Original subtitles

Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thong and fetches and jokes old and new, with us about you and Phil Blue.

So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Gangi, what for are you doing this lowly, dirty cleaning job?

Eh? What are you talking about?

You ignorant coolie?

This is number one important job in whole of Dilali camp.

This is bags of British bull.

The main table's all hygienic.

Let me tell you, my friend.

We have to clean the tables with the spit and polish.

Because the British soldiers are very high caste people.

Who live in beautiful cantonments.

In lovely cities. Such as Crystal Palace.

And Sutton Cold Field.

But if they eat their food from dirty places.

They may get nasty Indian diseases.

And then they will go running around camp.

Holding tummies. And shouting. Oh blimey. Oh blimey. Oh blimey.

Oh blimey. Oh, blimey. I have seen this. Oh,

blimey.

What are you doing here? Shut up!

High detail, Gunner Graham, for this fatigue.

Shut up!

What's the meaning of it, then? Sir, Mr. Saab, Gunner Charlie Saab told Gunner

Graham Saab to play piano for his concert party rehearsing, Saab, and he

to do dirty cleaning for him, Saab.

Who is running this camp, Bombardier Solomons, or me?

Shut up!

You are now going to tell a colonel just what you told me.

I'll whip them stripes off Solomon so fast he'll think he's been hit by a

tornado!

Right, watch it, Vera.

Hey, Bounce, chow!

Phew!

Quick, Bounce! I can't, I can't, I can't!

Don't you worry about serving on a court martial, Ashwood. But as an officer and

one of the judges, as it were, shouldn't I know something about military law?

Good heavens, are you just there to decide whether the chaps are guilty or

That's not law, it's just common sense. Inside, inside, inside, inside, inside,

help! Excuse me, sir.

The bearer to the concert party is here, sir, and I would like you to hear a

statement, what he has got to say.

All right, wheel him in. Sir.

Bearer, quick, out!

Inside, inside, inside, inside, that time!

Halt!

Salaam, Colonel, sir.

And respectful greetings to you, sir.

Shut up.

Now tell the colonel, in your own words, just what he told me.

As -salamu alaykum, sir.

I am in B .O .R.'s mess basher's hub, and I have one chatty pani, and I have

one brush, and I am doing the sacro to the table, sir.

And I am singing one small song like this.

Shut up.

The colonel do not want to hear all that twaddle.

He wants to hear how Bombardier Solomons countermanded my orders.

and put Gunner Graham off fatigues. Sir, that was so he could play piano with

his beautiful artistic hands instead of scraping hard rice pudding off table,

isn't it?

You are, sir. He countermanded my orders, and I would now like to put

Solomon on a charge and place him under close arrest.

Oh, wait a minute, Sergeant Major. Gunner Graham's a member of the concert

party, isn't he? I have put all the concert party on fatigue, sir, as a

punishment for gross insubordination and impertinence.

Why, what have they been up to?

Last night in the show, sir, they performed a skit called Bull in the

Office. Oh, I saw that. It was awfully good.

What didn't you like about it, Sergeant Merrill?

There was a battery sergeant major in it, sir, who was portrayed as a rude,

higgurant person.

He kept shouting and bawling and saying things like, get hell in and shut up.

Shut up!

That is liable for a start, sir.

Because I do not never use bad grammar, that description.

Then how do you know it was meant to be you?

Because, sir, he was wearing my hat, my moustache and my stick.

Oh, Colonel, sir, it was so funny, everybody was laughing off their heads.

up.

What was worse, sir, when the supposed Sergeant Major walked off the stage, his

trousers fell down.

Revealing a pair of free drawers.

Thus incinerating that the said Sergeant Major was a poof.

Finally, sir, the pianist played... And we all know the words to that, sir.

Colonel South, I was laughing so much that tears were coming from my eyes.

Right, Barry, you can go.

I shall pardon me, sir.

With your permission, sir, I will now go and arrest Bomadier Solomon. Come,

Sergeant, you must have a sense of humour about these things.

