Original subtitles

Meet the gang, cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way, to raving the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With thong and sketching and jokes old and new, with us about you and Phil

So meet the gang, cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

Wake up, you idle fellow.

It is morning.

Lovely dream.

What are you dreaming of?

Don't be such a clever dickie.

I'm going to tend to your business.

You better hurry up and wake up the sergeant, Major. Oh, my God.

I was forgetting, with this terrible drought, water is only on for six

Stand by to have one steaming hot cup of tea ready for Saddam al -Assad.

How beautiful and peaceful looks, Sergeant Major Saab.

One cup of heavenly enchanted tea coming up.

Sergeant Major Saab.

In a minute, my lovely.

Then I'll have to go home.

Wake up, Sergeant Major Saab.

Shut up.

What time is it?

Quarter to six, Sergeant Major Saab. Down is breaking.

Is Sergeant Major Saab awake yet? Shut up!

He's awake.

Where's my tea?

Yes, Sergeant Major Saab. And don't forget, Sergeant Major Saab, that you

have six minutes to perform your absolutions.

After that, water will be turned off very quickly.

I'm not worried.

There's one shower for officers, one shower for the other ranks.

and one shower for Warrant Officers Classes 1 and 2.

And as I am the only Warrant Officer, Class 1, 2, or otherwise in this company

moment, I guess a shower to myself.

There's no doubt about it, a Battery Sergeant Major is the best job in the

British Army.

I need to watch it in six minutes.

It's not my fault there's a drought, Gloria.

Now, listen, fellas. When the water comes through, fill those chappies and

over to the basins with them, right?

Typical army.

Honestly, you'd think they'd have enough sense to extend the pipe so the tap was

over the basins, wouldn't you?

They've already tied that up.

But water not strong enough to make journey, sir.

Indian water very weak, sir.

Why the hell didn't they have the basins over here where the tap is?

What great blessing is university education?

Making our showers out of bounds.

I can't use them in any case.

Why not?

The door's too high.

Morning, Chef.

Morning, sir.

Enjoyed the show very much last night, Solomon's? Thank you very much, sir.

I must say, I like that new dress you were wearing, Beaumont.

I thought the split skirt was very sort of...

Very sort of... Thank you, sir.

Don't be too familiar with the other acts, Ashford.

No, but he's an artist, sir.

He's not like a normal soldier.

What?

You may have a point, then.

I look here, Ashford. We've only got six minutes.

So I'm going for four, and you can have two.

Oh, thank you very much.

We don't want to waste a second, so you hold the watch.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning, Sergeant Major.

Morning, lovely boys.

Morning, Sergeant Major.

Morning, Sergeant Major. What's the matter with you?

Looks half dead.

You want to be like me in the morning.

Bright, hand alert.

But then, I am a man.

I'm not a Nancy boy.

Who paints his face and punches about on the stage.

Get ready, Sergeant Major, sir.

Water coming in two minutes? Right.

And hang on to this, will you?

You've still got your hat on, sir.

Thanks.

You look like an umpire at Lord's, Ashford.

Don't forget something, Mr. Sam. You only have six minutes.

Six minutes of water?

I don't need all that.

Sir, how would you fancy a minute of my water?

That's okay, Sergeant Major. I have two minutes of the Colonel's.

What's he say, brother?

Sir, he say Barney now only going to be on three minutes.

Damn.

I'll have two minutes and you can have one.

That's not very long, sir.

Could I possibly come in with you?

All right.

Just this once.

Stand with your back to me, Ashley.

They're getting the chatties.

Quick.

Don't quick.

Use your mouth.

Come on, boys.

Quick. Pull the chain. You've got to put those baits in.

Pull the chain. Put your bunks down.

Right, right.

Come on, come on.

Come on, fellas.

Pass them back.

Thank you very much.

You're coming out.

I've been blocked.

So I didn't make this up.

Unscrew squatty thing.

Shut up.

There's a scorpion in the pipe.

Can I come in with you, sir?

I'll ask the colonel.

Excuse me, sir.

