Original subtitles

(HORSE WHINNIES)

And so,

in retiring as president of this college,

it is indeed a painful task to bid you all good-bye.

And now, with the utmost pleasure,

may I present to you the man who is to guide

the destinies of this great institution.

Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Professor, it is indeed an honor to welcome you to Huxley College.

Never mind that. Hold this coat.

By the way, Professor,

there is no smoking.

That's what you say.

It would please the faculty if you would throw your cigar away.

The faculty members might just as well keep their seats.

There'll be no diving for this cigar.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Members of the faculty, faculty members,

students of Huxley and Huxley students.

I guess that covers everything.

I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty,

I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

As I look out over your eager faces,

I can readily understand why this college is flat on its back.

The last college I presided over,

things were slightly different.

I was flat on my back.

Things kept going from bad to worse,

but we all put our shoulders to the wheel,

and it wasn't long before I was flat on my back again.

Any questions? Any answers?

Any rags? Any bones?

Any bottles today Any rags...

(BANGS GAVEL) Let's have some action around here.

Who'll say 76? Who'll say 1776?

That's the spirit, 1776.

No doubt you would like to know why I'm here.

I came into this college to get my son out of it.

I remember the day he left to come here,

a mere boy and a beardless youth.

I kissed them both good-bye.

By the way, where is my son?

Young lady,

would you mind getting up so I can see the son rise?

So, doing your homework in school, eh?

Hello, old-timer.

My dear Professor,

I'm sure the students would appreciate

a brief outline of your plans for the future.

What? I said the students would appreciate

a brief outline of your plans for the future.

You just said that.

That's the trouble around here.

Talk, talk, talk.

Oh, sometimes I think I must go mad.

Where will it all end? What is it getting you?

Why don't you go home to your wife?

I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife.

And outside of the improvements,

she'll never know the difference.

Pull over to the side of the road there

and let me see your marriage license.

President Wagstaff,

now that you have stepped into my shoes...

Oh, is that what I stepped in?

I wondered what it was.

If these are your shoes, the least you could do is have them cleaned.

The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you.

I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.

(PLAYS NOTE)

I don't know what they have to say

It makes no difference anyway

Whatever it is I'm against it (BANGS GAVEL)

No matter what it is or who commenced it

I'm against it

Your proposition may be good

But let's have one thing understood

Whatever it is

I'm against it

And even when you've changed it or condensed it

I'm against it

I'm opposed to it

On general principles I'm opposed to it

ALL: He's opposed to it

In fact, it seems that he's opposed to it

For months before my son was born

I used to yell from night till morn

Whatever it is I'm against it

And I've kept yelling since I first commenced it

I'm against it

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Knowing Dad as I do

I'd not advise you to displease him

Or tease him No, no

Don't double-cross him

Or toss him around

When dear old Dad

Once gets mad

He's a hound

My son is right I'm quick to fight

I'm from a fighting clan

When I'm abused or badly used

I always get my man

No matter if he's in Peru Paducah or Japan

I go ahead, alive or dead I always get my man

ALL: Oh, what a whiz this fellow is

A will like his is rare For he's a square American

I soon dispose of all of those who put me on the pan

Like Shakespeare said to Nathan Hale, I always get my man

ALL: He always gets his man

That's what I said

ALL: He always gets his man

That's what I mean

ALL: He always gets his man

You're telling me

ALL: He always gets his man

Oh, are you listening

ALL: He gets his man

He gets his man

I always get I always get

I always get I always get

I always get I always get

I always get

My man!

Splendid, Professor.

Congratulations, Professor.

Wonderful, Professor. Marvelous, Professor.

Alright, scram, boys. I'll meet you in the barbershop.

Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.

My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth.

I'm ashamed to be your father.

You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.

What's all this talk I hear about you fooling around with a college widow?

No wonder you can't get out of college.

Twelve years in one college.

I went to three colleges in 12 years and fooled around with three college widows.

When I was your age, I went to bed right after supper.

Sometimes I went to bed before supper.

Sometimes I went without my supper and didn't go to bed at all.

A college widow stood for something in those days.

In fact, she stood for plenty.

There's nothing wrong between me and the college widow.

There isn't, huh? Then you're crazy to fool around with her.

Oh, but you don't know... I don't wanna talk to you about this again, you snob.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

You may go now.

Leave your name and address with the girl outside.

If anything turns up, we'll get in touch with you.

Where you going? You just told me to go.

So that's what they taught you in college.

Just when I tell you to go, you leave me.

You can't leave a schoolroom without raising your hand, no matter where you're going.

