Original subtitles

So tell us exactly what happened well we went over to my room

yes and I took off my clothes

ok And then I took his clothes off

go on and then we did it

how many times?

I don't know, once maybe twice he was doing okay

then what happened well then he told me he was broke and could

I give him a break what'd you do next?

Well I went over to the closet and I took out a sexual enhancement device

And is this the device?

Yeah that's it then what did you do?

I'll show ya

(music)

every time I look out my window it hits me Los Angeles, the city of the angels

I'd like to meet the sick son of a bitch that thought that one up

he must've had one wicked sense of humor things had been relatively quiet until the

middle of June I say relatively as in relative to any giant

sewer that has 8 million rats scrurrying around

looking for something to gnaw on now that's the kind of quiet that makes L.A.

the kind of place it is Anyway

Around mid-June someone must have turned over a big rock

because something weirder than the normal weird began chewing up the local citizenry

and spitting little pieces all over Glitter City

Where it started or exactly when I'm not sure I don't think the cops even know

but on a warm night, not long enough ago to suit me, things were beginning to take shape

somewhere on the other side of town and it wasn't gonna be a pretty picture

The West Side Bar the kind of dark, quiet, sleazy place where

dark, quiet, sleazy things happen on a regular basis

every now and then, someone dies

you from around here?

Yeah where you from?

Seattle just down here for a few weeks on a job

me too what's your name, Seattle?

Bo.

Bo Hansen Bo, Bo Hansen?

What are you, a circus clown?

Not Bobo, just Bo my name, smart ass.

Bo Hansen well

look who got up on the wrong side of the construction site this morning

what you need is some TFC to calm you down TFC?

What the hell is TFC? It's Tender Fucking Care you big stiff

you're a hooker, aren't you?

Hey you moron I'm a lady

any jerk can see that but I do, occasionally, provide services to

release tension in our city's workforce a social worker of sorts

God knows you could use some social work something got ya down, don't it baby?

Yeah but I don't wanna talk about it

why don't you let Momma Mercedes buy you a drink at her place

it's cheaper there I doubt that

Oh come on, Bo you could tell me how they sink those big

girders in all that wet cement Mercedes, huh?

Man I bet you're as expensive as a fuckin Mercedes Benz

don't you worry about that for big studs like you I can arrange financing

what do ya say?

Ah fuck it, come on let's go this is your place?

Yeah...

Howard Hughes left it to me when he died haven't seen anything like this since I left

Okinawa Ooh, a military man

Drill Instructor now we're talking

have a seat ya know, you construction workers really turn

me on must be the way we... pound nails

I'll bet you pound a bucket-full a day Sometimes

you want some music? It's your party

it's OUR party he really sends me

yeah, nice real nice

this music does something to me sometimes I get carried away

want one?

Oh, talk about stiff joints! Oh yeah

relax baby, relax we don't want this to be over before we even

get started, do we?

I'm relaxin, I'm relaxin I've got just the thing to loosen you up

now close your eyes and Mercedes will bring you a big surprise

what are you doing? Just keep those eyes closed

and leave the driving to us, big boy oh yeah

oh yeah baby that's it oh drag me to heaven

take me to heaven Your request is my demand!

Oh no! Oh nooooo!

(screaming) pieces started floating to the surface of

the sewer around mid-June cops immediately thought a serial killer was

at large well the M.O. was consistent, somebody liked

a good chainsaw but murder's not usually my racket

my name's Jack Chandler I find missing people, not pieces

Once in a while, the two jobs overlap I'd been hired to find a runaway teenage beauty

from Oxnard I was hired by the beauty's mother

Seems the beauty's stepfather had been tucking her into bed a little too tight and she decided

to split to the big city personally, I felt she couldn't be doing any

worse than the deal she had at home As usual, I was 100% wrong

Harrison at metro had a freaked out girl that matched that description of my runaway in

custody the charge: makin McNuggets with a chainsaw

I don't give a good God damn now you listen to me, put the gloves on, open

the bag, that's right, and count 'em again

Jackson, you're the coroner, if your stomach can't handle it, who's can?

I don't care how many lunches you lose I wanna know how many victims are in that

bag and I wanna know soon or I'll find another coroner!