Don't turn around.

It's Sergeant Major, sir. He wants to come in with us.

There's no room.

Sorry, Sergeant Major. There's no room.

I'll make it up. I have killed Carbion, and it is now quite safe for you to

partake of shower.

Right.

He's gone off!

I can't have your shower, Sergeant Major.

I hope you didn't mind us laughing. We just couldn't help it, Sergeant Major.

We just couldn't help it, Sergeant Major.

Well, Mr. Lauderdale and Graham, I don't mind you laughing.

It's good for you.

But you know what they say, don't you?

He who laughs last, lasts longest.

Can I hug them?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Give me your hat, lovely boy.

Good, I'll get some stroke.

Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind. You're out!

Out. Hold this out under the waist pipe.

And when it's full of parney, pour it over me.

Plenty of parney, my loom. Plenty of parney. Good morning, my son, Mr. Saab.

Plenty of parney.

Pommadier. Saab. Pull the plug out of that sink.

That's my water. Saab!

of the second base.

Fair enough.

Dollar. That's as long as it's long.

Shall I?

Lovely hearty.

A special announcement.

During water shortage, my tea can be used either to drink or to shave in.

Holy smoke!

Oh, no!

Ranji! Ranji! Come out quickly!

Ranji! What did you do? Ranji! What the hell are you shouting for?

You ratty fool!

Have you been bitten by a snake or something?

Much worse than that. Huh?

Look!

Oh!

Go home.

I can hardly believe my own eye.

Who could have done such a terrible thing?

Some damn native must have crept in during night.

Go and take the bomb and dust off. Quickly. Go.

This must be covered up.

Hey, Ramzan. I must cover this up. Lend me your dhoti. No, no.

Lend it me at once.

Don't you feel ashamed to do it in the morning?

Indecent exposure.

Don't be such a damn Nancy boy.

There it is, somebody. It's our blood.

Oh, when Sergeant Major Sharp sees that, he'll go, start raiding men.

Where is he raiding? He's inspecting Charles Hearns, and he will be back any

moment. Oh, can't we change the stones round again?

It'll take hours.

Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Then T. Hearns is stinking dirty and manky, and if I have occasion to...

I thought we'd have a parade, Sergeant Major.

Shut up.

Why? Well, we rather wanted to parade, Sergeant Major.

All right, Mr. Lardy Dog. Gunner Graham, if you want a parade, you get a parade.

Right,

lovely boys.

Squad, shout!

Four paces forward!

of puss you is.

To think that a shower like you represents the British Army in India.

This Royal Artillery Devil has been here for over 100 years and generations of

brave gunners have marched on this square and proudly kept the Union Jack

flying.

They must be looking down from heaven at this moment and crying their eyes out.

See what it says there?

That is something to be proud of.

Something that will never change.

Never change.

As long as the sun beats down on the boon tea.

Bombardier. Sir. Who did this?

No idea, sir. Nothing to do with that.

Sarah. Who did this?

Nothing to do... Shut up.

What on earth's the matter with the Sergeant Major?

I will get them! I will get them!

It's like a touch of the sun, sir. Better get in his eyes.

Calm down, Sergeant Major, calm down. Come inside in the shade. Oh, you don't

understand, sir. They roped! They roped! Yes, I'm sure they did. Come inside.

Right -o, boys. Get them stones back there, proper order. Go on, now, move

yourself. Move! Come on, my dear chap. You'll soon feel better.

Oh, Farmer Decker.

I, who have seen what a buffalo in rage, have never seen anything so terrible as

this.

He's gone.

He has definitely gone.

Feeling better now, Sergeant Major?

Yes, thank you, sir.

I'm sorry about that.

It was just a sight of... Let his pegs go.

Yes, yes, most aggravating.

We must find the culprit, sir.

We must find him.

Yes, yes, I realise that, but things at the moment are a bit delicate.

I do not quite understand, sir. Well, there's a new district officer arriving

this morning.

For a more reason, we should find out who did it, sir. Yes, but the fact is

district officer is an Indian.

