?

You guys were going to a hotel.

We did go to a hotel.

Yeah, they pulled a gun on us.

Dad, do you have any idea what you just walked into?

Yeah, the structure I believe I own, which I can double the rent on at a

moment's notice.

I just wanted to make sure you remembered that.

to sleep in this dump, this place isn't fit for a pig.

I know what you're all thinking, and nobody say a word.

Well, we're all sleeping here unless somebody can come up with $200.

No problem.

No problem.

Uh, Kate, you got $197?

Look, I've got some space in my dorm room, so if anybody wants... Okay, okay.

For the good of the family, I'll go.

I wasn't talking about you, Mike.

I'll be right with you, Kate, as soon as I'm done with my sausage.

I was talking about Chrissy.

If that's okay with you. Well, let's let Chrissy decide, honey. You want to

spend the night in Mike's apartment or with Auntie Kate?

Look,

I have an idea. I mean, why doesn't the whole family go over to Kate's house

except for Kate?

No, Mike.

Come on. Now, Dad, come on. Shouldn't we let Kate make this decision?

No, Mike.

Okay, kid, here's everything she needs for the night. And, sweetheart, I will

see you tomorrow.

Okay, I got one more idea.

I mean, how bad could this pesticide really be?

You are so cute when you're frustrated.

I must be stinking gorgeous right now.

Well, thank you, everyone, a whole bunch. Well, Mike, this isn't a barrel

monkeys for me either.

Or me.

Or me. Jason, why couldn't you... Maggie, I called the bank. The bank said

you got to do. What?

I found a hair in this sausage.

It's not a hair. It's just a vein.

Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop it.

Come on. Okay, we've had a tough day.

Yes, you fell through the floor.

You had your credit cards cut up. You ate a vein.

Jerry Vale dumped on me.

Mike, and you, you had a chance. You're sitting here with a chance to have a

nice conversation with a lovely lady.

And are we going to let all this stuff get us down?

Yes!

Well, not this camper.

No, I'm going to make the best of what we have.

I'm going to look at this glass as being half full, not half empty.

I'm going to accentuate the positive, not the negative.

I'm going to take me these lemons and I'm going to make lemonade.

Anyone else still awake?

Yes.

How can I get to sleep? I've got my bed.

Well, I did it for your mother. She's getting on in years.

Oh, well.

Come on, as long as everybody's awake, why don't we talk?

You mean to each other?

families have been known to talk to each other, you know. Yeah, sure, on TV.

Well, all right, all right, let's pretend we're on TV. Why don't we give

try? Come on, Carol, go first.

Okay, what do you want me to say?

Well, whatever's important to you, whatever you're feeling, whatever weighs

heaviest on your mind.

Here we go, another fat joke.

Why can't anybody just accept the fact that I have lost 33 and a third pounds?

start with Carol.

Ben. Well, I've got a good joke.

If bodily fluids don't offend you.

Okay, we won't start with Ben.

Mike. Look, I'm not saying anything until I get my bed back.

Okay, we won't start with Mike.

Maggie. I don't appreciate that crack about me getting on in years.

Good idea. I'll start.

You guys remember when the last time was that we all spent a night together in

one room?

Remember?

It was ten years ago, and that was at your Aunt Rose's funeral.

Now, that was a fun time.

I don't mean the funeral was fun, Maggie. I mean the fact that we had to

the night in your Uncle Bobby's bomb shelter.

Remember that?

Remember what we did? We played games. We sang songs.

We invaded the emergency rations, and we gorged ourselves.

Remember that?

Your mom got all tanked up and set off Uncle Bobby's flares.

I did not. I know you didn't. I made that up just to make this more

Is there a point to this?

Yes, Mike.

The point is we were a family then.

You know, we didn't want to spend the night together all crowded in one room

underground with no air and Mike's feet.

But the point is we did it. You know, we made the most of it.

And it just occurred to me that, I don't know, maybe this is the last time we'll

ever... Spend a night together, alone in one room.

Phoebe, do you get in the hotel room tomorrow night? Great. You mean it?

Maggie, Maggie.

When did these kids change?

Yo,

Mikey, can you spare me a ten?

What?

I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were sleeping with your mother.

Hey, Michael, what's happening?

Well, you're pretty much looking at it, Ed.

Eddie, what are you doing?

Well, actually, Michael, I was wondering if you could lend me a tent.

At four in the morning?

Uh, look, all I got's a 20. Oh, that'll do. Wait, wait. For me, you had three.

For him, you've got 20?

Well, he pays me back.

Thank you, Michael. Yeah. This is really neat.

You know, my family never sleeps all together in the same room.

Wow, Carol, you're developing quite nicely.

Oh, I can't sleep on this floor. Things are crawling on me.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. Just climb in.

Oh. Wait a second.

Can I forget the bed and I have to suffer on the floor? I get it.

Hey, wait a minute. We're on a whole time out. I'm the one who owns the bed

you guys are going to sleep in it. I'm supposed to sleep on the floor? No way.

Make room.

Oh, come on.

How? Hey, Mike, that's my forehead. I'm sorry. Yeah, well, who's got their elbow

in there?

Nobody needs to cut their toenails.

You can't have this many people in this bed. I have twice as many people in this

baby.

Hey, wait a minute. We're not wetting the bed. The bed's wetting us. What?

Where the hell am I?

Jason, what are you doing out here? I don't know. I got confused. I got lost.

thought I was heading for the step.

Didn't this look like a pretty small door?

Maggie, I should warn you. If you're coming out here, we may actually have to

converse. And as you know, that's something this family does not do.

Okay, Jason.

You want to talk about this or are you still wallowing in your melodrama? I'm

still wallowing. Thank you.

I'll be fine, Maggie, as soon as I accept and realize the fact that the

that I once knew and loved is gone.

Oh, Steve.

Oh, Maggie, come on. We used to appreciate the simple things.

Shut up there. I'm talking.

You know, I don't think I've been up on this balcony since the day we moved in

here.

Remember, Jason?

We climbed up here to look at our brand new house, and you were complaining

about how much more the movers charged us than their estimate?

Still say those guys ripped us out.

Geez, honey, I think you're missing the spirit here.

Remember what we talked about that day?

Yeah, we talked about having all these rooms, and would we ever have enough

to fill them?

Well, we sure have come a long way, haven't we? I don't know. We're standing

the same balcony overlooking the same house and watching those rooms empty one

by one.

Oh, honey, we can't have time stands still.

No, no, but I just feel sad.

Jason, you like to be sad.

Yeah.

No, but come on, face it, honey. Things are never going to be the way they were.

I just feel I've lost something.

How come when you remember Aunt Rose's funeral and that night in the bomb

shelter, you don't remember Carol and Ben fighting all night long? Or Mike

locking Carol out, yelling, nuker, nuker.

Or Ben setting off emergency flares at three in the morning. I remember all

stuff. Maggie, it was a great night.

Back then you said Aunt Rose had a better weekend than we did.

I didn't mean that. Oh, yes, you did.

Sweetheart, you are one of those rare individuals that needs ten years to look

back on something before he appreciates it.

In the year 2000, you'll look back on this as the day Carol crashed through

ceiling, our credit cards were confiscated at gunpoint, and Mike's

turned into Old Faithful.

And you'll remember it fondly.

I will.

Well, I'm sure glad I married you.

See what I mean?

21 years and you're just starting to get it.

And when I do look back on this night, I'm going to be with you.

Right here from the same balcony.

We'll be back in a moment.