Original subtitles

Hey, man.

Is Weeba here? I have got big, big news.

Tell me. Oh, I can't. It's too personal.

Too personal? Barbara Jean, you're my stepmother -in -law. Partial grandmother

to my child, the woman that I may one day have to put in a home.

You put me in a home? In a heartbeat.

That is so sweet.

But no.

Oh, great.

All right, now, Goot, I don't know how much longer I can hold this in. Fine, no

home for you. You can forget about pudding and you can diaper yourself.

Okay, Reba, I have got huge news.

Huge. Barbara Jean, I've had a long, bad day.

And the last thing I want to do is sit here and pretend that I'm interested in

anything you have to say.

That's also true on a good day.

I have a crush on my marriage. counselor.

Tell me.

Hey!

Barbagine has the hots for her marriage counselor. Shut up. No, you shut up. No,

you shut up. I'm serious. They'll hear us.

Oh, Reba, Dr.

Morgan is so dreamy. And I know he's paid to listen, but the way he hangs on

every word, it's like he's doing it for free.

Okay, clearly, you've got to stop seeing the man.

Oh, I can't. I already made Brock fire our last two counselors.

If I do it again, he's going to ask why.

What am I going to say? Oh, I can't look at him without purring.

Talk it over with Dr.

Morgan. I'm sure he's dealt with this kind of situation before.

Okay. All right, I will.

Will you go with me?

No. Reba, please.

I can't do this alone.

I'm weak.

People only think I'm strong because I'm tall.

I understand.

Just like they all think you're crazy. Because you are.

Hey, Mom, what you doing?

Yeah, is there anything interesting going on? Because there's nothing going

here. No.

You can cut the act. I know you guys were listening.

Oh, good. It's so hard for me to convince people I don't know anything.

Mom, you have to go down there with Barbara Jean.

Wow, all she has to do is go talk to the man.

Even she can do that.

No, no, no.

Talking is exactly how you get yourself into trouble. Eventually, you run out of

words and the clothes start flying.

If we had better vocabularies, you wouldn't be a grandma.

Nothing is going to happen between them.

Well, maybe not, but what could happen is that Barbara Jean says it the wrong

way and it somehow gets back to Dad.

Their marriage is in a fragile place right now.

Everything could be lost if Barbara Jean starts dating.

Mom, you've got to go down there with her.

Why? When did Barbara Jean become my responsibility?

When your husband married her.

Look, Mom, Barbara Jean needs your help, and if you don't go down there with

her, we will.

Yeah, we will.

And I can't promise you if things get heated up, I won't open up a can of

-ass on Dr. Delicious.

Don't make him open up the can, Mom.

Not a good enough reason.

Fine.

But all I know is the better she gets along with Dad, the less she's over

Now that's a good enough reason.

weird, isn't it?

Reba, I don't want him to think I'm weird.

Barbara Jean, the man deals with crackpots and head cases all day.

He could seem normal anywhere he'd be here.

Oh, thanks, Reba.

You always know what to say.

Speaking of, what are you going to say to him?

I was thinking I'd start with, run for the hills.

I'm not going to say anything.

I'm just long for the ride.

Oh, but you have to.

Just seeing him gets me all tongue -tied and giggly. Oh, for the love of grits

and gravy, Barbara Jean, you're a grown woman.

Quit acting like a little silly. Yum.

I know.

He's like orange chicken for the eyes.

Well, hey, Barbara Jean.

This is an unexpected pleasure.

Oh, for me, too.

Every time's a pleasure.

Well, you know, I don't mean a pleasure.

Pleasure. You know, like a treasure.

I just mean pleasure.

Oh, my gosh. Why can't I stop saying that word?

Hi, I'm Reba Hart. I just came along to keep her from babbling.

I've let her down.

Hi, I'm Jack Morgan.

It's nice to meet you.

You too.

Okay, Reba, you can go now.

What?