How's business, Mick?

Chandler.

Just what I need today, a private dick in my face

Come on Mick, let's have a little professional courtesy, huh?

After all, we're both on the same side of the law

Only because you haven't been caught, yet now you don't wanna believe all those things

you read in those dime novels, do ya?

Some of us are honest that's what this town's been needing for a

long time, an honest dick I'll tell ya, I'm about as honest as any man

on the force then you should be locked up

what do you want, Jack?

Looking for a girl name's Samantha Kelso

goes by Sam sometimes I heard you had somebody down in lock up,

looks just like her thought I might get lucky

you mean the nut with the chainsaw? You get a name on her yet?

Nah, the boys in interrogation screwed up big time

they thought the sight of the murder weapon might shock her into spilling her guts

only problem was they forgot to take the gas out of it

and she spilled their guts instead she's a first class looney

and we have no way of I.D.ing her so far can I see her?

What the hell... why not? Have some men bring the Cuisinart queen in

from lock up thanks, Mick

no problem.

So, what's the story on this one?

You know, typical runaway.

Daddy bounces her on the wrong knee one too many times, she goes searching for a new daddy

town's full of 'em yeah?

Daddies or runaways?

Both. And I thought I was burned out

bring her in you can wait outside the door.

Yes sir sit down

hello Hi

well?

Close, but no cigar what's your name, sweetheart?

Lori, what's yours?

Jack.

You from around here Lori?

Uh-huh You ever been to Oxnard?

No but I've been around the world a few times you ever seen this girl?

What's the matter, chainsaw got your tongue? You guys are kinda cute

both of ya say, how'd you two boys like to take a little

trip with Lori, huh?

All you gotta do is pick my lock forget it, psycho

Officer Roberts, escort this freak back to lock up

Oooh talk tough to me daddy, it turns me on get her outta here, now!

Let's go see ya later, boys

don't bet on it tough break, Chandler

Nah, nah no sweat I'd have been worried if it was really her,

that woulda been too easy yeah

what?

Sir, they just brought something in that you might want to take a look at, it's down at

the lab Okay I'll head down that way

Never ends.

I'll walk with ya yeah, ok

set of keys, lip balm, mascara looks like, and uh

what do ya got? The boys on the beat found this stuff on the

sidewalk dog was playing with it

let's see it this from uptown?

No sir, they found it in West L.A. get some prints off those and run 'em through

the computer yes sir

let me know when you find the rest of 'em sir! There's something else in here, stuck

to the bottom what is it?

A matchbook no shit!

Could it be a clue?

Everything's a clue, son well, uh, see you around guys

hey Harrison, wait for me No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake

that girl Lori off my mind her face, her voice

the way she looked at us it all kept bugging me, but it wasn't getting

me any closer to finding Samantha Kelso neither was coming here, but it made me feel

better this is where Sally lives, Sally's my girl,

sort of deep down I felt there was some connection

between that chainsaw-happy chick and my missing girl

I saw the look in her eyes when she saw Samantha's picture

she knew her from somewhere and the cops had come up with another victim,

or at least part of him maybe there was another killer out there

just maybe Something told me to pinch the matches when

I first saw them someone had scrawled a number inside the matches

and a name, Mercedes had the guy been trying to buy a car and wound

up in a used parts department himself?

Sally was out like a light but the night was still young so I decided

to get back to work being a dick is a 24-hour a day job

where the fuck do you think you're going now?

Sally woke up and had that longing look in her eye

begged me not to leave, but I told her I had a dangerous job I had to go on

and she understood, she wished me well, threw me a kiss

what can I tell ya, the kid just loved me I told her I'd be real careful and I'd come

back as soon as I could tears welled up in her eyes as I walked out

the door meanwhile, across town

are you Lisa?

Yeah you Hermie Beamer?

Just call me Herman yeah, alright

okay Hermie, what do you got to drink around here?

Is sour mash alright? It'll do

for a start what's in the suitcase?

24 inches of fun I beg your pardon?

Toys, for big boys oh

so tell me Hermie, what's on your beady little mind?

