Original subtitles

Meet the Gang Con, the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey. With songs and sketches and jokes all anew with us about you and

Bill Blues. So meet the Gang Con, the boys are here, the boys to entertain

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Shut up straight with your punkery.

And you, stop your damn wailing.

And make room for me to park my backside.

Because I have to wait here to carry these most important bags for Colonel

South.

What you're doing, huh?

I'm making chapati for my dearest.

My friend, you don't mind my telling you, but you're heating your chapati

too hard.

It will be tough, like the rubber tire of Colonel's jeep.

Randy, go and tell your grandmother how to suck the eggs.

Here, try.

Isn't that beautiful?

Well, it is certainly different.

Now I am understanding why you have such fine teeth.

What are you doing with Colonel's bag?

I am putting them in hippie.

Because Colonel Saab and Captain Saab are going to Bombay, where they are

to stay in beautiful Taj Mahal Hotel.

And when they get there, they are going to be drinking the cocktail.

They drink the cocktail?

Oh, yes.

This is very holy ceremony among British officer Saab.

And they are slapping each other on back.

And they are chanting, Iskin of your nose.

Your bottoms up.

Then they drink the cocktails.

Then they drink the cocktail.

Then one very important shouting man is hitting table with hammer.

And he is saying, my lord, lady, gentleman, be upstanding.

And they are all upstanding together.

Oh, dearie me.

Here come the trouble.

Oh, that is not trouble, you ignorant coolie.

That is sadhu.

He is holy man. He has come to do prayers and to make blessings.

Oh,

dearie me, he is wanting the lolly.

Do you think we should be giving him any? Oh, yes, my friend, we must. We

in case he curses.

This is what we British call the insurance policy.

You know, I was bearer to Saab once who was cursed.

And he was very sticky.

And he could not attend the cocktail drinking party.

And what is worse, for two months he could not be upstanding.

What do you do now, Ranji? Now? He is making holy plates.

Shut up!

He's going now, Randy. Ah, yes, he's going now. But he will come back because

has made holy play.

Have you any idea who's coming to this party, sir?

Well, the usual crowd.

One or two fillies from Government House.

Oh, and Emily Crichton Dunhoward.

Emily Crichton Dunhoward? Yes, do you know her? Yes.

She came out at the same time as my wife. Really? Yes.

I met her at Lavinia Scott Montefiore's dance.

Did you?

Yes.

She's a real goer.

Who, Lavinia Scott Montefiore?

No, Ebony Crichton Dunhoward.

We, uh, we had a bit of a thing.

You didn't.

We both took our meringues into the conservatory.

You may sound really sad, but Bombardier Solomon... Sir!

Get out.

Excuse me, sir.

I did not wish to interrupt anything important.

But it has come to my attention, sir, that Bombardier Solomon's and Gunner

Bowman is actually in a scheme which I think you should nip in a bud.

Before you go, sir, and with your permission, I'd like to wheel him in.

right, Sergeant Maynard, but remember, we haven't got a lot of time. Stop.

Right, Gert and Daisy.

Chow!

Left hand!

Quick, not!

Left hand, left hand, left hand, left hand, right wheel!

Out!

Right,

chaps, stand at ease.

Now, what's it all about?

Well, sir, it's like this. They are going to give a show, sir, charge for

admission and put the money in their own pockets.

And now, sir, you have heard it out of their own mouth.

Well, sir, it's not quite like that. We was going to use the money to buy things

to improve the show.

I need a Carmen Miranda hat.

The fruit's gone bad.

This irregular, sir, and entirely against debt, will stand in orders.

There's no checking they won't spend it on egg banjos.

All right, well...

Look into this one and let you have my decision later. Thank you very much,

Show! Rightly and quick, Mark!

Sorry,

Major. I think we can make an exception in this case, you know.

That's a discipline, sir. There's no telling where it will end.

You let one of them do it, they'll all want to do it.

I've made my decision.

They can give a show, and whatever money they make can go toward improving the

costumes and things.

Begging your pardon, sir, I think you're making a big mistake.

Well, it's an order.

Excuse me, Colonel Tharpe. Get out.

