Original subtitles

Meet the Gang Con, the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

With music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with a

hey, hey, hey.

With songs and sketches and jokes on anew, with us about you and Phil Blue.

meet the Gang Con, the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.

B -O -B -O -Y -S, boys to entertain you.

my boob. Is that that?

What's that, Tully?

Not very cosy, is it?

Well, on the bright side, sunshine.

No upholstery, no bugs.

Right, pay attention.

Now, lovely boys, most of you won't have flew in a airplane before.

But if you take my word for it, there's hardly anything to worry about.

Will they give us cushions to sit on?

Cushions, cushions.

This is a transport plane, get aboard, but not the Brighton Bell.

It's meant for carrying urgent military supplies and paratroopers, and not a

load of puffs.

Do we just squat anywhere, then?

Good question, Bombardier.

No, we can't have too much weight in a tail, because if the pilot can't get

off the ground, the plane can't take off.

And we don't want that, do we?

So, Gunner Sugden, you go in the tail.

Oi.

go next to him, McIntosh up the front, and I'll be piggy in the middle.

Send me back to the engine.

Shut up!

Oh, hello, sir.

This is a very bad day. We should all return to camp. As I was coming here,

the sacred cows were sitting down, sir. This is a sign of ruin.

Shut up!

I do not like this machine.

You know, if Krishna had meant us to travel in the air, instead of hanging

clouds in the sky, he would have hanged chapatis.

Shut up!

Sergeant Major, where's the ablutions?

Ablutions? You don't have ablutions in airplanes, boy.

You're supposed to go before you come.

There's a little hole over here, Sergeant Major.

up speed.

I say, aren't there any safety straps, Sergeant Major?

Any safety straps, Sergeant Major? You!

Well, Mr. La -di -da -gun -a -gram, this is a plane, not an eye chair.

Now, boys, the only thing you want to think about is take -off.

It can be a bit bumpy. Nothing much to worry about, mind, but what we do is

this.

Now, we sit down.

Sit down.

And we brace our legs on something, and we link arms.

And then on the end, catches all of something circumstantial.

Right, now we'll try that.

In case we take off a bit sudden, we'll have it all sorted out.

Right, boys?

Right. Bridge legs!

Link arms!

Oh!

And your muscles hard!

have officers' quarters in Plains, Ashford. You just sit down.

What about you, sir? I shall sit with the driver.

Now, listen, chaps, I know this isn't very comfortable, but you will get us up

the jungle in a few hours, whereas going by truck would take at the best about

ten days.

And the sooner we get there, the sooner we can put the show on for the chaps who

are actually doing the fighting.

What's the hurry?

I'm the devil's flying disguise.

Oh, good afternoon. I'm Colonel Reynolds. This is Captain Ashford. How

do? How do you do?

Awful nice plane you've got here.

Oh, I'm afraid I have friendly time or two. But as DC -28 go, it's not a bad

crate.

Sully, it's a DC -28.

They're flying coffins.

Right. A few checks and we'll see that we can get it all onto the air.

Sully, have you got something important?

Blimey. Here, Sergeant Major, look what Lofty found.

Well done, bombardier.

Beg your pardon, sir. One of my men just found this. Oh.

Do not be touching things which do not concern you.

What does it do?

Never your mind.

Whatever it does, it won't be doing any more.

Right. Everything has to be with it.

Shut the door!

Shut the door! Shut the door! Shut the door!

Shut the door!

Shut the door!

Shut the door!

Shut the door!

He say, if I don't see you no more, keep my curry hot in heaven.

Not a very good joke, sir.

Sir, I'm telling him to get stuffed.

I say, what's happening?

Oh, nothing to worry about, old chap. Just fumigation, so that we do not take

creepy crawly things from one place to another.

I say, haven't you got gas masks?

You told us we wouldn't need respirators, sir.

I say, I'm awfully sorry. I am a fool.

Never mind.

You'll get used to it after an hour or so.

Of course,

a big tailor's up here, isn't he?

Aye, but you keep your limbs moving, Bombardier. You should be all right.

Gets colder, the higher up you get, see?

We're getting nearer the sunny top to get hotter.

That is a good point, Lofty.

But it don't work out like that, somehow.

The atmosphere is more rare -ified.

You hear that?

The atmosphere is more rare -ified.

That answers the old thing, doesn't it?

Do you think we'll get a hot drink?

Hot drink?

You don't have hot drinks on hair, I praise boy.

Who else is behind there?

How dare you? As

soon as we land, I'm handing you both over to the military police for being in

enclosed government premises.

