Original subtitles

Okay, we'll be back right after lunch. You have the number of the restaurant in

case anything happens.

Yeah, don't worry. If Ben and Carol act up, I'll slap them around a little bit.

Just kidding, Dad.

Let's go, honey.

Ben, we're leaving.

Oh, he's over at Stinky Sullivan's playing Rambo.

It's too chilly for him to be shooting people without a shirt.

Honey, we could cancel our romantic luncheon and track down our little

Or we could simply let our most trustworthy and reliable child take

Okay, okay, I'll do it.

Have fun, guys. Bye. See you later.

Bye -bye.

Oh, I thought they'd never leave.

You said you were going to take Ben a shirt.

I also said I was going to slap you around.

Yo.

Ben, put on a shirt.

Where's Mom and Dad? They're gone.

Gone? Yeah, you know, the first Saturday of every month they always go out for

their little private thing lunch deal.

Yeah, but I need their help with the school project.

Maybe you shouldn't have been playing with stinky felt in the morning.

Hey, what could I do? I was a POW.

So welcome home. Now get out.

Can you guys help me?

I mean, this history has to be good.

Half the kids in my class have really neat histories with divorces, tragedies,

family disasters.

Oh, lucky.

You've got Mike.

even got an uncle who was flown out of three countries.

Now this is full of Dad's old stuff from his college days.

Wow.

The 60s were a very strange time, Ben.

If I didn't find the days Dad wore these, I'm going to have a family

that leaves stinkies in the dust.

Family records have to be around here somewhere.

to the Swingin' 60 surefire tips on how to get chicks into... Ben,

you're not a single dude.

What, you are?

Ben, this isn't for your eyes.

To Jason, from the other interns, we thought this might come in handy now

that you're divorced.

So I got a divorce for my family history.

I guess.

had my doubts about them.

Now hold it, okay? This could be a mistake. I just can't believe this about

wonderful dad.

Come on, Carol. The evidence is right here.

Yeah.

Well, it could be a big mistake.

Carol, it's obvious.

Yeah.

What's obvious?

That dad's divorced.

We're living a lie.

You know, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if dad wasn't his real name.

after all the times he's told us about their huge wedding.

You know, Grandpa Ed fainted when he got the bill.

Happy stay of mom's life.

Yeah, and how Dad toasted her and said she was the only woman he ever wanted to

marry. Yeah.

I mean, if he lied about this, then... Well, we don't know that he lied. He

didn't tell us.

Same thing.

Not exactly.

It was a lie last year when I cut school and didn't tell him.

No. See, that was different. See, when they asked you how school was, you said,

extremely pleasant.

Which it was.

No, it wasn't. It was, too. Wasn't. Was.

What's your point?

My point is, if Dad kept this divorce such a big secret, then what else didn't

he tell her?

And how do we know that what he did tell her is the truth?

I mean, we already know the wedding toast was a lie.

So how well do we really know this man?

I've known him since I was a kid.

Mike, you're getting carried away.

Oh, I am, huh?

Well, listen to this. I think that if he was married before, that probably means

he had another wife.

Brilliant.

And if he had another wife, that probably means he had other kids.

Oh, no.

And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they're living somewhere on Long Island.

Dad wouldn't want to live far away from his kids.

What kids?

The ones he goes and visits when he says he's going to get a haircut.

Ben.

Nobody gets a haircut as often as Dad.

This is true.

Mike. I got it.

Dad's other wife cuts his hair while he plays with his other kids.

when we're at school.

And wear our clothes.

And play with our stuff.

That's why my room gets so messed up.

You're crazy. And Mike, you're worse. I mean, I can't even believe that I'm

related to... That's it.

It all makes sense. It's true.

What?

Dad did have kids with his first wife.

At least one.

And when they split, he kept that child, and when he met Mom, they swore an oath

never to tell him that he was the painfully slow half -brother of me and

It's a picture of Dad's first wife.

Let me see.

Well, how do you know that's his first wife?

That's the only woman's picture we found after an hour of looking.

So?

So, look at it. It's even signed.

To my dear Jason, I know a place.

Love, Petula.

Wow.

You sure don't look like your mother.

Okay.

I just say we gotta find out more about this woman. Well, where else do we look?

Well, you know, if I were Dad, and I wanted to hide the mementos of some

mistake, I know where I'd stash them.

Oh, where?

What's the one room in this house that we're not allowed to hang out in?

Their bedroom?

The other one.

Not Dad's office.

Well, I guess we know who the smart one in the family is now.

in the family is.

