Original subtitles

I think I better stay home from school today.

56 .6?

Huh? Next time, Wesley, try running it under the hot water.

Go sit down and eat, young man. You're getting a little too old to be playing

games like this.

Yes, ma 'am. One of these days, you're going to have a job and

and you won't be able to wriggle at things just by pretending you're sick.

I don't feel good.

32 PSI.

George, that's the tire gauge.

Yeah, well, I couldn't find the thermometer.

Here it is, Dad.

George Owens, are you faking, too?

No, my throat's just a little scratchy.

Does this sudden case of tonsillitis have anything to do with your covering

Pittsburgh Flower Show?

I shouldn't have to cover junk like that.

I'm a sportscaster.

I should be out smelling jocks, not roses.

I don't believe this. You know, you are setting the worst possible example for

your son. I don't mind.

All right, now the two of you go upstairs and get dressed and go wherever

you're supposed to be going. Go ahead, now.

Nicely done.

Never matters for who cares when you dropkick the jacket. As you came through

the door, no one glared. But sometimes things get turned around and no

one's spared.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our...

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Owens residence?

No, I'm sorry, there's nobody here.

Where are they?

Who cares?

Danny Jr., hi.

Yes, this is Mr. Belvedere speaking. I'm calling about John Wesley.

No, he hasn't been arrested.

He's simply feeling a bit under the weather. Is quite true.

Anybody home?

Hello, WBN News?

Yes, Lynn Belvedere here, George Owens' housekeeper.

Anyway, George won't be able to pose with the pose he's on TV today.

He came down with a touch of the Slavic flu.

Probably picked it up test driving a Yugo.

Yes,

I'm sure he'll be fine tomorrow.

double feature Nazi nudists and bunker babes?

Is that dubbed or subtitled?

Yeah, thanks.

Uh -oh.

Les, why aren't you at school?

Well, I was, but we had a fire drill and they told us all to go home and come

back dressed like Cat Calloway.

Hey, listen, pal, you may think this is funny.

But if my old man ever caught me playing hooky, I wouldn't be able to sit down

for a week.

Now go get changed, get your books, and get your butt back down here. I'm taking

you to school.

Yes, sir.

Hey, wait a minute. How come you're here?

What? Weren't you supposed to be at that flower show?

Hey, you're playing hooky, too.

I'm afraid it's your mother.

Probably forget my head if it wasn't screwed on right.

That was close.

Yeah. Anyway, I'll go up and get my books.

Okay.

You know, that was kind of fun.

We haven't goofed around like that since I was a little kid.

Hey, Wes.

Want to goof around some more?

And anyway, here's old Ringo Owens, at least before we took his drums away.

Hey, there's you, pal. Running up the phone bill.

Whoops, there's your sister.

Hard to believe she was ever that little.

Hard to believe she ever sold any cookies.

Okay, get ready, pal.

Here's your old... Pop is a baby.

Okay, West Van.

What are you up for now?

Hey, I know.

Let's go break the bank in Atlantic City and then pick us up a couple of

cocktail waitresses.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we drive on up to Kitchikinney Lake and do a little fishing?

Just the two of us.

Hey, that'll be great, Dad.

I'd rather be with you than some dumb kino girl anyway.

Can you imagine?

Sure. For now.

Attention,

food basket shoppers. Attention, food basket shoppers.

Today's fresh fish special, succulent New Jersey flounder. No skin, no bones,

syringes.

Donuts. Great. I'll get the beer and the bait.

I got root beer instead.

Something the matter, Wes?

No, it's just I found an open bag of Oreos here and there's no donuts left

there.

Nah, he can't be. He's still on his diet.

Mmm.

Striped shortbread.

Hello, Lynn.

Back for another sample?

You know how I feel about your cheese?

Are you sure that's all it is, Lynn? I mean, is it my brie or is it me?

I'm not sure, guys.

I've never had you sit on my ritz.

Let's go, pal.

We're burning daylight.

Hey, big guy. Hello, George.

What are you doing here?

Me? Why aren't you at work?

Why aren't you at school?

Why aren't you nauseous?

Stay cool. Nobody will get hurt.

Okay. Open these babies. We ain't got all day.

Bill, get the money.

Bill, money.

Hey, Lloyd.

What are you calling me, Lloyd, for? We're supposed to be using our code

I tried that. You did not respond to your code name.

I'm sorry, Benny.

I mean, Ted.

Ted, get the money. Okay, okay.

All right, empty them and put all the cash in the bag.

Do you want paper or plastic?

It doesn't matter.

I don't think these guys have done this before.

They certainly lack healthiness.

Well, who cares?

Just let them get the money and get out of here.

Okay, I got it.

What's this?

25 lousy bucks?

