Original subtitles

HUT ONE, HUT TWO, HIKE!

GO LONG! COME ON! GET OPEN!

INTERCEPTION!

TOUCHDOWN!

WE DID IT! YEAH!

PATHETIC.

PLAYING ALL BY YOURSELF.

GET SOME FRIENDS, KID.

I'M ALL IN.

FOLD. [GRUNTS]

I'M NEVER PLAYING WITH YOU AGAIN.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

CHECK IT OUT. I STOLE THEM FROM THE MOVIE THEATER.

3-D GLASSES. OOH.

FROM NOW ON, I'LL TAKE MY ENTERTAINMENT

EXCLUSIVELY IN 3 DIMENSIONS.

DAFFY, THOSE ONLY WORK AT THE MOVIE THEATER.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

WHOA. HE'S SO CLOSE.

BACK OFF, NEWSMAN.

IT'S NOT IN 3-D.

WHOA! IT'S LIKE I CAN TOUCH YOU.

PLEASE, DON'T.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

EHH, WHAT'S UP, NEIGHBOR?

WHOA!

UGH. BACK TO 2-D. WHAT A BUMMER.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

IT'S MY SON GOSSAMER. HE'S HAVING SOME TROUBLE FITTING IN AT SCHOOL.

ALL THE KIDS PICK ON HIM AND CALL HIM A MONSTER.

- DUH. HE IS A MONSTER. - [WHIRRING]

I TRY TO HELP HIM, BUT HE'S AT THAT AGE

WHERE HE DOESN'T WANT TO LISTEN TO HIS MAMA.

THE OTHER DAY, HE CALLED ME A WITCH.

[WHIRRING STOPS]

YOU ARE A WITCH.

[WHIRRING]

DO YOU NEED TO BE DOING THAT RIGHT NOW?

[WHIRRING STOPS]

PROTEIN SHAKE. IT'S HOW I MAINTAIN THIS BODY.

[WHIRRING]

ANYWAY, GOSSAMER NEEDS HELP MAKING FRIENDS.

NOW, I THINK HE COULD BENEFIT FROM A POSITIVE MALE ROLE MODEL.

COULD YOU TAKE HIM TO SCHOOL TOMORROW AND MAYBE TALK TO HIM?

[WHIRRING STOPS]

YOU WANT BUGS TO TALK TO HIM?

HE DOESN'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT MAKING FRIENDS.

HE WAS BORN WITH FRIENDS. HE'S GOT TOO MANY FRIENDS.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HELP A WEIRDO LIKE GOSSAMER

IS ANOTHER WEIRDO.

[CLATTERS]

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

YOU CAN TAKE HIM TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

WHAT? NO.

FIND ANOTHER WEIRDO.

NO ONE HELPED ME OUT WHEN I WAS A KID,

SO I'M NOT HELPING HIM OUT.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT ALWAYS A NICE WITCH.

I'M ONLY TAKING YOU TO SCHOOL 'CAUSE I'M AFRAID OF YOUR MOM.

DON'T OPEN THAT.

SORRY.

YOU'RE A REAL WEIRD DUDE.

SORRY.

- WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS APOLOGIZING? - SORRY.

LISTEN, KID. SCHOOL IS LIKE PRISON.

AND I SHOULD KNOW. I'VE BEEN TO BOTH.

YOU DO YOUR TIME, THEN YOU GET OUT.

AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU'LL GROW UP TO BE AS MATURE

AND WELL-ADJUSTED AS ME.

AW, COME ON.

- MOVE IT, LADY! - [HONKING HORN]

JUST GET OUT HERE. THIS MOM'S TAKING FOREVER.

I MEAN, HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE

BEFORE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'VE GOT A FAMILY? IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE!

WILL YOU PICK ME UP AFTER SCHOOL?

PICK YOU UP? WHAT DO YOU THINK,

I JUST SIT AROUND ALL DAY WATCHING TV?

YOU DON'T THINK I HAVE A JOB OR OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES?