Well, I um, would like to take some pictures nude

that's doable it's not for me, for my business

Hermie, you're not going to sell naked pictures of me on the street...

no!

I wouldn't do that this is for a calendar, advertising my product

and what exactly is it that you sell?

Baseball bats nude calendars for baseball bats...

all the little leaguers just love 'em church groups do, too

ok Hermie, it's your ballgame let's see if you can go the whole 9 innings

hold it, hold it oh great!

Oh great, bring back... oh hold it

oh yes, that's perfect just hold that

perfect oh that's really good

why are you coming so close?

I can't keep it in focus why are you coming so close?

I can't do it if you come this close! Well Hermie, it looks like your calendar idea

was ahead of it's time while Herman's evening may have been... cut

short... mine was just getting started I came back to my office to dial the number

on the matchbook it rang a long time, something deep inside

me hoped there'd be no answer no such luck.

A woman picked up the phone she said she was selling, but not a car

Mercedes was her name low miles, built for comfort not speed

I played it cool and agreed to meet her at the West Side for a drink

after I hung up I began to wonder if the finger prints on the matchbook would turn out to

be hers another death by dismemberment in the news

tonight, this brings the total up to 5 over the last 2 weeks

Detective Harrison of the metro division made a statement this afternoon attributing the

most recent death to an accident the guy was just cleaning his chainsaw when

it went off yeah sure, maybe it was a suicide

I didn't believe Harrison's theory any more than the d.j. did, but I understood it

I knew what the police statement was all about it was just a little fairy tale to help the

kids sleep at night at the time I was a lot more concerned about

meeting this mysterious dame alone than what the radio had to say about the chainsaw killer

if I was on the trail of one of these psychos, I wanted to make sure I didn't end up in a

paper bag like the last guy who lit these matches

who knows, maybe I'd get lucky and the dame could lead me to Samantha Kelso and I could

wrap up the case nice and clean and pay last month's rent

little Jack lucky that's what they called me

yeah... sure... it didn't look like my date had arrived yet,

I wasn't quite sure who I was looking for all Mercedes said was that her headlights

were great I decided to get a drink and bug the bar hop

a little What'll it be, pal?

Bourbon, with a bourbon chaser think I'll have to write that down

I decided to flash the missing girl's picture around while I waited

first I showed him Samantha Kelso's photo then I showed him a picture of a chainsaw

I'd torn out of a magazine at Sally's place still nothing

then I showed him how to make a shadow bunny on the wall

nothing phased this guy I hope you haven't been waiting long

no I... just got here you're uh...

Mercedes oh, how'd you pick me out?

You're the only man in here buy you a drink?

Yeah, first let's get a table okay

So, tell me, uh...

Jack Jack, so tell me Jack

how did you come by my number? An acquaintance of mine passed it on to me

yeah, he said that he was very very happy with the

headlights and upholstery Jack?

Yeah I'm going to fuck your brains out

I didn't like the sound of that Well I'll get the drinks

oh, don't bother this one's on me

besides, I know the bartender personally he might get mad if I don't come by to say

hello oh yeah, he's a real social kind of guy

Mercedes certainly seemed to have her engine racing

but that didn't make her guilty of murder, if that was the case the whole town would

be in trouble of course that didn't rule her out, either

I looked over at the little number on the stage

she was shaking it pretty good, even if no one was watching

you could've knocked me over with a pubic hair

there she was, Samantha Kelso humping it out on that little stage for anyone

who could stick a buck down her pants maybe my luck had started to change

I checked the photo to make sure it was her all right.

A little slinkier and a little more seasoned than when the picture was taken, but then

city life will do that to a dish like her warning bells started going off in my head

so I decided to put in a call to Harrison if there were going to be fireworks, I wanted

to make sure my friends in blue were invited to the party

Hello Metro?

You have reached the metropolitan police homicide division.

All operators are currently busy.

Please hold.

Your call will be answered in the order it was received.

If you have committed a recent homicide, please stay on the line.

We want very much to hear from you.

If you are currently in fear of becoming a homicide in the next few minutes, you may

want to hang up and dial 911 for immediate service

Thank you Damn answering machines!