Dad, this college has had a new president every year since 1888.

Yeah. And that's the year we won our last football game.

Now, I like education as well as the next fellow...

Well, move over and I'll talk to the next fellow.

But a college needs something else besides education.

What this college needs is a good football team.

And you can't have a good football team

unless you have good football players.

My boy, I think you've got something there,

and I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

I know it's dangerous, but I'm gonna ask you one more question.

Where do you get good football players?

Well, in the speakeasy down... In a speakeasy?

Isn't that against the law? Selling football players in a speakeasy?

Dad, two of the greatest football players in the country

hang out in the speakeasy downtown.

Are you suggesting that I, the president of Huxley College,

go into a speakeasy without even giving me the address?

It's at 42 Elm Street, but you can't go there. It's unethical.

It isn't right for a college to buy football players.

It isn't, eh? Well, I'll nip that in the bud.

How about coming along and having a nip yourself?

Or better still, you wait here.

Anything further, Father? "Anything further, Father?"

That can't be right. Isn't it, "Anything, Father, further?"

The idea.

I married your mother because I wanted children.

Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.

(PLAYS NOTE)

And I've kept yelling since I first commenced it

I'm against it

Well, that's my proposition, boys. How about it?

Well, it's okay with us, Mr. Jennings,

but how are you gonna fix it?

Don't worry about that. It's fixed already.

You boys will be entered as regular Darwin students

and play in the Thanksgiving Day game against Huxley.

Yeah, but how about the dough?

Well, here's a little chicken feed to start with.

You'll get the balance right after the game.

With you boys playing for Darwin, Huxley can't win.

(CHUCKLES) You said it.

Well, here's to dear old Darwin.

All right, boys. Let's go.

Bye, Ed. So long.

Baravelli!

EDGAR: Baravelli! Hey, Baravelli!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Yes, lady, this is Baravelli the iceman speaking. What do you want?

Ah, one quart of Scotch,

one quart of rye.

Wait a minute. Hold on. I see if I got 'em.

One quart of Scotch,

one quart of rye.

Okay, lady, I send 'em right over.

Hey, Baravelli!

EDGAR: Hey, Baravelli.

What do you want? Watch the door for few minutes.

And don't let anyone in without the password.

All right. What is it? "Swordfish" is the password.

Do you understand? Okay, I got it.

Well, what is it? Password.

Swordfish! Swordfish!

All right. Swordfish, swordfish. Ah!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(KNOCKING)

Who are you? I'm fine, thanks. Who are you?

I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.

Well, what is the password? Oh, no. You gotta tell me.

I tell you what I do. I give you three guesses.

It's the name of a fish.

Is it Mary?

(LAUGHS) That's no fish.

She isn't? Well, she drinks like one.

Let me see. Is it sturgeon?

Eh, you crazy.

Sturgeon is a doctor who cuts you open when you sick.

Now, I give you one more chance.

I got it, haddock.

That's funny. I got a haddock too.

What do you take for a haddock? Well, sometimes I take aspirin.

Sometimes I take a calomel.

I'd walk a mile for a calomel.

You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it.

What's the matter? You don't understand English?

You can't come in here unless you say "swordfish."

Now, I give you one more guess.

Swordfish, swordfish. I think I got it.

Is it swordfish? That's it. You guess it.

Pretty good, huh? Fine. You guess it.

What do you want? I wanna come in.

What's the password? Oh, you no fool me. Swordfish.

No, I got tired of that. I changed it.

What's the password now?

I forgot it. I'd better come outside with you.

(BARKING)

Say, buddy, could you help me out? I'd like to get a cup of coffee.

Hey, here comes my partner.

Hey, Pinky, you know the password?

(PIANO PLAYING)

Get up. That's no way to go into a speakeasy. That's the way you come out.

Hey, what'll you have?

(WHISTLING)

He take a Scotch. Right. Draw two.

I got it. Swordfish.

Go outside and see if it works.

Cut the cards.

Now, let's get down to business.

I'm looking for two football players who always hang around here.

We always hang around here, but... That's all I wanted to know.

I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College. That means nothing to me.

It doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it over again.

I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College.

Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long.

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces.

I'll talk it over with my partner.

Hey, hey!

(RINGING)

In case I never see you again, which would add 10 years to my life,

what would you fellows want to play football? First, we want a football.

I don't know if we've got a football.

But if I can find one, would you be interested?

I don't want a hasty answer. Just sleep on it.

I don't think I can sleep on a football.

Who's gonna settle for these drinks?

You're stuck.

Can you cash a check for $15.22? Sure.

