Original subtitles

Show me that smile again.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near the end.

The fest is ready to begin.

As long as we got each other.

Sharon's left even alone.

Mike, can I get your picture, please?

Yo, Fido, dinner!

I'll be right down, fire hydrant.

Tell Mom I'm just going to finish this paragraph.

Hey, Mom, Fido's going to finish a paragraph.

Thank you, I heard. And frankly, fire hydrant.

I don't think it's funny or appropriate for you to call your sister Fido.

You're right. It's a boy's name.

Is she still working on that article?

Uh -huh. Well, she's taking this tryout for the school paper very seriously.

Come on, Ed. This is the Walt Whitman Chronicle here, one of the world's great

papers.

It's right up there with Charmin and Neisenthoft.

Mike, this is very important to Carol. Try to keep your snide comments to a

minimum. So like what? Three or four?

You're working awfully hard, sweetheart.

Yeah, I just want to get it right. You know, so it's like the best article

they've ever got.

Mm -hmm. Pretty tough to beat last week, too.

Granola bars, you played gummy bears and snack machines.

That's one.

One what?

Snag comments.

Mom says Mike can make three more at you during dinner.

I think probably that was the last one, right, Mike?

Why, yes, Father, I believe it was.

Anyway, tomorrow's the moment of truth. Tomorrow, Mr.

Simmons reads all the articles and decides to get to the job.

Oh, no, not Simmons.

Why? Who's Simmons?

That's the teacher who locked a kid in a closet for not closing a quote.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just do the best you can, and

I'm sure he'll be impressed.

This is so exciting!

The roar!

through my veins.

Maybe I've got what it takes. Maybe I don't. But I'll never find out if I

leap into the darkness and give it my all.

If she sings, I gotta be me. I swear I'll throw up.

That's two.

Mom, do you think you could read my article tonight and tell me what you

Boy, I'd be happy to, honey.

You'll be honored?

Savagely honored.

I know.

I'm probably... Probably just to worry for nothing, but have you ever wanted

something so much you could feel it with your entire body?

Well, now that you mention it... Yeah, Jerry, yeah, put

me in for 20 bucks.

Yeah, of course I have it.

Look, only a scuzzball wouldn't have 20 bucks.

Yeah, okay.

Come on.

Hey, Ben, give me 20 bucks. No way.

Ben, we didn't want you to know this, but...

Well, Mom needs an operation.

That's low, Mike, even for you.

Okay, okay, okay.

Look, Jerry Della, she's over at Off Track Bedding, and he's got a hot tip on

pesky -persky in the fort.

Is that a horse?

No, it's an imported beer.

Of course it's a horse.

Ben, look, I'm giving you the opportunity to make $100.

Hmm.

That sounds pretty good.

Of course it sounds pretty good.

And you're acting like I'm trying to put one over on you or something.

I'm sorry.

Look, forget it. But you'll do it?

Sure, and we'll split the profit.

All right, then.

70 -30 mine.

What?

Take it or leave it.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

It's a pleasure doing business with you, Mike.

That kid's gonna be good.

Carol's paper can't be that bad.

She wrote about guys who dig for clams.

Well, what's wrong with that?

She called it, I clam, therefore I am.

Did she?

Listen to this.

Night abduces the isthmus neath its obsidian mantle.

The mollusks imbibe one last sip, twixt their valves, and expel the day's

mucus.

She could be pushing a little.

Jason, read this.

With dexterous manipulation of his digits, the master clamor extricates the

muculent mollusk from its lipidious menage.

Well, look at it this way. We have a daughter who knows what muculence is.

How many people know what muculence is?

Nobody knows what muculence is.

And that's the problem.

Mm -hmm.

The newspaper already needs to be clear.

Accessible.

Ah, Jason, what am I going to tell her? She asked for my honest opinion.

No kid wants your honest opinion.

They want unconditional approval.

And what if you don't approve?

Then you have a significant dilemma, much like the one you're in now.

Thank you, Dr. Smith.

Oh, come on, Jason. Help me out here.

Well, look, we want this to be a learning experience for her. Go on. And

learning is based on positive reinforcement. More.

See, if you want a pigeon to perform, you reward it with a pellet. What are

saying? I'm saying we should have had pigeons. They're easier to raise.

Come on.

You just start off by pointing out the strength of the article. And then you

show her how the article could be improved.

You're right.

Accentuate the positive.

Yes, be gentle and nurturing and supportive.

Then if that doesn't work, you simply tie her to the bed and set her Reeboks

fire.

Carol?

Come in.