I didn't have time to wait for the metro boys to get around to my call

my date was back I'm sorry, I had to go wash up it's kind of

a rough day well, let's hope that your evening goes a

little smoother yeah, let's hope

are you looking for someone, Jack?

Hmm? It's not nice to make your date jealous

oh I'm sorry, just this habit I have.

I'm sort of a people watcher well, I like to participate more than spectate

well, different strokes for different folks, that's what makes a superbowl

what's that you're driking, anyway? It's a Screaming Orgasm

somehow I knew it would be...

I just love intelligent men yeah, I'm kind of an... noticing that you're

kind of... you're...

I'm a real scream once you get to know me Oh yeah, little Jack lucky, that's what they

should call me alright I've got more luck than anyone should have

a right to unfortunately, it's all bad

oh well, I guess I should've been looking at the glass instead of the ass, that'll teach

me Yeah, sure it will

if my head wasn't hurting so much I'd have sworn I was in heaven

heaven for guys who liked big tits but my head was hurting, and I wasn't in heaven

I wasn't even close don't say a thing

lie back, be still you've been through a terrible ordeal

what happened? On my way home tonight I found you in the

gutter I thought you were dead

well I guess I'm lucky you bumped over me, huh?

Lot of people wouldn't have had the nerve to do that

I'm so glad you didn't die on me that would've been awful

yeah... where am I exactly anyway? In my apartment

do you remember what happened?

I was in a bar with a beautiful girl having a drink, and all of a sudden lights out

is that it? That's all I remember.

Sorry it's not a very exciting story well, I was looking through your wallet for

a little identification you're a detective

private eye, I trace missing persons mostly that must be very exciting

oh yeah, it's a barrel of laughs I thought you might be chasing after some

murderers or kidnappers or something no nothing that spectacular, just a teenage

runaway somewhere along the line I must've slipped

on a piece of shit and landed in here with you

why don't you call the police?

Well I tried, couldn't get through oh I'm so glad Jack

because I have you all to myself now for a moment there I thought I was paralyzed,

then I noticed, my hands and feet were tied sister, what's with the bondage routine here

I just didn't want you running away before I could get to know you better

well that was it I'd been played for a 14 karat gold plated

goof one more time if there was an award for suckers given out

annually I'd have to buy a bigger mantle piece now girls, girls, ordinarily this would be

a real picnic for me but see, I've been seeing this other lady

recently we're sort of going steady you know, so somehow

I don't feel right about this how dare you act like a pack of wild animals

in my presence we didn't hear you come in

we were just preparing him no kidding.

Get out till I call for you

Well I'm sure lucky you showed up when you did

don't be so sure Ilsa

now now honey not in front of the guest you don't have to do that, I took a bath only

yesterday whoa!

We're very honored to have you here, Mr. Chandler cut it out, cut it out

let me rephrase that... ahhh!

Please Mr. Chandler, think of the neighbors they're trying to sleep

very good work Ilsa there, I think that's clean enough

you see, you've stumbled on us at a very bad time Jack

bad for you, that is better?

That's the biggest bra I ever tasted you're an amusing fellow

it's a shame we won't have more time to chat oh yeah?

I got plenty of time, I don't have another appointment till noon tomorrow

I'm afraid you'll have to cancel that, you'll be otherwise engaged at that time

I suppose you are wondering what's going on huh, no, seems typical to me

but I will admit that the sight of that chainsaw on the nightstand has my curiosity piqued

it's a very important part of our religion oh.. sort of a means to an end, so to speak

much more than that it is the cosmic link by which all things

are united oh really?

See I would've thought it was the other way around

doesn't seem like you kids have been doing much uniting of anything around here lately

Just what is it you think we have been doing?

The way I see it, you guys have got this black market body part transplant business

where you take the arms and legs of young studs and you give 'em to rich old fucks who

can't hack it anymore you know, sort of a love "em and cleave 'em"

racket with a little quality control department on

the side the girls?

Yeah yeah these high powered vacuum pumps with tits

an imaginative theory, but you're way off the mark

these women are actually my minions, my disciples oh yeah?

What are you, the high priest kind of character or somethin?

What is this, some ancient chainsaw worshiping cult?

Actually, that"s just what it is oh yeah?

