Original subtitles

Oh, hello, Kevin. Oh, hi, Mr. Belvedere.

Someone having a sale of

used food?

Oh, no, this stuff's from my apartment. They're fumigating it for roaches and

everything had to go, including me.

Well, at least you didn't bring your dirty laundry.

It's in the car.

Toss in a box of Tide and push it in the river.

Yeah, come on in, Carl.

Hi, Kevin.

Can I borrow your history notes?

Oh, I just came back from a date.

With who? The Temptations?

I had high tea with Esther Blodgett.

Who? She's a 68 -year -old widow with bursitis.

Carl, what are you talking about?

It's my new part -time job.

I provide companionship for lonely women.

Oh, yeah? That's really nice.

Yeah. And it pays a bundle.

Huh? I'm a professional escort.

Hey, you sure this is legal? Yeah. And the agency's always on the lookout for

clean -cut, suave -looking guys like me.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. So, if you see any, give me a call.

Is there something interesting on the news?

No, we're looking for Dad.

But he's gone to Russia.

We're watching a protest march in Moscow.

Now we know he's arrived.

I think it's really neat. I mean, my father's a sportscaster in this cultural

exchange program.

Yeah, but I don't get it. I mean, Pittsburgh sent them dead, and all we

a dancing bear.

Sounds like a fair trade to me.

I can't believe this.

Heating bill, $670.

Electric bill, $510.

It's just horrible. We're going to have to cut back on expenses.

You could fire my violin, teacher.

I could cut back on liquor and cigarettes.

Very funny. No, we're just going to have to start by cutting back on unnecessary

expenses. Like all this junk. Oh, please, Mrs. Owens.

Let's not panic.

We have to do something.

Do you have any ideas, Mr. Belvedere? Oh, many.

But it would involve a good deal of sacrifice.

And I don't think you're up to it.

Says who?

Yeah. Well, if you're so determined, I think I could implement a few energy

-saving measures for the house.

Wonderful. When do we start?

No time like the present.

Never met him before.

Who cares when you dropkick the jacket?

As he came through the door, no one glared. But sometimes things get turned

around and no one's spared.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our...

Mr.

Belvedere, it's getting cold in here.

Can't we turn up the heat?

I tried, but there's a padlock on the thermostat.

Nice touch, don't you think?

There's no hot water.

Of course there is. You just have to pay for it with a ration coupon.

Huh? We used them in England during the war. We were lost in so much clothing,

so much food, so much gas.

Guess you had plenty of both.

So you're really going to stick us with those things?

Indeed. And if you spend them wisely, you'll be able to have all the

conveniences that you need.

Like hot water.

reruns of Gilligan's Island.

Gee, that's right. It's on now.

You're gonna be great, buddy. I can tell you're a natural.

Gee, Kev, you must have a really hot date.

Yeah, bring her over. We could stand around her and warm our hands.

Where are you going, honey?

I'm, uh, starting a new job tonight.

Oh? So, uh, what exactly is your new job, Kevin?

Well, I'm in what you might call a service industry.

Yeah, he sort of gets dressed up and provides a service.

Like a doctor?

More like a babysitter. What?

Mom, I'm an escort.

You mean those people that women pay to go out with them?

Yeah. Oh, wow, my brother's...

I can assure you, Mrs. Owens, Kevin is a highly trained Ed's Affordable Escorts

professional. There's absolutely no hanky -panky involved.

Oh, gee, Kevin, I don't know about this. I don't like it at all.

But, uh, you're old enough to make your own decisions.

Thanks, Mom.

Regardless of how your mother feels.

Come along, children.

I can't do this. Yes, you can. Come on, Kevin. All you have to do is take out a

nice, sweet old lady. What's the big deal?

So I said to my ex, I says, Lou, the minute the ink is dry in the divorce

settlement, I'm jumping the first set of young bones that gets in my way. And

it's you, sweet cheeks, jumping.

Uh, no.

Thanks, I don't drink. Suit yourself.

Excuse me, can you drop me off at the next corner? I live there.

At the sewage treatment plant.

I'm a student. The rent's cheap.

Okay, I'll drop you.

After one more turn around the city.

It's freezing in here.

Yeah, well, it's going to warm up pretty quick.

What's the matter?

I thought you said I'd get a sweet old lady.

Did you?

Hardly. I got this crazy sex bot who cornered me in a limo and wouldn't take

hands off me. I'm shocked.

What's your number?

Carl, this isn't funny. I've got a Corinthian leather rash you wouldn't

I've had it.

Kevin, I'm disappointed in you. One bad experience and you quit? I thought you

were a professional.

How do you ever expect to get anywhere in life?

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

You want something, don't you?

