Original subtitles

Sybil, hi. I'm Lloyd Boyd from the ad agency.

We're really happy that you're doing our commercial.

Hi, Lloyd Boyd.

Why'd your parents do that to you?

Don't get me started on my parents.

Ooh, annoyed Lloyd Boyd.

Before we start filming, a couple of hints.

After 20 years in the business, I know what sells.

You've got to show them the nougat.

Uh, that's not a nougat. That's a cordial.

Lloyd Boyd.

I think I know my rich and gooey chocolates.

See?

Cherry parfait cordial.

It premiered at the 1965 New Jersey State Fair.

Learn your craft.

You just got lucky.

Oh, yeah? Tell me the nougat.

Wrong.

You lose.

Thank you for playing our little game.

If this gets out, I'm going to be all washed up in Chocolate Town.

And I'm not going back to hard candy.

Well, one thing for sure, I'm going to avoid Lloyd Boyd.

Loving one who loves you.

And then taking that bow.

Nice work if you can get it.

which is more frightening, that you booby -trapped chocolates or that I knew

that and disarmed them?

So what are we meditating about?

I have a horrible itch.

It's mostly on my back. I went to the doctor and he gave me a lotion, but the

only thing that really seems to help is meditation.

Now grab my ankles and drag me...

off the floor.

Mary Ann, the itching is getting worse and worse and nothing seems to help.

This worked better when it was hot.

You know, skin irritations are not to be taken lightly.

They can get infected and you can spend months with the prisoner of your own

searing flesh clawing at unreachable lesions until finally you... Beg for the

sweet, merciful release of death. Anyway, I have wonderful news.

I worship you.

I have just been notified that I will be receiving United Hospital's

Humanitarian of the Year Award.

That is wonderful, Mary Ann.

Oh, all that volunteer work you do must be exhausting.

Oh, it is. I added two extra zeros to the check this year.

Scratch me!

Scratch! Right there, right there, please, please.

Darn the luck.

Marianne, I'm going to get some more of this lotion so you can put it where I

can't reach.

So if there's no part of your body you can't reach, that's why Ringling

wants to take you on the road.

Oh, my God.

It's Mom's doctor.

No, no, I think it's better she hear this from family.

Okay, thank you.

All right. All right.

All right. The important thing is not to betray any sense of panic.

My mother is allergic to chocolate.

Well,

I'll just say, Mother, sit down.

Now here's Marianne with some horrible news.

Perfect. And then I'll follow up with, Gee, look at the time. Ciao.

Gee, look at the time. Ciao.

Sybil, sit down.

The doctor called.

I have something to tell you.

Okay, I can take it.

I'm a big girl.

You're allergic to chocolate.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm back. I'm fine.

Shoot me.

Darling. Darling, it'll be all right.

I will help you through this.

Hi, honey.

Mom!

Dad!

In L .A.? Without warning.

Shoot me.

When Roy heard that the bowling tournament final... were going to be

in L .A., he was not thrilled.

I mean, he said, with our luck, they could be held in the middle of Mardi

Mother, Mardi Gras is in New Orleans, not L .A.

Surprise, your father's still an idiot.

But I said to him, it's perfect, we'll get to visit our Teresa.

Mother!

by her real name, Teresa.

Then she says, Marianne. Then you say, Teresa.

Then I start to laugh. Then she gets mad and stands there doing that eyebrow

thing and glaring at me.

Yep, that's the one.

So, you're here to do a bowling tournament.

That's what we do.

Let's see what you come up with when the sex is over.

God, what the hell?

I mean, it'll be a fun couple of days, and if we get to the finals, we'll be

here for a week.

Okay, the Winnebago is parked, plugged in, and if I'm reading the dipstick

right, won't have to pump out the crapper for a week.

So, Roy, that motorhome is something. It is really big and really lime green

and... Really parked in front of my house.

Right between those two big trees.

The birds are going to have to throw their doo -doo to hit it.

I'm telling you, people have no idea what fun it is driving a motorhome. All

things you get to see.

We brought you a little gift.

I mean, that fudge you liked so much when you visited us in Buffalo.

The fudge factory.

Thank you. Oh, and those people were so nice. They never said a word when I took

a bath in that vat.

Teresa.

Yeah, Teresa, back off.

Mother, watch.

Sybil is allergic to chocolate.

Oh, it's a tragedy.

Not unlike when Cousin Edie tried to sand off her 11th toe.

Oh, ow. Allergies are no fun. I mean, if Roy wears elastic, he breaks out into

hives. Oh, no joke. I had to completely give up wearing underwear.

Hey, look.

Who'd have thought it?

Alan Brady is bald.

Oh, go ahead, Sybil.

I know several boutiques that cater to women with bleeding, scaly skin.

So, I'm all right, then.

every piece of chocolate in the whole world.

Please don't, please don't, please don't.

Listen, I hope that the two of you can watch us bowl this weekend.

Especially our grudge match with Reverend Willhauser and his wife.

Yeah, I'll tell you something. I'm going to weigh his ball this year.

And to guard my ass.

Hey, you know, we have to check our schedule. Saturday night, Marianne is

to receive the Nobel Prize in Sweden.

Hi. Sybil, a word?

Sybil, I am not going to have my parents come to a restaurant filled with this

city's social elite wearing shirts that say, bowlers do it in the gutter.

Marianne, your parents love you. They would never do anything to embarrass

Hey, Marge, we did it again. I got your teeth.

This is the tournament schedule.

Now, let's see. Oh, here we are.

Saturday. Us versus the cheating preacher.

Oh, what a shame.

I actually am receiving an award that evening, and I'd love for you to be

but I wouldn't dream of keeping you from beating up on a man of God.