Concert parties are always taking the mickey out of sergeant majors.

They even take the mickey out of the officers.

The captain chappy of that skit was a complete silly arse.

But I don't think for a second it was supposed to be me.

Well, sir, for the sake of discipline...

I have put the old concert party on fatigue for one week. No, I'm afraid you

can't do that, Sergeant Major.

The area commander's arriving next week, and I've asked them to do a special

show. We don't want the whole thing to be a shamble, do we? By Jove, no, we

jolly well don't. I'm afraid you'll have to cancel that order, Sergeant Major.

That'll make me a laughing stock, sir. I can't help it. I can't discuss it

anymore. Captain Ashford and I are off to this court -martial thing.

Court -martial, sir? Yes, a couple of infantry chaps got caught out of bounds

a place called the Karma Sutra Club, or something.

Stupid fools.

Military police went in and caught them red -handed.

Looking at the cabaret, they were probably going after girls and silly

like that.

You can't be sure of that, Ashford.

You don't want to prejudge the issue, you know? I'm awfully sorry, sir. It's

right.

Court -martial?

I'd like to get that concert party mob on a court martial.

They won't go after girls, of course, they're a lot of puffs.

Cabaret.

They give their soul to be a cabaret.

That's how I'll trap them.

They won't be able to resist the allure of the greaseball.

In some secluded rendezvous That overlooks the avenue

He needs to go away.

He needs to go away.

Johnny, don't keep me standing outside here.

I want to see the owner.

He needs to wait.

He needs to come in.

Well, come on in, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. I want to see the owner.

I am honored.

Nice little place you've got here.

Do you, by any chance, have a cabaret?

Cabaret? Yes, we have cabaret.

Oh, in that case, I've got a little composition to put to you.

Oh, please, come to the pint, Jildi, Jildi, and talkie -talkie.

Don't serve that, Charter, I tell you.

Not sure what you're doing here. The sergeant major took it off batiks two

ago. I was enjoying myself.

You didn't see it if I asked first, because we've got a rant through. Come

let's be eminent.

None of you lip -gunner. I haven't finished cooking it yet.

Really? What is it? Cold salmon salad.

I saw your show last night.

Oh, yeah? Did you like it?

Bloody awful.

Call yourself comics.

I've seen funnier funerals.

I didn't think much of your Irish stew yesterday.

It was all fatty.

And eat about as much like a girl as King Kong.

If I may say so, I think your menu shows very little imagination.

Fancy serving Irish stew in 110 in the shade.

And chicken pudding for afters.

Look, I'm a qualified cook.

And when I get back to Civvy Street, I'm authorised to work at the Savoy and

such -like places.

Yeah, cleaning out the cars, eh?

about time, too.

I've been up since six o 'clock this morning preparing this meal, so come and

get it.

Corned beef, half an onion, a mango, bread and mud.

You think it was in the glasshouse?

Ah! Oh, come on, Tom.

I have part of you what's very important, you see, Tom. Not here,

to the basher. Tell him something about these flies, will you?

That's it, Tom.

What?

They give me colic.

A kind hawk has just pinched my

corned beef.

Well, what do you expect me to do about it, then?

Er, nothing.

Look at that.

I think they've managed a tablecloth.

I'm not that cheeky then, Randy. Watch out.

Charlie. What? You're not eating that onion.

What is it on my plate for?

We're doing the cheek -to -cheek number.

Well, you have one as well.

This is a terrible place.

A bird swooped and pinched my corned beef.

In Glasgow on a Saturday night, the birds will pinch more than your corned

It's the Errol Flynn of fucky old street.

Shut it up. This is great excitement.

What is that?

I will read for you every damn word.

Honest Bomber, dear Solomon, I am hearing, please, that you are very fine

concert and laughing and singing people.

Please will you be exposing your show on the floor at my club tonight.

I will be paying you, please.

50 rupees for try -on, and also seven portions of kofta curry with mango

and poppadom.

