Original subtitles

One million students report back for first day of school.

Two million parents giggle hysterically with glee.

I bet it's so quiet around here you'll miss them by noon.

New pants?

I'm sick.

Well, you didn't seem so sick when you ate those three waffles.

Maybe I got wholesome bad syrup.

You know what I think?

Yeah, I'm going to school.

All right, it's going to be a great day or what?

You're excited about the first day of school?

Yes.

And look at Mike. Even he's anxious to get back to school.

Yeah, it's the beginning of my junior year. Don't you know what that means?

It means I'm more mature now.

It means I'm more responsible.

It means that in less than two years, I'm going to be getting out of that

Yo -Yo would be excited about the first day of school.

Good morning, all.

Carol, your new outfit looks great.

It's not too sexy.

Maybe for Bulgaria.

I think you look terrific.

Yeah, well, I just want to get on the right foot. I mean, a new year, new

challenges, new clothes, new friends. New bits.

ready for school? Yeah.

Well, your sister has your books, notebooks, paper, pencils, binders,

dividers. Mom, I know where you're going here.

Now, Carol's not the only one who's prepared for school. I'm just not a

Now, what have you done to prepare for school?

All right, all right.

Tonight, there's a welcome back dance.

I've already got myself a date.

Spirit's ready to begin.

As long as we got each other.

Gentlemen.

Oh, no.

Hey,

what's that on your face? That's a mustache.

A mustache? It wasn't there last week.

I'm Italian.

No, no, it's Toronto.

It's not Toronto. It's Texas.

It's a jungle of hair. What do your parents think about this?

They ain't noticed yet.

Hi, Mike.

Oh, hi, Elaine. Are we meeting at the dance? Are you picking me up?

Elaine, I'm a class dude. Of course I'm going to pick you up.

See ya. Bye -bye.

Michael, Mikey, you're taking Elaine Dooley to the dance?

Oh, didn't I mention that to you guys?

Would she, like, lose a bet or something?

You know, I have been working on that girl all summer long, laying down the

basis for a deep and meaningful relationship that's built on trust,

understanding, and a mutual, whoa, who's that fox over there?

I got dibs on her.

Yeah, I said it first.

Aw. You got a lane.

If you'll excuse me, boys, I have to meet this creature.

Hey, Mike, I thought you had some deep personal relationship going here.

That's so nice. You learn as you grow older, Eddie.

Relationships just don't always work out like you planned.

Tough schedule, kid.

It's a brand new year, and I wanted it to be a challenge.

Get out of here.

What'd you get? Right. Uh -huh.

Algebra 2, physics, conversational Latin.

Wow, you got the same. Right. Uh -huh. Fifth year.

Right. Uh -huh.

Oh, good.

Well, it's only 9 .30.

Good things could start.

This is a nicer classroom than you had last year, isn't it, Ben?

Ben?

Honey, is something wrong?

No.

No! Well, don't play around. I want to meet your teacher and I'm already late

for work.

Mark! Ben! You actually showed up. Is he here?

Hi, I don't see him.

Hello, I'm Maggie Seaver, Ben's mother. Maggie Seaver?

You're Mike's mother.

Yes.

Oh, Mrs. Cutter, I didn't recognize you.

But you remembered me. I remember Mike.

Is Louis Vasco in this class?

Louis Vasco? Big kid. No.

All right!

Cutter, I don't know what's going on, but Ben's been a little hesitant about

coming back to school. He is a lot like Mike.

Boy, are you lucky.

It was ready.

Fine.

Are you all right?

Great. Well, good. Bye, honey. Have a good day. Bye.

Ben! I just don't know.

Louis Vasco is at this school.

What? Yeah. He flunked.

And he's still mean.

He's gonna kill you, Ben.

You're your summer fever state.

Gonna be your last one when we get back to school.

You're dead meat. Hear me?

Dead meat.

Dead meat.

Dead meat.

Hey, what's the rush, cowboy? Look, Eddie, I got no time, right? Oh, of

You don't want to be late for biology on frog day.

Eddie, Eddie the blonde.

Again? Eye contact.

things to get better.

Come on.

Oh, Carol, did you drop your books?

Hey, I'm sorry. Here, let me help, Carol.

Well, speaking of help, I need to know the name of the blonde in your history

class.

Well, there's Roger Froman.

No, Carol, I mean the girl.

Oh, Becky Dworkin.

Bucktooth Becky.

Don't you agree to eat corn on the cob through a knot hole?

Carol, this girl was a living dream.

She's new.

Cheech locked me in. I think he was jealous of my mustache.