MY MOM SAYS YOU'RE A BUM

AND THAT YOU MOOCH OFF OF MR. BUNNY.

WELL, YOUR MOM'S STUPID.

DON'T TELL HER I SAID THAT.

[ENGINE STARTS, GEARS GRIND]

[HORN HONKS]

- HEY, GOSSAMER. - [SLAPS]

- [GIGGLING] - SEE YA LATER, PAL.

[LAUGHTER]

[BELL RINGS]

HI, KYLE.

HI, JASON.

HI, EMILY.

WHAT'S UP, TREVOR?

HI, MAYA.

HEY, ANDREW.

[ENGINE IDLING]

[ENGINE SHUTS OFF]

WHY DIDN'T YOU DEFEND YOURSELF?

MY MOM SAYS VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER.

WELL, YOUR MOM IS WRONG. IT'S ALMOST ALWAYS THE ANSWER.

DON'T TELL HER I SAID THAT.

AND ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEFEND MYSELF.

THEN IT'S TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL.

NOT THAT SCHOOL.

THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS.

[STAMMERING] WHERE'S DAFFY?

HE'S HELPING OUR NEIGHBOR'S KID.

TRY IT.

WE ALREADY GOT OUR PIZZA.

NO, TRY THIS ONE.

WELL?

I LIKE IT.

THIS ONE'S FROZEN.

PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

PRETTY IMPRESSIVE? IT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, PINKY. - UH, IT'S PORKY.

I LIKE TO SEE YOU MAKE A RESTAURANT-QUALITY FROZEN PIZZA.

YOU COULDN'T. YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE. BUT I DID IT.

AND NOW, I'M GOING TO SELL SPEEDY GONZALES' FROZEN PIZZAS

IN GROCERY STORES ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY!

WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

I'M FILMING THE COMMERCIAL LATER TODAY.

- HEY, YOU SHOULD BE IN IT. - NAH.

COME ON. YOU COULD BE THE CUSTOMER.

I--I DON'T--

I COULD PLAY THE CUSTOMER.

PINKY, PLEASE. I'M TALKING TO SEÑOR BUGS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? WOULD YOU BE IN MY FROZEN PIZZA COMMERCIAL?

- EHH... - I'D LOVE TO DO IT.

YEAH. JUST LET PORKY DO IT.

CAN I AT LEAST USE YOUR SLOGAN?

- WHAT SLOGAN? - I LIKE IT.

WHEN DID I SAY THAT?

WHEN YOU TRIED THE PIZZA.

IT'S THE PERFECT SLOGAN--

NOT TOO MUCH, NOT TOO LITTLE.

I DON'T LOVE IT. I LIKE IT.

IT'S PIZZA, MAN. IT'S NOT A NEW CAR.

- WHATEVER. - OH! YIPPEE! [LAUGHS]

RELAX, PINKY, OK?

IT'S A COMMERCIAL, NOT A MOVIE.

BUT GO SEE THE MAKEUP GIRL YOU'RE JUST SO PINK.

I GUESS THAT'S WHERE HE GETS HIS NAME.

THIS IS THE SCHOOL I GRADUATED FROM.

[GRUNTING]

I'M KIND OF A LEGEND AROUND HERE.

WHAT'S UP, MAN?

I DON'T KNOW YOU.

SELF-DEFENSE IS ABOUT KNOWING YOUR STRENGTHS

AND YOUR OPPONENT'S WEAKNESSES.

IT'S ABOUT STAMINA. DISCIPLINE.

AND NEVER...

[GRUNTS]

LETTING YOUR GUARD DOWN.

OOF!

[GRUNTING]

SHOULDN'T WE BE WEARING BOXING GLOVES?

DOES ANYBODY WEAR BOXING GLOVES IN A STREET FIGHT?

ALSO, THERE'S A $5 GLOVE RENTAL FEE.

NOW, LET'S GET IT ON.

[GRUNTING]

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT.

TOO LATE. YOU'RE IN A FIGHT.