As usual, Marge, you're wrong again.

That's last year's schedule.

Don't you remember we got home, you got drunk, and you never unpacked?

You know he's right.

Now this year we're bowling Friday slash Sunday.

Wonderful.

We'll be able to come to your award with bells on, Mary Jane.

I'm so glad you both...

Dad, what up?

Nice tie.

Hey, nothing's too good for my little girl.

I'm going to put that in a toast I'm going to make.

Toast?

How about that? That's the same toast Sibyl's father made at our wedding.

Don't worry, I can still make it out.

Sibyl, you have got to stop.

He did a toast at my high school graduation.

He finished it off by taking a swig of champagne and gargling the Ave Maria.

My dad could burp the Star -Spangled Banner.

Okay, okay, I'll make sure nothing ruins your evening.

I am counting on you. Okay.

Well, there's half our order. There's the beer.

Where's my pickled egg? In Arkansas, where they belong.

Hey.

We're from Buffalo, pal.

You be careful. I'm going to talk to the manager about your attitude.

Fine, and I'll talk to the tailor about your pants.

Hey!

Boy, Marianne's night. Smile.

Be happy.

Oh, pickled eggs.

I always have a couple in case of emergency.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for United Hospital's

Humanitarian of the Year, Marianne...

as fortunate as I am, it's important never to pass up an opportunity to look

good. Look,

people, we must help those in need.

Waiter, where's my cake?

Could you please keep it down? My friend's trying to give a speech.

So, it's 50 bucks a plate here. I wanted my cake.

Can't you wait till she stops talking? What are you, a chocoholic? No.

I am.

Oh, you've got that disease where you just can't mind your own business.

You used to get beat up in school a lot when you were young, didn't you?

Ooh, is that frosting between those layers, or is it cocoa -flavored spin?

What kind of monster are you?

The chocolate -eating kind.

Is that good, huh? Mm -hmm.

Then suck it up, baby, and have a big bite!

In line instead, you humiliate me.

Just as I'm about to thank the little people.

Now I'm going to have to hire someone to write them personal notes.

Marianne, I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I was out of

It's time I leave my problem for rest.

We are gathered here tonight.

To mourn the passing of my beloved chocolate.

Goodbye, Almond Joy.

Goodbye, Mounds.

Goodbye,

Baby Ruth.

Goodbye, Butterfinger.

They look like they're sleeping.

It is this astounding what passes for normal in my life.

Ira, would you like to say a few words at me with your smoking and everything?

Jim.

I know you can kick this thing. Look at me. I gave up smoking.

Even though I think about lighting up every waking hour.

I swear, I would sell my soul for just one puff.

But that's me. You'll be fine.

Hey, Sid, where's your nearest faucet? I got a hose down in the motorhome.

Got a crow out there with a hell of a throwing arm.

Who died?

Only the love of my life.

Why, why, why?

I'm telling you, one signature from each of us, she's in a home.

Sybil thought that the mourning process might help her to give up chocolate.

Oh, hey, I've been there.

When my first bark -a -longer.

When it conked out, I had to take it out back and shoot it.

I'm sorry. Could I just have a few moments alone?

Hey, no running at funerals!

I'm proud of you, pal.

Thanks, Marianne, for being here. I'm so sorry I embarrassed you tonight.

Oh, it's all right.

I'm sure my mother was just moments from... I don't clean your teeth in

Wait till we get home, that's what the dishwasher's for.

Honestly.

How did I come from those people?

Well, I'll tell you, Mary Jo.

The Rockefellers left you on our doorstep.

Mother, I... Well,

it's just you and me, pal.

Now it's just me.

There they are, lane four.

Ooh, your dad just got a strike.

Hey, I didn't know he could moonwalk.

Sybil, you can't make me do this.

All my painful childhood memories come rushing back.

The sound of falling pins.

The aroma of stale beer. The stench of nachos and processed cheese fermenting

under a light bulb.

Oh, yeah.

Don't you just want to roll in it?

Grant, come on.

You can't let your parents leave with this hanging over your head. A hundred

bucks says I can. Come on, you can pay me later.

Listen, I know it's difficult to face these painful emotions, but you have to

strong.

Blah, blah, blah. Tell me how it goes.

Sybil, chocolate is dead to you. Remember, you buried it in your

No, chocolate's come back. It doesn't want to be dead. It's alive.

How can you hustle at the sight of a Hershey kiss?

You're right.

Gotta get this chocolate monkey off my back.

Ooh, chocolate monkey, that sounds good.

Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, look.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

They're better than chocolate.

They're full of byproducts.

Right, forget chocolate.

There's a whole world of junk food just waiting out there to clog my arteries.

One giant casing full of horse... This lift's for my friend here.

Oh, Marianne, you were there for me. Now it's my turn to be there for you.

Go talk to your parents.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger, right?

Right. Damn.

enough to board a bus where are you going for dinner barstow

barstow what's in barstow nobody i know

Marianne does have taste.

You called me Marianne!

Oh, no.

We thought that we'd go to one of those fancy places where you go to eat.

Oh, that means so much to me, but no.

So you don't want to come with us? Oh, no, thanks. That's okay. Y 'all go

You know, you need time together.

Oh, you should come. We're going to have such fun.

Like, remember the time we took your brother to Atlantic City to see Cher?

And he gambled away his face maker.

This was not a good idea.

I need to stay here with you and make sure you don't eat chocolate.

Just say the word and I'll stay here with you.

Please say the word.

chocolate. I don't believe you. It's true.

Sybil, I'm about to go out in public looking like a Shoney's waitress.

I need to stay here with you in case you need to be scratched.

Okay, you're right. Just grab that rake outside and we'll spend the whole night

scratching. Thank you.