M. Singh, owner of Kama Sutra Club, Deolali.

Kama Sutra Club, that rings a bell.

Very well -known place, that.

I suppose they want some sort of a cabaret.

Of course, Kama Sutra Club. Oh, glory, it's the big time. Everybody in Deolali

goes there.

Must be a very big place.

They don't all go at the same time.

Sorry, is it sophisticated?

Oh, it's the heart of the elite. I mean, you get a cross -section of the entire

Asiatic hoi polloi.

Maharajas and Chinese mandarins.

Elegant dames on the arms of high -ranking diplomats. Oh, I can see it

shall step on the floor in me white tuxedo.

Grey tuxedo, sir.

No, I've got a grey tuxedo. Yes, you have, sir.

I've got one tuxedo and it's white. Not now, sir.

While doobie, while I was washing it, water buffalo walked into river.

I'll be off, sir!

Fellas, not a word.

Any complaints?

No, sir. No, sir.

Ooh,

getting local ladders now, are we?

Not from a baby, I hope. No, no, sir, something private. Oh, I'm not trying,

lovely boy, just having a little joke, you know.

Any complaints?

If I may say so, sir, the diet is extremely monotonous.

Monotonous? Extremely monotonous?

Monday you had corned beef hash, Tuesday you had corned beef fritters.

Today you've got cold corned beef.

What's monotonous about that?

Wasn't so much imagination, Sergeant Major. Not much imagination, Sergeant

Major.

Well, Mr. Lardy Dog, Gunner Graham, if you've got so much imagination, perhaps

you can tell the bombardier cook what else he can do with his corned beef.

Everything all right, sir?

Not bad, sir. The only trouble is that they get more or less the same thing

every day. Well, it's just as bad for the officers.

I'm fed up to the back teeth with chickens.

It's just the same for us from now.

When I was in the rags, the food was absolutely uneatable.

It was the worst two weeks of my life.

Carry on, Bombardier. Oh, and eat well, lovely boys, cos you need lots of energy

to put on them wonderful shows of yours.

Quite the update, though. Oh, never mind about him.

Randy, now, go and tell that geezer the calmest, suitless club we expect.

Now, listen,

fellas, we've got planning to do.

We'll go straight to the theatre and work out what material we're going to

Teak eye?

Teak eye.

Hello.

Is that Sergeant Major Stevens?

Speaking.

Taffy Williams, your Royal Artillery.

Oh, yes.

How are things in the military police, Cyril?

Oh, can't complain, really, Taff. Can't complain.

You, er, fancy nicking a few tonight?

I can't say I'd mind.

Good.

Because I've got it on very good authority that there'll be quite a bunch

British out of the ranks in a karma fruit to grab tonight.

In that case, my lads will have to pay you to visit, won't they?

I'll see you there, then.

Oh, no, you keep away.

Anyone I see in uniform goes inside.

Except military police, of course.

Oh, pity.

I'd quite like to see them knocked off.

See you later, mate. Bye for now.

Next show they'll do will be in the glasshouse.

Am I being rotten?

You'll be up for them.

It'll turn them into soldiers.

It's for their own good.

Oh, heck.

My boy Parkey.

He'll be with them.

Simple. I'll find something for him to do here in the office where I can keep

eye on him.

the income tax and everybody done.

It lets the side down, chap.

It lets the side down.

And Mr. Hor Balisha has had his eyebrows plucked. It lets the side down,

chap. It lets the side down.

Hang on, hang on.

Something is wrong.

Sully, do you think I'm overdoing the posh voice?

Why am I saying so? You really can't have a Western brother with a Scottish

accent. Make it a Northern brother.

No, we're doing the cabaret tonight. You can't put in new material.

You've got to try the tried and true.

I mean, that's the only way.

I mean, I'm doing my Jesse Matthews.

Over my shoulder goes one care.

Over my shoulder goes two care.

This audience is sophisticated, suave and subtle. I mean, we've got to give

some West End material.