Five, 10, 15 and 22.

Thanks. As soon as I get a check for $15.22,

I'll send it to you. Swordfish.

Oh, Laura. Oh, good morning, Mr. Wagstaff.

Am I too early? No. Shall I tell Miss Bailey you're here?

I'll tell her myself. Give me the tray. All right.

Will you open the door?

Oh! Your breakfast, madam.

Anything else? Yes. You can put some cream in my coffee,

and tell me where you've been for the last couple of days.

I've been busy arguing with Dad about you. Oh.

How many? Two.

Well, what about me? Dad wants me to give you up.

You know, you're interfering with my studies.

(LAUGHING) He must think I'm terrible.

Well, I think you're wonderful. You're beautiful.

Are you making love to me? Why not?

Everyone says I love you

The cop on the corner and the burglar too

The preacher in the pulpit and the man in the pew

Says I love you

Everyone, no matter who

The folks over 80 and the kid of two

The captain and the sailor and the rest of the crew

Says I love you

There are only eight little letters in this phrase

You'll find

But they mean a lot more than all the other words

Combined

Everywhere the whole world through

The king in the palace and the peasant too

The tiger in the jungle and the monk in the zoo

Says I love you

(WHISTLING)

(HONKING)

Get that crate out of here!

What do you think this is, a picnic?

Well, this ain't gonna be any picnic.

Blocking traffic, holding up cars. Who do you think you are?

Bah!

What are you... Do you know what I'm gonna do to you?

Say, you're a wise guy, ain't ya? Let go of that club!

Do you see that badge?

(BARKING)

(HONKING CONTINUES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Come on! Open this door, you hear?

Open this door! (BARKING)

And I say to you, gentlemen, that this college is a failure.

The trouble is we're neglecting football for education.

BOTH: Exactly. The Professor is right.

I'm right, am I? Well, I'm not right. I'm wrong.

I just said that to test you.

Now I know where I'm at.

I'm dealing with a couple of snakes.

What I meant to say was that there's too much football and not enough education.

BOTH: That's what I think.

Oh, you do, do you? Well, you're wrong again.

If there was a snake here, I'd apologize.

Where would this college be without football?

Have we got a stadium? BOTH: Yes.

Have we got a college? BOTH: Yes.

We can't support both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.

BOTH: But, Professor, where will the students sleep?

Where they always sleep. In the classroom.

Oh, Professor, the Dean of Science wants to know how soon you can see him.

He says he's tired of cooling his heels out here.

Tell him I'm cooling a couple of heels in here.

Where were we? Oh, yes.

How much am I paying you fellows?

5,000, a year. But we've never been paid.

Well, in that case, I'll raise you to 8,000, and a bonus.

Bring your dog around, I'll give him a bonus too.

The dean is furious. He's waxing wrath.

Is Roth out there too? Tell Roth to wax the dean for a while.

Guess that's bad, huh?

One more thing, Professor. It's about your son.

I'm afraid he's paying too little attention to his studies

and too much to Connie Bailey, the college widow.

He is, eh? I'll put a stop to that. I'll call her up right now.

Have either of you weasels got her phone number?

BOTH: No! Well, it's a good thing I've got it.

Get me Maine 49970 and reverse the charges.

You may go now.

Drop this in the mailbox on your way out.

(BUZZING)

Hello. I wanna speak to Miss Bailey.

Is this Miss Bailey?

Mmm-hmm.

Why, of course I know your son.

Why, that's silly. We're just very good friends.

But, Professor, I don't understand.

You don't, eh? Well, I wanna see you. Come right over to my office.

You can't? You're in bed?

Well, in that case, I'll come over to your office.

That's a fine way to carry ice. Where are your tongs?

Looks like a tong war.

Well, that's the last time we deliver ice unless you pay the bill.

How much do we owe you? $2,000.

$2,000, for ice?

I can get an Eskimo for $200 and make my own ice.

I can do for you, I make you proposition.

You owe us $200. We take 2,000 and call it square.

That's not a bad idea. I'll tell you. I'll consult my lawyer,

and if he advises me to do it, I'll get a new lawyer.

Why don't you forget about the money.

Go to college, meet all the beautiful girls. Get yourself a co-ed.

Ha! I got a co-ed.

Last week for $18 I got a co-ed with two pair of pants.

Since when has a co-ed got two pair of pants? Since I joined the college.

Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year-old boy,

and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Well, now that you're a college boy, here's your hat.

Here's your pennant. Here's your coat.

Alright, report for football practice in the morning.

Now, I want you to sign this agreement.

