Original subtitles

Dad.

Mike, you promised me that you'd be studying for your speech class exam.

I am. Well, start over.

I don't get it. I was wearing headphones.

Study, Mike.

All right.

Hello?

Hey, Boner, my man, how you doing?

Yeah, I could use a study break.

Yeah, yeah, the arcade sounds great.

Oh, wait a second, I'm broke. Do you think you could lend me, like... All

all right, all right. I'll pay you back for that and for this, okay?

Oh, hold on a second.

Oh, Carol!

Not a dime!

Well, I don't know.

Hold on a minute. Oh, Benny, my man!

Not a... chance, Mike.

Phone, this could take a couple seconds.

You want to hold? Okay, don't go away.

No problem. I'll wait right here.

Ben, my little compadre.

Huh?

Ben, you know, when you look at me suspiciously like that, it hurts.

Good.

Ben, come on, man. We're brothers. You know, this is our time to bond.

You know, before you know it, you'll be a grown man and... You'll be in prison.

All right, okay, fine.

If you don't want to see this great new card trick that I learned that you could

use to win big money out of your trusting little friends.

How much money?

Plenty. Get the cards.

I thought Dad said you weren't supposed to be playing cards with Ben anymore.

Hey, we're bonding.

Okay, now pick a card, any card, and I'll tell you what it is. And I'll bet

only a dollar on it. Okay, all right, you don't have to bet a dollar.

Let's make it a pretend dollar.

It's the queen of spades.

Seven of diamonds.

Gosh,

what did I mess up?

All right, here, let me try it again.

The ace of hearts.

Nine of diamonds. You owe him two dollars.

Pretend dollars.

That's right, it's working.

I bet my allowance.

Four dollars.

Real dollars.

You know, Ben, it's really sleazy of you to take advantage of me like this.

Five dollars more.

Hey, come on, guys.

And another buck.

Okay,

what is it?

Jack of diamonds. Thank you very much.

It's your excuse.

Show me that smile.

I just went down to the arcade for a half an hour after Boner calls and

me and he doesn't even show up.

Mike!

Boner?

Mike?

Hello?

Boner, look! I was just out at the arcade for a half an hour. Where you

Oh.

Boner, why didn't you just call and tell me you were waiting on the phone?

Mike, no wasting time.

So have you settled on a topic?

Well, it's a little early, Dad.

Well, what are your choices?

Dad, you know how you always said you never wanted to push me?

Well, you're pushing me.

Did you tell Dad about all the money you stole from us? What?

No, no, Dad, she doesn't know what she's talking about. Just between you and me,

I'm worried about it.

Did you spend all that money at the arcade?

Ben, of course, has several. Several cylinders misfired.

You were down at the arcade playing video games?

That's a very complicated question, Dad.

Try me.

I was definitely not playing video games. But you were there.

For a very short time.

With my money! And mine!

I won it! You stole it! From a little kid, too!

Whose idea was it to bet?

Dad, look, I tried to talk him out of it. I mean, all I wanted to do was stay

home and study.

So you conned your own family out of money?

Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.

Come on, Mike. When are you going to learn that conning people will only hurt

you? Oh, please. Mike, I'm talking about your future here.

You know the nine out of ten con men end up running circus side shows?

I want something better for you than a lifetime of hanging out with bearded

ladies and Ronaldo the dog boy.

topic is indecent exposure.

Now, it's interesting to note that in some places in the world, the only part

the female body that by law must be covered is the face.

And if you've been to a convenience store lately, you can clearly see where

law comes from.

Hey, Mom, what are you doing home early? Oh, I need an insurance

for my tooth.

where I sit.

Ben, you've got to stop being an easy mark for every two -bit con man in the

neighborhood. No offense, Mike.

But, Mom, this is a magic rock. It can do anything.

Ben, think. If Vinnie really had a magic rock, why would he sell it to you for

five bucks?

Said he liked me.

Well, as soon as I get back from the dentist, I'm calling Mrs. Bobot and

your money back.

Where is that stupid...

Let mom find her stupid farm. Let mom find her stupid farm.

Ben, please, I'm in pain here.

How's your tooth?

Well, it's... It's fine.

If that rock's magic, I'm a gorilla.

That can be arranged.

No,

I couldn't believe it. Not one cavity. The x -rays showed nothing. My tooth is

in perfect condition.

Of course. Ben, I think we've heard quite enough about magic rocks.

But Vinnie, Bobot's got the rock.

Everybody knows they're witches.

Well, Magic Lock didn't help their teeth. They don't have any.

We all know it's important to believe in something, but believing in something

that isn't real can only let you down.

But it cured Mom's toothache.

It did stop hurting.

Don't you start.

And I did find the insurance form stuck to the bottom of the drawer.

Maggie, insurance forms are always stuck to the bottoms of drawers. Dad,

without magic, how do you explain the miracle of life?

The mystery...

of a child. Wayne Newton's entire career.

Must you take cheap shots at the man who brought his dunk a -shining?

What about all those guys on TV who carry you if you send them money?

My heroes.

But the point is, Ben, if there were any such thing as magic rocks, that the

only place you could find them would be California.

In fact, I'm sure the people out there are just tripping over them.

Maybe your magic rock can finish the laundry for me.

Honey. A mother can dream.

Oh, that hits books.

Mike, books are those square paper things that frighten you?

Speaking of books, Mike... Ah, Dad, look, I know it's a school night, but I

to go to Boner's and check some research for my speech, okay? Sure, Mike. But,

Dad, I... Sure?