Come on, let's try another voice. No, chef. Come on. It lets the side down,

chaps. It lets the side down.

It lets the side down, chaps. It lets the side down.

No, but you try.

It lets the side down, chaps. It lets the side down.

Possible.

Lofty.

It lets the side down, chaps. It lets the side down. Impossible.

I know.

I'll do it myself.

Oh, great. A Jewish Western brother.

All right, you try.

All right.

It lets the side down, chaps.

It lets the side down.

Great, a Western sister.

It lets the side down, chaps. It lets the side down.

Sorry, Sally.

It's marvellous. You've got the job. Try the second verse.

Wonderful.

The fast of Mr. Gandhi worried Burma and Bengal.

He sat there in his loincloth. The viceroy made a call.

And he found out it was only night starvation after all.

It's less to die down, chaps. It's less to die down.

Beautiful!

Oh, don't stop now, you boys. Carry on. Very good.

It's a bit sophisticated for our mob, isn't it?

Well, we thought we'd give it a try, you know.

Well, who knows best about these things, Bombardier?

Oh, by the way, you haven't got a show tonight, have you?

Er, no, Sergeant Major.

Well, good, because, as you know, if you had a show on tonight, I wouldn't spoil

it for the world. Oh, no.

But as you haven't got a show, get a parking.

There's a lot of filing to be done in the office, so you report there at 19

under hours. Marlowe?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Good.

Right, lovely boys, carry on with your rehearsal.

Would you believe?

Just when I found something I can do.

I'll tell you what, Solly, I'll go Epson.

No, he'll come looking for you.

I have been to Commerce Tutor Club, but it is not good news. It is out of

bounds. Oh, Kraven, that's all we need.

But, Sab, if you go there, naughty military police will lock you up in

Yeah, all right, Randy. I knew it was out of bounds. Well, if you knew that,

Sally, you should have told us. I was going to tell you, fellas, honest. I

wanted time to work things out.

I don't want to go to clinky. I'd get foot on.

We shouldn't take a chance.

Yeah, but look, we've been playing for all those swells instead of those sweaty

butch soldiers.

Oh, I think it's worth it.

Oh, Sab, you are so brave.

But if the place is crawling with a police, how are we going to get in?

It won't be crawling with a police. They raided it last week. They probably

won't go near there for a month.

Hey, Folly, we could go in disguise.

Aye, a Maharaja. I've always fancied myself as a Maharaja.

Folly, we could go as the ladies of the town.

I'll stick to being a Maharaja.

What you need is some sort of camouflage.

Each one of you needs something so you can merge with the background.

Don't be such clever dicky.

Look,

fellas, why don't you just leave it to your Uncle Sonny? I will personally

guarantee that you'll all merge with the background.

Come here.

I dream my dreams away.

Oh,

stop palliating, bloody fool.

You should have come in disguise. But you are in disguise, you silly fellow.

You are disguised as dirty chawala.

Oh, baby, here comes trouble.

He'd be ready.

Oh, sorry, sir.

I thought you were military police basket.

You make first -class brothers, isn't it?

Come on, fellas, hurry it up. I say, it's not very sophisticated.

Oh, it's all right. Come on, unload the cases.

That red lamp looks pretty.

Come on, let's get inside, quick.

Please to go away.

Good evening. We are the cabaret.

You are not cabaret.

You are military police basket.

Go away.

Randy, tell him.

I do not believe you are a concert party. He is doubting Tommy. Oh.

Prove it, that's right.

One, two, three, four.

Meet the gang cause the boys are here. The boys to entertain you. Two, three,

four. The music and laughter to help you on your way. To raise you up.

Nineteen hundred hours.

If my boy's coming here to do some filing, I better give him some filing to

Sir, do you see my stick?

Good heavens, what's happened?

I've no idea, sir.

What a pity.

Gunner Parkins was here a bit earlier to do some filing.

I told him there wasn't any filing to do and sent him off for the night.