All you have to do is take a sweet old lady out on the town.

No way. Oh, come on. It's an emergency.

Oh? What's her name?

Claudette. You mean that French exchange student from France?

Oui, oui, oui.

Forget it. Oh, I could introduce you to her American cousin, Fifi Lipschitz.

I'm Florence.

Is something the matter?

Well, I was expecting someone a little bit older.

Oh. Well, um, these are for you.

Oh, well, thank you.

So, where are we off to this evening?

Well, that depends.

Have you ever heard of Tex Beneke?

Oh, yeah, I know him.

Shortstop for the Red Sox, right?

Okay.

Can you do the jitterbug?

No. but I have a nervous tick.

Oh, dear.

I did ask specifically for someone who could dance.

I just knew that that escort thing wouldn't work.

It is the last time I'm going to get a date out of the Yellow Pages.

Hey, come on. Wait a minute.

If it means anything, I was the hokey -pokey champ in the third grade.

Well,

I already had the tickets, and it sure beats sitting at home watching the

Girls.

So what do you say we give it a shot?

Let's go, pal.

Tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety

-tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety

-tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety

-tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety

-tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety

-tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety -tickety

-tickety

-tickety -tickety

-tick

Boy, it sounds like you two had a lot of fun. Oh, we really did.

I still miss him.

Say, how about a cup of coffee for the road?

Oh, I wish I could, but I've got an early class.

I should go.

Oh, haven't you forgotten something?

What? Your fee.

Oh, I forgot all about that. Here you go. Hey, keep the change.

Thanks.

Here. You know, I had such a good time tonight. I feel kind of strange taking

this. Hey.

Count Basie's band's coming to town next week.

Are you up to learning the lindy?

You bet.

Mr.

Belvedere, what happened to the telephone?

Right here.

A payphone? How am I supposed to call Angela?

Try collect.

Forget it. I'll just drive to her house.

Oh, Heather.

You've used up all your gas coupons.

What happened to you?

The sweet old lady I went out with last night wasn't sweet, wasn't old, and at

about 10 o 'clock I found out he wasn't a lady.

See, Carl, that's too bad.

What's going on with you, pal?

I was just down at the agency and they told me you turned down your last three

jobs. So?

So I might have to refund my finder's fee.

Oh, I've been busy.

With what?

With Florence. We've been seeing a lot of each other.

Oh, oh.

I get it. She's been paying you under the table. Good scam, Kev. Carl, I'm not

charging her.

What?

Well, I'm seeing her because I like her.

That's sick.

Hey, come on. She's a sweet old lady.

She's probably living off Social Security.

What do you want me to do, squeeze every last dime out of her?

I would.

Flo, you are a maniac behind the wheel. I mean, you sent those two sailors

flying.

You put me in a bumper car and I lose all control.

Would you like a drink?

Yeah, I'll just have whatever you're having.

All right, one prune juice coming up.

Say, how did you make out on your ancient history exam?

Well, I got a C minus.

You should have called me.

I probably was there.

Flo, you have a really great sense of humor. You do, too, to put up with me.

What are you talking about?

You're a lot more fun to go out with than most of the girls I usually date.

We really do get along, don't we?

Yeah, sure. I think so.

Me, too.

So as I say, what the hey, let's do it.

You mean the two of us here right now?

We could wait a couple of weeks. We could make it a big event. I could

all your friends and relatives.

You mean to watch?

Well, certainly.

I could rent some chairs and get Beverly, my neighbor, to sing.

Florence, what are we talking about?

Our wedding.

Our what?

Are you... You're proposing to me?

Sure, why not?

Well, I don't know. I mean, this is all so sudden.

I mean, I'm still in college. People in college get married?

I don't even have a job. Neither do I. That gives us more time together.

No, Florence, I really... Oh, look, if it's the money you're worried about, I

have more than enough for the two of us. Florence, I refuse to live off your

Social Security.

Who's talking about Social Security?

I have seven million dollars in the bank.

Remodeling it.

Why are you all out here? It's freezing.

It's warmer out here than it is in there.

This stuff sure doesn't throw much heat.

What are you burning, anyway?

Your immigration papers.

I'd get anything for a hot meal.

You could have had one.

If you hadn't blown all your ration coupons on your Lady Norelco.

Hey, let's go down to the railroad tracks.

I hear it's stew night.

What are we waiting for?

Well, no sense in wasting a good fire.

Ah, hello, Kevin.

Care to join me?

No, thanks.

Mr. Belvedere, what do you think about marrying an older woman?

If the Queen Mother asks me, I might consider it.

He's talking about me.

I was afraid of that.

See, I met this really nice lady, Florence. We've been getting along

she asked me to marry her.

