1 00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:08,330 Meet the gang, cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you. 2 00:00:08,970 --> 00:00:14,010 With music and laughter to help you on your way, to raving the rafters with a 3 00:00:14,010 --> 00:00:15,010 hey, hey, hey. 4 00:00:15,030 --> 00:00:20,670 With thong and sketching and jokes old and new, with us about you and Phil 5 00:00:20,810 --> 00:00:25,910 So meet the gang, cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you. 6 00:00:26,690 --> 00:00:31,810 B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you. 7 00:00:55,690 --> 00:00:56,690 Wake up, you idle fellow. 8 00:00:56,770 --> 00:00:57,770 It is morning. 9 00:01:00,210 --> 00:01:02,310 Lovely dream. 10 00:01:03,070 --> 00:01:04,330 What are you dreaming of? 11 00:01:10,990 --> 00:01:12,510 Don't be such a clever dickie. 12 00:01:14,050 --> 00:01:15,170 I'm going to tend to your business. 13 00:01:18,190 --> 00:01:23,170 You better hurry up and wake up the sergeant, Major. Oh, my God. 14 00:01:23,530 --> 00:01:27,430 I was forgetting, with this terrible drought, water is only on for six 15 00:01:27,910 --> 00:01:32,050 Stand by to have one steaming hot cup of tea ready for Saddam al -Assad. 16 00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:56,520 How beautiful and peaceful looks, Sergeant Major Saab. 17 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:03,980 One cup of heavenly enchanted tea coming up. 18 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:07,480 Sergeant Major Saab. 19 00:02:09,199 --> 00:02:10,660 In a minute, my lovely. 20 00:02:12,460 --> 00:02:14,000 Then I'll have to go home. 21 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,100 Wake up, Sergeant Major Saab. 22 00:02:18,940 --> 00:02:19,960 Shut up. 23 00:02:21,860 --> 00:02:22,880 What time is it? 24 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:26,480 Quarter to six, Sergeant Major Saab. Down is breaking. 25 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,640 Is Sergeant Major Saab awake yet? Shut up! 26 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,400 He's awake. 27 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:32,880 Where's my tea? 28 00:02:33,340 --> 00:02:38,100 Yes, Sergeant Major Saab. And don't forget, Sergeant Major Saab, that you 29 00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:40,640 have six minutes to perform your absolutions. 30 00:02:42,540 --> 00:02:45,340 After that, water will be turned off very quickly. 31 00:02:46,260 --> 00:02:47,320 I'm not worried. 32 00:02:47,540 --> 00:02:50,440 There's one shower for officers, one shower for the other ranks. 33 00:02:50,810 --> 00:02:53,170 and one shower for Warrant Officers Classes 1 and 2. 34 00:02:53,370 --> 00:02:56,950 And as I am the only Warrant Officer, Class 1, 2, or otherwise in this company 35 00:02:56,950 --> 00:02:58,810 moment, I guess a shower to myself. 36 00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:03,530 There's no doubt about it, a Battery Sergeant Major is the best job in the 37 00:03:03,530 --> 00:03:04,530 British Army. 38 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:25,560 I need to watch it in six minutes. 39 00:03:25,860 --> 00:03:27,560 It's not my fault there's a drought, Gloria. 40 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,680 Now, listen, fellas. When the water comes through, fill those chappies and 41 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:32,900 over to the basins with them, right? 42 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:34,400 Typical army. 43 00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:37,820 Honestly, you'd think they'd have enough sense to extend the pipe so the tap was 44 00:03:37,820 --> 00:03:38,820 over the basins, wouldn't you? 45 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,360 They've already tied that up. 46 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,640 But water not strong enough to make journey, sir. 47 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,740 Indian water very weak, sir. 48 00:03:47,180 --> 00:03:49,840 Why the hell didn't they have the basins over here where the tap is? 49 00:03:55,850 --> 00:03:58,270 What great blessing is university education? 50 00:03:59,710 --> 00:04:01,690 Making our showers out of bounds. 51 00:04:01,990 --> 00:04:03,710 I can't use them in any case. 52 00:04:04,190 --> 00:04:05,190 Why not? 53 00:04:05,350 --> 00:04:06,610 The door's too high. 54 00:04:11,550 --> 00:04:12,550 Morning, Chef. 55 00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:14,250 Morning, sir. 56 00:04:15,330 --> 00:04:18,209 Enjoyed the show very much last night, Solomon's? Thank you very much, sir. 57 00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:21,529 I must say, I like that new dress you were wearing, Beaumont. 