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THE BLACK HOLE

A LIFE WORTH LIVING

What are your plans while you are here in Estonia?

We are going to a spa tomorrow, aren't we, dear?

(in Finnish) They have... what do you call it?

(in Finnish) Beauticians, hairdressers, pedicures.

Yes. We're going to get massages and go to the dentist too.

And then we head back home to Helsinki to work.

Ask her.

Yes, Salme... we were wondering... maybe there is a chance...

Maybe Juho needs more workers at his laundromat?

(in Finnish) Juho, darling, do you need extra workers?

(in Finnish) Maret and Sirje would like to come work in Helsinki.

(in Finnish) No, I don't. We just got in new workers from Ukraine.

Not at the moment, unfortunately. Some Ukrainians just came.

We're just asking. - Yes, just in case.

Did you see Salme's teeth?

Her mouth is full of pearls. - And that crystal...

I don't even know if I could ever afford the dentist.

If I could, I'd go to Finland in a second.

Reet from the sausage factory ―

her daughter is working two jobs in Finland.

She's a waitress and a stripper.

Well, if you're young and you have something to show off, why not.

Sure, why not.

I wish I could go to a spa. Have you ever been? I haven't.

It's a disaster how little working people earn in Estonia.

Salaries are one thing, but they have pensions in Finland.

And now there are the Ukrainians too. What can you do?

Sirje!

Jesus! - Excuse me.

Villem! What is it?

Sorry I startled you.

I happened to hear your discussion.

So what? - I have an offer for you.

A Finn is looking for Estonian ladies to work in his cleaning company.

I can introduce you.

And it's that easy.

Now it's your turn.

Put your hands as wide as is comfortable for you.

Go down as low as you can, but keep a 90 degree angle here.

Let's go! One, two, and up!

Start with 25, then we'll see.

How is it going? Good. Heels down. That's it! Good job, Paul.

Try harder!

Are you men or macaroni?

Do you need help?

I'm ugly.

I'm just so terribly ugly.

Calm down. It's okay.

Come now, stand up.

It's alright.

They were totally drunk when I got home from the gym.

That Piret was there too.

Then Peeter said that if my fat ass didn't like it, I should get out.

That's what he said.

I guess it's not the first time he's hurt you?

He was drunk. I should have just left.

Hey! Listen! You can forget about Peeter.

You can stay here as long as you need.

Thanks.

Uma?

Uma?

I heard weird noises.

What kind of noises? - I don't know.

In the kitchen.

There's no one here but us.

Can I stay here next to you?

I'm scared.

Sure.

I'm sorry for waking you up, Uma. - It's okay.

You're so good to me.

I almost don't believe that you exist.

Here, put some color on. - You think?

You have to, if you want to get the job.

I know what men like.

Hey Villem, how much is the Finn going to pay us per day?

He's paying a lot.

How many other Estonians are there? - A few.

Any other nationalities there? - Yes, there are.

He has no pants on.

Stop! Stop the car!

You pervert! - Disgusting! You nasty man!

I'm going to tell the police.

I'm going to tell everybody in our building.

I'm not going to wait.

I can't take another step. - I'm going.

I am Kri-in-Poulsen from the Andromeda Nebula.

I want to offer you a job for a very good rate.

You are all perverts, that's who you are.

A thousand euros a day, in cash.

What would I have to do?

You don't have to do anything.

Just lie there calmly.

Dream on!

I'm a member of a research group

interested in post-middle age female homo sapiens

currently inhabiting the Milky Way galaxy.

Your contribution to science would be

invaluable for our research group.

When would the work start?

Right away.

How do you feel, Mrs. Sirje?

I don't know... good.

We will now remove your internal organs.

This process is completely painless.

And might even be pleasant for the homo sapiens.

Now relax.

How is it possible that I'm alive without my heart?

That is the secret of Andromeda.

What is that smell, orange oil? It's my favorite.

Really?

Mine too.

You really are the best.

Women are always the best.

In the bath and in bed too.

It's been proven scientifically.

Women have a 65 percent chance of orgasm with men ―

but more than 80 percent chance with other women.

Really?

Thank you Mrs. Sirje for this invaluable work.

We will see you tomorrow.

I have a question...

Can I bring my friend Maret with me next time?

It would be more fun together.

She also has a very interesting organism.

Alright. We will see you tomorrow at one.

