Original subtitles

We're on a limited budget, Cheyenne. Just because the diapers stay disposable

doesn't mean you can't use them twice.

What's going on?

Oh, Van's being all cheap again because he's waiting for the team to renew his

contract. What's your agent say?

I don't know. Let me ask him.

Van, what do you think about trying to get more money? Gee, Van, I think it's

best not to rock the boat.

He says it's best not to rock the boat.

Van, you can't be your own agent.

The team won't take you seriously.

What if I use a fake accent on the phone?

That offers a bloody insult.

Can you give us two more quid for the trolley?

Hey, you know what?

I could negotiate your deal.

Why, just yesterday I cried my way out of a ticket.

Are you both out of your minds?

Van, you need a professional.

A football career won't last forever.

And you need to get all the money you possibly can now.

All right, fine. I'll get a real agent. Good.

Let Brock be your agent.

I swear, I have to tell everybody to do everything all the time, and I'm getting

sick of it. Sick, sick, sick!

That one's got a right hairy temper, she does.

Hey!

Tell me who I want to be.

A single mom who works too hard, who loves her kids and never stops.

Oh, if he left the priesthood for you, the least you could do is go to Jamaica

with him.

Yeah, okay.

Call me when you get back.

Bye.

Florianne's not flying in?

No. I had so much I needed to talk to her about.

Well, you can talk to me.

Oh, thanks, Cheyenne. But most of it was about you, and you tend to take your

side.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, girl in blonde jokes.

Something about red hair, Kira.

Your lucky mom's here.

Congratulate me. The top agent in my league might represent me. Wow, that's

fantastic. Why not?

Yeah, what's the catch?

Well, she won't represent problem athletes.

So her big thing is to meet the family and check them out.

Wait, wait.

So she's going to judge us?

I hate being judged. I love judging.

You better give me plenty of warning before this woman comes over.

She'll be here in two hours. What?

Just deciding what to wear takes two hours.

Hold on, Michael. I'll be in my closet.

Don't worry, Van. We'll make you proud.

Proud? Look around this place, buddy. You live with the divorced mother of

teenage bride due to pregnancy, whose dad ran off with his dental assistant,

also with child.

I may claim to be pregnant just to fit in.

She's right.

We're practically circus people.

Practically? Put Barbara Jean in a tiny car and we can sell tickets.

Jake, why are you wearing last year's church suit?

Ben told me I had to dress up if I wanted to come out of my room so I

make him look bad.

Where's your new suit?

Remember for Halloween, how I asked if I could be a businessman who got stabbed

a thousand times, but you said no?

Well, I kind of already made the costume.

I'm sending myself to my room now.

So, how do I look?

Cheyenne, my agent's a woman. Put those away.

Guys, just calm down.

Everything's going to be fine.

Here we go. Here we go.

Is the sports agent here?

Oh, man, this is so exciting.

Jerry Maguire is my favorite movie ever.

I have written Tom Cruise over 1 ,500 letters.

Mrs. H, the circus is in town.

Barbara Jean, I'm sure the agent just wants to meet the family.

I am family.

And I would never miss a family meeting.

Especially when I'm all alone over there in that great big house, care off at a

concert. Walls closing in, bottle of Jack calling my name.

Yes,

Ted, I'm sure it's a very, very nice offer. You know what I think I'm going

do? I'll take it home and put it in the bottom of my birdcage. Now listen to me,

Ted. It's very simple.

My client makes your fans happy. And happy fans buy tickets and pay for

and enjoy that expensive tinkle water that you call beer.

I'll get that to you.

I'm so sorry.

Sadie Owens. Reba Hart. I'm Van's mother -in -law. That was awesome.

Tinkle water.

Oh, this is my wife, Cheyenne. Hi, nice to meet you. Barbatine Hart.

Hey, we've been at the same last name because I married her ex, Brock.

We're currently separated, but his teenage daughter, Kira, still lives with

even though Brock moved out.

He's on pills.

So, should we all sit down?

Oh, please sit. Yes, yes.

So this is my home.

These are my peeps.

Sadie, I just love that Jerry Maguire.

When Cuba Gooding Jr.

asked Tom Cruise if he shoplifted the pootie... I about spit up.

Yeah, it was a great film. Now, do you mind if I get to know the other people

here? Right.