Well, it's... It's late. You must be tired. We can talk about this later. No,

no. I've been waiting for you.

I read the article again, and I think I can be more objective now.

Well, that's a good thing to do.

Put it away for a while. Get some distance.

Often what you thought was perfect... I know, I know, I know. I already changed

it. You did?

Yeah. Ah.

The two muculences in the same sentence.

Terrible.

Made the second one pituitousness.

Oh.

Are you proud of me, Mom? The truth.

Of course, honey. I am always proud of you. You think I'll make the paper?

Well, it's obvious you have potential.

Very few people could write like this.

Oh, you don't think I could change anything?

Mom. This is great.

Well, what I'm saying is, Carol, it's clear that

you put a lot of time into this article.

It's well thought out. It's well typed.

And I just love these margins.

But?

Well, it's not so much a but.

Just like a but. Well.

What I'm trying to say is... Cut to the butt, Mom.

But... It's just not newspaper writing, honey.

Look.

In any field, there are rules.

You just have to learn them.

Newspaper writing has to be more simple.

Straightforward.

Oh! I think my article's garbage.

Sweetheart, if I let you turn this in to Mr. Simmons, he'd tell you the same

things, only meaner.

Introduction to journalism.

I found it very helpful, and I'm sure you will, too.

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Really?

Yeah, really. Thanks for your advice.

Good.

Night, pumpkin.

I know. Jerry says we bet on undulating the eight. I say we bet on arbitrary.

Why? Why not?

Ben, look at these times. I mean, you'll be growing chest hair before arbitrary

finishes this race.

I just got a hunch about this one.

Ben, you can't bet a race on a hunch.

Okay, but what about that arbitrary comes out of secretary by way of

And Alonzo picked up three purses in his last four turns that week.

Yeah, I know that. But I say we stick with Jerry. I mean, he's been right so

far. I'm not so sure.

Ben, who's got the connections?

Who's got the money? Who's got the weight advantage?

The Angela.

Earth to Maggie.

Everything okay?

Oh.

Well, I was just wondering why Carol hasn't come down yet.

Oh, I hope I wasn't too hard on her last night.

No, I'm sure you were just... Unless... Did you burn her Reeboks?

What do you want for Christmas, Mom? Because my middle name is Money.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've been living under the assumption your middle

name was Humphrey. I hate Humphrey. Oh! And a kid with $65 can call his own

shots. Really?

Where did you get $65?

I came into a little money, Mom, and you've always taught me to share, so I'm

sharing it with my little bro.

Now, just for the heck of it, Mike, the truth.

Jerry Delish bet on a horse for us from the one.

Mike, you took Ben's money and ripped it on a horse?

It was a sure thing, Mom.

Jerry Delish said so.

Jerry, I swear she looked 18, Delish.

There will be no more betting. But, Mom...

I know. Wait, but Mom, these guys are hot. They're on a roll. They won.

Now, I'm sure there are some people who actually lose money at the track.

But those people don't know Jerry Delish.

Ah.

Well, maybe you're right, Jason. These boys do seem to have winter written all

over them.

So we can let it ride on undulating the eights? Boy, and I say this to you as a

friend, I think you'd be crazy not to.

Yeah, all right.

Thanks a lot. See you later.

Don't worry, this will work.

Two bucks says you're a loser. You're on.

Carol?

Don't worry, she'll be fine.

After all, she is a fever.

She can take criticism.

Good morning, Carol.

You look nice.

Thank you.

That's a real cute sweater.

Oh, you like it?

A lot.

It's a good color for you. It brings out your eyes.

Not too bright?

It's very becoming.

Sure, if not, I imagine there's a book I could read, perhaps.

Introduction to Dressing?

You call these facts?

How many kids threw up from the tuna casserole?

And where is the cafeteria side of the story?

Food services had no comment.

Food services had no comment. You go back down to the cafeteria. Somebody in

sandwiches or in pudding has an axe to grind.

You find yourself a deep throat and you bring back a story.

Next.

Sit down.

You want the job?

You got it.

Really? You like my writing? I work so hard on my metaphors. Metaphors stink.

Your similes are more... Similes stink.

Your writing, it stinks.

What? Oh, excuse me. I forgot who I was talking to. It is replete with

stinkiosity.

others that they can't even spell.

You spell words that nobody knows.

Mucus.

What in the hell is mucus?

Well, it's, um, it's basically slimy glop. Can you call it

slimy glop? People know what slimy glop is.

Yeah, well, I just felt that maybe it was... Felt is for poop.

Work the job.

Around the fourth turn, it's Nice Girl and Delete.

Come on, Undulate!