What do you want, Mayor?

Sir, Mrs. Tharpe, Colonel Tharpe's jeep and lorry is waiting.

Get out.

Actually, we must get out.

You know, I think you've rather got your knife into the concert party, sir. Not

at all, sir.

I just don't like pandering to a lot of poofs.

Be that as it may, I don't want to hear that you've prevented them from

performing their show, all right?

Sir. I understand, sir.

And I shall make no...

Son of a great when you were punkering.

Over here, Solomon!

Get your dirty shower open! Excuse me, Sergeant Major.

Do you really need me? I've just put my hair in curlers.

As you know, the Colonel, for some reason, what is beyond my imagination,

very highly of you.

So, we have decided that I will not stop you putting on your concert tomorrow

night. Oh, thank you very much, Sergeant Major.

You're a real brick.

However, at the precise hour when you intend giving your concert, I intend

giving a moonlight parade for the old camp.

So, lovely boys, you can have your show, but the one thing you cannot have is a

audience.

That's hardly fair, Sergeant Major.

That's hardly fair, Sergeant Major.

Now, doubtless you are all disappointed at not being on this Moonlight Parade.

Especially Lady Beaumont.

Are you disappointed?

Heartbroken. I thought as much.

So, you can all have...

you in the sunlight.

Them stones what says Royal Artillery Depot is too big so you can break them

into more artistic pieces.

And then you can put them... What is this dirty mess on my peregrine?

Sorry, Major, sir. This is not dirty mess. This is holy mess.

I will not have dirty holy men make a mess on my peregrine.

Get him off!

Sorry, Major, sir. Do not say that because he will hear you.

He might also feel my book. Jow, jow, jow, jow!

Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you shouldn't interfere with their religion.

That's how the Indian mutiny started.

That's how the Indian mutiny started.

All right, Mr. Lauderdale, Gunner Graham.

My pig and boot will not touch his religious backside.

You and get a Macintosh can carry him.

Relevantly away.

Move yourself, move yourself!

Pick him up, pick him up, pick him up!

There is nothing more holy to this man's army than the pergrade ground on which

we are standing right now.

It is sacred, and as long as this crown is on my wrist, it will remain unsilaged

by dirty foreign feet.

I therefore

removed the aforementioned offensive

holy man and caused him to be placed outside.

W .D. Property.

You better tell the Sergeant Major.

I tell him pretty damn quick.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major. Shut up.

What do you want, brother?

Dirty mess is back on parade.

What? I think he has come to stay.

He has brought his bed.

What?

You dirty heathen, get off my parade car!

Get out of it!

He can't hear you, Sergeant Major. He's in a trance. Yes, you see, Sergeant

Major, he's saying his prayer.

Then he will go to bed.

Going to bed, is he?

I'll soon settle his ass.

I'm just making him more comfortable.

Oh, Sergeant Major, I think you've upset him.

Oh, Sergeant Major, he's cursing you. He says your own child boy will be like

bread of nails.

Tell him to get stuffed.

Very difficult to translate, sir.

He says that never again you have good sleep and all night you'll be pricked by

nails.

Tell him to get an audit.

That is even more difficult to translate.

He says he's going.

He says that he is going, but he is going to leave his

spirit in that place.

And it will be plague to you, Sergeant Major Thub, and also dirty big damn

nuisance.

Well, you've all had a nice rest, haven't you? Get on with your work!

Ma, he's making eyes at me. Look at my hands.

Calloused they are.

Calloused. Who ever heard of Ginger Rogers with calloused hands?

I'd like to get my hands on a present made of shut -up throat.

Yeah. Fancy him holding a special parade so we can't get an audience.

Yeah. I wish that curse would come true.

Oh, glory, that would die.

But, Bob, the curse of the Tadu is very strong.

Yes, perhaps we could exploit it in some way.

What do you mean? Well, so he thinks it's coming true.

Somebody could get under his bed and stick pins in him.

But I know one very naughty man in the bazaar who make the itching powder.

Itching powder?

Yes, sir. He make it from chilies, the whiskers of the mouse, and some very

short hairs from certain part of water buffalo.

