Original subtitles

Wesley,

what are you doing?

Morning, sir.

I'm making your favorite breakfast.

Oh, really?

It's a waffle.

Except I broke the waffle iron, so I had to make pancakes. But I'm using Dad's

golf shoes to make the little holes.

That's very ingenious, Wesley.

However, I might have removed the grass and mud first.

Well, anyway, I'm eating some fresh -squeezed orange juice.

out the seeds with my own fingers.

How thoughtful.

So do I get to go to England with you? No.

But I want to be there when the queen hits you with a sword, makes you OBGYN.

Wesley, she's not making me a gynecologist.

She's giving me the OBE, the Order of the British Empire, for services

And nobody renders them better than you.

So can I go?

As I've already told your brother and sister, I shall decide who goes based on

my own criteria, not on transparent attempts at buffering me up.

Good morrow, my liege. Your Majesty.

George, have you seen my civil law briefs?

No, but I've seen your cute little pink ones.

Great. Maybe I'll just hand those in.

Uh -oh.

Want some syrup on your waffle?

How about some weed killer?

I think you should take me, Mr. Belvedere. Then you'll have someone to

with at the Royal Bar.

Forget it, Heather. No dogs allowed.

Maybe they'll like to chase the foxes.

Listen, both of you, this is how it will be decided.

Each of you will write an essay in 50 words or less on why I want to go to

England. The entries will be due this afternoon.

And the decision of the judge, that's me, will be final. Any questions?

Can you enter as often as you like?

Look out, gang.

Mom alert.

Coffee, Mrs. Owens? No, I don't have time.

I was too busy trying to scrape this candy bar off my assignment.

Oh.

I wondered where it was.

I'll be a little late. I've got something to do.

Leslie, can't you ever hang this up like we do?

Sorry.

Mom's in a good mood.

Yeah, she's been like this all week.

She's even been jumping all over me, and I'm her favorite.

I don't know, guys.

Maybe it's school or something.

Yes. Yes, all right. I'll give her the message.

Who was that? Dr. Benjamin, confirming Mrs. Owen's appointment for this

afternoon. Dr. Benjamin?

Who's he?

You guys ought to know him. He delivered all three of you.

What's Mom need a baby doctor for?

Don't look at me.

Sometimes things get turned around and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

I don't see Mom yet.

Come on, Wes.

Boy, I can't wait till she has the baby. It'll almost be better than getting a

dog.

Will you relax? We don't even know for sure if she's pregnant.

Yeah, but you know what it means if she is?

They still... Do what?

Mom back yet?

Not yet.

I got first dibs on listening to her stomach.

Look, Wes, your mom doesn't know we know anything, so let's just let her tell us

in her own way.

Hey, she's here!

Okay, everybody, just act natural.

Hi, everybody.

Hi!

Yeah, hi.

So, how was school today, Marsh?

Fine. Go over here and pick some coffee. Want a cup? Not now.

How about some pickles and ice cream?

Wes.

Dr. Benjamin called after you left this morning.

Oh.

Look, I didn't want to say anything until I knew one way or the other.

So are you going to have a baby?

I don't know. I'll find out tomorrow.

Oh, look, honey, either way, I'm thrilled.

Thanks.

Well, I'm going to go upstairs and lie down. Yeah, you go rest up.

I'll be up in a while.

Or not.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

This medal is a great, great honor.

I'll put it with the others.

Getting ready for the prom?

Hello, George.

Pretty excited about your trip, huh? Mm -hmm.

So, uh, what's this little doohickey the Queen's giving you?

This little doohickey is the order of the British Empire.

What empire?

Decided on who you're taking?

Not yet.

How about me?

I wouldn't mind leaving the country.

Are you hearing the pattern of the little feet?

Well, it's sort of caught me off guard. I mean, Marcia and I pretty much agreed

to stop after having Wesley.

That certainly would have stopped me.

The thing is, Belvedere, I'm not getting any younger.

I mean, I'll start off feeding him baby food.

By the time he gets to college, he'll be feeding it to me.

Calm down, George.

I mean, with Marcia going to law school, there's going to be a lot of stuff she

won't have time to do.

Making bottles, changing diapers, toilet training.

Somebody's got to do it.

Sure glad you're here, big guy.

Wesley, keep your eyes on your own paper.

Okay.

Ah, Kevin, you're just in time. We're going to read the essays.

Oh, yes, sure.

Thank you.

Now, let me see.

Heather writes, I want to go to England because there is no finer place for a

young lady to learn the social graces, proper deportment, and all that other

good cultural stuff, which I believe will be a great asset to me as I enter

womanhood.

Wesley writes, I want to go to England because no other country has experienced

such a rich pageant of history.

From the Romans to the Norman invasion to the Battle of Britain, the people

endured and prospered.