I thought this place was open all night. It is.

Well, where's the rest of the dough? It's in the safe. It always gets put

when the ship changes.

Well, open it. Don't look at me. The manager has the combination.

Well, where is he hiding?

I bet it's that guy in the suit with all the donuts.

No, he's with us. I think that's the manager over there.

Just open it, get the money, we'll get out of everybody's hair.

Well, Westman, it looks like we might make it up to the lake after all.

leave this, where'd you go and set the alarm off for? I told you we will leave

it. I'm sorry. I guess I lost my head.

Food basket, where every day is double coupon day.

Oh, just a second. Let me ask.

It's the police. They want to speak to the dirtbag in charge. That's you,

Vinnie.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can see out there, big deal.

Yeah. No, don't worry. Everybody's fine.

The hostages are fine.

Hostages? Are we hostages? No.

everything is fine.

They're fine, but they won't be unless you clowns give in to our demands.

What are they?

Perhaps you could have them send in some sandwiches.

Yeah, maybe they could send in some sodas, too.

Hey, moron, we're in a supermarket.

So?

Look, tell them to call back in an hour, my comrades, and I will issue a full

compliment of our demands.

Save the planet.

I just told them not to sound political. They take you more serious that way.

Good thinking, Vinnie. Excuse me, but how much longer is this going to take?

ship ended a half hour ago.

Yeah, and I'm missing love connections.

I just hope, I just hope that everybody just... Shut up!

Now, nobody is going nowhere.

Hey, look, Vinnie, Ted, Alice, whatever.

Look, we're just getting in the way here. What do you say we just slip out

back and forget the whole thing ever happened?

Hey, look, I told you, nobody's going out that door.

Everybody just make yourselves comfortable.

Get something to eat or something.

There's some nice, fresh crab legs in the seafood section.

Oh, I'll go and find some cocktail sauce.

Hey, put that down. Give me the bread back. No, give me the bread back. Give

the bread back.

We'll return to the light touch of Lanzarone following this special news

The food basket hostage crisis, day one.

It's... Although the gunmen have not yet disclosed their demands, sources

confirm they did use the phrase, save the planet, prompting police to

they may be up against a radical environmental faction, such as Germany's

Forest Brigade or a similar eco -terrorist group.

If you hear something like that, it really puts things into perspective.

Oh?

Yeah. I mean, you think you've got it real bad.

And then you see what those poor hostages are going through.

Makes all your problems seem so petty.

We got the phone bill today, didn't we?

Okay, we want a Learjet gassed and ready to go.

Twelve million in unmarked bills.

Ones and fives, they're harder to trace.

Oh, yeah, and, uh, we also want a TV news crew in here.

You mean why?

Uh, because, uh, because, uh, because our tropical rainforests are under

Siege! Under siege!

Yeah. It's high time the people of Earth found out about it.

How you holding up, big guy?

Well, there are still cookies left, if that's what you mean.

This is all my fault.

If I'd have just taken Wes back to school and gone and done that stupid

show like I was supposed to, we wouldn't be in this mess.

I still would.

Look, George, don't be so hard on yourself, wanting to spend time with

No? I mean, after all, when he's at home, you're usually at work. And when

you're at home, he's usually at detention.

Hey, what's with the union's cookies anyway?

I thought you were still on a diet.

It pains me to say I fell off the wagon some weeks ago.

But I never see you eating this junk at home.

That's because I eat it at my storage facility under the expressway.

I'm so ashamed.

to go to the bathroom.

I'm sorry. It's against store policy.

Oh, yeah?

Tell that to those roll -up prune things I just ate.

You have the key for crying out loud.

All right, all right.

Just don't lose it.

brought you some aspirin. Oh, thank you.

Just have it, I guess.

Oh, do

you really think they might kill us?

I've just had a pizza straight from the freezer.

At this point, I'm counting on it.

It's funny.

When I was a child, we used to spend our summers at the Jersey Shore.

There used to be this lady, all dressed up like a Dutch girl, handing out free

samples of fudge at this cute little candy shop by the pier.

And I thought, oh, how happy she must be, bringing so much joy to so many

people.

Years later, I realized how bitter she must have been.

People always taking, taking, never giving anything back. Just taking,

until she had nothing left to give.

Well, there's more to me than cheese balls, buddy.

Maybe just once I'd like someone to sample me at room temperature.

Hey, look, Wes.

I got us a couple of suckers.

Whoa.

What are you doing looking at this stuff?

I don't know. I just woke up one day and for some reason it seemed...

Interesting. Yeah, well, it happens to the best of us.

Hey, Wes, we never really did have that talk, did we?

You know, about the birds and the bees.

You mean about sex?

That's what they already talked about with Mr.