58 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:24,170 I thought the split skirt was very sort of... 59 00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:27,060 Very sort of... Thank you, sir. 60 00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:30,960 Don't be too familiar with the other acts, Ashford. 61 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,860 No, but he's an artist, sir. 62 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:34,540 He's not like a normal soldier. 63 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:35,840 What? 64 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:40,740 You may have a point, then. 65 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:44,580 I look here, Ashford. We've only got six minutes. 66 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,680 So I'm going for four, and you can have two. 67 00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:49,240 Oh, thank you very much. 68 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:52,240 We don't want to waste a second, so you hold the watch. 69 00:04:59,330 --> 00:05:00,330 Morning, gentlemen. 70 00:05:00,770 --> 00:05:01,770 Morning, Sergeant Major. 71 00:05:02,110 --> 00:05:03,110 Morning, lovely boys. 72 00:05:03,430 --> 00:05:05,170 Morning, Sergeant Major. 73 00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:08,790 Morning, Sergeant Major. What's the matter with you? 74 00:05:09,590 --> 00:05:10,590 Looks half dead. 75 00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:12,090 You want to be like me in the morning. 76 00:05:12,690 --> 00:05:13,790 Bright, hand alert. 77 00:05:14,310 --> 00:05:16,570 But then, I am a man. 78 00:05:16,930 --> 00:05:18,150 I'm not a Nancy boy. 79 00:05:20,110 --> 00:05:22,350 Who paints his face and punches about on the stage. 80 00:05:22,950 --> 00:05:24,390 Get ready, Sergeant Major, sir. 81 00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:26,760 Water coming in two minutes? Right. 82 00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:28,680 And hang on to this, will you? 83 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:33,820 You've still got your hat on, sir. 84 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:36,240 Thanks. 85 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,660 You look like an umpire at Lord's, Ashford. 86 00:05:48,460 --> 00:05:51,120 Don't forget something, Mr. Sam. You only have six minutes. 87 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:54,840 Six minutes of water? 88 00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:56,080 I don't need all that. 89 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,540 Sir, how would you fancy a minute of my water? 90 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:02,940 That's okay, Sergeant Major. I have two minutes of the Colonel's. 91 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,300 What's he say, brother? 92 00:06:10,860 --> 00:06:15,940 Sir, he say Barney now only going to be on three minutes. 93 00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:17,900 Damn. 94 00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:20,740 I'll have two minutes and you can have one. 95 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:22,380 That's not very long, sir. 96 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,000 Could I possibly come in with you? 97 00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:26,699 All right. 98 00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:27,700 Just this once. 99 00:06:36,820 --> 00:06:38,300 Stand with your back to me, Ashley. 100 00:06:59,310 --> 00:07:00,310 They're getting the chatties. 101 00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:02,130 Quick. 102 00:07:03,750 --> 00:07:04,750 Don't quick. 103 00:07:05,070 --> 00:07:06,070 Use your mouth. 104 00:07:06,350 --> 00:07:07,350 Come on, boys. 105 00:07:07,410 --> 00:07:09,670 Quick. Pull the chain. You've got to put those baits in. 106 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,790 Pull the chain. Put your bunks down. 107 00:07:14,730 --> 00:07:15,730 Right, right. 108 00:07:16,430 --> 00:07:17,430 Come on, come on. 109 00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:20,550 Come on, fellas. 110 00:07:21,450 --> 00:07:22,450 Pass them back. 111 00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:23,610 Thank you very much. 112 00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:24,650 You're coming out. 113 00:07:25,670 --> 00:07:26,670 I've been blocked. 