What do you do, pray to Black & Decker?

Our religion has it's roots in the Egypt of my ancestors

come on, they didn't have chainsaws back then but there were the chainsaws of the gods

there are many things that modern man has failed to understand

our cult needs sacrifices, human sacrifices, frequently

the blade of the saw purifies the evil flesh and makes it holy

to please our god and this is that big night for you huh?

That really special sacrifice when you get the chance to live for another hundred years

or so, right?

How do you know this?

I read about it in the Enquirer so what are you gonna do now?

You gonna hack us up right here?

Nothing so archaic Mr. Chandler.

We're gonna take you to our temple downtown Makes for a much nicer ceremony

Well a lot can happen between here and Chop City, big fella

perhaps you're right, better cut him up now No wait!

Buddy!

It was just a joke.

I really wouldn't do that, actually I'd probably enjoy being in the ceremony you know?

Come to think of it, I haven't been to church in weeks

maybe I'd learn something little late for that

we can't trust you to behave yourself you're making a big mistake here now

I bet your god would get off on a heathen soul like mine

don't you worry about that This isn't an official ceremony, he will know

what are we supposed to do? All right!

Let's get to it!

Don't we get to (moaning) first?

Nah, it's almost time for Letterman hey wait a minute...

hey I thought you said you were going to fuck my brains out

oh I was! But this is much faster!

Hey kid!

How about helping me out, huh?

You're the reason I got into this mess all I was trying to do was deliver a message

from your mother I wasn't planning on turning into a deli platter

is this absolutely necessary?

I mean don't they have hors d'oeuvres back at the temple?

Time to say goodnight! Damn!

We're out of gas you idiot!

I told you to stop at Texaco on the way here well, come on there's a mini mart right down

the street ok

Samantha, you stay here and watch this guy ok

hey pick me up a slushie while you're at it, will ya?

Cherry, if they've got it you're not gonna let 'em use that oversize

veg-o-matic on me, are ya?

Untie me and I'll take you home to mom I don't want to go home

it's ok, she kicked out your stepfather, he's not gonna bother you anymore

mom kicked Mike out of the house? You seem upset, I thought that'd be good news

no, I kinda liked Mike I thought he was the reason that you...

Shhh! We can't talk

now listen up, those sickos killed a friend of

mine up in Oxnard she told me all about them before she disappeared

she was hanging out with them and everything was nice and innocent

just some religious freakiness but then they found her head in a garbage

can and I knew what had happened so I followed

this freak and his whores down to L.A. to infiltrate their group so I could get revenge

on these fuckers I didn't want my mom to know what I was doing

I figured she'd try to ground me or something but I didn't know she'd blame it on Mike

I didn't think you had time to talk! We don't, we don't have time to talk but

not if you wanna save your scalp ok kid, you're the boss

what's next? You get the hell out of here

I'm not leaving you now I can't go with you, they're taking me to

the temple tonight to be the prime sacrifice somehow I don't think mom would like that

too much I have no intentions of being chopped up,

I'm gonna burn that temple over those fuckers' heads

you got a lot of guts for a little girl great dancer, too

thanks! The only thing is, you're not thinking clearly

see, cause the minute those chainsaw chicks get back and see that you let me go

they're gonna start hacking into you real good

I can take care of myself listen sister, your mother paid me to come

and get you and bring you back in one piece and I'm not leaving here without you

you talk pretty tough when you're untied don't make me use force, kid

I said I'm staying! It took a while, but I finally found my car

stashed on the side of the motel keys in it and everything

guess I'm lucky it wasn't stolen well I'd found Samantha Kelso

but she'd led me to something even bigger I'd stumbled into the middle of an evil, insidious

cult of chainsaw worshiping maniacs I had to wonder if we'd let our religious

freedom go too far in this country or maybe our immigration laws were just too

lax I've never been much for politics, but I kept

thinking about that pretty girl's warm head on my lap and

then I wondered how many other pretty girls would never be able to put their heads

on my lap because they'd been cut off by that refugee from the BTL club and his slice-happy

sluts I started to get mad

my first instinct was to go straight to the cops

but that was all the way across town, and there was no guarantee they were gonna believe

me So I decided to stop by my office and pick

up some supplies I decided to call Harrison at home even though

he made me promise never to do that I just didn't feel like listening to the homo

squad's answering machine again You've reached the home of homicide detective

Mick Harrison, I'm not here at the moment but you might be able to reach me at the metro

homicide division if you care to leave a message, wait for the

beep unless you're Jack Chandler, in which case

you can hang up Jack I told you a hundred times not to call me

at home!

