Original subtitles

Hey, Kev.

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing?

I'm just picking up the Hamlins and Heather's dress.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, Dad, will you do me a favor and check my muffins?

Sure, killer.

Yeah, just stick a toothpick in one of them, and if it comes out clean, that

means they're done.

Look, we never had that little man -to -man talk, did we, Kev?

Now, Dad, I'm doing this for school. I'm taking home X.

You are?

Look, Dad, it's an easy A.

Besides, it was either this or wood shop.

And I need all my fingers for college.

Hey, Mom, I'm somebody famous. Tell me who I am.

Raymond Burr.

No, I'm William Howard Taft.

For our President's Day pageant at school, remember?

Oh, right. Gosh, you look wonderful, honey.

No, I don't.

Nobody knows who I am. And even when I tell them, they don't know.

Well, President Taft.

Don't mind if I'm cool.

You see, honey, Mr. Belvedere knows who you are.

He doesn't count. Mr. Belvedere knows everything.

That's true.

What's the matter, Jim?

Wesley's a little upset about his presidency pageant at school.

I got there late, and the only president left was Taft and Nixon.

And Howie Huffnagle got to be Nixon because he sweats a lot.

Honey, we're very proud of you, no matter which president you are.

Cheer up, pal.

You'll make George Washington next year.

I still might get to play Lincoln.

Oh, yeah?

You know my friend Danny O 'Neill, the one you all like so much because he

does anything wrong?

Well, he was supposed to play Lincoln, but his parents had to come and take him

home. Why?

He got caught with this stuff called AIDS.

AIDS?

Oh, my God.

Boy, he must really be in trouble.

on the china never matters before who cares when you cop kick your jacket

as you came through the door no one's there but sometimes things get turned

around and no one's fed all hands look out below

there's a change in the status gonna need all the help that we

can get

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, I understand.

Okay, thank you very much. Goodbye.

So what'd the school say?

Danny's got AIDS.

It seems he told some kids on the playground and they got scared and told

other kids and Danny's parents were called and I guess they decided the best

thing would be to keep him home until the doctors can evaluate his case.

Well, what's he doing with AIDS? I mean, he's just a kid. George, I believe the

boy is a hemophiliac.

So?

Apparently, he got some infected blood a couple of years ago.

Well, doesn't anybody test that stuff?

They do now.

What about Wesley?

He thinks that getting AIDS is like being caught with chewing gum.

What are we going to tell him?

I say make something up.

Hi, guys.

I'm going to go upstairs and do my homework now.

See ya. Uh, hold it, Wes.

Uh, there's something your mom and I would like to talk to you about.

Are you serious?

I'm afraid so, honey.

Really? Serious?

Yeah, pal.

to play doctor? It was only a single's idea.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. What are you talking about?

About your friend Danny.

Listen, Wes, this AIDS thing you told us about, do you know what that is?

Sure. I mean, it's real bad and you get in real bad trouble if you get caught

with it.

Sort of like shoplifting.

That's pretty close.

Uh, Wes, AIDS is a disease.

And your friend is pretty sick.

Oh. So when's it gonna get better?

Nobody knows, champ.

Why not?

Well, because the doctors haven't quite figured it all out yet.

Do you understand?

You're saying you might be sick for a whole week?

Maybe two.

Boy, no school, lucky duck.

gonna play friendly lincoln now yeah if you give me a bite of your cupcake i'll

free you i'm playing jimmy cotter so ha the

only reason you're getting to play lincoln is because daddy got thrown out

i know anyway i'm going over to daddy's house later you guys want to come

what's the matter are you crazy

do you want to die too

stuff is the worst thing you could get. I mean, you just get sicker and sicker.

And then your arms and legs start falling off. And then it's all over. And

you're dead.

I am making all that up, Danny. I am not. My mom told me, and she's a

beautician. And my dad said, stay away from Danny, because you can get your

easy. You can?

Oh, yeah.

You can get it by just touching somebody.

Or drinking out of the same glass.

A sixth grader told me you can get it just by talking on the phone.

He was just saying that because you're Danny's friend.

Yeah, you were his best friend. You guys did everything together.

So?

Then you can have the rest of my cupcakes.

See ya.