Sadie, if you're wondering what kind of guy Vanny is or what his family's

like... Well, I can assure you we're not perfect, but we do have lots of love.

As a matter of fact... She said zip it!

So, Sadie. Oh, I just love that name.

How do you spell that? With a Y or an I -E?

I don't think anyone spells it with a Y.

So what's an I -E?

Knock it off, Cheyenne.

What do you care how she spelled it?

Would you ask her something bad? I will.

So how long have you been spelling it that way?

You threw me over.

Hey, everybody. Sorry I'm late.

Barbara Jean.

Brock.

Mr. H., I'm so glad you're here. This is Sadie Owens.

Brock Hart.

Hi. So, wow.

A woman sports agent, huh?

Yes, you know, women have made great strides in the last hundred years.

Great. Between you and your daughter, you're killing me.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that, for a while, I thought I

might represent Van.

Oh, are you an agent?

I'm a pro golfer.

And a part -time dentist.

Oh, you're the one on the pill.

Isn't he hilarious?

Don't you just want to laugh at him?

We have company judging us.

Barbara Jean, just because we're not living together doesn't mean we can't be

civil. Oh, Sadie, could you move the table? I'm going to roll around with

laughter.

Why are you being so hostile? You're the one who asked me to move out. Oh, and

you just sprinted towards the door, didn't you, big fella? Barbara Jean, Mr.

kitchen, now, so we can celebrate how well this is all going.

Somebody... put on a few in the keister. Oh, yeah, that'd stop you from looking

at it, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah, I'll look at it. I'll look at it.

Cheyenne, why don't you tell Sadie how you're studying to become a dentist? Oh,

yeah. I just really want to help teeth.

I'm sorry.

I'm just really nervous, and I'm trying really hard not to say the wrong thing,

but I keep saying the wrong thing.

They should have never gotten me pregnant and married at 17. Oh, my God!

Well, those are his peeps.

Look, I don't expect any family to be perfect.

I have kids and an ex -husband and a crazy family of my own. Yeah, but you

hadn't met all of them. Our other daughter, Kira, she lives with her dad.

Well, I have a daughter who lives with her father, too.

Oh, really? Yeah, I miss her like crazy, but she makes his life so miserable

that somehow it all evens out.

We have a lot in common.

You know, I was just saying this morning, how I miss having somebody I

relate to.

It gets lonely sometimes.

Tell me about it. I started talking to my bird.

But you, I mean, I don't understand how you can be lonely.

Well, you know, my girlfriend, she moved away, and she was supposed to come

visit this weekend, but she had to cancel because she's in this new

relationship.

Well, maybe you'll meet someone new.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe you and I could get together sometime and hang out.

Really? Yeah.

Well, yeah, sure.

You know, this is wild because this is actually what I've sort of been hoping

would happen ever since I switched teams.

Teams?

But if you're an agent, how can you... No, no, not sports teams.

Yeah, I got a divorce and then I realized I'm gay.

Oh.

It's just another thing we have in common.

Oh. No, it's okay. No, Van already told me you were gay.

So Van told you I was gay.

Was he not supposed to? I'm sorry. I mean, he was so upfront about it. Well,

truth is, he said you were super gay.

He did, did he?

Oh, he always was a talkative little poot.

Yeah, just talk, talk, talk.

Could you excuse me just for a second?

Let me ask you a question, Van.

Why did you tell Sadie I was gay?

What? I never said that. Why would I say that?

Did you tell her I was super gay? Oh, yeah. Stop!

Well, I didn't mean to. It's just Sadie and I were talking about our favorite

cities, and I said I really like Lubbock, and she mentioned San

wanted to sound clever and make a joke, but I don't know anything about San

Francisco but cable cars and gay people. Van!

So I made a joke about gay people, and it wasn't funny, apparently, because she

looks at me kind of offended and says, Van, I'm gay.

Do you have a problem with gay people? I'm like, no, no, not at all. My mother

-in -law's super gay.

You're going to go right in there right now and tell her the truth. Wait, Mrs.

H, if she knows I lied, she'll refuse to represent me. Believe me, lesbians do

not find this kind of thing funny.

They really don't.

And Mrs. H, if she doesn't represent me, then all the other agents will think

there's something wrong with me. And then who will be my agent then?

The golfing dentist with the bad accent?

