Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Hey, Barbara Jean.

Here you go, Reba.

A little gift.

Oh, looky there.

A dart board.

Ha -ha, Carrot Top.

It's just a little something for you to remember me by.

Are we breaking up?

What did I do, and why didn't I do it sooner?

We can't joke our way out of this painful situation.

Brock is selling our house to pay the debt to the IRS.

What? Why do you have to do that? I thought you guys were getting a second

mortgage. Brock's credit is wrecked. He said the guy at the bank actually taped

our application up in the coffee room next to Dilbert.

Selling your house? I don't know what to say. I wish there was something I could

do. There is.

Should have stopped after, I don't know what to say.

Reba, buy our house and let us stay, please.

Look, Barbara Jean, I couldn't buy your house even if there was normal people

living in it.

Well, you know, I figured it was worth a shot.

You know, you could have told me that Brock was a deadbeat before I started

sneaking around with him.

God, I hate seeing Barbara Jean sad.

It's like looking at a clown without all her makeup on.

Yeah, it's sad.

I wish we could help, but we can't. Yes, we can. I've got to quit saying that.

Look, Mrs. H., when we flipped that house on Fillmore last month, we made a

little money, but the big money is owning a rental property. It makes a

money during the month, but it also appreciates. You've got to see the big

picture. Do you know why I keep saying no?

Because of this big picture.

Barbara Jean, Barbara Jean, Barbara Jean. You're so sensitive about Barbara

Jean. What has she ever done to you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She broke up your marriage and stole your husband.

I'm at his age. If you look at the guy in a harsh light today, you'll see she

did you a favor.

Now, I got one word for you.

Let it go.

That's three words. Not the way I say it. Say it with me. Let it go.

about making money here. Yeah, and I hate to bring human beings in your whole

big discussion about money, but, Mom, you could actually help them keep their

home. Who?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

If you don't buy their house, they're going to have to leave the place that

love. I mean, helping someone keep their home is a huge deal.

You know, I work with the homeless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know, we know, we

But she does make a good point.

Okay, what are y 'all saying? If I'm a good person, I'll do this?

Exactly, and that's what we're trying to appeal to, your good person -ness. You

see, I got the head for business.

You got the body...

who works too hard, who loves her kids and never stops, with gentle hands and

the heart of a fighter.

I'm a survivor.

Hey, Mrs. H. The lease is all ready to go.

Oh, this is so exciting.

I love being a landlord.

and I love being a lord.

Hey, when they come in, can we make them bow down to us?

Van, this is not a game. I was being serious.

Kick the pinky!

Look, I agreed to buy Brock and Barbara Jean's house to help them out, but

there's a reason why you don't sell your car to a family member.

Or underwear.

Barbara Jean said they were unisex. Van!

Trying to explain to you why we need to keep this arrangement strictly business.

I want to avoid any situation which will make me mad and give me motive to kill.

There's my fairy godmother.

Oh, hey, can you turn my husband into a prince?

Nope, he's stuck as a toad.

Very nice. Look, Barbara Jean won't listen to me because...

Well, she's my wife, but I want to go on record as saying that the two of you

buying my house is the worst idea that I've ever heard. Okay, what he means is

thank you, thank you, thank you.

You don't have to thank us. Yeah, your deposit check will take care of that.

All you need to do is pay us for the first and last month's rent after you

the lease.

What?

A lease? We don't need a lease, Reba. We're friends.

Okay, nothing about that statement is correct.

That's because we're the landlord.

You're the lowly tenants.

But Mrs. H and I have agreed that you don't have to bow or kiss the pinky.

Okay.

Yeah, it's starting to sink in. My ex -wife owns my house.

Well, she got my first one. Might as well have the second.

Reba, would this figure here be the rent?

Yep. All right.

Hey,

it's a lot less than anything else is going in the neighborhood.

I mean, golly, you didn't expect us to let you live there for free, did you?

No.

Maybe.

Would be nice.

Barbara Jean, this is a business deal, and I want to keep it that way.