114 00:07:26,730 --> 00:07:27,730 So I didn't make this up. 115 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:29,200 Unscrew squatty thing. 116 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:30,720 Shut up. 117 00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:33,800 There's a scorpion in the pipe. 118 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,160 Can I come in with you, sir? 119 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:42,780 I'll ask the colonel. 120 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:44,100 Excuse me, sir. 121 00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:45,180 Don't turn around. 122 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,140 It's Sergeant Major, sir. He wants to come in with us. 123 00:07:51,140 --> 00:07:52,140 There's no room. 124 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,340 Sorry, Sergeant Major. There's no room. 125 00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:01,200 I'll make it up. I have killed Carbion, and it is now quite safe for you to 126 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,200 partake of shower. 127 00:08:03,020 --> 00:08:04,020 Right. 128 00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:10,300 He's gone off! 129 00:08:28,780 --> 00:08:30,020 I can't have your shower, Sergeant Major. 130 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:34,860 I hope you didn't mind us laughing. We just couldn't help it, Sergeant Major. 131 00:08:35,419 --> 00:08:36,820 We just couldn't help it, Sergeant Major. 132 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,980 Well, Mr. Lauderdale and Graham, I don't mind you laughing. 133 00:08:42,860 --> 00:08:43,860 It's good for you. 134 00:08:44,380 --> 00:08:45,840 But you know what they say, don't you? 135 00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:48,520 He who laughs last, lasts longest. 136 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:50,640 Can I hug them? 137 00:08:52,380 --> 00:08:53,380 Yes, Sergeant Major. 138 00:08:53,820 --> 00:08:54,980 Give me your hat, lovely boy. 139 00:08:55,980 --> 00:08:57,160 Good, I'll get some stroke. 140 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,280 Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind. You're out! 141 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,760 Out. Hold this out under the waist pipe. 142 00:09:06,180 --> 00:09:08,120 And when it's full of parney, pour it over me. 143 00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:11,640 Plenty of parney, my loom. Plenty of parney. Good morning, my son, Mr. Saab. 144 00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:12,740 Plenty of parney. 145 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:16,840 Pommadier. Saab. Pull the plug out of that sink. 146 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,040 That's my water. Saab! 147 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,080 of the second base. 148 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,340 Fair enough. 149 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,520 Dollar. That's as long as it's long. 150 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:47,820 Shall I? 151 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,000 Lovely hearty. 152 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,440 A special announcement. 153 00:09:53,300 --> 00:10:00,240 During water shortage, my tea can be used either to drink or to shave in. 154 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:07,220 Holy smoke! 155 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:08,920 Oh, no! 156 00:10:09,220 --> 00:10:12,160 Ranji! Ranji! Come out quickly! 157 00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:17,140 Ranji! What did you do? Ranji! What the hell are you shouting for? 158 00:10:17,580 --> 00:10:18,900 You ratty fool! 159 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:22,440 Have you been bitten by a snake or something? 160 00:10:23,020 --> 00:10:24,900 Much worse than that. Huh? 161 00:10:25,140 --> 00:10:26,140 Look! 162 00:10:26,580 --> 00:10:27,580 Oh! 163 00:10:31,650 --> 00:10:32,650 Go home. 164 00:10:33,970 --> 00:10:36,150 I can hardly believe my own eye. 165 00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,630 Who could have done such a terrible thing? 166 00:10:39,530 --> 00:10:41,910 Some damn native must have crept in during night. 167 00:10:43,330 --> 00:10:45,170 Go and take the bomb and dust off. Quickly. Go. 168 00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:47,510 This must be covered up. 169 00:10:48,950 --> 00:10:52,490 Hey, Ramzan. I must cover this up. Lend me your dhoti. No, no. 170 00:10:52,910 --> 00:10:53,910 Lend it me at once. 171 00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:56,330 Don't you feel ashamed to do it in the morning? 