Randy, you're a genius.

Oh, sir, you are most kind and quite right.

Big head.

Go back and pull your...

Get down the bazaar and get some egg down, Malum.

We've got to get that powder in the sergeant major's charpois before he gets

head down this afternoon.

Sir, I'm just making your char -poi all smooth and silky so you can have dirty

big kip, isn't it?

If he wants a job, get them boots polished. Yes, sir.

No nails in there, bearer?

No nails, sir.

What are you looking at?

Not looking, sir. I'm just cleaning booties.

Because I am going to have 40 winks. Yes, sir.

Anything wrong, sir?

No.

Nothing's wrong.

It's all in the mind.

Not a minute, sir. You are so brave.

Most people who have been cast just go away and die.

That's the trouble of the whole, you Indians.

No control.

There's one thing you learn in a British army.

It's control.

Control not working, sir? Shut up!

It was a good try. He just didn't come off.

Maybe Randy didn't put enough powder in the bed. Come on, he put it in the old

packet. He's so thick -skinned, he probably didn't even notice.

Well, Randy said he was squirming like he was in the frying pan. He just

wouldn't give way.

You've got to hand it to the sergeant, Major. He's a man of iron.

Maybe we'll think of something else tomorrow.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, good night, fellas.

Sleep well.

Night, darling.

Turn the light out, Lofty.

I'm asleep.

My dear, what's that?

Open this up! Open this up!

Sergeant Major Shut -Up's hub is not shut up any longer, sir. Come on,

Come quickly!

Quickly!

Blimey, he looks rotten.

He's always been rotten. Now he looks it.

He's very sicky. Maybe we should send for the M .O.

Right. Nobby, go get the M .O. Tell him it's urgent.

You should send for the holy man.

He's waking up.

Where am I?

We was worried about you, Sergeant Major.

Worried about me?

Whatever... I'll

tell you the truth, I

have had a bit of... a bad night, you know, but it's nothing to be concerned

about.

You go back to sleep, lovely boys.

That seems all right. We'll tell the M .O. not to bother.

Right.

Right.

What shall

we

do?

Well, better you marry him, I suppose.

Come on, boys, give it to her.

They're gone.

Sergeant Major, can we go back to bed now, please?

Yes. It's all right now.

You can go.

Come on, fellas.

One man stay here in case he comes back.

In the parkings.

Sir? Come here.

Yes, sir.

Stay with me, son.

Look after your old sergeant major.

Yes, sir.

Climb upon my knee, sonny boy.

I'm talking to you, sonny boy.

There's no way of knowing.

Do something, sonny.

Attention, gunner.

There's no way of knowing.

He really has gone bonkers.

He's obviously got a very high temperature and it sent him delirious.

Right. And if you seize one of them slant -eyed sons of heaven carrying a

nail, let him have it.

Follow me, boys.

Keep your wits about you, boys.

going to sadden one of you.

I will, Sergeant Major.

Good boy.

Come on.

Don't touch the holy man.

He might get cross.

You'd better step over him, fellas.

This is the orderly. Blimey, what can he do for us? I have a sleeping tablet.

I ain't feeding him sleeping tablets the way he's acting. He'll have me fingers

off. Ah, I have a hypodermic syringe.

I don't fancy sticking that thing in him either.

He'll think it's another nail.

Look, come on, scrape up on him.

Oh, dearie me, Sergeant Major Sarge is going to get the neat.

But keep the safety control.

Oh, dear.

Come on, boy.

No,

now we're going to get him down.

So, they like very much the banana.

Yes, sir, Major.

Nice bananas.

Lovely, fresh bananas.

Get your nice bananas.

Atlas, you want him to eat it, not buy it.

Come on, son.

Get him lower.

Nice bananas.

A little more to the left.

Bombardier, what the hell are you doing?

Dapper Waters clearly said that bombardiers were not stick needles into

sergeant majors.

Into the sergeant majors.

It's not going to heebie -jeebie. I think we've gone too far.

It's perfectly simple.