Okay. Fine.

That's the way you want it? Van, can I borrow a pen?

Sure, but you're going to need to put a deposit down on it.

I'm just kidding.

This is how I always dreamed my life would turn out.

Yeah, it's a real high point.

Hey, maybe tomorrow morning I'll wake up in bed with my mom.

I had no idea how demanding tenants could be.

Barbara Jean's complaining that her dishwasher's broken and expects me to

have it fixed.

I got one word for you, Barbara Jean.

Paper plates!

Dan, that is two words. Let it go!

You know, you sound like some sort of fat cat slumlord.

Fat cat?

I like that.

I like cats, and I like fat.

Bam, we have to fix their dishwasher. It's part of being a landlord.

No, it isn't, Mrs. H. Being a landlord is soaking the tenants for every penny

I can sit around, take naps, and...

Go to the gym, which I'm late for, by the way.

Van, you know, your new obsession with money is very unattractive. Oh, yeah?

That might be. But take a look at these hammies.

Hey, guys.

Yeah, right.

Wash a dish.

You know, you should go home, take a sock, and shove it down the toilet. See

his hammies can fix that.

So, Reba, listen, Barbara Jean sent me over here to give you the security

deposit.

Oh, great.

The way she was acting, I thought I was going to have a problem with that.

Yeah. Here you go.

What's that?

That's the security deposit.

It's all in dimes. She said you should count it.

I can't drag a bag of dimes to the bank. They'll think I've robbed a fountain.

Oh.

Yeah, listen, there's something else. Barbara Jean has decided to fix up the

house, and since you're the landlord, it's on your dime. She said I should

sure and say it exactly like that.

Okay. All right. I'm going to go take care of this insanity right now. Yeah.

Barbara Jean?

Yeah? We need to talk.

Oh. Hey, Mrs. Roper.

What are you doing?

Redecorating. Which color do you like for the living room?

Sand or Parisian ecru?

Which color were you sniffing when you decided I was going to paint your house?

Well, according to the tenant's rights hotline, it is customary for the

to repaint every two years.

We've only owned the property for a week. Yeah, well, it's not my fault. the

previous owners and keep the property up.

Why are you doing this?

Why am I doing what?

Why am I standing up for my right?

Why am I not letting the man stick it to me?

I'm not the man and I'm not sticking it to you.

And there is no way that Van and I are going to pay for upgrades like wallpaper

and paint and... Are you redoing the floor?

Yeah. I am making a necessary repair.

There's a nick behind the couch.

So you have a nick, and you want me to replace the whole floor?

Yeah, it's a hazard.

Henry could snag a sock.

Anything could happen. I mean, someone could die.

That's it, Barbara Jean.

No floor, no paint, no nothing. And if you ever pay me with a sack of dimes, I

will tie that to your feet and throw you in...

Are you okay? Should I call a doctor?

Yeah.

But first, call a lawyer, because I'm suing you.

renters get back from the hospital, can you make sure and tell them that I took

care of their petty complaints?

And I did it myself, and I saved a few bucks by doing it.

Licensed plumber, my butt.

Plumber butt.

Just say no to crack.

Dan, you don't know anything about plumbing? I don't know anything about

either, but I fixed the furnace.

People are trouble.

I say we evict them. Van, that's my father you're talking about.

It's all about the poor tenants, isn't it, Cheyenne?

Nobody ever thinks about the fat cat landlord.

I'm going to go get a beer and some fudge.

They may have to amputate.

But, you know, I can always get a license plate that says stumpy.

Barbara Jean, the doctor said it was a sprain. He said it was the kind of

he saw all the time.

In NAMM.

You know, Barbara Jean, so mom isn't the best landlord. I mean, seriously, if

Ann and I had to pay rent, we would have moved out a long time ago.

Thank you, honey. Uh -huh.

Look, Barbara Jean, I know you came over here to make me feel guilty, but I

don't. I'm sorry you're hurt, but it wasn't my fault. Well, it isn't up to me

determine who is or isn't at fault, Reba.