Hey, there's nothing on this paper.

That's all right. We'll fill in something later.

Put your name on there, huh?

Gee, I didn't know you could write.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This isn't legal.

There's no seal on it. Where's the seal?

Where's the seal? Where's the seal?

Where's the seal? Where's the seal?

BOTH: Where's the seal?

(BARKING)

And thus we see that the function of the respiratory system

is to transmit oxygen into the bloodstream.

This process, which is called osmosis...

Have they started sawing a woman in half yet?

Oh, Mr. President, this is indeed a pleasure.

What brings you here?

A bicycle, but I left it out in the hall.

Have you got two empty dunce chairs? I brought you two empty dunces.

Come in, dunces. Here they are. Ten cents a dunce.

Well, all you need now is a bowl of cherries.

Find yourselves a couple of seats.

Now, let us go on with our lecture.

I wish you'd go on without your lecture.

What do you think of that slide?

Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.

Now let us examine the circulatory system.

Here is the liver.

What, no bacon? I'd send that back if I were you.

"The liver, if neglected, invariably leads to cirrhosis."

Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis.

Sure.

"So-roses are red, so-violets are blue,

"so-sugar is sweet, so-so are you."

(GROANS) I can't see him, but I bet I know who it is.

"For the protection of the heart, or cardium,

"Mother Nature has provided a sac called the pericardium."

Any questions?

Yes. When you gonna cut the watermelon open?

"Psychopathically, the duodenum is in inverse ratio

"to the coordination of the planephas."

Is this stuff on the level or are you just making it up as you go along?

My feet are getting tired from this walk.

Why, everything I told you can be found in the simplest textbook on anatomy.

I'm sure my students will bear me out.

We bear you out.

And let that be a lesson to every one of you.

This school was here before you came, and it'll be here before you go.

And you, too, you numbskull.

You've got some nerve. Leave me alone.

Let us follow a corpuscle on its journey.

Oh, my mistake. I thought I was a corpuscle.

As you know, there is constant warfare between the red and white corpuscles.

Now, then, baboons, what is a corpuscle?

BARAVELLI: That's easy.

First it's a captain, then it's a lieutenant, then it's a corpuscle.

That's fine. Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

We now find ourselves among the Alps.

The Alps are a very simple people living on a diet of rice and old shoes.

Beyond the Alps lies more Alps.

And the Lord Alps those that Alps themselves.

We then come to the bloodstream.

The blood rushes from the head down to the feet,

gets a look at those feet and rushes back to the head again.

This is known as Auction Pinochle.

WAGSTAFF: Now, in studying your basic metabolism,

we first listen to your hearts beat.

If your hearts beat anything but diamonds and clubs,

it's because your partner is cheating or your wife.

Now, take this point, for instance.

That reminds me. I haven't seen my son all day.

Well, the human body takes many strange forms.

Now, here is a most unusual organ.

The organ will play a solo immediately after the feature picture.

WAGSTAFF: Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat

or your landlord who won't cut the rent.

And what do they find? Asparagus.

Now, on closer examination...

Hmm. This needs closer examination.

In fact, it needs a nightgown.

Baravelli, who's responsible for this? Is this your picture?

I don't think so. It doesn't look like me.

Well, take it out of here immediately and hang it up in my bedroom.

Now then, out with it. Who did it?

WAGSTAFF: Oh, so you're the culprit.

Young man, as you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends.

Well, I was wrong.

I knew there was something you couldn't burn at both ends,

I thought it was a candle.

However, you must be punished.

Just for that, you stay after school.

But, Professor, I didn't do anything.

I know, but there's no fun in keeping him after school.

Now, we'll have no more interruptions.

According to Von Sternmetz, the eminent physiologist,

"There is ever present a group of white phagocytes..."

According to Von Sternmetz, the eminent physiologist,

"There is present a group of white phagocytes..."

According to Von...

According to Von Sternmetz...

According to Von Sternmetz, the eminent physiologist,

"There is present a group of white phagocytes..."

They are ever present and they are essential...

They are essential to prolonging life.

My left wing has been turned. My rear end has been cut off.

But I'll fight it out on these lines if it takes all summer.

They got me.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Oh, it's you, Frank.

Why, of course. I'd love to have you come over.

All right. I'll be expecting you, then.

Good-bye, darling.

Who were you calling "darling?"

Oh. Frank Wagstaff, the professor's son.

Say, I didn't tell you to fall for him.

I just told you to find out all you could about his team.

Well, he said it was a cinch for Huxley to win.

Listen, I've got my bankroll bet on Darwin and I'm taking no chances.