172 00:10:57,270 --> 00:10:58,270 Indecent exposure. 173 00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:01,930 Don't be such a damn Nancy boy. 174 00:11:03,810 --> 00:11:05,510 There it is, somebody. It's our blood. 175 00:11:06,090 --> 00:11:09,910 Oh, when Sergeant Major Sharp sees that, he'll go, start raiding men. 176 00:11:10,210 --> 00:11:13,690 Where is he raiding? He's inspecting Charles Hearns, and he will be back any 177 00:11:13,690 --> 00:11:16,050 moment. Oh, can't we change the stones round again? 178 00:11:16,390 --> 00:11:17,390 It'll take hours. 179 00:11:18,070 --> 00:11:19,130 Shut up! 180 00:11:19,410 --> 00:11:23,710 Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 181 00:11:24,130 --> 00:11:27,890 Then T. Hearns is stinking dirty and manky, and if I have occasion to... 182 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,740 I thought we'd have a parade, Sergeant Major. 183 00:11:35,380 --> 00:11:36,380 Shut up. 184 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:40,800 Why? Well, we rather wanted to parade, Sergeant Major. 185 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:44,120 All right, Mr. Lardy Dog. Gunner Graham, if you want a parade, you get a parade. 186 00:11:46,380 --> 00:11:47,380 Right, 187 00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:49,900 lovely boys. 188 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,100 Squad, shout! 189 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:52,780 Four paces forward! 190 00:12:05,260 --> 00:12:06,260 of puss you is. 191 00:12:09,420 --> 00:12:13,100 To think that a shower like you represents the British Army in India. 192 00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:20,100 This Royal Artillery Devil has been here for over 100 years and generations of 193 00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:23,280 brave gunners have marched on this square and proudly kept the Union Jack 194 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,280 flying. 195 00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:29,980 They must be looking down from heaven at this moment and crying their eyes out. 196 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,020 See what it says there? 197 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,280 That is something to be proud of. 198 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,980 Something that will never change. 199 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,080 Never change. 200 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,820 As long as the sun beats down on the boon tea. 201 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:02,840 Bombardier. Sir. Who did this? 202 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:04,540 No idea, sir. Nothing to do with that. 203 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:08,000 Sarah. Who did this? 204 00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:09,820 Nothing to do... Shut up. 205 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,120 What on earth's the matter with the Sergeant Major? 206 00:13:27,420 --> 00:13:29,180 I will get them! I will get them! 207 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,060 It's like a touch of the sun, sir. Better get in his eyes. 208 00:13:32,460 --> 00:13:35,460 Calm down, Sergeant Major, calm down. Come inside in the shade. Oh, you don't 209 00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:38,880 understand, sir. They roped! They roped! Yes, I'm sure they did. Come inside. 210 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,360 Right -o, boys. Get them stones back there, proper order. Go on, now, move 211 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,620 yourself. Move! Come on, my dear chap. You'll soon feel better. 212 00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:46,560 Oh, Farmer Decker. 213 00:13:46,980 --> 00:13:51,760 I, who have seen what a buffalo in rage, have never seen anything so terrible as 214 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:52,760 this. 215 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,120 He's gone. 216 00:13:54,220 --> 00:13:55,460 He has definitely gone. 217 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,000 Feeling better now, Sergeant Major? 218 00:13:57,460 --> 00:13:58,460 Yes, thank you, sir. 219 00:13:58,800 --> 00:13:59,860 I'm sorry about that. 220 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,920 It was just a sight of... Let his pegs go. 221 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:04,440 Yes, yes, most aggravating. 