A Hindu.

Yes.

As you know, we're giving India home rule after the war, but in the meantime,

need their help to fight the Japs, so we don't want to do anything that would

upset them.

In fact, things are a little bit this way and that way, eh, Ashwin? Oh, yes,

sir, very much this way and that way.

Anyway, we're going over to the mess now to meet this new chappy, so we'll just

keep things a bit calm, eh?

Don't want to upset the natives.

Carry on, President.

Good, sir. Carry on. Carry on, chaps.

It's a bit of a cheat, you know, Solly. I mean, them Indians using our stones to

write rude things.

I mean, we all want to go home, but we're not pigs.

Right, come on, you lot.

Get on with them stones.

Boo yourselves, boo yourselves.

What's the Colonel going to do about this, Sergeant Major?

The Colonel Bombardier is not going to do nothing.

He says we've got to keep calm and not upset the natives.

I think he's very wise, Sergeant Major.

I think he's very wise, Sergeant Major.

Well, let me tell you, Mr. Lauderdale, Gunner Gray, and we British is the

masters here.

And as long as that Union Jack continues to fly from that...

What

is that?

Looks like the Indian national flag, Sergeant Major.

The Indian national, shut up.

Is that it again?

Is that it again? Get it out!

The pin.

He thinks they're clever, don't he?

Well, I am clever than he is.

Can I say something?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

That's the fire hacks.

I am going to prove that I am more clever than what they are.

More cunning and more subtle.

What are you going to do?

Chop the bloody poor guy!

Once again, British ingenuity and cunning have got the better of these

natives.

Oh, Tom, what a man and what a huge tenacity he has.

Go on, Johnny, Johnny. What are you going to do?

You will see, bombardier. Well, don't forget what the colonel said. We mustn't

upset the natives.

Stuff the natives.

All right, you lot.

Get your rifles and bayonets.

I am going to root out all subservient elements in his camp once and for all.

I really must congratulate you, sir, on

being appointed district governor, sir.

Thank you.

It is about time we Indians were running our own affairs.

I'm sure you'll do it awfully well, sir.

We certainly couldn't make a worse mess of it than you.

I see that's not fair, sir.

Name me one good thing the British have done in their 200 years in India.

Well, we did abolish sooty.

Sooty?

What's that?

Many years ago, it was a custom when an Indian lady became a widow for her to

throw herself on the funeral pyre and die with her husband.

I wish my mother -in -law had done that when she became a widow.

That's all you British can do, make silly jokes.

You wouldn't think it's that silly if you knew my mother -in -law.

And don't forget, we did build the railways in 1845.

If we Indians had been in charge, they would have been built in 1825.

But they weren't invented then. That's beside the point.

You must admit, sir, we did teach you to drink tea.

We Indians had been drinking tea for hundreds of years before you British

here. Maybe, but not with sugar and milk.

And certainly not with bread and butter and jam.

There are millions of Indians that have never even tasted butter and jam.

Well, sir, one thing I can assure you, we do treat the Indian camp staff

extremely well, eh, Ashford? Oh, yes. We're just like one big happy family.

FISH BINER!

Oh, sorry, Mr. Saab. Please do not ask me to do such a thing.

Burn this palag!

I'm very sorry. I have no matches.

Whose side are you on?

Depends on who I'm talking to at the time.

Right.

I'll show you what I think of your tin pot wrap.

What is going on here?

Why are those soldiers threatening these poor Indians?

You! You! What are you doing?

That is our glorious national flag.

How dare you?

Who is this barbarian?

Oh, you haven't been introduced, have you? This is better, Sergeant.

Colonel,

I demand an explanation.

Yes. What on earth is going on, Sergeant?

That's filthy right up instead.

Well, this is very serious, sir. You see, that is... That was our flag.

Yes, and we can't have a foreign flag on our pole.

Foreign? What are you talking about, foreign?

Your flag is a foreign flag. Our flag is our flag.

Colonel, you are the foreigners here.

I demand you arrest that man, put him in chains, and incarcerate him.

Alas.