What a jerk.

Got me out of history.

Oh, come on, Mike. We got biology chemists two in a row. There she is. See

later, Bone. Mike, I don't want to go to biology alone.

Cheech is there.

Sure, people.

I'm Coach Lubbock, and I'll be covering French 3 while Mademoiselle Goldstein is

a little bit under the weather.

Grab a desk, mon chure.

Tres bon, sport.

Okay, I believe today is a little review of French 2, so what I'm going to

speak... Mademoiselle Goldstein fait toujours trop court tout en français.

conducts the entire class in French.

Bon, very trust, Bon.

Tell you what we'll do, we'll have this young lady stand up here and tell us

what she did for her summer vacation.

Come and tell -y -vous them.

Okay.

Johnny est très amusant.

Oh, j 'ai rencontré un garçon qui s 'appelle... I'm sorry, but I just had

Shh! Not now, Mike.

You heard me?

Shh! Later.

Ah, when?

Mimi had to dance tonight at 8.

Ah, okay. She had to dance.

She had to dance.

Wait a minute. I don't even know your name.

Hey, buddy.

You talk French so good you don't need this?

You mean this isn't biology?

Out.

Out.

Bonjour, monsieur, adios.

Are you done?

Oui, oui. No, no, you should have thought of that before class.

All right, Stevie, you have got yourself one hot date for the day.

Hi, Mike.

See you tonight.

Hey, you bet.

I got a problem.

What kind of problem?

Lift those legs, girl.

I'm lifting.

Tighten those thighs.

I'm tightening.

Firm up that bottom.

I'm still tightening.

Oh, very good.

Now, the chest.

Let's make up for all those years of going braless, shall we?

Hello.

Yeah, this is Ben's father.

Well, that doesn't sound like Ben.

All right, I'll be right over.

Where did I leave my bra?

the new year, and I thought that we'd been together at lunch for so long that

new people would be good for us. Wow, you're like... Dumping us? Right. Uh

Because it wouldn't be the same. I mean, we've eaten lunch together since the

fifth grade. Of course. Right. Uh -huh.

And I don't deal well with major change.

I'm sick.

Sick. Right.

Wow, that must be great to find two women who'll show you like that.

stupid. I'm stupid?

You've got a date with two girls and I'm stupid?

I am stupid.

So who are you going to cut loose, Mikey?

Look, Eddie, I'm going to go over there and I'm going to talk to Elaine and I'm

going to let her down very gently, very easily. Into the dumperoo, right.

Watch me.

Not kidding. Here he comes.

Elaine?

Oh, Mike. Hi.

Hi. Can we talk for a minute?

Did you want to sit?

Uh, no, no, I can't sit.

So... What?

You know, I should just tell you... Is it about the dance? Yeah.

I'm so excited. Wait until you see the new outfit I got.

You got a new outfit?

Yeah, and it's really hot. I got it at Chadwick's department store.

Great store. You know, very liberal return policy.

All I've been able to think about all day is the dance.

What a coincidence.

Mike, I found her at Dream Girl, room 204.

Thanks, great.

Now, if I were you, I wouldn't dust the blonde. I'd dump Elaine.

I'm not dusting the blonde. I'm just putting her on hold until next week, all

right? Hey, Eddie, here, tell me, how's it sound like, okay?

Hi.

Call me crazy, but this just can't wait.

You know, I think that we've got something really special here between

And I don't want to share that with a bunch of high school kids in dance.

I'm going to say you and me go out instead next week.

That's cool.

Hi.

Hi.

Look, call me crazy, but this just couldn't wait.

You know, I think we've... Hi, Mike.

Hi, Elaine.

He could wait after all.

You can talk to him in here till recess ends. Thanks.

Boy, when you're small, people don't even ask you if you want your parents

called. So I understand you want to be transferred to another school.

Yeah, well, this place is getting kind of old.

Well, that would be difficult. You see, for you to go to another school, we've

got to move to another district.

Is that a problem?

Yes.

I got it. How about Hebrew school?

How about you telling me why some kid wants to fight with you?

You heard?

Mm -hmm.

See, there's this big mean kid, Louis Vasco.

And last year I wouldn't let him cheat off me.

Well, good for you.

He sent a message.

Three o 'clock, boys' bathroom.

Ben, this is so strange.

Well, it wouldn't be. me in the girls' bathroom.

No, I mean this whole situation.

Would you believe the same thing happened to me?

Come on, Dad.

You don't believe me?

You're going to do like you always do and tell me some story of how you didn't

run and you ended up being friends.

No, I ran.