Before the game starts, I'll have the Huxley signals.

Now, here's down the hatch and on my way.

See you later.

Good-bye, dear.

Are you still here? I just came in.

What do you mean, am I still here? (GIGGLES)

Oh, I mean, are you here already?

You know, I really shouldn't be here.

The old man gave me a terrible bawling out for seeing you.

Oh, let's not worry about him. He'll never know you were here.

How about a little drink? All right.

I'll get you one. Please.

Are you Miss Bailey?

Come, come. One of us is Miss Bailey, and I'm not.

I'm Miss Bailey and who are you?

I'm Professor Wagstaff. Who are you?

Miss Bailey. Ah, then you are Miss Bailey.

Thought you could slip one over on me, didn't you?

Listen, madam, you've gotta give my son up.

Give him up? You can't take him from me.

He's all I've got in the world, except a picture

of George Washington crossing the Delaware.

But, Professor, I... Whatever you say is a lie.

He's only a shell of his former self, which nobody can deny.

Whoopee! (SCOFFS)

I tell you, you're ruining that boy. You're ruining him.

Did my son tell you, you had beautiful eyes?

Why, yes.

He told me that too. He tells that to everyone he meets.

Oh, I love sitting on your lap.

I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up. (KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Quick! Hurry! Get out of here. That door.

I don't want any ice.

Oh!

(SHATTERING)

Who was that? The iceman.

Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice. Oh!

That iceman stuff leaves me cold.

Here you are...

So I caught you at last. You are fooling around with this woman.

Oh, the shame of it.

That I should live to see a son of mine try to take a dame away from his father.

Dad, I can... Enough of this. You leave here immediately,

and I'll stay here and settle with this woman.

As soon as we're settled, we'll have you over for dinner.

On second thought, I'll go with you. Come. Follow me.

Be a lamp in the window for my wandering boy.

Let's see, where... Oh, yes. I was on your lap

and doing pretty well as I recall it. (KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Quick. Hurry. Get out. Hurry.

And remember, stay undercover.

You've got more students than the college.

Here, lady, you dropped your ice.

But I don't want any ice. Neither do I.

(SHATTERING)

Now do you want any ice? No.

Oh, you're beautiful. Ah, so nice.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Baravelli, you overcome me. But remember it was your idea.

No.

Lady, I like you.

You got something, but I don't know what it is.

I'm gonna tell him he's crazy.

Professor, I no see you. What are you doing here?

Nothing right now, but I was doing all right till you came in.

Oh! So you know the professor.

Sure. He put me in business. He got me on the football team.

Now all I gotta do is get him off the couch.

Have you read any good books lately?

(SHATTERING)

This must be the main highway.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Follow me. I've been doing this all day.

Pretty popular place, isn't it?

Yes, a hot dog stand would clean up here.

What are you doing here? Why, me?

I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons.

Since when are you taking singing lessons? Since you came in.

What are you doing here? I'm the plumber.

I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes.

That's the first time I've used that joke in 20 years.

Now, take a deep breath and follow me.

(PLAYING PIANO)

Well, we've got a cozy little place here, haven't we?

(SINGING SCALES)

You sing high, huh?

Yes, I have a falsetto voice.

That's funny. My last pupil,

she got a false set of teeth.

Maybe for the first lesson, it's better if you don't sing.

And if you don't sing, I think it's much better yet. I'll sing.

Everyone says I love you

The great, big mosquito when he sting you

The fly when he get stuck on the flypaper too

Says I love you

Every time the cow says moo

She makin' the bull feel very happy too

And the rooster when he holler cock-a-doodle-doodle-do

Says I love you

Christopher Colombo he write the queen of Spain a very nice, little note

And he write I love you, baby!

And then he get himself a great, big boat

He's a wise guy

What do you think Colombo do

When he come here in 1492

He say to Pocahontas Hacha, facha, cacha coo!

That means, you little son of a gun, I love you!

Maybe it's better if I don't sing too, huh? Yes.

All right. I'll play.

(PLAYING PIANO)

I love good music.

So do I. Let's get out of here. Sit down.

I've got to stay here, but there's no reason

why you folks shouldn't go out into the lobby till this thing blows over.

Well, that's all for the first lesson.

I come back next week and teach you how to breathe.

And don't breathe until I see you again.

If this is a singing lesson, I'm a ring-tailed monkey.

This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it. Baravelli!

What do you want? Are you going my way?

Sure. Well, you go my way, and I'll stay here.

No, you don't. You're leaving together.

And if I find you guys here again,

it'll be curtains. Now, on your way.