It's still Nice Girl a full six lengths ahead of Hedge Trimmer, with Undulate a

distant third.

Hey, guys, it looks like Undulate's gonna be very late.

Relax. Nice Girl always starts strong. She'll fade.

And Nice Girl's starting to fade.

Now, come on, you can do it, Undulate. Don't worry.

She'll make her move on the outside, right here.

And let's see. Moving on the outside, it's Undulate. Undulate.

Look at her go.

And they're moving down the final stretch.

They're neck and neck.

It's nice girl, undulate.

Nice girl, undulate.

And at the finish, it's undulate by a nose hair.

And she'll pay off at nine to one, folks.

Nine to one. Holy cow, that's 450 bucks.

All right, I think Jerry called from OTB. What do we do fast, Benny? We keep

450, let it ride on nail biter in the ninth.

Guys, I think you should quit while you're ahead.

Jason.

Maggie, that's $450.

You put that in a rollover account with interest to wait. Oh, come on.

We could teach him this gambling lesson another time.

Okay.

Boys, I'd say this is no time to stop. You know, you got it. You got that

All right, Jerry, put it all on Nailbiter to win.

Oh, hi, Carol.

How did it go with the... Simmons.

Fine, thank you. I got the job.

Oh, really?

Well, congratulations,

honey. That's wonderful.

Carol got the job on the paper.

What are you doing?

Farming out of my way.

Carol, how come you turned the job down?

I mean, it really seemed like you had your heart set on it.

Yeah, well, that was before I realized there's nothing really creative about

journalism. I mean, all you do is regurgitate facts.

Now we're going to be a writer?

I'd rather do a novel. At least people don't train their puppies on Moby Dick.

I can understand you being angry at me for my criticism of your article.

Why should I be angry?

Simmons gave me the job.

I know.

I know, and I guess what I'm trying to say is, well, honey, it's always tricky

giving criticism to someone you love, and I guess I just didn't do a very good

job.

Obviously, Simmons was very happy with what you did, and I'm... I'm glad that I

was wrong.

No.

Pardon me?

I said no, okay? Are you happy? You did everything you said only worked.

He said my article was replete with stinkiosity.

But you said that you got the job.

Yeah, well, that was... only because all the other articles were repleted with

stinkiosity.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

He said he didn't even know what mucus was.

Well, that's... That's just his stupidity, sweetheart. Everybody knows

mucus is.

I'll never be able to write like you. Oh, oh, hold on, hold on, honey. That's

just not true.

Now, maybe you were reaching a little.

But you have great natural ability.

You're just saying that.

Hey.

Didn't I establish myself last night as someone who isn't afraid to tell the

truth?

Yeah.

Even if it does mean crushing a little kid's ego.

You really think I might have natural ability?

I dug this out of the attic this afternoon.

And I thought that you might like to take a look at it.

A letter I wrote from camp five years ago?

Read it.

Dear Mom and Dad, Camp is fun.

Except for the rash I got when I tried to find out what poison sumac looks

Except for the kids teasing anyone who's small or fat or left -handed.

Except for missing you and baby Ben.

And even Michael Little, but don't tell him.

Bring my chemistry set and potato chips on visiting day.

Love, Carol.

That's not so good.

Hey, didn't we bring your chemistry set and your potato chips?

Yeah.

Then you got your point across.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I see what you're saying.

But I still think it could have been better.

Now, what makes you say that?

Well, as I remember, you brought Mike, too.

And this is unbelievable. Coming around the final turn, it's nail -biter by 18

lengths. Running a distance second is Slim's Frog, with Arnold's Dream Date in

third position.

And it's Nailbiter by 20 lengths.

And Nailbiter's at the final pole.

And he must be a full 25 lengths ahead.

That horse could walk in from here. Go, Nailbiter!

I'll never have to work again!

Uh -oh.

Ladies and gentlemen, wait a minute.

There's been an accident.

Nailbiter has tripped and gone down.

The horse is on the ground.

In all my years at the track, I've never seen anything like this. A foot from

the finish line. Maybe two feet.

And the jockey is trying to drag the horse across the finish.

This is amazing.

A 94 -pound man trying to drag a racehorse by one leg.

Look out! Coming up to the outside is Slim's frog.

And the winner is...

Slim's frog!

I hope you boys have learned your lesson.

Oh, look at here.

X -rays reveal that nail biter suffered a fractured fibula.

Trainer Jim Shepard immediately announced that his prized thoroughbred

put out to stud.

Well, Ben, sometimes when a boy horse gets hurt, they use them to get lots and

lots of girl horses pregnant.

That's very good.