Yeah Harrison this is Jack Chandler, I know I'm not supposed to call you at home

but this is really, really important I just found out your chainsaw killer is not

working alone there's a whole pack of 'em and they're being

led by some crazed chainsaw worshiping priest I'll fill you in on the details later, alright?

Look, meanwhile get down to the Purdone lane area

they've got some kind of warehouse there they've turned into a sacrificial temple

they're gonna have a big party tonight and we're all invited

Oh and Mick, bring your own beer oh god, what happened?

Where are we? We're in my office

pretty neat place, huh?

Yeah... god the sacrifice will begin soon, we gotta

get to the temple no no, just stay right here.

You're in no condition to go anywhere I feel like I've been hit with a brick

Yeah sorry I had to cold cock you like that that's okay, you did what you had to do

you know maybe you could make up for it... wait wait

wait a minute.. ohhh how old are you kid?

21 Yeah?

You got any proof of I.D.?

I left it at home private dick, huh?

I shoulda known better, there's no such thing in Hollywood

who was that?

Well that was Sally She was my girl, sort of

Sorry it's alright

You mean to tell me your mother had no idea why you left?

I guess not well, I told you I liked Mike, and I didn't

mind the fact that he liked me back except for my mom, I felt kinda bad for her

of course Oh yeah, of course

but it was really a bitch that she got the wrong idea and kicked Mike out

well from where I'm sitting, I think Mike could've used some kicking

yeah I think you're right it was crummy the way he treated her

he should've respected her oh yeah, like you did

what?

C'mon, you're a swell kid, you oughtta be skipping rope in some school yard right now

instead of on this wild goose chase this is dangerous you know

are you afraid?

Afraid?

Ha.

Let me tell you something sister I've been shot, almost, 5 times

I didn't tell you how they found my friend in that trash can, did I?

In fact a couple times I was almost stabbed besides being chainsawed, five times

they had taken skin and torn it along her jaws

taken her eyes and gouged them till they hit her chin

all the skin on her mouth was cut and looked like she was laughing

but she really wasn't shut up, will ya!

Don't you wanna hear the worst part?

No! That kid talked like a frosted flake

but she had the nicest set of knockers that I'd seen in a long time

don't you have any idea what this place looks like?

They never told me.

I don't know, I think it has something to do with importing and exporting

Oh yeah, the old in out routine Jeez, you wish they'd have some kind of a

sign Look, there!

This could be it... wow!

Listen, you sure you want to get involved in this?

You wouldn't believe the things I've done to get this far

C'mon, let's check this place out, quietly gotcha

Gotta be some good way into this place, we just gotta keep looking

I am right behind you Jack?

Yeah?

I'm scared listen kid, this is no time to start thinking

about some 3-foot long chainsaw slicing up your midsection

besides, I got a gun right here and they don't even know we're here

nobody heard that alright, one lousy guy

things aren't working out exactly the way I planned

at least we're together yeah, let's hope we can keep it that way

shut up!

I am so sorry I got you involved in this you know, you're kinda cute

even though you do talk funny thanks

I think yeah you're kinda cute too

especially those beautiful... ah thanks...

girls! How's it hanging?

We'll find out... soon enough have you ever considered therapy?

I'm going to enjoy splattering you Hostile, very hostile

but a great set of... Yeah, I know

Samantha, how you disappointed the Master fuck off, slut

now your true nature is revealed my how you deceived us

you killed a good friend of mine, Jenny Lynn, remember?

Jenny Lynn?

Jenny Lynn! Oh yes, she was a snooty little bitch just

like you and we had fun with her

you're gonna pay for what you did!

Sweet... what's that?

You've been very naughty, Samantha, but our Master's going to give you one more chance

to redeem yourself She's not a book of stamps!