If my son comes back, tell him to take the lamp out of the window.

Dad, you've got the wrong football players.

You mean the whole team? No. Baravelli and the dogcatcher.

They're not football players at all.

They must be. I got 'em out of a speakeasy.

But you got the wrong ones.

The two fellows I told you about are playing for Darwin.

Send for Baravelli.

Scour the grounds. Don't leave a single stone unturned.

He's probably under one.

Baravelli! Baravelli!

(INDISTINCT VOICE)

What are you doing in there? Shh.

I'm practicing secret signals. Don't say nothing.

Seventy-two, 86, 74, 56, 101... Come on out.

What do you want? Baravelli, you can fix it for our team to win.

Oh, no. I wanna play.

All right. You can play. There's two football players on the Darwin team

I want kidnapped.

Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper? You bet.

You know what I do when I kidnap somebody?

First I call 'em up on the telephone, then I send 'em my chauffeur.

Oh, have you got a chauffeur? Yeah.

What kind of a car have you got?

I no got a car. I just got a chauffeur.

Maybe I'm crazy, but when you have a chauffeur,

aren't you supposed to have a car?

Well, I had one.

But it cost too much money to keep a car and a chauffeur,

so I sold the car.

Well, that shows you how little I know.

I would have kept the car and sold the chauffeur. That's no good.

I gotta have a chauffeur to take me to work in the morning.

If you've got no car, how can he take you to work?

He don't have to take me to work. I no got a job.

Baravelli, this is the finish.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Now, now, now, boys. Now, just a minute, boys, just a minute.

Now let's forget what happened yesterday.

I didn't come here to fight.

You've got to fight. I've already taken my coat off.

I wanna talk to Baravelli.

Now, you wouldn't mind stepping out, would you?

I'd love to step out, but I'd have to see the girl first.

Baravelli, I've got a proposition for you.

Watch yourself, Baravelli. He's almost as crooked as you are.

Let's go in here.

Baravelli, I want you to do something for me. I'm busy.

Me and my partner, we gotta kidnap a couple of football players

on the Darwin team. Is that so?

You don't mean MacHardie and Mullen?

That sounds something like it, but the fellows I mean are Mullen and MacHardie.

I'll give you a tip.

The boys you want live at 39 Hanley Street.

That's fine, thanks. Now, I want you to do something for me.

What do you want? Listen.

Give me the signals, and this 500 bucks is yours.

All right.

Here's the signals.

Hey, wait a minute. These are the wrong signals.

These are Darwin's signals. Do you think I'd give you $500 for Darwin's signals?

They cost me 200. I guess I gotta make a little profit.

(CLAPS, WHISTLES)

Say, listen, you've got to get busy and get those football signals.

But I thought you were going to get them.

If I did, I wouldn't be asking you to go after them, would I?

Now look, all you've got to do is to get to Professor Wagstaff.

He's got the Huxley signals,

and I'm depending on you to get them here before the game.

Yes, but how?

You know how.

Romance him, baby. Romance him.

And remember, all you're to get is football signals.

(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

Everyone says I love you

But just what they say it for I never knew

It's just inviting trouble for the poor sucker who

Says I love you

Take a pair of rabbits who

Get stuck on each other and begin to woo

And pretty soon you'll find a million more rabbits who

Say I love you

When the lion gets feeling frisky

And begins to roar

There's another lion

Who knows just what he's roaring for

Everything that ever grew

The goose and the gander and the gosling too

The duck upon the water when he feels that way too

Says...

(QUACKING)

That's a wise quack. You keep your bill out of this.

How would you like it if I butted into your affairs and laid an egg?

You know, this is the first time I've been out in a canoe since I saw

The American Tragedy.

Oh, you're perfectly safe, Professor, in this boat.

I don't know. I was gonna get a flat bottom, but the girl at the boathouse didn't have one.

Well, you know, Professor, I could go on like this,

drifting and dreaming forever.

What a day. Spring in the air.

Who, me? I should spring in the air and fall in the lake?

Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy.

Can you notice it from there?

I'm always that way after I eat radishes.

Oh, is that important? Is it important?

Those are the football signals.

Let 'em go. Luckily, I've got a duplicate set in my pocket.

I always carry two of everything.

This is the first time I've ever been out with only one woman.

Oh, you mean you take two girls out every time?

Particularly in an automobile. I hate to see a girl walk home alone.

Do you know, Professor, I've never seen football signals.

Do you think a little girl like me could understand them?

I think a little girl like you would understand practically anything.

(BABY TALK) Is great, big, strong man gonna tell little icky baby

all about the bad football signals?