Kevin, what are you doing?

I'm trying to make a swan out of ground beef.

Is that anything like trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear?

No, I'm using beef.

Anyway, I've got a big dinner tonight and everyone's supposed to give me a

grade.

So, what's on the menu?

Oh, we've got meatloaf and pea, mashed potatoes, tapioca pudding for dessert.

Is this your salute to airline food?

Kevin, look at me.

Hey, you look great.

What happened to your skirt?

You hemmed it like this.

been upstairs taking a bath for over an hour.

Did he, uh, say anything more about his friend Danny or about, you know, what he

has? You mean AIDS, Mom?

Thank you.

He hasn't said anything to me, but then I've been tied up.

Good evening, Mrs. Owens. Ah, Mr. Belvedere. Will dinner be ready soon?

Personally, I think it was ready 20 minutes ago, but I'm not making it.

But meatloaf.

Everyone, you remember Wesley's friend, Danny.

Oh, hi, Danny.

Hi, Mrs. Owens, Mr. Owens. Hiya, Chip. How's it going?

Well, I got to eat, but other than that, I'm doing pretty good.

Wesley, your friend Danny's here.

Yeah, I see.

Hi. Hi.

I thought you were coming over today.

Something happened.

Oh, so was school.

Okay, we had to substitute.

They're getting me a tutor. At least until everybody figures out what to do

me.

Neat.

Don't they let you downstairs?

Mostly.

Anyway, this is for you.

What is it? My Lincoln costume.

You're playing him now, right?

Yeah, right.

See, it's got the coat and the big hat and the beard and everything.

I don't want it.

It's okay. My mom washed it.

Just stay away from me. Hey, Wes.

Leave me alone.

Sorry.

I think we all handled that rather well.

What's the matter with that kid?

George, it's our fault.

Why? What did we do?

Nothing. I mean, Wesley had questions about Danny, and we just let him think

everything was going to be okay.

Now, I don't know what he's heard or where he's heard it, but obviously he's

scared to death.

Well, we just got to talk to him and straighten everything out.

Is he gone?

Yeah, Wes, he went home.

He didn't touch anything, did he?

I don't believe so.

Good.

That wasn't very nice, the way you treated Danny just now.

So?

So I thought you guys were buddies.

We were, but I don't want to catch what he's got.

You're not going to.

That's not what my friends told me at school.

I heard you can get it just by playing tag or swinging on the same swings.

Come on, Wes, you're talking dumb.

I mean, you don't catch that stuff from just fooling around.

What I think your father's trying to say is you don't catch AIDS by simply being

around someone who has it.

It requires a more intimate association.

You mean like dancing?

Honey, what I think Mr. Belvedere is trying to say is... What I think

everybody is trying to say is the way you get AIDS is through sexual contact

using infected needles.

Or get a contaminated blood product, which is how your friend Danny got it.

understand?

I think so.

Well, if you didn't know anything else, I'll be upstairs.

You see, Champ, being around Danny is not going to make you sick.

So how come all the other kids' parents are acting so scared?

Well, sometimes grown -ups don't have all the facts.

And they love their kids.

nervous oh yeah i mean they worry because they know how kids are you know

rough housing and getting little scratches and scrapes hearing the same

cream bar you know what i mean yeah me and danny did all that stuff you did

that's okay isn't it of course it is

yeah sure it is pal now Why don't you run on upstairs and get that homework,

huh? Okay.

Thanks for explaining everything to me. I think I feel better now.

I wish we did.

I don't believe this.

Problem, George?

There's not one thing on AIDS in this whole stupid encyclopedia.

George, this edition was printed in 1957.

Yeah, well, we should have planned ahead.

Look, we discussed all this and we agreed. Wesley's perfectly fine. There's

nothing to be concerned about.

Hi, I'm back from the library.

Did you find anything out?

Yeah, I got a couple of real good things from the Department of Health. Look, it

says right here that not one identified case of AIDS infection is known to have

been transmitted in a school or daycare setting or through other casual person

-to -person contact.

And here it says, of the 229 cases of pediatric AIDS, there's not

one instance of a child infecting his parents or siblings.

And that's a family living together.

See? And you two were so worried.