What? I was 11 years old and I was trying out for this baseball team, the

Oilers. Well, it came right down to me or this other boy for the third base

position.

Well, boy wasn't really right. This kid was a gorilla.

They called him Killer.

What'd you do?

I quit.

I didn't play baseball that whole year.

Anyway, I didn't see Killer again for, well, 15 years.

And I saw him at a reunion.

He had a big beer belly.

All athletes end up with beer bellies.

And I was there with your mom. And Killer, whose real name was Ralph...

What's your point?

Well, the point is he told me he was glad that I didn't fight him that day.

Why? Because he was just as afraid of me as I was of him.

Big guys are afraid, too?

Yeah.

So you're saying I should face this guy like a man?

That's right.

Then if that doesn't work and he starts to hit you, then you run like the wind.

Excuse me, do my chins have a date for tonight's dance?

Pardon me, but I, uh...

Hi. Why won't anyone go to the dentist?

Oh, sorry, Carol. I thought you was just a regular girl.

2 p .m. and things are not getting better.

I give up. I'm sorry. I thought I'd try something new, but it didn't work.

Tell me about it. Nothing ever changes for me.

Homer?

I know exactly how you feel.

I'm like dog drool.

I was expecting today to be different, too.

I was stupid enough to even think I could get it, Dave.

All I wanted was something new.

Something different. Something unusual.

If I did agree to go to this dance with you, which I have... Right, right,

right.

You'd have to agree to certain conditions.

Anything.

No hand -holding.

No slow dancing, no fast dancing.

And if you agree to go with me, I don't even have to show up.

Do I?

No.

Okay, you've got your date.

And you've got something unusual.

Louis? Do you see your face?

I hear you've been looking for me.

Yeah.

So I'm here.

What's the matter? Afraid to come in?

You're afraid to come out.

Louis?

Hey, Dad was right.

All right, you little... You. You grew.

You didn't. I think that's my bus.

Who's actually afraid of you?

Yeah, well, Mark, everybody's a little bit afraid, even big guys like me.

Now, I don't want to break Elaine's heart, and I sure don't want to upset

blind, but it's out of my hands, so the next girl that walks around the corner

is history.

Ha, boner, boner. I know, get lost.

Ah, gym class. I misfired on a power squat.

Yeah, look, I have to see a doctor tonight.

The dance is out. Yeah, I am really sorry, Elaine, but I promise we will go

just as soon as I'm home.

I hope you understand.

Of course I do.

Is there anything I can do to help?

No, no, I'd rather not have you see me like this, okay?

Okay. Take care.

You too. Bye -bye.

You!

Me.

Look, I'm a class dude, and I don't want to meet my date at the dance, so what

do you say I pick you up?

Date? We don't have a date.

Yes, we do, for the dance tonight.

No, I just said I'd see you there.

Oh, wait a minute.

I get it. You found someone you like better, and you dumped me, huh?

Oh, no, I could never do something like that. Could you?

Don't change the subject here.

Mike, you misunderstood.

Misunderstood? Do you have any idea what I gave up for you?

I didn't ask you to give anything up. I'll tell you what. I gave up Elaine

Dooley for a date with you.

Mike, I couldn't date you. I don't even trust you.

Look, before you mistrust me, I suggest you get to know me.

I do know you, Mike.

From where?

Do you remember the class picnic last year?

No, no, no, you weren't there. I would have remembered you. I can prove I was

there. You did that really funny impression of Bucktooth Becky's work,

remember?

Pass the corn, please.

Very funny.

Becky?

Boy,

you have had quite a summer.

And you have had quite a fall.

So, Jason, were you lonely today?

And Ben,

what did you learn your first day back?

I learned that Hebrew school is not the answer.

I'll explain later.

So, Carol, was today everything you hoped it would be?

Well, it started out a little shaky, but it ended up okay. Ah, good.

I even have a date for the dance.

Great. And the best part is, I don't even have to go.

Mike, you're late. Where have you been?

Mom, I've been doing some thinking.

Girls have feelings just like regular people.

Uh -huh.

You know, Mom, I think I've learned more today than I have in my entire

educational career.

Well, that's great, Mike.

So you have good teachers?

Uh, maybe. I'll find out tomorrow when I go to class.

Jason?

Mike, seven o 'clock comes early. Let's go, pal.

All right.

Carol, honey, school in the morning.

All right.

Ben, you're long overdue. Lights out now.

No way. I'm afraid of the dark.

You know, Ben, this is interesting.

When I was your age, I too was... Ben?

Forget it, Dad. I love the dark.