Was that you or the duck?

'Cause if it was you, I'm gonna finish this ride with the duck.

If icky baby don't learn about the football signals,

icky baby gonna cry.

(BABY TALK) If icky girl keep on talking that way,

big, strong man's gonna kick all her teeth right down her throat.

(LAUGHS) Naughty man is only fooling.

Just for that I'm coming right over there

and smother naughty man with kisses.

You couldn't make that onions instead, could you?

Oh, so that's your game. That's your game, is it?

(SCREAMS)

Professor Wagstaff. Professor Wagstaff.

Oh, just call me Quincy.

After you get to know me better, you can call me Quince.

Oh, throw me the lifesaver. The lifesaver.

Oh, Professor Wagstaff. Please hurry, Professor. Oh, Professor.

Thirty-nine. This is it.

(RINGING)

Hello. Yeah, this is MacHardie.

(CHUCKLES) So they're coming right over, eh?

Okay, Mr. Jennings. We'll take care of 'em.

Can you beat it?

Jennings says Baravelli and the dogcatcher

are coming over here to kidnap us, to keep us out of the game.

(BOTH LAUGH)

This is the place. Now, how are we gonna catch 'em?

Oh, that's for catching flies.

Baseball players catch flies. We look for football players.

You bring the tools? You got the shovel, the ax and the pick?

Where's the pick?

No, that's no pick. That's a hog.

A hog. Don't you know what a hog is?

Oh, come on. Let's get busy. We gotta kidnap a couple of football players.

We're looking for Mullen and MacHardie.

That's us. What can we do for you? You got a brother?

No. You got a sister?

Yeah. Well, your sister, she's a very sick man.

You'd better come with us.

Yeah? What happened to her?

She had an accident in her automobile.

She has no automobile.

Well, maybe she fall off her horse. I don't look very close.

Come on. We take you in our car.

You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.

That's all right. We no got a car. Come on.

So you think you're gonna take us for a ride, eh?

This is gonna take a long time.

(WHISTLES) Try one at a time.

(WHISTLES)

Didn't work, huh?

Get tough.

(SNORTING) Get tough with the other one.

Get tough with both of 'em.

(SNORTING FASTER) Tougher!

Now you're getting someplace.

Hey, Pinky, you'd better think of something else.

I'm exhausted too. I can't think of anything.

Maybe you fellas got an idea.

I'll say we got an idea. Where's that rope, Ed?

Get 'em, Ed!

MACHARDIE: Hey, you guys, we'll let you know how the game comes out!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

We come to kidnap them, they kidnap us.

That's a-fix a-fine we're in.

How we gonna get out...

I got an idea. You got a rope?

That's good. That's fine.

Tie on the bed, throw the rope out of the window.

Tie on the bed, throw the rope out of the window.

(JIGGLING DOOR KNOB)

Hey...

What do you do, huh? You throw the rope out of the window,

but you no tie on the bed.

No, I don't mean the tie. I mean tie the rope.

Now what are you going to do?

You crazy. That's no good.

How are we gonna get out of here?

Come here. You wanna break my neck?

(GRUNTING)

Yeah, don't worry, Mr. Jennings.

Everything's working out fine.

That's all right. The game's in the bag. See you later.

Well, I wonder what the two mugs are doin' up there.

(LAUGHS)

Well, well. Our little playmates.

Just in time for a cup of tea.

We got no cups, but we'll see you after the game.

Come on, Pinky. Let's go.

No, you don't. Take off your coat.

Come on.

Snap into it. Off with your shirt. Quit stallin'.

Now take off your pants. Hey, I got a date.

Nothin' doin'.

That goes for you too! Take that coat off!

Stand over there, you. Come on, Ed. Let's take their clothes.

Now, if you boys'll excuse us, we'll run along and play a little football.

Just make yourselves right at home.

Tune in on the radio, if you wanna see how the game's goin' along.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'll send my sister over to keep you company.

Gee, I guess it's locked.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, boy, what a pretty play!

Darwin just completed a forward pass for a touchdown,

and the crowd is going wild!

Well, folks, there seems to be no stopping Mullen and MacHardie today.

COMMENTATOR: Two minutes left to play in the first quarter,

and, oh, what a lacing the Huxley team is getting!

There they go! Coffey has the ball, and he's breaking through!

(SCREAMING)

Well, partner, I guess we made a grand slam.

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey, Pinky, hurry up! Hurry up! Come on! Come on.

We still got time to play. (WHISTLE BLOWS)

REFEREE: Play ball!

Well, you're a couple of fine kidnappers.