AND YOU'RE ALREADY LOSING. YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU'RE OFF BALANCE. AND WHEN YOU'RE OFF BALANCE,

YOU'RE OPEN TO ONE OF THESE!

- HI-YA! - [GRUNTS]

LUCKY SHOT.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

HOW'S THIS GOING TO HELP ME MAKE FRIENDS?

I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING. MIND GAMES.

WELL, MIND GAMES ARE NO MATCH FOR ONE OF THESE!

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

ALL RIGHT. LET'S TAKE A BREAK.

I'M SURE THIS IS A LOT OF INFORMATION FOR YOU TO ABSORB.

I'M GOING TO THE VENDING MACHINE.

I'LL BRING YOU BACK ONE OF THESE!

[GRUNTS]

WELL, WE'VE LEARNED TWO THINGS HERE TODAY.

YOU REFUSE TO DEFEND YOURSELF,

AND I NEED TO DOUBLE UP ON MY PROTEIN SHAKES.

I'M NEVER GOING TO GET ANY FRIENDS.

NOT WITH THAT "KICK ME" SIGN STILL ON YOUR BACK.

GIVE ME THAT.

"SCHOOL TALENT SHOW."

- HUH. - WHAT IS IT?

I THINK I JUST FIGURED OUT A WAY

FOR YOU TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS,

A WAY FOR YOU TO IMPRESS EVERYONE

AND INSTANTLY BECOME POPULAR

IN A SINGLE, DRAMATIC MOMENT.

YOU MEAN ENTER THE TALENT SHOW?

OH, I WAS GOING TO SAY

WATCH THE TALENT SHOW WEARING A REALLY COOL JACKET.

BUT ENTERING THE TALENT SHOW--

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

WOW. YOU'RE LUCKY I THOUGHT OF IT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY TALENTS?

I COULD SING.

UGH. NO WAY. SINGING'S LAME.

COME ON. WE CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING BETTER THAN THAT.

OH, WAIT. I FORGOT SOMETHING.

TO GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE!

[SCREAMS AND GRUNTS]

DO YOU WANT RESTAURANT-QUALITY PIZZA IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME?

HELLO. I'M SPEEDY GONZALES

OF SPEEDY GONZALES'S PIZZARRIBA

TELLING YOU THAT YOU CAN NOW ENJOY MY PIZZA IN A FROZEN VARIETY.

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. HERE'S A REAL-LIFE CUSTOMER.

AHEM. WHAT DID YOU THINK, SIR?

I LIKE IT.

- CUT. - [BEEPS]

PINKY, YOU'RE OVERSELLING IT.

I TOLD YOU YOU COULD BE IN THE COMMERCIAL,

BUT YOU GOT TO PULL BACK.

YOU GOT TO PLAY REAL. LET'S TAKE IT AGAIN.

[BEEPS]

WHAT DID YOU THINK, SIR?

I LIKE IT.

NOPE. IT'S NOT WORKING.

SEÑOR BUGS, LET ME HEAR YOU SAY IT AGAIN.

- I LIKE IT. - THAT'S IT! PERFECT.

SORRY, PINKY. THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HIM,

A LIKEABILITY FACTOR. I MEAN,

THIS GUY'S OK...

BUT I WANT TO PARTY WITH THIS GUY.

LET'S TAKE IT AGAIN.

HEY, PINKY, I'M SORRY. SCOOCH TO YOUR LEFT A LITTLE BIT.

LITTLE MORE.

LITTLE MORE.

LITTLE MORE.

LITTLE MORE.

LITTLE MORE.

LITTLE MORE.

LITTLE MORE.

HOW'S THIS?

PERFECTO.

TALENT. IT CAN'T BE TAUGHT.

IT CAN'T BE BOUGHT. IT CAN'T BE FAKED.

IT JUST IS. YOU DIG?

- DO I DIG WHAT? - 2, 3, 4!

[CLICKS]

[SALSA MUSIC PLAYING]

- NO, NO, NO. - [MUSIC STOPS]

BACK TO ONE.

- WHERE'S ONE? - 2, 3, 4!