222 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,200 We must find the culprit, sir. 223 00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:08,980 We must find him. 224 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,220 Yes, yes, I realise that, but things at the moment are a bit delicate. 225 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,680 I do not quite understand, sir. Well, there's a new district officer arriving 226 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:17,680 this morning. 227 00:14:17,780 --> 00:14:21,300 For a more reason, we should find out who did it, sir. Yes, but the fact is 228 00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:23,200 district officer is an Indian. 229 00:14:28,290 --> 00:14:29,290 A Hindu. 230 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:30,390 Yes. 231 00:14:30,450 --> 00:14:34,170 As you know, we're giving India home rule after the war, but in the meantime, 232 00:14:34,170 --> 00:14:37,030 need their help to fight the Japs, so we don't want to do anything that would 233 00:14:37,030 --> 00:14:37,869 upset them. 234 00:14:37,870 --> 00:14:41,250 In fact, things are a little bit this way and that way, eh, Ashwin? Oh, yes, 235 00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:42,770 sir, very much this way and that way. 236 00:14:43,390 --> 00:14:46,490 Anyway, we're going over to the mess now to meet this new chappy, so we'll just 237 00:14:46,490 --> 00:14:47,530 keep things a bit calm, eh? 238 00:14:47,910 --> 00:14:49,090 Don't want to upset the natives. 239 00:14:50,410 --> 00:14:51,410 Carry on, President. 240 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,380 Good, sir. Carry on. Carry on, chaps. 241 00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:07,600 It's a bit of a cheat, you know, Solly. I mean, them Indians using our stones to 242 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:08,600 write rude things. 243 00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:12,240 I mean, we all want to go home, but we're not pigs. 244 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,000 Right, come on, you lot. 245 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:17,640 Get on with them stones. 246 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:18,840 Boo yourselves, boo yourselves. 247 00:15:18,980 --> 00:15:20,520 What's the Colonel going to do about this, Sergeant Major? 248 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,080 The Colonel Bombardier is not going to do nothing. 249 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:26,680 He says we've got to keep calm and not upset the natives. 250 00:15:26,900 --> 00:15:28,400 I think he's very wise, Sergeant Major. 251 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:30,520 I think he's very wise, Sergeant Major. 252 00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:34,780 Well, let me tell you, Mr. Lauderdale, Gunner Gray, and we British is the 253 00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:35,780 masters here. 254 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:39,160 And as long as that Union Jack continues to fly from that... 255 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:46,820 What 256 00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:48,400 is that? 257 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,920 Looks like the Indian national flag, Sergeant Major. 258 00:15:52,460 --> 00:15:53,740 The Indian national, shut up. 259 00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:56,180 Is that it again? 260 00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:57,780 Is that it again? Get it out! 261 00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:09,620 The pin. 262 00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,000 He thinks they're clever, don't he? 263 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,180 Well, I am clever than he is. 264 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:14,499 Can I say something? 265 00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:15,299 Yes, Sergeant Major. 266 00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:16,300 That's the fire hacks. 267 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,900 I am going to prove that I am more clever than what they are. 268 00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:23,260 More cunning and more subtle. 269 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:24,560 What are you going to do? 270 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:27,140 Chop the bloody poor guy! 271 00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:32,600 Once again, British ingenuity and cunning have got the better of these 272 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,600 natives. 