Do you know the fellows you kidnapped got here before you did?

Look at that score, 12 to nothing.

A fat lot you care.

Do you realize what it means if Huxley loses this game?

It means shame, disgrace, humiliation.

And besides, you're crazy if you don't play the ace.

Come on and fight!

No, no, no, no. Get in that game.

Listen, you bunch of butterfingered milksops,

the way you're playing, you couldn't beat a girl's basketball team.

We've gotta win this game, do you understand?

Even if we have to use our star play, Number 37.

You remember it, don't you? The quarterback gets the ball, goes 'round left end

and makes a lateral pass to the right guard.

Hey, Dad... Wait a minute.

Boys, if you can't beat that bunch of half-witted goofs... Dad!

What do you want? Why you're talking to the wrong team.

I know I am, but our team wouldn't listen to me. Oh.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, which way you goin'? Out there.

All right. Drop me off at the 40-yard line.

Where's your number? (WHISTLES)

My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game.

I've got $5 bet on the other team. (BAND CONTINUES)

PLAYER 1: Ready? PLAYER 2: Okay.

PLAYER 3: Ready? PLAYER 4: Okay. Let's go.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(GUNFIRES)

Ah, here comes Professor Wagstaff.

Will you say something, Professor?

I will if you get up out of there.

Professor Wagstaff will tell you all about the game.

This is some football game, and I wish you were here.

In fact, I wish you were here instead of me.

Last week at this same hour, I told you Mrs. Moskovitz was expecting a blessed event.

Well, last night, Mrs. Moskovitz had twins.

Okay, Mr. Moskovitz!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Thank you, Professor. It was nothing at all.

(BAND CONTINUES)

The boys are back on the field. They're lined up.

Huxley is about to kick off to Darwin,

and there they go!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Pardon me.

That'll teach him to pass a lady without tipping his hat.

Hike! (CROWD SCREAMS)

PLAYER 1: All right, gang. Come on. Come on. Drive it in there.

Hey, look out there. You wanna get hurt? We're gonna throw a forward pass.

Signals!

Eighteen, seventy-two. Forward pass.

Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. Ready or not, here we go. Hike!

Why, Pinky, what are you doing here?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That tackle will cost your team 15 yards.

(LAUGHS)

You're supposed to tackle the man with the ball, do you understand?

(GRUNTS) What's the idea?

Hey, idiot, where's that ball?

Hey, look! He's got the mumps.

Come on. Give me that ball. Give me it!

(REFEREE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(PLAYERS CHATTERING)

BARAVELLI: Hike!

Heads up. Heads up over there. Signals.

Eighteen, 42, 56, end run. Hup!

(CROWD SCREAMS)

Hey, bring that back!

(PLAYER CALLING SIGNALS)

(SCREAMS)

Come on, boys.

Jumping anaconda.

Is there a doctor in the stands?

Why, yes. I'm a doctor. How do you like the game, Doc?

(CROWD CHANTING)

Come back for me in five minutes.

(WHISTLE BLOWS) Hike!

Hmm. Fancy seeing you here.

Well, it's a small world after all.

Hike!

Why weren't you in that last scrimmage? I'm sitting this one out.

What are you doing with that cigar in your mouth?

Why? Do you know another way to smoke it?

Get on your feet.

Don't look now, boys, but I think I see the chemistry professor

up in the stands with the janitor's wife.

Here. Have a cigar.

Hike!

Signal. Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.

Professor Wagstaff gets the ball. Hike!

(CROWD SCREAMS)

PLAYER: Have you got it, boys? ALL: Okay.

PLAYER: Hike!

REFEREE: Hey, bring that ball in here.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hike!

There goes the ball.

Go on, Pinky! That's a boy!

Make a home run. Attaboy! Yeah!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Gee, that's great, Pinky. You made a touchdown.

Are you tired? Oh, that's marvelous.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

BARAVELLI: Hike!

I forgot your phone number. Will you give it to me again?

PLAYER 1: Where's that ball?

Here it is!

Come on. Get off that ball. You're holding up the game.

Let's huddle up, men.

(WHISTLE BLOWS) (ALL CHATTERING)

BARAVELLI: Hike!

Signal. Uno, due, tre, bendy. This time, we go left endy.

Hike!

Nice work, Pinky!

Signal.

High diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle.

This time, I think we go through the middle. Hike!

(BARKING)

Hey, you're running the wrong way!

(PINKY WHISTLES)

We are gathered together here

to join this man and this woman

in the bonds of matrimony, which is an honorable estate.

Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

TOGETHER: We do.