It would be an honor for me to visit this precious stone set in the silver

this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

And finally, Kevin writes, I want to go to England because there's going to be a

big party and I might get lucky.

I think we have a winner.

What? Him?

Mm -hmm. At this time, I'm rewarding honesty.

She never told us that. Good show.

Hey, guys.

Hello. Hello, Miss Jones.

Has the doctor called yet? I'm afraid not.

He should have called by now.

Wait till you don't change something to do.

I was gonna go to England.

Well, let's go upstairs instead.

Hi, honey. How do you feel?

You mean, do I feel pregnant?

I don't know how I feel.

Hey, look, even if you do have a baby, it's no big deal.

I mean, we got Belvedere.

You'll still be able to finish law school and everything.

Oh, sure I will.

Yeah, sure you will. No, I won't.

I know how I am.

I'll stay home with the baby and be a good mother, and everything I want will

get pushed back another ten years. Hey, come on, Marsh. Don't start with the...

I can't believe it. It's exactly like last time.

Everything was all set.

Kevin and Heather were old enough. They were both in school. It was finally

going to be my turn. Then Wesley comes along and screws up everything.

Hey, Wes.

Oh, hi, honey.

Yeah, hi.

Hey, uh, what do you got there, champ?

Oh, it's for my science project.

I'm going to go out and catch some fireflies, see if they'll mate in

What are you going to do, drop them off at a roach motel?

Thank you, doctor. Thank you very much.

Good news?

I'm not pregnant.

I'm sorry, honey.

It looks like you won't be getting a little brother or sister.

Well, that's okay, Mom.

At least you won't have another kid to screw up your life like I did.

Looks like you're doing pretty good.

It's easy.

Fireflies are stupid, even for bugs.

Look, honey, I'm sorry about what you heard in there.

You're sorry I heard?

No, I mean, I'm sorry I said it.

I was upset, and sometimes when we're upset, we say things we don't mean.

Mm -hmm.

Remember that fight you had last week with Howie Huffnagle?

And you said that you hated him and you never wanted to see him again.

You didn't really mean that, did you?

Yeah.

Look, honey, maybe when you came along, you did sort of catch Mommy by surprise.

But I love you very, very much, and I always have.

So you mean you were never ever unhappy that I was born?

Not for one single second.

Liar.

Wes?

Come in.

All tucked in, champ?

Yep. I said my prayers and everything.

I snuck you up some cookies.

Those are Mr.

Belvedere's. I know. I swiped them out of his underwear drawer.

Thanks, but I'm not hungry.

I just want to go to sleep.

That's okay, pal.

I'm not going to keep you up.

I just wanted to make sure you're okay.

I'm okay.

Good.

Because your mom really loves you.

It's just she's under a lot of pressure with school, and we've got to do

everything we can to make things easier on her.

Don't worry.

I'll do my part.

Atta boy.

Good night, buddy.

Bye.

Kevin, it's almost six. Let's get cracking.

Word. Katie, you're still in pajamas.

I figured I'd sleep on the plane.

Let's get ready.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere. Where's Wesley?

I don't know. I guess he's still in bed.

Well, tell him if he wants to go to the airport, he better get up now.

Morning, you big dealers.

So, everybody ready to go? I am.

Here, Mr. Belvedere. I made you a little something for the plane. I know how you

feel about airline food.

I feel differently now.

Mr. Belvedere, but I read it anyway.

Dear Mr. Belvedere, by the time you read this, I'll probably be halfway to

Atlantic City.

I don't want to be what I'm not wanted, and I don't want Mom to have to go on

pretending that she likes me.

I guess it's good that this finally came out. At least now I'll have time to

start a new life for myself in the casino business.

Anyway, it's been nice knowing you, and tell everybody goodbye, and tell Mom no

hard feelings.

Okay, I'm ready to hit the road.

I think we all are.

Excuse me, I'd like to buy a one -way ticket to Atlantic City, please.

Okay, kid, that'll be $27 .50.

That much?

I'm afraid I'm a little short.

Look, kid, I... Come on, can't you give me a discount? I don't take up much

room. I'll even sit on some lady's lap. They go for that.

Get out of here.

Hey, that's my seat.

Oh, sorry.

That's my seat, too.

Don't even think about that one.

Can I get you something?

Hot cocoa, and don't be stingy with the marshmallow.

Coming right up.

Looks like you had a rough night, huh?

I've had worse.

You traveling alone?

Yeah, what if I am?

So nothing.

You want something else?

Yeah. How about a job?

What?

It'll only be temporary, though. I'm working my way to Atlantic City.

I want to be a pit boss trainee.

Really? I'm going to get a hotel room on Baltic Avenue. I hear the rent's still

pretty cheap.

Look, kid, believe me.