Yeah, you can't get much more enclosed than this.

Please do not be too hard on them. They are loyal subjects of his wonderful

majesty. And also, sir, they work damn cheap.

Shut up!

so you better find something to hang on to as we are liable to run into one or

two in the air pocket.

I don't know what the colonel said. You better grab on to something.

You're a man of great influence.

Please ask the driver of this machine to stop and we can all get out. Shut up!

He doesn't even know that God wore trousers.

The angel's crying out a bit.

Ah, a cough or two is nothing to worry about.

Just a few eminence in the future.

Oh, I bet that gave me a right.

Excuse me. Excuse me. This was tied to the joystick. Is it important?

No!

James, that was only a thing.

I didn't know my little legs could run so quick.

Where's the colonel?

They stayed behind being brave British officers.

lovely boys.

Petrol from that plane is leaking out all over, so don't none of you start

lighting up any flags, or we'll all be blown to kingdom come.

Has he hurt himself badly?

He's very glug, he's hot. He has a bump at his head.

What, will you get him a doctor or something?

I don't be silly, I should.

I don't know if there's anything.

What are we, sir?

It's a bit difficult to say.

We lost radio contact a couple of hours ago.

The compass packed up in that magnetic storm.

But we could be just this side of enemy lines.

Or just the other side.

Precisely. What about the pilot?

Don't he know, then? He banged his head when we came down.

A bit woozy. Not making much sense.

Could I have a word with you, sir?

Yes, of course.

We could be in a bit of trouble like you, sir.

I think we ought to get the rifles and take up all round defensive positions.

But the rifles are in the plane.

With all that petrol leaking, it only needs a short circuit from the batteries

or something, and the whole caboose will go pop.

We ought to call for volunteers, sir.

Precisely.

But I think we should eliminate certain categories from taking the rescue.

It's been one of those days, hasn't it?

As soon as he started bashing those gremlins with that hammer.

I'll begin to have more suspicions. Right. Well, in a right mess now, and

a fact.

I'm not feeling airsick anymore.

I'm sick with fright, though.

Over here, John Waller.

Now,

pay attention, chaps.

We've got to get these rifles out of the play.

And the person who gets them may well get blown sky high.

So we want to make quite sure the right person goes.

The colonel means goes to get the rifles.

Not go sky high.

Now, we've drawn up a list of, as it were, reserved occupations.

And just to show there's no distinction between officers and men, Captain

Ashford and I will fall in with you.

Right. Fall in, chat.

Read the list, Sergeant Major.

Right.

Now, the following categories will be considered as reserved occupation.

Fallout the married men.

Fallout all those as is the sole support of their widowed mother.

Are you the sole support of your widowed mother in a party?

No, Sergeant Major.

The father is.

I haven't got a mother or a father.

He wouldn't be any good anyway.

Fall out the orphan.

Now, it's no good having rifles without expert marksmen.

So fall out the marksman.

Now, are you a marksman? Can I park here?

I can't hear a thing, Sergeant Major.

Never mind.

Now, when we return to our normal life, We must not be without musical

accompaniment. So fall out all them who plays musical instruments.

Where are you going, Gunnar Suggner?

To play the trumpet.

No, you do not. I have heard you.

The drums, then. The drums is not a musical instrument. Fall in.

Don't you play anything, Gunnar Parkins?

No, Sergeant Major.

Fall out all them under 21 suffering from downroof.

Whoever happens to be going into that aeroplane must be able to nip in and out

pretty quick.

That door looks to be about six foot high, so fall out all those over six

two.

And while you're at it, grab the radio.

Into the land of my dreams.

Hello, Baker Charlie One.

Hello, Baker Charlie One.

Report my bearing over.

Can you hear anything?

Yes, sir.

What? It's going sort of... Don't be silly. I'm

sorry.

Wait a minute. There's something coming through.

I think it's an Urdu.

Where's that pilot?

Well, he's not making much sense, sir. Randy speaks Urdu, sir. Does he?

Well, of course he does.

He's an Urdu himself.

Vera? What is that?

Put them earphones on and translate.

I just had a minute out.

Write that down, Ashford.

Anybody got a map?

Oh, I left mine in my kit in a plane, sir. Well, we can't go through all that

again. Oh, I've got one in my diary, sir.

Ah, well, let's have it.

Depot orders clearly state that British other ranks will not keep diaries on

active service.

Well, this is a map of the world.

Oh, goodness, how wonderful to see our glorious British Empire all in red.

Well, I can't see anything on this. It's too damn small.