Shut your face, heathen. She will redeem herself, to eternity

oh come on!

I'm sure you've been stuck by worse than that tonight

and I hope you enjoyed your little piece because it will be your last

and now it's your turn to be a piece, or should I say, pieces

well I guess it all depends on the context Hey Sam you alright?

What was in that needle? The blood of our ancestors

what are you doing, where are you taking her?

Don't worry, you'll be together again soon you're going to be our special guest tonight

yeah, and our human sacrifice terrific

so good of you to drop by Mr. Chandler you saved us the unpleasant task of having

to go get you Well I'm glad I could be of some help

you're going to make an excellent offering to our gods

you know Ive been doing a lot of thinking about that lately, I've come to the conclusion

that this building isn't zoned for human sacrifices you guys could get in a whole lot of trouble

for doing this I think it's time somebody cut you down to

size, Jack.

Oh Horace, great god of the heavens, look down upon us, your faithful servants

unworthy in your eyes, let us praise your greatness this night, with our feast of the

dead accept our humble offering, that we might

live on to serve and praise you for years to come

come forward, high priestess of Anubis come forth and serve thy master

go forth, go to the faithful they may taste the blood of Anubis

the blood is the life Tonight, oh Horace, we offer you a new disciple

a fresh, untouched flower to adorn the crown of the gods

we, your humble slaves, offer you the virgin dance of the double chainsaws

Prepare to meet Anubis yeah well I'll just scurry on home and slip

into my tux C'mon, step on it!

I am Chief, I am! Can't you go any faster?

You know Cheif, this is last year's model got bald tires, needs a tune-up

god damn it, it would've been faster with my Volkswagen

next time take your damn Volkswagen You know, when I was a kid I used to have

the same problem with my old man's lawnmower he used to get the same expression on his

face oh shut up!

Hey, what's with Sam?

She looks kinda distant ah, she's one with the gods

yeah well that and a quart of oil will start your buzz saw

in your hands you hold the chainsaw of the gods

use it wisely kill him!

Kill him!

Now Sam, you're not still sore about that headbutt are ya?

C'mon have a heart! Way to go!

Talk about cutting it close! For a minute there I thought you were gonna

turn me into chop suey Well I should have!

Maybe my luck's changed at last this must be the place

I think you're right chief go round them up, I'm gonna go look for Jack

Chandler and you boys behave yourselves

alright, let's catch as many as we can! Damn Chandler, what the hell happened?

Glad you could make it, you're a little late what took you so long?

Letterman was on, he had some pretty damn good guests

how many times have I told ya, buy a VCR!

You can tape those things crime rate in this town would probably go

down 10% then they'd lay me off

how'd you find us?

Boys had their eye on this bunch for a long time now

we thought they were just smuggling illegal artifacts

but after your phone call, pieces all started to fall into place

you always know what to say, Mick aren't you going to introduce me to your lady

friend there?

Yeah, Mick this is Samantha Kelso, girl I showed you the picture of

Glad to meet you miss Kelso, you're even prettier than your photograph

Hey Mick, you mind if I fill out the report tomorrow?

I could use a little sack time sure Jack, you look like you need the rest

Look they're gone!

And that just about wraps it up for this case.

It sounds a lot more complicated than it really was

hard to believe it all took place in a couple of measly nights back in June when somebody

paid me a few bucks to find their missing daughter

I thought I should put all this down on paper because they never did find the guy that called

himself the Master I don't wanna appear paranoid or anything,

I just get a creepy feeling when I think about that guy.

I mean sure, I saw Sam give him an unscheduled appendectomy

but something deep down inside tells me we haven't seen the last of him.

I hope I'm wrong Huh, I usually am.

This time I'd be glad to be wrong, but if I'm not and something happens to Sam or me

I just thought there should be a record of what we went through

maybe it can be of help to someone in the future who might run into another chainsaw

cult I'm sure there are others.

Oh yeah, as for Sam, she's a big girl, her mother was happy when she heard Sam was safe

and I needed a secretary, like a hole in the head

but she's a nice kid so maybe I'll let her stay around a while

besides, she's got a great set of tits.