Thanks, but I haven't found anything yet. Most of these are Dad's patient

and they're locked.

Oh, Ben, you're getting peanut butter all over Dad's stuff.

So I'll lick it off.

Ben, why are you eating that anyway?

When I get bummed, I get hungry.

Well, I don't want any part of this because it's wrong, okay?

I'm gonna go ransack their bedroom.

No? I think that book was all a big joke.

I mean, the people who gave it to him were all doctors. You know what nutty

they are.

Yeah, but I found a picture of his first wife. And get this, her name was

Petula, and she had a fake mole painted on her face.

Oh.

Yeah, I've seen it.

I need another sandwich.

Hey, hey, hey, what's this?

What?

Oh, no.

Then why do you hide it?

Oh, I don't know. I'm just saying that I don't want to jump to any conclusions

without a complete search.

Please, Carol, stop looking before you find any more wives.

Mike, are you dealing with this box?

Yeah. Yeah, where'd Dad get all these clothes?

What's he doing with all these sweater vests?

He probably gets Father's Day presents from his hundreds of other kids, too.

Hey, look at this.

My first issue.

This is when Mom started working at Newsweek.

Wow. She saved this from 1969.

Mom saves everything.

Cards, letters, mics for C.

Guys, guys.

There's something very strange about this. The year?

1969?

That was the year Dad supposedly did his internship in Phoenix?

So? So, the second year of Mom and Dad's marriage?

The year they lived in a trailer park and ate beans all the time?

So what?

So how could Mom be in New York working for Newsweek and be in Phoenix eating

beans at the same time, hmm?

I need another sandwich.

What else is in here?

Ah, just the usual stuff. Baby pictures, some fresh flowers, a charm bracelet.

An old letter to Mom.

Oh, oh, read it.

No, we shouldn't.

It's from Grandpa Ed.

Dear Margaret Casper, in all the confusion of the past few weeks, I

found the time to tell you that your mom and I still love you very much.

There's no reason to lose heart just because that ex -husband of yours

turned out to be a lunkhead.

So that means Mom was divorced, too.

Good thing Ben wasn't in here. He'd be eating the furniture.

went for a haircut.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Oh, I thought you were getting the haircut.

I did.

It doesn't look like it. Of course it doesn't. That's why they charge so much.

Where are the kids?

Oh, they're all sitting side by side on the couch.

Jason, it's eerie. They aren't yelling. They aren't fighting. They aren't even

watching TV.

This is a bad thing?

the fake mole?

No.

Yeah, right.

Ben, don't eat too much. You'll spoil your appetite.

Not a chance.

Why don't we just ask them about these divorces?

Carol, after everything we've learned, do you really think they're going to

us the truth?

Who's sticking out of them?

Okay, listen, guys, I've formulated a plan. What?

Okay. Now, when we do something wrong, only Mom and Dad don't know quite what

is, they usually get us into this conversation about other junk just to

into saying too much.

So let's just do that to them.

They never do that to me.

Well, Carol, that's because you lead a very sad, uninteresting, and boring...

Now, do you want to talk about that or do you want to talk about this plan?

The plan!

All right, okay. All right, I'll work on Dad and Carol, you work on Mom. What do

I work on?

Losing weight.

Dad,

do you have a second to rap with me?

You want to rap?

Yeah, is that the right word?

Sure, if you're Sammy Davis Jr.

No, no, you know what I mean. Talk, chat, have one of our meaningful

Yeah, uh, nice haircut, by the way, Dad.

Um, no, no, you know what I mean. Um, you know, just kind of a chance for us

guys to get together and see how the heck we're doing.

I mean, uh, you're my only dad, right?

And, uh, I'm one of your three only kids, aren't I?

So what kind of trouble are you in, Mike?

have to be up just because I want to come in here and talk to you?

I mean, boy, I want to hang out with you and I get accused of something being

up.

So, Dad, did you hear? I'm dating a new girl now.

Why? You're always dating a new girl because nobody will go out with you

No, no, no, Dad, this one's special.

Her name's Petula.

She wouldn't be a barber, would she?

A barber?

Why do you ask, Dad? Do you know any Petula who's a barber?

One with, oh, say, a mole painted on her face?

No.

Ben mentioned it.

Mm -hmm. I see.

Mike, are you enjoying this conversation?

Okay, um... All right, here it is.

I'm having a little problem with my social life, Dad.

And, um, you know, I figured that a guy like you is probably dating around a

lot. Yeah, well, it was a long time ago, but, uh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you probably even, uh, went steady a time or two, right?