273 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:58,180 Oh, Tom, what a man and what a huge tenacity he has. 274 00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:39,000 Go on, Johnny, Johnny. What are you going to do? 275 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,480 You will see, bombardier. Well, don't forget what the colonel said. We mustn't 276 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:43,299 upset the natives. 277 00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:44,300 Stuff the natives. 278 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:47,560 All right, you lot. 279 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,440 Get your rifles and bayonets. 280 00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:53,940 I am going to root out all subservient elements in his camp once and for all. 281 00:17:54,580 --> 00:18:01,460 I really must congratulate you, sir, on 282 00:18:01,460 --> 00:18:02,700 being appointed district governor, sir. 283 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:03,900 Thank you. 284 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:06,720 It is about time we Indians were running our own affairs. 285 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,700 I'm sure you'll do it awfully well, sir. 286 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,080 We certainly couldn't make a worse mess of it than you. 287 00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:14,660 I see that's not fair, sir. 288 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:18,360 Name me one good thing the British have done in their 200 years in India. 289 00:18:18,820 --> 00:18:20,200 Well, we did abolish sooty. 290 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:21,700 Sooty? 291 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:23,600 What's that? 292 00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:28,000 Many years ago, it was a custom when an Indian lady became a widow for her to 293 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,620 throw herself on the funeral pyre and die with her husband. 294 00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:33,180 I wish my mother -in -law had done that when she became a widow. 295 00:18:34,909 --> 00:18:37,750 That's all you British can do, make silly jokes. 296 00:18:38,110 --> 00:18:39,830 You wouldn't think it's that silly if you knew my mother -in -law. 297 00:18:40,850 --> 00:18:43,710 And don't forget, we did build the railways in 1845. 298 00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:48,730 If we Indians had been in charge, they would have been built in 1825. 299 00:18:49,850 --> 00:18:52,350 But they weren't invented then. That's beside the point. 300 00:18:53,330 --> 00:18:55,550 You must admit, sir, we did teach you to drink tea. 301 00:18:56,130 --> 00:19:01,110 We Indians had been drinking tea for hundreds of years before you British 302 00:19:01,110 --> 00:19:02,890 here. Maybe, but not with sugar and milk. 303 00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:05,760 And certainly not with bread and butter and jam. 304 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:11,580 There are millions of Indians that have never even tasted butter and jam. 305 00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:15,340 Well, sir, one thing I can assure you, we do treat the Indian camp staff 306 00:19:15,340 --> 00:19:19,540 extremely well, eh, Ashford? Oh, yes. We're just like one big happy family. 307 00:19:19,980 --> 00:19:21,160 FISH BINER! 308 00:19:58,380 --> 00:20:01,180 Oh, sorry, Mr. Saab. Please do not ask me to do such a thing. 309 00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:03,680 Burn this palag! 310 00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:06,460 I'm very sorry. I have no matches. 311 00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,380 Whose side are you on? 312 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,340 Depends on who I'm talking to at the time. 313 00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:18,300 Right. 314 00:20:21,740 --> 00:20:24,540 I'll show you what I think of your tin pot wrap. 315 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:33,840 What is going on here? 316 00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:37,360 Why are those soldiers threatening these poor Indians? 317 00:20:38,220 --> 00:20:41,180 You! You! What are you doing? 318 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,240 That is our glorious national flag. 319 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:45,480 How dare you? 320 00:20:45,660 --> 00:20:48,020 Who is this barbarian? 