Two seconds ago, you wanted me to do all the talking. Well, yes.

That was before you started acting like I just introduced you to Davy Jones of

the Monkees.

I'm sorry. Is there something going on I should know about?

Ask her.

Well,

it's funny, really.

I just, uh, I, uh, I think, I think you're... Oh, God, you smell good.

What she's trying to say is she has a problem because she is attracted to you.

Oh, you do smell good.

Okay, no, I see. Barbara Jean, I know you love Brock.

I really do. I'm evil, that's all.

No, you're going through something called transference. That's when

your situation becomes attracted to their therapist.

Even some of the nerdy doctors get it.

So, so I'm not bad?

You don't want to punish me?

Trust me. No, no, you're a good person.

But since you're still flirting with me, I should probably refer you and Brock

to somebody else. So I'll tell Brock that it's because I've taken on too

Doctor, you are a wonderful, wonderful man.

Oh, God.

She took my gum.

You know, you handle that pretty well.

Oh, thanks. It does happen to therapists quite a bit. I've had patients fall for

me before.

I bet.

I mean, yeah, people are weak. I guess I better go.

Dr. Morgan, go ahead. No, please, you.

Go first.

Well, I was just wondering, since you're not seeing Brock and Barbara Jean

anymore, maybe I could take their spot.

Oh, you're married.

No, no, I'm not even seeing anyone.

Yet you feel the need for marriage counseling.

Silly me.

No, I just thought it would be neat for you and I to kind of sit down and chat,

either here or in a dimly lit Italian restaurant, either way.

Are you asking me out?

Or do you actually want to see me as a patient?

What do you suggest? You're the doctor.

Well, if you're asking to see me as a patient, you pay. If you're asking me

I pay.

Oh, good. Let's go with the second.

Oh, Cheyenne, there you are.

Hey, I need you to do me some favors.

I need you to switch the laundry, watch Jake tonight, and pick up some milk at

the store.

Why? Because I sold the cow for some magic beans.

No, no, no. I mean about watching Jake. What are you doing tonight?

I have a date.

A date?

You don't date.

Yes, I do.

Theoretically.

Who is it?

Is it the butcher with the lazy eye?

No. The delivery guy with the hump?

His name is Dr. Morgan, and for your information, he's prettier than me.

Dr. Morgan.

Dr. Morgan, where do I know that name from?

It'll come to you.

Hey, Mrs. H, what's next? Dr. Morgan, she is dating Dad and Barbara Jean's

marriage counselor.

Is that true?

Yes.

But in my defense, he's very hot.

Well, does she know?

Does who know?

Don't play dumb with me.

I practically invented that. You know who.

Barbara Jean, did you ask her if it's okay?

Why should I?

Barbara Jean didn't get my permission when she dated Brock.

So you're saying you're no better than Barbara Jean?

Try not asking her now.

Wish I could trade you kids for some magic beans.

Hey, Brock.

Hey, Reba.

What you doing, washing your wig?

Seriously, you and the dog have the same hair.

Oh, hey, Reba. Hey.

Oh, don't. They just look adorable.

My little precious and my big precious.

It was then he realized that masculine feeling would never return.

So, Reba, what brings you by?

Well, I just wanted to come by and tell you something.

I have a date.

Oh, way to go, hot stuff.

Is it the butcher with the lazy eye?

No.

Oh, Reba, it's not Harry the Hump.

It's Dr. Morgan.

Barbara Jean, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I just lost the feeling in my head there for a second.

You know how it does.

So you okay with this?

Oh, yeah, I mean, yeah, of course.

I'm fine, yeah.

I mean, why would I care that you're going to go out with my man?

You know, our counselor.

There is just one tiny little problem, though.

Yeah, what's that?

He's gay.

What? Oh, Brock, he's not gay. Of course not. Why would you say something stupid

like that? Oh, please, look at the guy.

Stylish haircut, killer smile, tan.