Those aliens are even stupider than the Finns.

You have to take money away from the idiots.

Maret! Maret, look! Just like Salme's.

They seem stretchy enough.

These are good. Give me two pairs.

Maret, this is a gift for you.

By tonight, you'll be so rich you can make money soup if you want.

A few more years, and I'll be up there too.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

My muscles just won't grow.

I have my mother's fat gene so I'll be a lard ass.

Oh, come on! You are totally fine.

Peeter certainly didn't think so.

I think you're a very beautiful person.

Women would have so few complexes and traumas without men.

Even all the wars were started by men.

Did you know that every year,

more women die from domestic abuse than people do in traffic?

Women should rule the world.

Why do we even need men at all?

Well, for sperm donors.

Yeah, you're right.

Damn!

Jesus! Did you see that? - What is it?

I think I saw a spider. A huge one. - Where?

There, near the kitchen, it was huge.

Like this big.

Did you really see a spider?

Of course! I didn't make it up!

It really looked like a spider! And it was huge!

God, you are afraid of spiders too?

Me?

I'm not afraid of anything or anyone.

Watch your head!

I promise to protect you from all the dangers in the world.

Be it war, violent men or spiders.

Hold on.

"Teddy bear was a bad boy and is very sorry."

"He's waiting for his kitten to return home."

Who was it?

Work. They asked about my next shift.

Look, that should be our planet Earth.

It looks so small and insignificant.

From up here, people seem so pointless.

Nice. It's really nice here. Much nicer than any spa on the Earth.

Salme would turn greener than that

shrimp behind me if she saw see us now.

Salme couldn't dream of a paradise like this.

My back is itching. - Well scratch It then.

With what? I have no arms. - Oh, right.

Hey! Could you scratch my back?

He looks so slimy but his tentacles are so velvety.

Hey, you, green slug. Come rub me too.

They really know how to massage ―

but I do not know if I could share a bed with him.

You don't have to.

It's important they have a good heart and pay us a thousand euros each.

Sirje, I only have one dream.

That I marry a foreigner.

So I don't ever have to go back home to all that dirt, envy, and darkness.

No point in marrying Estonian men. They are all whimps.

Sirje, maybe we could marry one of these shrimps?

Like Salme ― I wondered how she could live with a fat, bald man.

But she can.

If I could choose one of them, I would take Kri-in-Poulsen.

He has the most muscular tentacles ―

and he's masculine, like some state leader or something.

Yes, he's muscular.

But I'm not sure if I could kiss him.

Sirje, you are the most beautiful and the best human being in world.

Maret, let's just enjoy it!

And everything starts all over again!

Good morning.

Hi. - Here you go.

Thanks.

What was that?

Uma, what is that? Don't tell me it's that spider.

I got it. I threw it out.

You are my hero. You are just so brave.

Today we will analyze your bite.

Oh geez...

Don't worry, we're just going to take all your teeth out

and then put them back in again.

What if...

What if you keep my teeth for your studies ―

and give me new ones instead? White and strong ones.

That would be a wonderful donation to our research.

But can you also put a crystal on each tooth?

And make each crystal a different color?

We can try.

I am not some dish rag to be squeezed around.

We agreed that I just lie there.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Sirje.

I will pay you double for the hardship.

Get some rest. Tomorrow is a very important day.

We're going to start studying your brains.

We were wondering ―

how big are the pensions in your nebula?

Why do you want to know that?

Well, we were thinking we'd move up there with you.

That we'd get out of here for good.

You? But you are homo sapiens?

Yes, homo sapiens. So what?

It's not possible for you to move to Andromeda.

Why is that?

In the civilized world all people are paid pensions.

In Finland, migrants immediately get a living permit

if they are in the country long enough.

I understand your interest

and much appreciate your contribution, dear ladies ―

but you have to understand that Andromeda is a higher civilization.

You are our test objects.

We are not some rats or rabbits!

Look at yourself. You have slime dripping out of every hole.

Intelligent, huh? You're just a pile of rotten jelly!

I wouldn't even cook a creature like you, you make me sick.

You hear me?

The contract is up!

You jerks!

Get back to your slime! Go find some other idiots to probe!

Brand new teeth and four thousand euros, that's worth something too.

I just don't want to go back to the sausage factory.

What choice do you have?

Why are you saying that? - It's all your fault.