Belvedere.

Oh, yeah? What did he say?

I don't know. Something like, for the sake of all mankind, don't have any.

I'm sorry I got us into this mess.

Oh, that's okay.

Sure beats going to that stupid locker room.

Huh?

Dad, if I told you why I didn't want to go to school today, you'd promise not to

laugh.

Well, sure, pal.

Well, you know how in junior high they make you take gym?

Well, after you take gym, they make you take a shower, and I don't think I like

that too much.

Oh.

Kind of embarrassing, huh?

I just feel weird walking around naked.

Especially around a bunch of stupid hairy guys I don't even know.

I felt the same way taking my draft physical.

That's okay, pal.

Someday you're going to be one of those hairy guys yourself.

In the meantime, if it bothers you so much, just do what I used to do.

What's that, Dad?

sneak into the girls' locker room and take a shower with them.

Okay, everybody, look sharp. We're going to be on TV.

What? Hey, Dad, didn't that guy come in on your station?

Oh, God, it's Skip.

Okay, as you can see, the hostages are okay. Nobody's been hurt.

Good for them.

I never felt more miserable.

George?

Oh, Skip?

I thought you were sick with the Slavic flu.

Hey, you, news guy.

What about our demands?

I mean, what's happening with the money?

Yeah, and the rainforests, too.

Don't even talk to me about plants.

Thanks. To you, I had to go to that stupid flower show.

I spent the entire morning in a pollen -induced frenzy.

Look, Mr. Hollings, don't be so hard on George.

Who are you?

Lynn Belvedere, Mr.

Owens' housekeeper.

Do you have a housekeeper?

Hey, guys!

I'm the anchor bandit. I don't have a housekeeper. I don't even have a house.

Hey, Skip, how much are they paying you anyway?

Hey, you guys want to hold it down?

Uh -huh.

Yeah, I understand.

Okay, I'll, uh... I'll tell them.

Well? The cops.

They said no deal, Vinnie.

You mean no deal. They just said they don't negotiate with terrorists.

Oh, swell.

So what are we going to do now, Vinnie? I don't know. Let me think. I got to

think. Giving up before anybody gets hurt is a good idea. I don't know. Maybe

should.

Hey, forget it. I'm not going back to no jail.

We were happy there once.

Look, you can do what you want.

I'm getting out of here. And I'm taking one of them.

Okay, kid, we're going for a little ride.

Hey, keep him out of this.

If you want to take somebody, take me.

Fine, let's go.

Hey, you can't take my dad. He might get hurt. Take that anchor guy. Nobody will

miss him.

Excuse me, gentlemen, but I volunteer.

Oh, yeah?

I mean, physically, I'm the best shield.

And philosophically, I'd just as soon get it over with anyway.

Well, get what over with?

Your insight into the environment, it's keener than you think.

What's he talking about?

Acid rain.

They're killing off of our lakes and forests.

Sludge and sewage, poisoning our oceans.

If the chemicals of the air don't get you, the preservatives in these donuts

will.

Come on, pal.

It ain't as bad as all that.

Is it?

As far as I'm concerned, I'm going to die of lead poisoning.

I'd just as soon as do it now in a hail of gunfire than slowly from a plate of

lead -lined langostino. Shall we?

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute. Nobody wants to die, right? I mean,

ain't somebody doing something about this environment stuff?

I thought you were.

If we went back to prison, we could write some letters.

Maybe even get some of the other guys to help.

You know, those psychos in solitary, was it? Sonny and Tyrone, they're always

looking to get involved.

Exactly. And in a few years, maybe eight to ten, and with a few more letters,

who knows?

We may be able to save this planet and have you to thank for it.

Hey, you're right.

We can make a difference.

I just wanted to say how wonderful you were back there.

The way you handled those desperate men, I thought my heart would melt like a

pound of Monterey Jack.

It was really nothing.

And I'd also like to apologize, you know, for what happened.

We sample people who are usually discouraged from showing our true

sometimes we just go a little berserk.

It's just that when you kept coming by so often, I couldn't help...

But think, it wasn't just the cheese you liked, but maybe you sort of liked me,

too.

Not at all.

Ready to go, pal?

Yeah, sure.

Boy, we don't spend the day together often.

But when we do, it's a doozy. Yeah, that's for sure.

So what do you want to do tomorrow?

be right back.

At any rate, our little supermarket escapade is now behind us.

We returned home to find Mrs. Owens had dinner waiting on the table, thus

beginning the second ordeal of the day.

As for my diet, I vow to start producing again tomorrow.

But first, I must produce my inventory.

Gonna be a bumpy night.

I'm Ted Koppel. Later on Nightline, a new gag rule in Great Britain and some

alarming steps to...