Original subtitles

All my life, I have made it an absolute rule never to pass a hitchhiker at any

time of day or night without giving him or her a lift.

Then, on a pouring wet evening in September just outside Oxford, I picked

unhappy -looking young men who were soaked to the skin.

Both had hair down to their shoulders and bushy beards.

One of them said as they climbed into the back, What a relief. Thank you so

much.

Suddenly, I felt the point of a knife pressing into my neck.

Hey, I said, steady on.

Get out, the knife man said, and hurry.

I got out.

They drove off and left me standing in the rain.

Since then, I have never given a lift to any man with long hair or with a bushy

beard.

The hitchhiker in this story has neither.

Paul Duveen had lived in Britain for 15 years.

He was a writer, a successful writer.

He liked living in Cambridge.

And he loved driving real automobiles.

You wouldn't be going to London by any chance, would you, sir? Sure, I would

in.

Thank you, sir.

Very kind.

That's okay. You're a decent man.

All set.

Fine looking motorcar.

Mm -hmm. Huh?

Brand new, hmm?

Yeah, pretty much.

Feel like a ten -year -old kid with a new toy, you know?

Smells like a...

Thoroughbred.

What part of London are you headed for?

Well, I'll be going out to London, out the other side.

Absinthe.

The races, you know.

Derby day, mister.

Oh, the derby. Oh, I wish I was going with you.

Love to put a bet on the horses.

Oh, I never go betting on horses. I wouldn't even want to watch them run,

Why are you going to the Derby?

Oh,

you work at one of the betting machines, do you?

Betting machines?

Oh, no, that's worse again. No fun there.

Oh, I guess so.

I asked the wrong question.

Oh, you can ask any question you like.

In your own domain.

But you don't have to reply, huh?

Hey, wait a minute. Are you one of those buskers, you know, entertaining the

crowds? Soft shoe shuffle, stuff like that, huh?

Can you imagine me running around with a mouth organ and banging my knees with a

spoon?

Well, frankly, I can, yeah.

Excuse me, mister.

Would you mind letting me out here?

What? Listen, would you just draw in here, please?

What are you talking about?

All right, great. Thank you. Thank you. Come on, I'm sorry. No, no, no.

Look,

I couldn't be bothered.

Riding along with a fella that thinks so little of me.

Oh, now, come on. Huh?

Well, I don't think little of you.

Oh. I said I was sorry.

Yeah.

Well... Well, look, I really am sorry. Now, listen, it's none of my business. I

won't ask any more questions, okay?

Really, I remember when I used to hitchhike, you know, I couldn't stand

cross -examined. Who are you? What do you do? Where are you from?

I won't ask any more questions.

You see, the trouble is I'm a writer, and you know how writers cry, right?

It's just I'm curious about people, okay?

Uh, a nosy parker?

Isn't that what the British call it?

Oh, I wouldn't know.

I'm from Donegal.

See, I'm no expert in the language of Cromwell.

Okay. No, excuse me.

Did you say...

A writer, are you?

Well, yeah, I write books.

Oh. Anyway, I apologize again. Just a minute now.

No, that's... I accept your apology.

Oh, I'm glad.

Oh, say, you write books?

Yeah. You know, that's a skilled trade.

Oh, thank you. Of course, mine's a skilled trade, too.

You know...

I always say that the whole secret of life is to get to be very, very good.

That's something that's very, very hard to do.

Yeah. You've accomplished that, Huggins.

Well,

I'd say, uh -huh.

Thank yourself, sir.

70. Nice, huh? Yeah.

It must have cost you a tidy bit, this motor car, huh?

It wasn't cheap.

Driving a good car, my one indulgence, I guess.

Tell us now, I mean, what would she be capable of?

I mean, how many, you know, revolutions per minute, flat out?

This?

129, to make his claim.

129 miles an hour.

Oh, you'd never believe that for a young, would you?

No, she will. They make a beautiful machine, these people.

Look at that.

What, 129 miles an hour? Ah, she'd never do that, no, I know, no, no.

I'd bet you anything you like, she wouldn't.

Well, I bet she will.

I know, no, not at all.

All these car manufacturers, they're all bloody liars, every one of them.

And I'm surprised, you know, a smart fella like you, you don't believe in all

that jazz.

Well, and this is, I do.

Do you?

Yeah. Yeah, well, prove it.

How dare you?

Who are you?

Pat,

you speak well.

With pleasure, mister, with pleasure.

Ah, that's beautiful, beautiful.

What's that?

Oh, beautiful.

Beautiful. Oh, she's beautiful. Oh, the tongue, she's...

She's had the tongue.

A hundred and fifteen books.

Go on, go on, go on, keep going, keep going, keep going.

Oh,

why do you have nobody to go? Why do you have nobody?