321 00:20:48,220 --> 00:20:50,720 Oh, you haven't been introduced, have you? This is better, Sergeant. 322 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:53,880 Colonel, 323 00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:56,680 I demand an explanation. 324 00:20:57,060 --> 00:20:58,880 Yes. What on earth is going on, Sergeant? 325 00:21:04,620 --> 00:21:05,620 That's filthy right up instead. 326 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:11,440 Well, this is very serious, sir. You see, that is... That was our flag. 327 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,980 Yes, and we can't have a foreign flag on our pole. 328 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,880 Foreign? What are you talking about, foreign? 329 00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:21,300 Your flag is a foreign flag. Our flag is our flag. 330 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,660 Colonel, you are the foreigners here. 331 00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:30,420 I demand you arrest that man, put him in chains, and incarcerate him. 332 00:21:31,380 --> 00:21:32,380 Alas. 333 00:21:37,260 --> 00:21:38,199 Very well, then. 334 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,220 We will do it the British way. 335 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,180 That man will apologize to us all. 336 00:21:44,900 --> 00:21:49,860 I want everyone here on parade tomorrow morning at 1100 o 'clock. 337 00:21:50,180 --> 00:21:52,260 And I want a full apology. 338 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:53,600 That's all. 339 00:21:55,820 --> 00:21:58,180 Couldn't we just buy him a new flag, sir? Oh, do it. 340 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,640 Three chairs for dirty. 341 00:22:05,060 --> 00:22:06,060 What's happening, Randy? 342 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:11,820 Colonel Saab has told Sergeant Major Saab that he has to apologise to that 343 00:22:11,820 --> 00:22:12,820 native. 344 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:14,900 Where's the Sergeant Major now? 345 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:19,200 He's sitting in his bus, Saab. He's smouldering like a heap of cow dung. 346 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:26,200 I can't wait for the Sergeant Major to apologise. The chickens are coming home 347 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,200 to roost all right. 348 00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:28,860 I don't think he will apologise. 349 00:22:29,300 --> 00:22:32,180 He might be a bastard, but he's a tough bastard. 350 00:22:32,430 --> 00:22:35,190 He'll have to apologise, otherwise he'll get court -martialed. 351 00:22:35,410 --> 00:22:37,750 Well, it's good riddance for bad rubbish. 352 00:22:38,010 --> 00:22:42,430 Listen, as long as he's here and thinks Park is his son, we won't get posted up 353 00:22:42,430 --> 00:22:44,430 the jungle. If he goes, we might get someone worse. 354 00:22:44,850 --> 00:22:49,310 But, Bomber, dear sir, British Army is stuffed full of fierce sergeant major 355 00:22:49,310 --> 00:22:53,350 do not take kindly to British soldiers on stage dressed up as doughnuts. 356 00:22:56,350 --> 00:22:57,350 Tarts. 357 00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:02,370 You see, fellas, You see, I think we ought to help him. 358 00:23:02,950 --> 00:23:05,970 Well, I know he isn't my dad, but he thinks he is. 359 00:23:06,350 --> 00:23:09,730 Anyway, he keeps telling me I've got nice shoulders and how good -looking I 360 00:23:09,810 --> 00:23:12,270 My dad thinks I'm good -looking. 361 00:23:15,650 --> 00:23:16,730 Drinks a lot, does he? 362 00:23:18,790 --> 00:23:20,950 Right, that's it, fellas. It's settled. We help him. 363 00:23:21,270 --> 00:23:24,010 Paderewski, you're the one with the university education. Get working on it. 364 00:23:30,730 --> 00:23:35,830 Sergeant Major Tops, I cannot believe that a man so upstanding and right up as 365 00:23:35,830 --> 00:23:42,350 you are, a man so famous and feared throughout the whole camp, a man known 366 00:23:42,350 --> 00:23:48,250 throughout the whole district for his wonderful bull, should have to apologize 367 00:23:48,250 --> 00:23:49,450 to some damn native. 368 00:23:49,750 --> 00:23:50,890 I'm not going to do it. 369 00:23:51,250 --> 00:23:57,510 Sergeant Major Tops, if you refuse, they will marshal your carts, and you will 370 00:23:57,510 --> 00:23:58,630 be rendered down to ranks. 