I'm kind of busy, so why don't you just call your mom or something? I'm sure

she's real worried.

Yeah, sure.

Look, I'll work real hard, and I promise I won't eat much. Look, kid. I'll put

my tips with you. Yeah, that's tempting, but sorry.

Fine, if you won't give me a job, maybe some other stranger will. Oh, hold it.

All right, come here.

Put on the apron and then start cleaning up, okay?

Thanks, you won't regret it.

You're kind of cute, you know that?

Don't get hooked on me, lady. I'm bad news.

That was excellent service, young man.

Just doing my job.

This is for you.

Oh, a quarter.

Thank you, ma 'am.

Maybe I'll go over to an IRA.

Excuse me?

I said have a nice day.

Cheapskates.

Not a big tipper, hey, kiddo?

I've been working almost two hours.

Yeah, and half of it belongs to me.

Ah, forget it.

Thanks.

Well, I'm never going to get to Atlantic City.

Big deal. It's just Altoona with an ocean.

I made you a cheeseburger.

Thanks.

I never met anyone who could make greasy food as good as you do.

You're just saying that.

No, I mean it.

I think your kids are real lucky.

I don't have any kids.

your career and all.

Yeah, something like that.

Kind of like my mom.

She wants to be a lawyer, and she could have been a long time ago, except I came

along and ruined her life.

I don't think you could ruin anybody's life.

So, you still think I should call her?

Just to let her know I'm okay?

Not right now.

You ready for pie?

Now look, Kevin, you check the restrooms and I'll look over there.

You know, we're never going to make our plane.

Kevin, how can you think of such a thing when your brother is missing?

I'm sorry.

As long as you are, why don't you call and book us on a later flight?

He's not on the bus.

But they told us he bought a ticket to Altoona.

I'll see if he knows anything at the window.

All right.

Where do you want him?

Oh, just put him over there, honey. I'll be back in a minute.

Sure.

A waffle, please, and heavy on the grass and mud.

No.

Wesley, what a delightful surprise.

Why aren't you in England?

Why aren't you in bed?

I don't care what you say or what you do.

I'm never coming home.

Can I have that in writing?

Well, would you like to see a menu, ma 'am? Honey, you had us worried thick.

Sure.

Honey, don't you know...

much mommy loves you, how much I've always loved you and always wanted you.

Excuse me, I have a customer.

I just don't know what else to tell him.

Perhaps you should try the truth.

Honey, you know how I said before how much I love you? Hey, I don't want to

any more of that how much you love me stuff, okay?

Can I just say one more thing?

I didn't really want you, and I was unhappy when you were born.

I think I liked the other stuff better.

Wes, you know how much you've always wanted a dog?

Well, that's how much I've always wanted to be a lawyer.

Really?

So when I found out I was going to have a baby, it made me feel real unhappy and

sort of mad at you, even though it wasn't your fault.

Oh.

I guess that's why it took so long for me to come out. I was afraid you were

going to hit me.

Actually, it was your father I wanted to hit.

So anyway, how long...

take before you could stand a look at me?

Not very long.

I tried to stay mad at you. I really did.

But when I finally got to know you, there's something about you that's

irresistible.

Well, that's the first thing you've said to make sense.

I love you, Wesley.

Me too.

Come on.

Let's go home.

Just a second.

That's my mom.

Yeah, I sort of figured.

Sorry, but I gotta quit now.

Oh, that's okay.

I would have appreciated a couple of weeks notice or even a couple of years.

I told you not to get hooked on me.

Take care of her for me, okay?

I will.

The cops haven't seen him.

Wesley, you little creep.

Hey, champ.

Okay, we're in business.

I got us a flight out of Harrisburg.

Oh, hey, Wes.

That'll get us to Philadelphia just in time to catch a shuttle to Washington.

Then we hop a nonstop 747 straight to Amsterdam.

Kevin, I thought we were going to London.

Yeah, we are. I got us a flight out of Rotterdam. We have to take the bus to

there.

I think I'll just stay here.

No, no, come on, Carl. We can make it. Let's keep cracking.

Thank you.

Sorry, if it wasn't for me, you'd be getting your medal right now.

That's all right, Wesley. Who needs royalty when you've got baked on grease?

You know, I still say we could have made it to Harrisburg if that guy driving in

front of us wouldn't go in so slow.

You mean the state trooper?

It was mine.

Who's on the phone, Wesley?

Queen Elizabeth. She wants to know where you are.

Hold on, Liz. He's coming.

Your Majesty.

Today I received my medal.

The ceremony wasn't quite as regal as I had envisioned.

The mailman handed it to me along with the gas bill and TV guide.

Regardless, I am honored.

Of course, I mustn't let this go to my head.

It's not as if I've been knighted.

Not yet.