Oh,

that's the word.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Keep going.

You can lose him.

Of course you can lose him.

Why did I ever listen to you?

Why?

Why, because you're a good gambler, sir. That's why.

You're a good gambler.

Didn't know a motorcycle cop could do 110.

Oh, I could. Yes, I could indeed.

You see, his motorbike is the same make as your motorcar.

Only it fizzles out at 112.

If you'd have kept going, you'd have been okay.

Look at him.

This is real trouble.

Yeah. Ah, well, sure.

It's only your first offense, isn't that right?

Like a real man looking devil.

Want to watch out?

Morning, sir.

Morning.

Okay, bye.

What's your hurry?

No hurry, officer.

You mean you don't have a lady in the back who's having a baby?

No, obviously not.

But your house is on fire and you're dashing home to rescue your family, huh?

No.

And perhaps you're carrying urgent medical supplies to a hospital, perhaps?

No.

I see.

You, uh, hold a current British driving license, sir? Oh, sure I do, officer,

yes.

Just as you sound American to me.

I am.

Perhaps you can claim diplomatic immunity.

No, no.

I wish I could.

You're not wasting my time, am I?

You, uh... You are aware of the speed limit in this country, of course?

Seventy.

Of course.

Do you mind telling me what speed you were doing just now?

Well, I was a little over that, I know.

That's pulling it politely, sir.

I passed you at 112 miles an hour.

One, one, two.

And that's not a speed I care to drive at, sir.

Except in the course of duty, that is.

Do you mind getting out your vehicle, sir?

What?

I must caution you, sir, that anything you say may be taken down in... I'm

evidence against you. I know. Yeah.

Could I see your driving license, sir? Oh, sure, I'll bring it.

Hey, mister, mister, you... Ooh, you left it in the glove department. Here,

it, sir, quick.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I see.

I do hate this little plastic envelope.

Yeah.

Well, well, well, two convictions already, yeah?

And one of them's an SP -60.

You make a habit of exceeding the speed limit, sir? That was a couple of years

ago. Well, you're going to lose your license for 12 months, you know that,

you? That's up to the magistrate, isn't it?

That was two endorsements already, it's automatic.

Not to mention this third offense took place on a motorway.

Now, we do take a very firm line about except speeds on a motorway.

Now, the last bloke I booked on this same stretch of motorway got fined 20

pounds for every mile he was over the speed limit.

No kidding?

Now, you were 42 miles over the limit. You can work that out for yourself.

Well, it's well over 800 pounds, huh?

Right.

What are your full names, sir?

Uh, Devine.

Paul.

George. Thank you, sir.

Now you. Who are you?

Well, uh, he's all right. I picked him up. He's hitchhiking. He's got nothing

do with this. I didn't ask you.

Hey, what have I done?

You're a witness, if nothing else.

How'd you get?

This is a hard man, mister.

No, no.

They're a hard man.

Look,

I don't see what on the... I do my job, sir.

Why don't you get back in your vehicle, sir? Recover your breath, as it were.

This won't take a minute.

All right.

Let's have your full name, huh?

Yeah, Michael O 'Brien Vesh.

Address?

14 Gladstone Road, Washington.

Occupation?

Unemployed.

Hodder. Hodperrier.

Don't get funny with me.

I'm not getting funny with you. That's the truth.

I'm on the welfare.

You've only got to ask. Oh, I shall.

I'm going to check you out.

Should I? Look, I've done nothing.

What have I done?

I just don't like your face, that's all.

We must have a record of it on file somewhere. I don't like your attitude.

Most insulting.

Here, may I just get a lift from this nice kind gentleman?

Excuse me, mister. Are you... All right, enough said.

Listen, don't you lay a hand on me. Look, don't you lay a hand on me. In you

get. You saw that, didn't you? Now, that constitutes an assault.

So I'm reporting you. Why?

I am going to report you.

Ah, right.

And this gentleman is my witness.

Wrong. You are my witness.

To a very serious offence.

I'll see you both in court.

Good morning.

Well, there he goes now.

Mean as a knacker's yard. A regular... A regular peacock.

800 pounds, not suspended licence for a year.

Thought this was going to be a good day.

You were two endorsements already.

Oh, that's bad. No, that's bad.

What am I to like?

Did I really live in the glock compartment?

Did I?

I think you must have.

I think you must have.

Tell us, what are you thinking of doing?

I'm thinking of getting off this cop -infested motorway and finding us a

to dry off.

Well, better luck next time, old fella.

You can take your wet coat off.

No, no, that's all right.

You know, I told him a bit of a lie, Don Policeman.

Because I'm not unemployed. I'm going to be very busy this afternoon.

And tomorrow, too.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

At the Derby.

You know, you write a fellow... You're such a pack of nosy pockers. Do you know

that?