I say, I'm a fool.

Ah, there it is.

Toodle -oo.

He'll have gone to that club.

I've got to stop the raid.

Where's the number of the military police?

Raid? They'll be on their way to the raid.

I've got to get my boy out of there.

Back home, they raised the income tax, so everybody ducked.

It lets the tide down, chaps. It lets the tide down.

I've never seen anything like it.

You said it was going to be sophisticated.

It's all cheap cigarettes and curry.

We'll probably get the richest crowd in later on. Oh, yeah.

After the bazaars close.

Shall we?

What? Men and women keep going upstairs.

Can you get into another club?

See, Gloria, it's going swell.

But, love, the flowers are still in the vases.

Hey. Hey, Buster.

Have you got a light?

Yeah, sure. Here, I'm here.

What's he doing here? We're hundreds of miles from the sea.

There's always a drunken American sailor in these sort of places.

Oh. Hi, sister.

Watch it.

One of those days.

Please, you go away.

Johnny.

Our sergeant -major's a fair cop. Oh, no, no, lovely boys, you know me. When

off parade, I can turn a blind eye with the best of them. No, no, you carry on.

Oh, thanks.

Listen to that.

Listen to that.

How dare you be telling me to take this rotten cabaret off?

It is the most lousy cabaret I have ever had.

Listen, Johnny, if I say it's a good cabaret, it is a good cabaret.

Here, sergeant -major, you mean you recommended us? Oh, I will, uh...

Go places like sea. I mean, I know it's hard for you to understand, but

underneath this chest beats a heart of gold. Come on, Harvey.

What's going on? What's going on?

Naughty military police are coming up road and they are going to knock on

sir.

Sir, by a fortune teller.

uniforms. Oh, you're a clever boy. I won't forget you for this.

We ain't got one for you.

Why are you looking at me?

Well, why not?

Oh, Sully, he did get us the date.

Yeah, all right, then. Now, quick, get your trousers off. Oh, Sully, what a man

of action you are.

Why some chaps were arrested, sir? I don't fancy going to a dive like that. I

mean, what's the attraction?

Well, that dam looks rather pretty.

We've got a jolly slack start.

Very bad at answering the door. OK, fellas, he's ready. Right, Randy, let

in. I'll take that.

Oh, come on, fellas.

Shoulders back. Try and look like real MP.

Can I stand on the stool?

What are you doing here? Evening, no. Just a routine call. Nothing much

happening here.

Come on, then.

That's funny.

I heard this place was going to be full of troops.

Oh, yeah, did you?

Yeah. Oh.

I had a tip -off from my pal B .S .M. Williams.

Oh, yeah?

A tip -off from B .S .M. Williams?

Well, that's funny, cos he... Oh, mamma mia, he not have been a year old, no?

By the way, there's lots of girls upstairs, you know.

Oh. Well, I suppose you might have a look around while we're here. Oh, yeah,

do that.

Come on, fellas, hurry up.

Slowly.

They're taking all sizes these days, aren't they?

That's funny.

Five went in and eight have come out.

Good evening, Sergeant Major.

What are you doing here?

Well, sir, I... Oh, heck, I can see I'm going to have to make a clean breast of

all this.

Colonel Saab, it is totally my fault, because I am telling Colonel Saab that

Chawala told me that Council Party was going to do dirty things on this floor.

The company, sir.

And knowing what I regard you as for them as I have myself, I was determined

save them, sir, and that is why I come here to get them out.

But, Colonel Stubb, they are not in, because Chawala is lying monkey.

Now, see, just one thing. Why are you dressed like... Oh, I know what you're

going to ask, sir. Why is I dressed like a clown? Yes.

Matter of fact, I was, yes. Well, it took me a long time to decide, sir, what

disguise to adapt.

And after what's happened to me tonight, I think I made the right choice.

You know, there is one very old Hindu proverb which says... That house with

lamp over door is not always headquarters of communist party.

B -O -Y -S boys to entertain you!