Seems like a guy who's a little too into his appearance.

Oh, great.

Now my hands are all wrinkled from this stupid bath.

So, anyhow, I just wanted to come by and tell you about my date.

Like you don't have a problem with it.

Rock, honey, I got a little headache. Could you give me some aspirin? Oh,

sure, honey. Okay.

I've got to get some hand cream anyway.

Right.

Well, so you finally got me, huh? You paid me back.

I took your man, so now you're going to take mine?

I didn't take your man. You already have one. That's all you get. They're not

collectibles.

You were never my friend, were you?

You just wanted to keep me close until the day you could deliver your

blow.

Well, congratulations, Peaches.

You killed something today.

My respect for you. Oh, Barbara. Oh, no, no, no.

You don't get to call me by my first name. No, that is reserved for my friend

and people doing roll call.

Here you go, honey.

Did I miss something?

No, no, I was just letting you know how happy I am about her date.

Yeah, we all are.

Are you crazy?

You can't go out with Dr. Morgan.

Barbara Jean likes him.

You knew?

Well, of course I knew.

My wife is many things. Subtle is not one of them.

Then why did you say he was gay?

Oh, I just like to needle her.

Oh, great.

Now I have dog hair all over my favorite sweater.

So you don't have a problem with this?

Please. Barbara Jean loves me. She would never do anything. She has crushes all

the time.

Besides, do I look like a guy who would feel threatened by anyone?

So if she has a new crush every week, why can't I go out with the guy?

It's not about him and Barbara Jean. It's about you and Barbara Jean.

Look, if you ask her what quality she admires most in a person, she'll say

loyalty. And if you ask her what person has that quality most, she'll say it's

Reba.

She looks up to you, and she would be devastated if she thought you betrayed

her. I'm not betraying her. I know. You have every right to do this. I'm just

telling you it will really hurt Barbara Jean.

As far as she's concerned, she would never, ever go out with a guy that you

liked.

Now. Now! She wouldn't go out with a guy you like now.

Ah, you've got a beautiful house.

Thanks.

You want to come in? I'm pretty sure my parents are asleep.

Hey. Hey. Looks like your mom waited up.

Sweetheart, what are you doing here? I thought Cheyenne was babysitting.

She wanted me to cover for her and something about a sale at the mall and

I mind making up a story for Mom.

So anyway, she's studying.

Here, this is Dr. Morgan.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Wow. Has Dad seen him?

I used to be his marriage counselor.

Someday I'm going to write a book.

Well, that was a great restaurant you picked. Haven't had Chinese in a while.

Ah, well, for some reason I had a...

craving for orange chicken.

I had a terrific time tonight.

Yeah, me too.

Woo! That was just almost one of those kissing moments, wasn't it?

I'm sorry. It was too fast.

No, no, no. No, I should be sorry.

I keep thinking about Barbara Jean.

It's just, she likes me so much.

I like you, too.

Oh, boy, that was good.

That was kind of... Hoping that would stink.

That was mostly just my lower lip.

I just can't do this. I can't do this to Barbara Jean. It would hurt her too

much. I mean, people only think she's strong because she's so tall.

I understand.

It's just not fair.

I really like you. And I like you, too. And the thing is, it shows what a good

person you are, which makes me like you even more.

Oh, I wish I was bad.

Yeah, I do too.

I had a great time tonight.

Don't leave her!

Barbara Jean?

Reba, you can't break up with him.

How long have you been in my kitchen? Well, since we got home from the

restaurant.

I've been following you all night.

You realize that's not normal behavior.

Hey, cowboy, we're not in your office.

Reba, I'm so sorry I doubted our friendship.

When I was in there eavesdropping on you, I realized how special our

relationship is.

So take the hunky doctor.

You have my blessing.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Well, that's very warped and generous of you, Barbara Jane.

And you, if you hurt her, you are going to have me

to deal with.

Well, I got my gun back.