You ruined our chances at a life.

Just think how much more we could have earned from those slime balls.

Sirje, how am I to blame?

You wanted a pension and citizenship too.

You started it with your foreign husband talk.

When you get in the bath at home, take a look in the mirror.

Mouth full of colored rocks. Who will want you like this?

The slime balls didn't want you and no human will either.

The sausage factory is the only place for you.

It would look nice. It's the same color.

You can try it too. - No.

Why? - Show me how it works.

See, it even works from here.

Mariliis!

Wait, Mariliis!

Let me go.

Calm down! Listen to me, Mariliis.

Wait!

Come here!

What's happening?

What is going on?

They will write their own testimonies.

Get MacGyver.

Mardo Laradze, this one's for you.

Move on.

Show me again, calmly ―

how big was this spider of yours?

I see.

Now, take me to your spider, ladies!

You can stay here

and listen to the radio.

The ability to believe and to forget is lost.

Your beautiful voice and bare words in your mouth,

Your lips and eyes are like autumn.

Who will make the bed for the snowberries?

In whose eyes will you see the blanket of frost.

Around you, only dreams and wind are left...

You no longer have anything to fear, ladies.

Now go back and continue your young lives where you left off.

You can decide for yourself what to do with that creature.

A rare specimen, that's for sure.

It's dead.

Uma!

Where are you going? - None of your business.

Wait... - Let me go!

I will throw it out now, I promise... - You lied to me.

Mariliis, please. - Stop it!

I am sorry.

I shouldn't have lied to you.

I was scared.

I'm really scared of spiders. I'm afraid of ―

I am scared of everything.

Coward!

Police have received several reports of such creatures,

but they are actually very sweet animals

who just need human company.

They love to eat. A lot actually.

This one's quite small.

It's starting to eat...

Hello! - Maret, listen, get ready, quickly.

We're leaving for Sweden. We're being offered work as nannies.

When are you going?

Right now. Together. I'll be there in five minutes.

Together?

Sirje, you told me...

That was a joke, I didn't mean it.

You are my best friend.

Well, alright... let's go.

Hey there.

Unexpected meeting, huh?

Listen.

Well, what do we have here?

I'm looking for you all over the city and ―

you're fucking around with some random slut?

Peeter, calm down... I can explain. - No need. I get it.

You fucking lesbo! You purple bitch.

Fucking hell!

I will pound you so hard that

even the ugliest cunt won't look at you any more.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Jüri... fucking hell...

All three of you fucking one girl?

You dick fucker aren't going to tell me who I can fuck and who I can't!

You're the dick fucker. Wife beater!

Peeter, stop it!

Please stop.

Cops.

Get your ass up. Let's go home.

Hey!

What are you whining about? What's wrong?

Don't you get that I love you?

These bitches fucking make me sick.

I fucking don't get it.

Are you very hurt?

Jüri.

Mariliis.

THE MYSTERY OF THE WOODEN SHOE

It's disgusting when a woman has fat hooks hanging over her pants.

I told Mariliis to go to the gym.

It makes me sick to my stomach to fuck a fat ass like that.

I mean really... you can't live like that.

Yeah, a woman should be so small my arm can reach around her

or I'll dump her fat ass.

Fucking wrong wrench.

And if she doesn't listen, she needs a good smack.

After that it's nice and quiet for a while.

Dude, I banged two broads at the same time this weekend.

Two at once? You got two dicks or something?

Laugh all you want, but you'd cry if you saw those tits.

Fuck, all four were bouncing like basketballs.

Jürr, how was your weekend? How many whores did you bang?

Jürr has never had a woman. You don't have women, you take them.

Jürrr, maybe you're just a fag?

I have some bad news. I have to let you go.

What do you mean? - It's not about you at all.

You're a good man but times are slow.

I need to cut costs. Prices are going up and it's a mess.

But why me?

They all have families and children. Peeter's separated, but still.

They'd take it harder, you're a bachelor.

You'll find something else.

They're always looking for construction crew in Finland.

You'll make it.

This rare conjunction of planets announces

the arrival of the long-awaited Age of Aquarius.

Your foot.

Our current values and conceptions of how the world works

are being tested by Saturn.

The Earth's Stargates are open thanks to this special conjunction.

It's possible that extraterrestrial civilizations

will try to make contact with you,

or that our common sense will experience something inexplicable.