[SALSA MUSIC PLAYING]

STOP, STOP, STOP.

[MUSIC STOPS]

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

IT'S A SIMPLE KICKBALL CHANGE,

A SHIMMY TO THE RIGHT,

A SHIMMY TO THE LEFT,

PIVOT, STEP, AND HEAD ROLL.

WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT?

I WAS THINKING MAYBE I COULD SING AT THE TALENT SHOW.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? THAT IS SO LAME!

I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW HOW GIRLY AND PATHETIC YOU'D LOOK IF YOU SANG?

NO, NO, NO. IF YOU WANT FRIENDS,

YOU NEED TO DANCE.

I'M NOT A DANCER.

WELL, YOU JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT.

THIS IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING!

THERE IS A DANCER INSIDE OF YOU.

SHAME ON YOU FOR NOT SEEING IT,

AND SHAME ON ME FOR BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES.

I NEED TO COOL OFF. I'M GOING TO TAKE FIVE.

BUT NOT BEFORE I GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE!

WILL YOU GO MAKE ME A PROTEIN SHAKE?

I'M SPEEDY GONZALES OF SPEEDY GONZALES'S PIZZARRIBA

TELLING YOU THAT YOU CAN NOW ENJOY MY PIZZA IN A FROZEN VARIETY.

I LIKE IT.

AND YOU WILL, TOO.

SPEEDY GONZALES'S FROZEN PIZZA

IN YOUR GROCER'S FREEZER.

HUH. HOW MUCH?

OH, IT'S ON THE HOUSE.

YOU FAMOUS.

HONEY, LOOK. IT'S THE "I LIKE IT" GUY.

OH!

"I LIKE IT" GUY! SAY IT.

I LIKE IT.

YEAH!

I LIKE IT!

YOU PROBABLY GET THIS ALL THE TIME, BUT WILL YOU SAY IT?

I'M KIND OF IN A HURRY.

PLEASE? JUST ONE TIME.

[SIGHS] I LIKE IT.

DO YOU MIND? WILL YOU SAY IT FOR MY OUTGOING MESSAGE?

- I LIKE IT. - OOH! WASN'T RECORDING.

- ONE MORE TIME? - I LIKE IT.

WHOO-HOO! I LIKE IT!

I'M NOT SURE I LIKE IT.

- [SIREN CHIRPS] - SAY IT.

YEAH. YOU. "I LIKE IT" GUY. SAY IT.

- I LIKE IT? - CLASSIC.

[SIREN]

THIS WHOLE TIME, WE'VE BEEN FOCUSING

ON THE TALENT PART OF THE TALENT SHOW.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SHOW PART?

[ENGINES REV]

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO JUGGLE CHAINSAWS, DO YOU?

NO. THAT WOULD BE LUDICROUS.

I WANT YOU TO JUGGLE CHAINSAWS

THAT HAVE BEEN LIT ON FIRE.

CAN'T I JUST SING AT THE TALENT SHOW?

- NO, YOU CAN'T SING. - [SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]

THAT WOULD BE A DEATH SENTENCE.

RUN FOR OUR LIVES!

- YOU SAVED MY LIFE. - [SIRENS WAILING]

I'D LIKE TO REPAY YOU

BY GIVING YOU ONE OF THESE!

IT'S LIKE THOSE PROTEIN SHAKES ARE MAKING ME WEAKER.

MY HOUSE!

HEY! HEY, IT'S THE "I LIKE IT" GUY!

YOU LIVE HERE?

SAY IT!

MY HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN!

THAT'S NOT THE LINE.

TURN ON THE WATER!

NO. YOU REMEMBER.

THE LITTLE MOUSE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU THINK, SIR?"

AND YOU SAY...

I LIKE IT!

-WHOO-HOO! - YEAH!

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, WHEN YOU'RE DONE, CAN WE GET A PICTURE?

- [ENGINE SHUTS OFF] - WELL, THIS IS IT.

GOOD LUCK.