Very well, then.

We will do it the British way.

That man will apologize to us all.

I want everyone here on parade tomorrow morning at 1100 o 'clock.

And I want a full apology.

That's all.

Couldn't we just buy him a new flag, sir? Oh, do it.

Three chairs for dirty.

What's happening, Randy?

Colonel Saab has told Sergeant Major Saab that he has to apologise to that

native.

Where's the Sergeant Major now?

He's sitting in his bus, Saab. He's smouldering like a heap of cow dung.

I can't wait for the Sergeant Major to apologise. The chickens are coming home

to roost all right.

I don't think he will apologise.

He might be a bastard, but he's a tough bastard.

He'll have to apologise, otherwise he'll get court -martialed.

Well, it's good riddance for bad rubbish.

Listen, as long as he's here and thinks Park is his son, we won't get posted up

the jungle. If he goes, we might get someone worse.

But, Bomber, dear sir, British Army is stuffed full of fierce sergeant major

do not take kindly to British soldiers on stage dressed up as doughnuts.

Tarts.

You see, fellas, You see, I think we ought to help him.

Well, I know he isn't my dad, but he thinks he is.

Anyway, he keeps telling me I've got nice shoulders and how good -looking I

My dad thinks I'm good -looking.

Drinks a lot, does he?

Right, that's it, fellas. It's settled. We help him.

Paderewski, you're the one with the university education. Get working on it.

Sergeant Major Tops, I cannot believe that a man so upstanding and right up as

you are, a man so famous and feared throughout the whole camp, a man known

throughout the whole district for his wonderful bull, should have to apologize

to some damn native.

I'm not going to do it.

Sergeant Major Tops, if you refuse, they will marshal your carts, and you will

be rendered down to ranks.

Sergeant Major Saab, with your permission, I would like to tell you one

Many years ago, my father was bearer to young British Officer Saab who came out

to India to forget because he had formed attachment with a very high caste lady

in Blighty.

Now, I do not know the whole story, but he was a member of a very high caste

club called Boodles.

and he had made her member of a very low -caste club called Puddings.

What's that got to do with me?

I don't know, Sergeant Major Saab, but he used to walk up and down, up and down

all the time, just like you.

Shut up.

Hey, you!

Imperialist lackey!

Sir?

Kindly inform the Colonel that it is 1100 o 'clock and we are all waiting for

the Sergeant Major to apologise.

Well,

better get on with it, I suppose.

Ready, Sergeant Major?

The words will stick in my throat, sir.

I feel it's more like telling him to get stuffed.

Perhaps it would help if you kept your fingers crossed behind your back.

Come in.

Excuse me, Colonel Tharpe, but District Officer Tharpe asked me to tell you,

Tharpe, that he is waiting.

We're just coming.

Oh, Colonel Tharpe, what a terrible day this is for us.

We British will never be able to hold up here again.

Oh, come along, Tharpe.

Sir, I cannot do it.

Well, you must.

Don't worry, we're right behind you.

Well, get on with it, Sergeant Major.

Excuse me, Colonel. What the hell are you doing, Bombardier? I think we can

the Sergeant Major out of this, sir. Have I your permission to go ahead?

Well, um, I don't know.

What do you think, Atherton? Oh, yes, sir. Anything, anything. I can't stand

this embarrassment.

Carry on, Bombardier. Thank you, sir.

Honoured sir, we feel we are all responsible for what has happened.

Now, a man of your position and importance doesn't want an ordinary

So we would like to give you this, and believe me, sir, it comes straight from

the heart.

Take it away, Professor.

We make mistakes when we walk...

It's a funny old world, but like the good book says, every cloud has a silver

lining.

And the man who's never made a mistake, never made anything at all.

Now, just remember, folks.

We've got them, Gloria.

Start bottling.

Once again, we British have compounded the situation.

You know, there is a very old Hindu proverb which says, if you have to eat

humble pie, make sure you have plenty of jam on it.

Hey, hey, hey. The boys to entertain you.

B -O -Y -S.

Boys to entertain you.