Come on, Belvedere, you were just as worried as we were. That's ridiculous.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Just a moment.

Uh, Mr. Belvedere? Yeah. It's the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta.

They're returning your call.

Tell them it's all right.

I'm over my cold.

Getting rid of the evidence?

You work your fingers to the bone. You try to make a decent meal for your

family. They don't appreciate it.

Kevin, that wasn't bad dinner.

Just that we were all a bit...

preoccupied with Wesley and his friend.

Yeah, I know.

Just, I take this dumb home ec class for the EZA.

Turns out it's just one more thing for me to screw up. You'll do better.

What do you think I should do with a meatloaf?

Go deep.

Is it the gift, or do I have to keep quiet about something?

No, see, there's a picture of Lincoln on it.

I, uh, figured it might help you for when you're making my costume.

Oh.

What's the matter with Danny's costume?

I just don't want it.

Now, Wesley, you've talked to your parents. You know there's nothing to be

afraid of, right?

Yeah, I know that.

Then what's the problem?

Wesley, you must live what other people think or think. I don't care what you

say or do. I'm never going to see him again.

All right, Wesley.

Up to you.

Anyway, I guess that means you're not going to make my costume, huh?

No, no.

I'll take care of it.

Thanks, Mr. Belvedere.

Sharp.

You let him make my costume?

It seemed a thing to do.

Mr. Belvedere, it's terrible.

Now, Wesley, let's not be hasty.

As far as I'm concerned, you can't tell a thing without the hat.

There.

Perfect.

Lincoln would never wear a hat like this.

He would in Tijuana.

There must be one someplace.

Hi. Hi.

Came around back like you said.

I don't think anybody saw me.

It's not my fault either.

Anyway, you better get ready for your pageant.

Dave and Lincoln.

Hey, wait.

Yeah?

Want to come?

Huh? Come where?

You know, to the pageant. I'm not allowed.

We're sneaking.

Just like that time at the movies when we snuck out of Bambi and saw Porky's.

Yeah!

Lincoln Pierce, the 14th president of the United States.

I served from 1853 to 1857.

Among my significant achievements was opening diplomatic relations and trade

with Japan.

There must be some steel workers in the crowd.

Did we miss anything?

Just the first 14 presidents.

Oh, good.

I'm James Buchanan. I was the 15th president of the United States.

I was the first president to receive a telegraphic message by underwater cable.

I never married.

But I'm sure I dated.

Wesley's next. I know that.

Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States.

In 1863, I signed the Emancipation Proclamation because I believed in

and dignity for all men.

And that's why I wrote this speech.

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent

new nation.

Wait a minute. I can't do this.

This is Danny O 'Neill, and he was supposed to play Lincoln, but he

because he's got AIDS.

Have anything to do with this?

I'd like to think so.

Anyway, now Danny's going to do the Gettysburg Address and everybody's going

listen.

Go ahead, Danny.

What's the matter? I don't know the Gettysburg Address.

But I remember something else Abraham Lincoln said before he was president.

And I guess I remember it real good.

Because sometimes I kind of feel the same way.

If the good people, in their wisdom, shall see fit to keep me in the

I have been too familiar with disappointments to be very much

Thank you.

I just want to sit here for a minute.

Oh, okay. I'll sit with you.

It kind of feels like we're out fishing.

Yeah.

You know, we can really go if you like. I can get my dad to take us.

I've never been fishing.

You haven't?

Hey, I got an idea.

We can make a list of all the stuff you've never done.

Leslie I don't know if I'll have time to do it all what do you mean

Leslie Danny

everyone's waiting in the car oh okay

on the cannon, and you'll be the North, and I'll be the South.

Sure you won't be afraid to do all that stuff with me.

What should I be?

You're my friend.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Belvedere.

It was worth it.

I'm just back from Gettysburg.

Danny and Wesley had a wonderful day.

Then insisted we swing by Funland in Harrisburg.

After all, it's only 70 miles in the wrong direction.

But it was worth it.

Because we all got to break the world record for most consecutive turns on the

tilter whirl.

According to Wesley and Danny, they now only have 2 ,763 more things to do.

I suppose at this point, I should write something profound about life and death.

You know something?

I'm really not in the mood.