If you'll allow me, sir.

Now, as I see it, a bearing of 85... degrees from Calcutta should pass

now let me see, Shanghai, Tokyo, San Francisco, New York and a little south

London.

Perhaps Rikyu Gardens.

The point is, how far along this line are we? Well, without another bearing

another position, there's absolutely no way of telling, sir.

Precisely.

Which means we could actually be in Japanese occupied territory.

Well, only just a little bit, perhaps.

Get them fags out, keep your voices down, them Japanese can hear for miles.

I beg your pardon, sir, but I think we should post the sentries.

Yes, how very right you are.

Right, stand to, boys.

With your permission, sir, I would like to take out a patrol to ascertain our

whereabouts. Yes, yes, you're absolutely spot on, Sergeant William.

Shouldn't you wait till it gets light? Otherwise we'll keep bumping into each

other.

Sound thinking, I should say.

Right, Bombardier Solomons, as soon as dawn breaks, which is any minute now, Me

and you is going on a wrecky, understand?

Well,

Charlie, don't leave me.

I'd like to come with us. Good man, good man.

I never said that.

Pardon me, sir.

Pleased to take me with you, sir. Because I am top horse tracker.

When I was a little boy, I used to make sneaky path through jungle and creep up

behind important district officer, sir, and make Chinese gooseberry, sir.

Chinese gooseberry? Yes, sir, Chinese gooseberry.

no gooseberries if we meet the judge.

Sergeant Major, can I come too?

You, boy, whatever for?

Well, I don't like all this waiting about.

I'd rather get out and do something.

Ooh.

Chip off the old blocks.

And shoulders with it.

No, no, boy, you stay here. We need some good men with the colonels, eh?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Slowly. What? Take this with you.

What is it?

It's a seashell from Blackpool.

It's always brought me luck.

You call this luck?

I'm not dead yet.

Oh, thanks, sunshine.

Well, time we was moving after.

Yes, of course.

Well, good luck, chaps.

Don't take any chances and report back if you see anything nasty.

Oh, and just one thing.

I shan't forget this.

I shall.

As soon as possible.

Right, follow me. Stick close and keep quiet.

Goodbye, Paderewski. Goodbye, Gloria.

Goodbye, Lofty.

Goodbye, Gloria.

Goodbye, Atlee.

Come on, Gloria, stop playing Ronald Coleman.

First -class chap, sirs.

Yes, I hope nothing happens to them.

Don't worry.

Sergeant Major knows how to take care of things.

Yes, I rather wish he'd stayed here with us.

Japanese? Right.

Forward.

Forward?

No shooting.

We'll surprise them.

What are you talking about?

There's about five of them.

There's only three of us.

Four. Three.

I don't care.

Right.

Now, there might be more of them in that Barsha.

So we do this quietly.

You go left, Bombardier. Sir.

I circles round to the right.

You stay Jurgen at Beaumont.

Thank you.

You stick with him, Vera.

When I give the signal, show yourselves, take aim, but don't shoot unless I

shoot.

Malum? Malum.

Malum. I understand Sergeant Ritter's heart.

Right.

Move.

Oh, Rob, isn't this not totally exciting?

What do we do now?

Yes,

sir. They've been away far too long.

Who ever thought of this idea of bringing the concert party up the

You did, sir.

You did?

Yes, sir. You wanted to avoid getting posted up the jungle.

the Sergeant Major.

He's got a lot of chaps with him.

What sort of chaps?

Come on, Torjo.

Get the lad out of your bum.

Get it out.

Right, sit down there.

Come on.

Keep on colour, boys.

Well done, Sergeant Major.

I thought we could interrogate him, sir. Good idea.

Do you speak Japanese, Ashford?

Sam, I'm super sorry.

Oi!

What the hell are you soldier boys doing here?

What are you doing?

I am saying.

Who are you?

Yes, who are you? Who are you? That is what I wanted to know.

We said it first.

Sir, I'm a Chinese restaurant in the middle of the jungle. What are you

about? Calcutta is only five miles from here.

Here is my menu.

Be careful, sir.

He may be a sneaky fellow.

Got a moment?

Keep him covered.

You're too lame.

That's cheap.

Reminds me, we're starving.

Let's see.

Curried crocodile. No, I don't fancy that.

We'll have four portions of butterfly prawn, one spring roll each, six special

chop suey and a number 49 to finish off with.

Shut up!

What's the next item we just have?

You eat all that rubbish and one half minute later you're hungry again.

Thank you.

B -O -Y -S, boys, to entertain you!