How old is this very nice lady?

Sixty -five.

Kevin, why would you even consider marrying a 65 -year -old woman?

Because she loves me.

And she has seven million dollars that she wants to leave all to me.

Will you be needing a housekeeper?

This is serious, Mr. Belvedere.

Look, Kevin.

Answer me one question.

If Florence didn't have all that money, would you still want to marry her?

Good night, Kelly.

Good

night.

Mom, everybody, I have an announcement.

I'm getting married.

What? Who?

Oh, nobody special. Just some girl.

What girl?

Well, actually, she's more than a girl. She's actually kind of like a woman.

And I met her at work.

You're marrying some bimbo who's been paying you to squire her around town?

Gee, Kev, you must have squired her pretty good.

Hey, look, guys.

Hey, don't. Hey, look, guys. Me, mister. I saw the graduate. I know all about...

aged women trying to get their hooks into innocent young boys.

Mom. I can just see her. She probably wears four tons of jewelry and two

of makeup.

It's not like that. I want to meet this woman tonight.

Here, face to face.

Oh, this is like being at the equator.

Yeah. It must be almost 65 degrees in here.

Get too comfortable.

There's a cold front on its way.

little robbing hussy.

Mom, take it easy, please.

I won't rest until I've had it out with that tramp.

You know, you're really over the top here.

I am not. The mother lioness must protect her lionet.

Is there anything like the mother raisin must protect her raisinets?

As long as I draw breath, no son of mine is going to be eaten alive by some

oversexed she -wolf.

Can I help you? Mrs. Owens?

I'm Florence Talbot.

Who? Kevin's fiancé.

Kevin,

can we have a word?

All right, young man. What is going on?

What do you mean?

Just exactly how old is your fiancé?

Sixty -five and a half.

Do you think this is funny?

Why didn't you tell me this before?

Anyway, would it have made any difference?

All right, Kevin.

Let's, uh... Let's try to discuss this reasonably.

Okay. You think you want to marry this Florence person.

Just tell me why.

She loves me. Oh, come on, Kevin. The woman is three times your age. It's got

be more to it than that.

Super Poly Group.

Are you and Kevin planning on having kids right away?

Why don't you children go and play in the traffic?

Scram.

What do you think they're talking about in

there?

a marriage between a 20 -year -old boy and a woman who's old enough to know

better.

You don't mince words, do you?

Not where Kevin is concerned.

You know, it occurs to me that I really didn't think this thing through.

Well, if it's any consolation to you, I don't think Kevin did either.

Look, Kevin, I'm sure that Florence is a very nice person, but she's nearly 70

years old.

in front of you.

What about your future?

What future?

I mean, let's face it, Mom. I'm an ordinary guy.

I studied my butt off at school and I still have a C average.

So?

So the woman is worth seven million dollars.

I mean, what am I ever going to do in life that's going to top that?

Florence.

I think I've created enough trouble tonight.

sounded pretty awful.

Oh, that's all right.

I've always admired your honesty.

You're not much of a dancer, but you are honest.

The thing is, I really do like you.

I don't know what happened.

You know, I remember something my husband said years ago, just before he

He said, Flo, you're going to be a rich lady.

And after I'm gone, I want you to go out and buy yourself something nice.

I guess that's what I tried to do.

Thanks.

Well, listen, we can still see each other sometime.

Sure. Look, if Les Brown ever comes to town, we can go out and cut a rug.

You have got yourself a date.

Well, I better go.

Sure.

By the way, how old is that housekeeper of yours?

It's paid off.

I can't believe it. It's $3 higher than last month.

No way.

There must be some mistake.

Maybe Mr. Belvedere can figure it out.

I did.

Once. I'd be crazy to do it again.

I'm sure you can see the humor in all this.

Besides, think how all this privation has brought you together.

Perhaps I'd better go and see if Dorothy's little company in Red Square.

That's for done.

Mr.

Belvedere will be right back.

Are you abusing me?

Deadly Silence, Sunday.

Kevin has recovered nicely from the trauma of losing a woman three times his

age.

He has returned briefly to the trauma of losing girls his own age.

As for the rest of the Owens, while they may have warmed up physically, they are

still freezing me out over my little practical joke.

But there is an upside to the big chore.

I don't have to go downstairs to get an Eskimo pie.

I'm Ted Koppel. Later on Nightline, it's Charlie Chaplin's 100th birthday this

Sunday, and there'll be special commemorations around the world.

We'll celebrate tonight.

Tuesday at 8, Samantha and Mona plan a night on the town to drown their

boyfriend, Blues, on Who's the Boss?

Then little brother Kevin comes to the rescue of his big sister on the window.