Yeah, you can go just as soon as you clean up your room.

I thought my room was my space.

Your space smells.

Thanks, Benny.

Magic rock.

Clean Mike's room.

Magic... No, no, no, Ben, Ben. You're going to clean my room for real, okay?

It's already clean.

See for yourself.

Give me my dollar.

you how much i hate being called benny yes many times and i'm just now getting

the message good look ben what's your hurry i gotta go i have many miracles to

perform okay one quick thought

to teach Mike how it feels to be conned and to get back the ten bucks that he

took from you and Ben. You're right, of course.

A sucker? Oh, what a pigeon.

I love this.

Yes, well, you know, we could sell those magic rocks and we could make a

fortune. Yeah, you could give up the paper, I could give up my practice.

We could all go from town to town fleecing and bilking people.

Yeah, then we could get arrested and we could sell our story to Hollywood.

TV movie of the week.

The Seavers, a life of crime.

If Fawcett could play you, I'd be played by Richard Chambers on the court.

And in part one, maybe... Jason. Yes?

You have a certain quality that gets on my nerves.

I just think you guys are enjoying this a little too much.

Does Molly Ringwald do TV?

Now stop it.

So I'm sure right about now, Mike is learning his lesson.

Okay, okay, all right.

Hmm, so I'd have the money, but I'd still have to take the garbage out every

night. All right, I'll do the garbage for a month.

And clear the table every night?

Why, you little terrific kid.

Of course, Mom and Dad could never know how much you paid me.

No, I'll tell them that you gave it to me. No.

I just need some kind of magic for my speech class tomorrow.

So it's a deal, right?

I'll sleep on it.

The first thing I'm going to do is turn him into a snake.

Nah, I'm too late.

Then the doctor washes his hands, they hose down the room, and that's it.

This concludes my speech on where babies come from.

question. No, no. That was extremely thorough.

Oh, thanks.

However, I can't help but wonder if it really wouldn't have been more effective

if you had used the proper names for the parts of the body.

I thought I did.

You may sit.

Mr. Stabone, please, would you take your visual aids with you?

Let's just take a moment here, okay, and catch our breath.

Great speech, folks.

Thanks a lot, man. I knew a third of my grade depended on it.

All right.

Well, now, let's see who's next.

Mike Seaver.

Watch this, folks.

Great speech, great speech, great speech, great speech, great speech.

Great speech, great speech, great speech.

Not yet, it isn't.

Magic.

Rock.

Magic.

Johnson.

Mike, I'm having a little trouble following this.

Magic.

Mike, I think you've overdone the pregnant pause.

Not a...

You want to bet?

Mike, either finish your speech or take your seat.

Look, are you going to help me out here or what?

I've been conned.

Okay, that's it.

Right. That's it. Con jobs.

Yeah, now that's the real title of my speech. You're going to love this, Mrs.

Scott from JRL.

Okay, con jobs, friend or foe. Anybody can be a victim. You don't believe me?

Well, you all... look pretty intelligent, but I just made you believe

didn't know what I was doing up here.

Ha! So foolish.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Ben, what you got there?

The catcher's mitt, a Buzzy Babone autographed model.

Ben, Buzzy Babone's a bum.

He couldn't catch a cold.

You bought that?

and Carol's money back from Mike? I did.

Ten dollars?

Yeah. Total?

No.

Ben, how much?

Fifty bucks.

And I think he's learned his lesson.

Ben? Ben?

Oh, Ben?

You swindled your brother?

trying to teach Mike a lesson, not con him out of $50.

$50?

What a joke!

Jason, this idiotic scheme of yours has gotten way out of hand.

Well, I was just trying to teach him a simple moral lesson.

I don't know what went wrong.

Boner, come in.

Where's Mike? Don't try to hide him. What's your problem?

He took advantage of my innocence.

Pardon me?

Mr. Seaver, he, like, ripped me off.

He sold me this stupid rock and told me it was magic.

No. Yeah.

I almost got myself killed trying to take Dead Man's Curve on my skateboard.

You didn't. I did. I figured with this rock, I could boldly go where no man has

gone before.

Boner, it's not a magic rock.

No kidding.

I'm out 60 bucks, too.

It's gone.

Mike as soon as he gets home. So will I. Jason, let's get Boner's money back.

Okay, then let's everybody give me their money back. Come on, give me that.

All right, this is... Ben, you've even cheated us on the split.

Hey, I did most of the work.

Why, you little double -crosser. What is this, Miami Vice?

Okay, this is, uh, here's $50 and a genuine autographed buzzy baboon mitt.

Hey! My favorite baseball player.

Oh, thanks.

You guys are okay.

Oh, and, uh, tell Mike that I'm never speaking to him again.

Oh, never mind. I'll tell him when I see him tomorrow.

You can keep the mid, Bowen. You earned it. Oh, thanks.

Uh, could I have the rock, too?

What for?

Oh, sentimental.

Yeah, here.

Hey! Bowen, relax. It's worthless.

You think so, huh?

What? I had this rock in my chemistry class. Mr. Rembaloff would buy it for

What? Yeah, at the collector's. It's called, uh, tourmaline or something like

that. Very rare.

He's gonna give me 200 bucks!

Oh, this isn't fair.

I know. Ain't it great?

Oh, well, fine. But did it ever occur to you that when you con somebody, you

always get hurt?

People never learn.

that you can't lie to people. You can't abuse their trust.

You're not going to get away with it.

People get what's coming to them in this world.

Coming up on the news, former President Richard Nixon is honored tonight at a

thousand dollar a plate dinner.