371 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,500 Sergeant Major Saab, with your permission, I would like to tell you one 372 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:10,500 Many years ago, my father was bearer to young British Officer Saab who came out 373 00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:16,140 to India to forget because he had formed attachment with a very high caste lady 374 00:24:16,140 --> 00:24:17,140 in Blighty. 375 00:24:17,580 --> 00:24:23,700 Now, I do not know the whole story, but he was a member of a very high caste 376 00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:25,140 club called Boodles. 377 00:24:25,740 --> 00:24:30,200 and he had made her member of a very low -caste club called Puddings. 378 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:37,400 What's that got to do with me? 379 00:24:37,820 --> 00:24:42,500 I don't know, Sergeant Major Saab, but he used to walk up and down, up and down 380 00:24:42,500 --> 00:24:44,040 all the time, just like you. 381 00:24:44,420 --> 00:24:45,420 Shut up. 382 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:51,200 Hey, you! 383 00:24:52,900 --> 00:24:53,900 Imperialist lackey! 384 00:24:56,129 --> 00:24:57,129 Sir? 385 00:24:57,390 --> 00:25:03,150 Kindly inform the Colonel that it is 1100 o 'clock and we are all waiting for 386 00:25:03,150 --> 00:25:04,570 the Sergeant Major to apologise. 387 00:25:05,970 --> 00:25:06,970 Well, 388 00:25:07,650 --> 00:25:10,490 better get on with it, I suppose. 389 00:25:12,630 --> 00:25:13,630 Ready, Sergeant Major? 390 00:25:14,590 --> 00:25:16,490 The words will stick in my throat, sir. 391 00:25:17,230 --> 00:25:19,010 I feel it's more like telling him to get stuffed. 392 00:25:20,770 --> 00:25:23,710 Perhaps it would help if you kept your fingers crossed behind your back. 393 00:25:24,820 --> 00:25:25,820 Come in. 394 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,940 Excuse me, Colonel Tharpe, but District Officer Tharpe asked me to tell you, 395 00:25:29,940 --> 00:25:30,940 Tharpe, that he is waiting. 396 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:32,320 We're just coming. 397 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,380 Oh, Colonel Tharpe, what a terrible day this is for us. 398 00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:38,060 We British will never be able to hold up here again. 399 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:47,840 Oh, come along, Tharpe. 400 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,980 Sir, I cannot do it. 401 00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:52,700 Well, you must. 402 00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:54,980 Don't worry, we're right behind you. 403 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:12,220 Well, get on with it, Sergeant Major. 404 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,040 Excuse me, Colonel. What the hell are you doing, Bombardier? I think we can 405 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,420 the Sergeant Major out of this, sir. Have I your permission to go ahead? 406 00:26:26,820 --> 00:26:28,560 Well, um, I don't know. 407 00:26:29,580 --> 00:26:32,920 What do you think, Atherton? Oh, yes, sir. Anything, anything. I can't stand 408 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:33,920 this embarrassment. 409 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:37,080 Carry on, Bombardier. Thank you, sir. 410 00:26:39,860 --> 00:26:44,280 Honoured sir, we feel we are all responsible for what has happened. 411 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:48,780 Now, a man of your position and importance doesn't want an ordinary 412 00:26:49,550 --> 00:26:52,990 So we would like to give you this, and believe me, sir, it comes straight from 413 00:26:52,990 --> 00:26:53,689 the heart. 414 00:26:53,690 --> 00:26:54,870 Take it away, Professor. 415 00:26:59,990 --> 00:27:04,190 We make mistakes when we walk... 416 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:07,620 It's a funny old world, but like the good book says, every cloud has a silver 417 00:28:07,620 --> 00:28:08,620 lining. 418 00:28:09,260 --> 00:28:14,520 And the man who's never made a mistake, never made anything at all. 419 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:16,760 Now, just remember, folks. 420 00:28:19,140 --> 00:28:20,620 We've got them, Gloria. 421 00:28:20,820 --> 00:28:21,820 Start bottling. 422 00:28:51,210 --> 00:28:53,930 Once again, we British have compounded the situation. 423 00:28:55,150 --> 00:29:00,510 You know, there is a very old Hindu proverb which says, if you have to eat 424 00:29:00,510 --> 00:29:03,970 humble pie, make sure you have plenty of jam on it. 425 00:29:47,620 --> 00:29:49,230 Hey, hey, hey. The boys to entertain you. 426 00:29:49,830 --> 00:29:53,210 B -O -Y -S. 427 00:29:53,570 --> 00:29:54,890 Boys to entertain you.