You know, I know you'll never be satisfied till I come out with what I

That's all.

Not really. It's up to you.

Do I?

You just itching to know?

No. I can tell by the look on your face.

Not really. Look, drink up and let's get out of here. Come on. We're going. You

know, you're in a desperate hurry.

It doesn't pay to hurry, you know. No, it doesn't. That's why I'm going to

very, very slowly. Now, come on. Come on. Hold on. Hold hard now. Hold hard.

You're not drunk, are you?

I'm too rich, guys.

Irish?

English measures, but... Oh, boy.

The Lord only knows what my wife's going to say.

That was quick.

You noticed that, did you? Sure I did. That's fascinating.

I never saw anybody roll a cigarette that fast.

Fingers.

Yeah, I know the joke.

Fish fingers.

Look, you see them fingers there?

Huh?

You wouldn't think you'd look at them.

But they're the quickest, slickest fingers you've ever seen in your life,

Are you a concert pianist?

My job's a hundred times more difficult than piano playing.

Any fool can learn the piano.

But I can tell you, not one in ten million can learn to do what I do.

I'm telling you, boy.

Yeah, you've been telling me. I heard you.

I am telling you, boy.

I got it.

You're a kind of amateur magician?

You're a card player, aren't you?

You're card sharp, huh?

Well, now you're insulting me.

All right, then I give up.

Ever seen this before?

Looks the same as mine. Where'd you get that? I took it off the top of your

truck.

You took that off me while I was driving?

Why wouldn't I?

You undid the buckle and you slid it through all the loops while we were

driving.

Well,

it seems believing.

What about the...

What about it?

Is anyone around here missing a shoelace, I wonder?

Do you mind that time when I missed me step coming out of the pub, like?

Yeah, I remember.

I didn't see anything.

Ah, well, no, I know you didn't. Well, you weren't, uh, you weren't meant to.

You shot fingers, you know.

Fingers, thank you, my fingers.

What's the time, man? What's the time?

The clock's right there in front of me. Ah, no, I hate them car clocks. No, I

like to get the right time, you know. I have a decent gold watch, the like of

this. No, it's not a beauty, huh?

It's not a beauty.

Do you know what? You could flog that anywhere, couldn't you? Fish!

Put the watch down.

What are you stopping for? What else have you got of mine? A joke's a joke.

on. What else have you got?

Look, I'm only answering your question, mister. You asked me what I did for a

living, and here I am. I'm showing you. What else have you got of mine?

Are you a policeman?

I'm not a policeman.

But if you don't show me, what...

Special

delivery.

Okay, now get out.

Out? Me?

Out. Out?

Yes.

Out. I don't give rise to pickpockets. If you want to know, I'm a fingersmith.

A what? A professional fingersmith. You know, like a goldsmith or a silversmith.

And I can tell you, I follow my own professional code of honor.

I always give back anything that's of no use to me.

Oh, you mean you're Robin Hood working the racetrack?

Look, I know what you must be feeling, mister.

Because it wasn't a very good morning for you, was it? Well, it's still out.

Come on, fingers. I mean, what with me making you go over the speed limit and

the police and all.

And now you're disapproving of my vocation.

Exactly. Now, get out.

Out. Out, I said.

Very funny.

I couldn't resist.

Out.

You know, you're... Would you give me my hat, please?

Here.

You know, you're a hard man, mister.

You're worse than Don, policeman.

Yeah, and he's checking on you right now.

Oh, no, no, no. Nobody's checking on me, mister.

He's got your name and address, Fish.

He wrote it all down in his little black book.

All right, well, wait till you see now. What about this, sir?

Michael O 'Brien, Fish, 14 Gladstone Road, Royston, unemployed.

That was my particulars. Now, here's your particulars, you see.

When cautioned, Mr. Duveen replied.

You took that from a cop?

Oh, it was easy.

It was dead easy.

Good Lord.

But he'll remember names, registration numbers. Ah, no, no, he won't remember

because he wrote it down. You see, he'll not remember because...

He didn't think he'd have to.

How do you see?

I don't know.

Ah, what I do.

Because I've been booked before, do you see? And I always took the wee book.

Never heard a word after.

Well, I tell you what. I think the two of us should get out here. And we'll

build a wee bonfire and burn all them things.

And then after, like, if you insist, I'll walk.

Oh, no, no. No, no, no. If you want, I'll walk. I don't mind.

No, right, right.

Bonfire.

Brilliant fish.

Brilliant. Yeah, how, you know, it's nice to be appreciated.

All right. Ha -ha.

Hey, fish.

Yeah. What if it doesn't burn? I mean, it's starting to rain again. Yes. If you

could get just a few dry... Dry cleats. Dry... Dry cleats. Here.

He couldn't resist it.