- [INDISTINCT TALKING] - [BRAKES HISS]

THIS IS THE BUS STATION.

WHAT ABOUT THE TALENT SHOW?

YOU CAN'T GO TO THE TALENT SHOW!

YOU DON'T HAVE A TALENT.

HERE. TAKE THIS.

WHAT'S THIS?

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO START A NEW LIFE--

FAKE PASSPORT, FAKE MONEY,

AND MY FAKE NUMBER IN CASE OF EMERGENCY.

FERNANDO VALENZUELA, THE BASEBALL PLAYER?

THE BELOVED BASEBALL PLAYER.

GET READY TO HAVE TONS OF FRIENDS.

PLEASE, JUST TAKE ME TO THE TALENT SHOW.

[GROANS]

YOUR FUNERAL, FERNANDO.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[CELLO AND PIANO PLAYING]

[PLAYING]

PSST. HEY. YOU'RE THAT GUY.

SAY IT.

SHH. THERE'S A KID ONSTAGE.

I KNOW. IT'S MY KID. COME ON. SAY IT.

- NO. -JUST SAY IT.

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT. AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I'M NEVER GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN. EVER.

TYPICAL HOLLYWOOD JERK.

[PLAYING CONTINUES]

OH, GOOD. YOU HAVEN'T GONE ON.

I TOOK THIS FROM THE SCIENCE LAB.

I THINK THEY'RE SCORPIONS.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU SHOULD DO WITH THEM. MAYBE EAT THEM,

LET THEM RUN AROUND ON YOUR FACE.

- SOMETHING LIKE THAT. - [APPLAUSE]

AND NOW, OUR NEXT CONTESTANT.

WISH ME LUCK.

WAIT! YOU FORGOT THE SCORPIONS!

I DON'T NEED THEM.

[COUGHING]

THAT'S MY BABY!

[WHISTLES]

WHAT IS SHE DOING?

MY NAME'S GOSSAMER, AND I'M GOING TO SING.

[PIANO PLAYING]

♪ THE LEAVES ARE BROWN, CAME TUMBLING DOWN ♪

♪ REMEMBER? ♪

♪ IN SEPTEMBER ♪

♪ IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ THE SUN WENT OUT JUST LIKE A DYING EMBER ♪

♪ THAT SEPTEMBER ♪

♪ IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ TO EVERY WORD OF LOVE ♪

♪ I'VE HEARD YOU WHISPER ♪

♪ THE RAINDROPS SEEM ♪

♪ TO PLAY A SWEET REFRAIN ♪

♪ THOUGH SPRING IS HERE ♪

♪ TO ME, IT'S STILL SEPTEMBER ♪

♪ THAT SEPTEMBER ♪

♪ IN THE RAIN ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

YEAH! [GIGGLES]

I LIKE IT.

[CHEERING]

[INDISTINCT TALKING AND LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR HELPING MY BOY.

YES, YOU CAN. YOU'RE A WITCH. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

COME ON. WAVE YOUR WAND. MAKE ME STRONG.

I WANT TO BE STRONG. SUPER STRONG!

WITH WINGS!

AND GIVE ME 3-D VISION!

STAY AWAY FROM MY SON.

WHAT'S WITH THE GLASS BOX FULL OF SAND?

- IT'S A SCORPION TANK. - WHERE ARE THE SCORPIONS?

[SCREAMING]

SOMETHING BIT ME!

- [ENGINE REVS] - [CAR ALARM BEEPING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[TWANGS]

[CLICKS]

[ROAD RUNNER APPROACHING]

[RATTLING]

BEEP BEEP!

[RATTLES]

[RATTLING]

[POPS]

[STRETCHING]

[WIND WHISTLING]

[ROAD RUNNER APPROACHING]

[JOINTS CRACKS]

[CRACKLES]

BEEP BEEP!

[OFF-KEY] ♪ AVE MARIA ♪

[SINGING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

SO IS THIS WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO SING AT THE TALENT SHOW?

IT'S JUST AS PAINFUL IN 3-D.

♪ AAH ♪

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]