That is for the judge to decide.

Here's your subpoena.

I brought it to you myself because I just know how much you love paperwork.

Oh, and while you're eating crow, try not to get any on that shirt because I

plan to take it right off your back.

Mrs. H, guess what?

What? I hired a private detective to dig up dirt on Barbara Jean. This baby is

loaded with character deformation.

You mean defamation.

I mean both.

This lawsuit's ridiculous.

I mean, if she's going to sue me for hurting her, I wish I could get one more

crack at it.

Mrs. H, there's no way she's going to win. We have a secret weapon in the

arsenal. Do you know Barbara Jean has been arrested for public indecency?

three times.

Oh.

Oh, great.

Now you've ruined Oktoberfest for me.

Sorry we're late.

We would have been here sooner.

Except I can barely walk on my nearly broken leg.

Well, if you're really suffering, we could always put you down.

Makes fun of cripples. Write that down.

Let's just stick to this case for the time being, shall we? Mrs. Hart, Barbara

Jean's lawsuit alleges that neglectful conduct has led to the severe sprain of

her ankle, affected her time with her child, and led to the demise of her

duties. What does that mean?

It means we're going to be getting a thank you letter from Brock.

Time for my pain medication.

Why don't you write down that I'm also now addicted to painkillers?

Not for the first time.

Right, Barbara Jean?

Are you Reba Hart's lawyer? I'm Van Montgomery, co -owner of the alleged

property, which we graciously allowed this deadbeat runner to continue living

in. She would have been out on the street if it weren't for us.

Not for the first time.

Right, Barbara Jean?

You are not named.

And in the lawsuit, Mr. Montgomery, Mrs. Hart is only suing Mrs. Hart. What?

That's not fair.

Well, it's not fair, Mrs. H. You're on your own. Bye, guys. See you.

All right, let's get into this.

What is your full name?

Reba Nell Hart.

And what's your date of birth?

December the 12th.

19... 19, none of your business. Move on.

And what are your feelings towards Barbara Jean?

What's that got to do with this case?

I have no idea. Barbara Jean gave me this list of questions. Can't we use my

questions now?

No!

Question 21.

Have you had it in for Barbara Jean ever since she stole your husband so that

when you saw the chance to buy her house and cause her financial ruin and

humiliation, you did it gleefully?

What? No! That's a crazy question!

It is not a... crazy question, just like question 43. Do you sit in your house,

which you own, and happily toast your superiority with champagne that you

with Barbara Jean's rent money?

First of all, when I'm sitting alone in my home thinking about you, I'm drinking

hard liquor out!

And second of all, do you really think I

could do that? Yes.

Because the only reason you bought our house was to humiliate and punish me.

You asked me to buy it. Is that true?

Yeah. You didn't tell me that.

Well, maybe I should just take the bar exam for you too, cowboy, huh? How about

that?

Yeah. I asked you, Reba, because we needed your help.

But you, you just saw it as a chance to swoop in like a vulture and feast on the

dead carcass of our financial ruin.

No interest in feasting on your carcass.

You made me sign a lease.

Do you have any idea how that made me feel?

Sheltered? Safe?

Terrible.

Like I was just a rent check.

A dollar sign.

Instead of the woman who stole your husband and became your best friend.

Barbara Jean, take my word for it. My feelings for you have not changed.

Really? Yes, I bought the house so you wouldn't be thrown out on the street.

I made you sign a lease so there would be no misunderstandings to get into the

way of our love for each other. Whatever.

So, so you really felt bad for us?

How could I not feel bad for you?

I mean, you're in such a financial hole that you might never, ever get out of

it. As much as I'd like to revel in that, I hate to see you suffer like

Really? So when I hurt, you hurt?

If you don't move your hand, you're gonna hurt.

Oh, Reba, I can't sue you.

I'm dropping the lawsuit.

Oh, Reba, you are a dear, sweet woman.

And you know what? I'm just so happy that I could...

Not for the first time, right, Barbara Jean?

Please, man. Where'd you go?