Young man, you must be from apartment 88?

I am.

I am your new neighbor, Wolfgang from Austria. Just call me Wolf.

Jüri.

Do you live alone or with family?

I live with my mom... - Your mother is retired?

Retired and also works part-time at the news stand.

Listen, Jüri, I sell top quality

Austrian vacuum cleaners door to door.

Maybe you are interested?

Well... you'd have to ask my mom.

Well, if you don't mind, I will stop

by later to present the machine to you.

Unbelievable!

Dear Ilmi, don't despair.

You're not lazy, your vacuum just isn't powerful enough.

Do you know who these are?

Some kind of bugs. - Good job, Jüri!

These are dust mites and they make dust.

These horrible creatures are everywhere.

In your pillows and blankets, in your sheets and in your clothes.

You can't get rid of them with a regular vacuum.

I wonder what something like that costs?

12,000 euros with a payment plan. 10,000 if you pay cash up front.

My goodness!

Isn't that too much for a vacuum?

This machine will last a lifetime.

And your children's lifetime. And

their children's. If you ever have any.

Austrian technology never gets old.

Young man, you take it. And you, Ilmi, turn your back.

Put the nozzle against her.

Keep moving it around.

Go on, very good.

Make circles, write number eight.

How does it feel, Ilmi? - That's nice. Really good!

Alright, that's enough.

This small nozzle works great for massaging

your mother's tired back after work.

But that's not all.

Can you smell that?

Liebe die Wälder von Vienna.

Love in a Viennese Forest.

Jüri! This will pay for itself if even the grandchildren can use it.

I can pay in cash right away. - That would be swell!

Mom, you have a vacuum cleaner. You were saving up for a trip.

You know what, Wolf. This is a very big purchase.

We need to think about it.

And it's getting late.

Alright. Up to you.

May I use your toilet?

Very interesting apartment.

This must be Jüri's room?

No, this is my room.

Jüri sleeps on the living room couch.

The place needs work.

After Heldur's death, everything has started to decay.

That's what machines are for.

My Supermax is at least half as good as Heldur.

Gute Nacht.

Have beautiful dreams.

He was suspicious. - Gute Nacht!

Jüri! Jüri!

It has been discovered that there are

enormous black holes in the middle of most galaxies.

The gravitational field is so strong that

it absorbs even the smallest particles of light.

We can only imagine what kinds of findings

the new James Webb Telescope will bring us.

More recent theories of quantum physics already claim ―

that black holes can be used to move

between other dimensions or space-time.

This is actually very old knowledge.

There is definite proof that a portal like the black hole

was located on the Pyramids of Cheops in Egypt.

There have been recent accounts of creatures

that are able to move between

different realities at certain astronomical instances.

The criminals are targeting people who keep large sums of money at home.

We ask everyone to be vigilant

and to report any suspicious behavior to the police.

And keep your money in the bank, not in a suitcase under your bed.

The banks are a bunch of crooks.

It's so nice to watch your child eat.

Eat, eat, it's hard work looking for a job.

Here's some pocket money for you. - Thanks.

I'm off to work.

How much can I get for these?

Who do you like ― blondes, red heads or brunettes?

I used to only look at blondes but then I married a brunette.

And, honestly, I have no regrets.

That's 15 euros. - For all of them?

They aren't timeless yet.

If you find anything else like this, you can always come to me.

Thanks.

What...?!

Fuck!

Where are you off to this early? - For my trial day.

Where? - I'll tell you later.

Wait, I haven't even made your porridge yet.

I'm not hungry.

Good morning. I am Jüri Randla, population census taker.

Do you have time for a few words?

Come in.

Take a seat.

Sugar? - No.

Shall we begin? - Yes.

Your name? - Gertrud. Gertrud Zahir.

Occupation? - Housewife.

Who else lives here besides you?

My husband Zahir Zahir. He's a businessman.

Any shared children? - No.

Are you okay? You look terrible. - It's hot in here.

I'll open the balcony door.

Do you want some cold water?

Gertrud.

One sec.

Jüri! Jüri!

What are you doing here so long?

There was... a black hole down there.

A black hole?

I'm your black hole.

Come on now, dessert is waiting.

Jüri!

Yes, Gertrud here.

Hi, this is Jüri Randla. Do you recognize me?

Yes, of course, census taker Jüri.