Yeah. Oh, heck, you probably even married a few of them, right?

What?

Did you know that most divorced people never have to set the table?

What?

Well, it's a well -known fact that they eat most meals hunched over a sink.

Oh, Carol.

You wouldn't think it was so funny if you were divorced.

Well, it sure would save me a lot of time in the kitchen.

Oh, fine. Duck the question.

Carol, what question am I ducking?

Mom, how can I make it any clearer?

But it feels weird eating at the table, huh?

Well, that makes it unanimous. None of my children are making sense.

Tell me about it. They're either staring at me like I'm back from the grave or

telling me interesting facts about divorce people.

Well, there's something up. Mike was just asking me how many times I've been

married, and I... Wait a minute.

They know.

Oh, look, just like I told you. They've been into everything down here.

I found the stocking you gave me for the intern's comedy review.

That's not mine.

Sure it is.

Mike, Carol, Ben.

No, I wear tall. This is petite.

Well, we're getting off the subject here.

All right, kids, your mom and I would like to talk to you.

Oh, Beck.

We're listening.

Jay, then I'll handle this.

I'll handle this, okay?

This is gonna take a while. I'm gonna call for a pizza.

Sit down, Ben.

Now, your mother and I were married in 1968.

Oh, come on, Dad. We already know you weren't even living together in 1969.

Well, yes.

And we know you were divorced.

From somebody named Fatula.

Who? I don't know.

Mom, don't try to deny the fact that you were married to some guy that your dad

called a lunkhead.

That's right.

The lunkhead's your dad.

Thank you.

That explains it all.

I feel much better.

No, no, no. That explains nothing.

Kids, this is difficult to explain.

But see, your dad and I went through a period where we thought it was

to have two careers and a marriage.

It was.

I was doing my internship in Phoenix and your mom had the new job at Newsweek.

Yes, and we... Well, we split up.

But when you spend your life working for a goal, it's tough to give it up just

like that.

It's impossible.

So we went our separate ways.

It was the worst time of my life.

Me too.

See, we didn't disagree about anything.

In fact, it got so at one point, my lawyer got up in court and he blurted

well, why don't you just save everybody a lot of trouble and stay married?

Well, we looked at each other and realized at once that how stupid we'd

As well as what was really important.

And the divorce never went through?

Thank God.

All right. All right, well, then explain who this babe is.

Well, this babe... is Petula Clark.

She was a popular singer in the 60s.

I was a member of her fan club.

Okay, president.

For a very short time, okay?

I told you there was nothing to worry about.

Well, why didn't you tell us this before?

Well, we weren't trying to keep it a secret on purpose. It's just that we

waiting, well, for you to be old enough.

And then by the time you were, then Ben came along.

And after a while, it just seemed the whole thing was... Ancient history. It

really didn't matter at all.

What matters is how much we love each other and you.

Each of you, every day of the last 17 years.

And I like to think that it's because we came so close to making a mistake like

that that the last 17 have been so good.

It made us learn the fine art of compromise.

And we care enough to give each other a little room and the right to his own

point of view.

And like I said at the wedding, you're the only woman I ever wanted to marry.

So they told you it wasn't a lie?

No.

So you guys split up just to get it out of the way?

Well, I couldn't have said it any better myself, Ben.

Well, I'm going to have a family history that's going to make Stinky Sullivan

smell.

Well, I just think that that is the most beautiful, most romantic...

I have ever heard... God bless you.

Look, I told them they were getting carried away.

Sure.

And I speak for all of us when I say that I am really glad you guys got back

together when you did.

Oh, little wee monk.

I mean, if he had waited one more year, I'd have been Carol.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I just remembered. Maria Flakenhofer.

That's who gave me the pantyhose.

She's a proctologist.

Now... Fine.

Honey, I'm not jealous.

All right, I just wanted you to know where I got them, you know, just in

It's a pretty good story, though.

I don't care.

No? No.

Particularly when I say that she was a bit...

Thick in the thigh.

Oh, no, not Maria. No, she was, uh... Well, yeah, she was 15, 18 pounds

overweight.

What am I saying? 25 pounds that she was lucky.

Jason, what's past is past.

Good, yes.

From the look of her picture, she looks like a nice person. Oh, yeah, she was.

Fun lady, I guess.

Oh, yeah.

She had a great sense of humor.

Yeah, she loved to laugh.

And you gave her plenty to laugh at, I'll bet.

Oh, Maggie.

Oh, you've got a lot of nerve.

Maggie.

Maggie. Oh, come on. She was 35 pounds overweight.