I can't keep rationing diapers, Mom.

And I want things.

Shiny, fancy things.

Maybe you could just go with it for a few minutes.

Yeah, come on, Reba. What's a few minutes?

Yeah, just don't go to Massachusetts, Reba.

They're making them get married.

It's a little more complicated than just fibbing about it for a few minutes.

I may have already asked her out.

Wait a second, Mom. What exactly did you say?

Well, that maybe we could hang out sometime together.

Well, that seems pretty in a sense. Because my girlfriend moved out of town

I was lonely.

All right, just hang on a second. Saying maybe we could hang out doesn't mean

you ask her out on a date. Yeah.

Really? Absolutely. You got nothing to worry about.

Hey, guys, there's a boy in a tiny suit in there watching TV.

I'm sorry.

I was just coming out.

Oh, the kitchen. I was just coming out of the kitchen. Look, I have

to go anyway, but it's been real. No, wait a second, wait a second. This isn't

my real family.

They're circus people. All right, Van, Van.

I like them, and I'm looking forward to representing you.

What? You mean my agent? Mm -hmm.

It was great meeting you. Oh, thank you so much. Thanks.

I am so glad that's over with. I have never done myself in that situation

Hey, Reba, I almost forgot.

How about I pick you up tomorrow night at 8 and we can hang out?

Super.

your mother? It's almost time for her date.

Van, I would stop calling it that. And stop singing that song about her and

Sadie in a tree.

Did I miss it? Did you take pictures?

Oh my gosh, did they look adorable?

Oh, Reba.

You're definitely going to be the pretty one.

I don't think I can go through with this.

Mom, this is really important for our future, okay?

Sadie could take his career to a whole new level.

Sadie's a nice person. I don't like lying to her.

Mrs. H., I know this has been tough on you, but I promise you, the second the

deal is done, I will tell Sadie the truth.

I don't care what she thinks about me. You are more important to me.

Hey, I've got big news.

What news?

Is it about my deal? Is it done?

Is it good?

Well, if you consider a 25 % raise and an added third year good, then yeah, I'd

say it's pretty good. 25 % third year?

So it's all done?

It's all done.

We are so rich!

I'm so happy for you, man.

Thanks, Mrs. H.

Sadie, there's something I need to tell you. I know, and you're welcome.

But you just wait.

Until you see how badly we're going to nail them on your next three -year deal.

Have a nice dinner.

Yep.

Barbara Jean, could you give us a minute, please?

Oh, sure.

Oh, by the way, I have a suggestion on where you guys can go.

I have a suggestion where you can go, too.

I thought gay people were jolly.

Okay, Reba, what's going on?

Well, here's the thing.

It's a little bit funny, depending on your sense of humor.

You see, I'm a tiny little bit less gay than Van said I was.

Oh, so you're not super gay.

No. I have no powers of gayness whatsoever.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

When Van told you that, he was just trying to cover up some lame joke of

see. I see. I mean, you should have known this happens to me all the time.

See, I got no gaydar.

How am I supposed to meet women? I got no gaydar. I got no dates. I got

It's because I'm no good.

I'm bad. I am a bad lesbian.

Well, for as long as I've been a lesbian, I can tell you, it's not easy.

You know, when you come out of the closet, they never tell you how hard

going to be. You know, the TV shows and the magazines, they make it look so

easy. Oh, yeah, get out in the world. The women are waiting for you. Well, you

just look out there and tell me if you see any available women.

Yeah, it's ugly out there.

I don't know, I just... I just get a little lonely sometimes, that's all.

Yeah, I know.

Like when your best friend moves away and you think you found someone you

be friends with, but then you blow it by pretending to be gay.

Well, why do you think you blew it?

Well, if you lied to me, I wouldn't want to be friends with you.

Reba, I'm an agent. I'm gonna lie to you.

We both lie. That's another thing we have in common.

So I guess that means we can still go to dinner.

Well, I'm going to have to cancel the violinist, and you're going to have to

your own way.

Hey, you're not the kind of friend who runs off to Jamaica with a nun, are you?

Oh, won't make that mistake twice.

Wait a second.

I don't even wear contacts.

Where are you guys going?

Out to dinner. Don't wait up.

Oh, my gosh.

She turned Reba.

Elizabeth's going to have two grandmas.