Put this on, it's cold. And the potatoes are almost ready.

Excuse me, but I have a few more questions to ask.

Well? - I mean... is it...

...is it alright if I come to see you again, Gertrud?

Drink this, it's good for you. I'm not even going to offer you food.

Later. I need to rest.

I can see that something is troubling you.

It's nothing, work is hard.

It's quite exhausting really, being a census taker.

It hurts to see my child in such pain.

Maybe you should marry her if you like this woman so much?

You have to talk to women and say I love you and please be my wife.

And take her flowers. Be gentle and pamper her.

Women aren't psychics, they can't read your thoughts.

Maybe she doesn't even know how much you like her?

Your father gave this to me. Or actually his mum. It was hers.

Now that you're leaving the nest, you need it more than I do.

These are for you. - How fancy!

Why are you looking at me like that?

Come in, I have a surprise for you.

See, I was expecting you.

Wild alpine meadows, yodelling gentlemen in lederhosen from Tirol.

Coffee shops with Viennese pastries and gypsy violins.

All this together is a wonderful Austria,

the crown jewel of European monarchy.

Shut up if you value your life.

Where do you keep your money?

Where do you keep your money?

Do you feel the cold barrel?

In the bedroom, under the mattress.

Oh, Jüri, I like you.

But I love you, Gertrud.

I feel like I've known you forever, long before we actually met.

Everything that is happening between us feels like a miracle ―

but I can't go on like this. I want to be with you all the time.

I want to take you to the movies ―

and have children with you ―

and to introduce you to my mother.

Will you marry me?

This is for you.

It was worn by my mother and my grandmother.

How pretty.

But I'm already married, Jüri.

Doesn't matter. You don't love him.

I have it all figured out. We'll run away to Finland.

I can work in construction. I'll get very rich.

I will build us a house, or a castle.

With swimming pools and stars in the night.

Zahir will never find us.

This relationship with you is getting to me.

I see and hear things that can't exist.

I hear sounds, there is a black hole under your window.

And you are like some dream.

I want you to be real.

Say something... - Oh, Jüri, come here.

Come here... come...

Let's go for a walk.

I know a place in the city where you can see the stars.

I can show you.

If we hurry, we can make it before Zahir gets home.

Wait for me outside. It'll take me a little time.

Jüri.

Come kiss me.

Kiss me in a way that I will remember.

You truly are my black hole,

and all the stars and galaxies and the whole universe.

Hey, guys, what's up?

APPLE PIE

Don't be afraid. Calm down.

I mean you no harm.

What do you all want with me? I'm calling the police, I've had enough!

Don't fret. It's not good for you.

You've been hurt and you need some peace.

Sit.

Relax.

How am I supposed to relax? No more dreaming of Austria for me.

It really is unbelievable

what underdeveloped specimens one can meet in your civilization.

You are so good to me!

My God!

Your tentacles are so soft!

Don't be sad, I can help you.

I am Kri-in-Poulsen from the Andromeda Nebula.

You are very famous. I've seen you on TV.

My goodness, you have traveled a very long way.

Just think, all the way from Andromeda.

And I'm sitting here and sobbing. Please, forgive me.

You have to eat something. You must be hungry.

And we could both use a nice cup of peppermint tea.

No, I'm not hungry at all.

I don't believe that one bit.

It's nice to see someone eat with a real appetite.

Oops!

Oh my!

There's apple pie too. Made from fresh Antonovka apples.

Thank you. I would love a piece.

On Andromeda, we use powdered micro-elements for energy.

You, Mrs. Ilmi, make very good food with a very interesting texture.

Oh, it's nothing...

Would you be willing to join us in the Andromeda Nebula

to teach us the art of cooking?

What? No, no...

What can an old woman like me teach you?

There are much better cooks on Earth than me.

You cant imagine all the trendy dots and powders they make.

We have enough modern things of our own.

You, Ilmi, possess the ancient culinary wisdom that's been ―

passed down through generations, which the Andromedans have forgotten.

Your food doesn't just fill the stomach ―

it's packed with the energy of pure love.

Alright then, let's go.

"Dear son, I'll come back later. Don't worry. I'm alright."

"I had a guest and he ate your

dinner. Make yourself something. Mom."

Inspired by the short stories

"The Spider" and "The Black Hole" by Armin Kõomägi

and "A Life Worth Living" by Andrus Kivirähk