The itching powder gave a physical manifestation to an autosuggestive

precondition created by the holy man. The result is a suspension of the normal

non -emotive mental criteria.

You mean it's gone bonkers?

Precisely.

Randy.

Did you find the holy man?

Yes, sir. I find him. And he say he will not able to take away curse from

Sergeant Major Saab unless he get 200 rupee.

200 rupee?

Yes, sir. For organ fund.

Blimey, it would cost that a Westminster Abbey. This is different organ fund,

sir.

Well, he ain't getting 200 and that's final.

Then I find two other holy men, sir. And they say they will not take away curse

because this holy man not holy man at all.

but very naughty, double -crossing phony who could not make proper curse to save

his own bacon, isn't it?

You mean he wasn't kosher?

He wasn't cursed at all?

That is correct, sir. We've got to tell the sergeant -major.

No, no, no, no, no. It won't make any difference. It's all in the mind, you

He thinks he's being cursed by a holy man.

Well, he's got to be decursed by one.

Well, can't any of the elderly men pretend to take off the curse?

Oh, yes, sir, for 300 rupees.

Well, that's it, fellas.

We've got to find ourselves a howdy man.

So I'm telling them, to make their skin brown, they should be using walnut

juice. Because that is what doing according to Mr. Rudyard Kipling, who is

very clever writing man.

But no, they want all my old tea leaves.

It is not right, I'm telling you.

Don't be dicky clever.

Handsome, real handsome.

And South, all he want now is just a little sprinkling of the cow dung.

No!

No! I draw the line. I draw the line, Sally.

I don't believe in holy men.

There's nothing the matter with me.

It's just a touch of flu and a bit of doobie itch thrown in, that's all.

Well, maybe the holy man could cure that and all.

Aye, it's worth a try.

Right, bring it over here where the holy man lay. Come on.

What are you up to? Look, Gloria, all you have to do is lie

on here.

I'm not lying on that.

It's just a conjuring trick. Yes, you see, the secret is that the nails are

close together. This means that the weight is evenly distributed, so it's

or less the same as the flat surface.

Oh, well, bang goes that theory.

Excuse me, sir. I have one more excellent way.

We could put something very strong down Bowman's top doot, which will prevent

the nails from being pricky. Good idea, Randy. Find something. Hey, Mohammed!

I will accept your kind offer of one chapati.

You are most welcome.

Excuse me, Bowman's top, while I put one chapati down your backside.

Sergeant Major, Sergeant Major, come and sit over here.

Come on.

You're very good doing this for me. There you go.

I made a wacky typhoon like a song.

Sergeant Major, the curse is now going from you to Holy Man, and you must chant

as he does.

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you? Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you?

One more thing, Sergeant Major.

You must not go out in the moonlight for at least a month. So you have to cancel

that moonlight parade.

It is cancelled.

Right, you're cured.

I'm feeling better.

Oh, congratulations, Sergeant Major.

We were getting quite worried about you, Sergeant Major.

Well, I'm seeing clearly for the first time for hours.

Joe!

Get that dirty mess off my parade road!

I'm moving!

Start all over again.

I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot get it all off.

He spent two hours scrubbing at me and he won't come off.

Yes, sir, I've even taken him to Dubavala and he said he would not come

unless he bashed him against rock.

I'm sorry, Gloria.

So I'm sorry.

I suppose I'll get used to being an Indian after a while.

Come on.

You'd better turn in.

Yeah, I was good, though, wasn't I? With all that wailing and all that.

You know, when I go into a role, you know, I really get into it, I give it a

of integrity.

Oh, love, you're a tough old saddu.

Yeah. You know, it's funny how the mind can play funny tricks, isn't it? I mean,

he thought he was cursed, and so he was.

Funny, that.

Well, good night, sunshine.

Yeah, night -night. Good night, Randy.

Night -night, love.

Sleepy tighty.

I'm not playing the joke. I'm not playing the joke.

Dolly, feel that.

What?

There's nothing there.

You sure? Of course I'm sure.

Come on, get some sleep.

That way.

Night -night. Good night, sweetheart.

Hey,

hey, hey.

B -O -Y -S, boys, to entertain you!