Original subtitles

Sybil, before I help you with your lines, I have two questions.

First, how can all this dialogue be yours when it belongs to different

characters? And second, whatever happened to that blonde cop on Chips?

I'm just curious.

All those characters are me.

I'm playing a psychopath with 16 personalities.

And one of them is Irish, so I have to learn that whole Lord of the Dance

Exhausting. That's good.

Oh, my character expresses her different moods through dolls.

Like Fizzy here.

Let's have a tea party.

Shut up, you little slut!

I think I went to high school with her.

Oh, Marianne, this is so much fun.

These cheesy, over -the -top parts always win awards.

If I throw in a limp, I could win an Emmy.

Darling, I'm so happy for you. You have a great part, a promising blind date,

and you might win an Emmy.

Hold it.

All right.

I know you hate blind dates.

But this guy... No!

What do you mean I might win an Emmy?

So you'll go on the date?

He's a really close friend of Richard's. We could double.

I don't need to be fixed up. My personal life is fine. On this movie alone, I've

made lots of new friends.

Right, Harvey?

We're going to have so much fun. Maybe catch a movie?

Or get some dinner and go back to my place and curl up by the fire.

You haven't picked me up at seven.

Loving one who loves you and then taking that vow.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

What's one blind date? It's only a few hours out of my life.

No. it was 14 years out of my life.

Huh. See, I would have said, hi, Ira, why don't you come in out of the rain?

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be picking up your mother at the airport.

No, we're supposed to be picking my mother up at the airport.

You're the one she's related to.

Yeah, but you're the one she likes.

Your mother loves you.

That time she took me to Hawaii, she never stopped talking about you.

But, Sybil... No, Ira.

Ruth is not going to stay... here. This time she wants to stay at your house.

All right, if she wants to stay at my house, she should stay at my house.

Good for you. I'll just stay here.

Uh, hello.

Tried that. Didn't work.

Hey, Zoe.

No, Dad, I can't come with you to pick up Nani.

I've got two piano gigs to play tonight, and I really need the money.

Zoe, you don't pay rent, and I buy all the food. What exactly do you need the

money for?

Gee, you're right, Mom. Why don't I just live here forever?

Back off, Ira. She has to work.

You worked all last weekend.

Yeah, seven hours, no break, playing piano for some jerk's anniversary party,

and then his check bounce, as if it weren't humiliating enough playing Jimmy

Buffett's greatest hits dressed like a giant margarita.

You should have seen her, Ira. She had a little hat on with salt around the rim

and lime earrings.

She looked so cute, but she refused to let me take a picture of her.

Hey, can I have this? Maybe it'll distract Ma and we'll be home before she

starts telling me how to get there.

If it makes you feel any better.

Marianne has set me up with a blind date tonight, so I'm going to be miserable,

too.

Thanks. That does help.

I dread this.

I'll just let myself out the back. I don't want to know you've had better.

Okay, we're off to a good start.

Does my hand smell like cheese to you?

I don't know. Trust

your instincts.

What do you say we just split an order of the fried cheese sticks, huh, baby?

Want cheese? I mean, what with your hands and all.

So, what are you drinking, Bruce?

Oh, I think I'm just going to have a sip of whatever Sybil's having.

I'll be having six glasses of wine.

And how about you, Marianne? Would you like a cocktail?

It had crossed my mind.

Good, I'll order you one.

Richard, I think it's best to be responsible for my own needs.

Anything else might intensify my issues of codependency.

You're right. I'm caretaking again.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious these two have blown a wad in all that therapy

crap.

Promise me we'll never do that.

I promise that's just one of the many things we'll never do.

Hey, Garkin!

What did you just say? Garkin. That's French. It means waiter.

I think you mean garçon.

No, no. See, a lot of people make that mistake.

That's one of those crescent rolls, huh?

Good idea.

Irritate the person who will be alone with your food.

What can I get you humans at the table to start with this evening?

I'm sure my date would like to know if there are any free snacks left over from

happy hour.

Great thinking. If we mix the cheese sticks, I'll spring for some pie.

Peach.

Marianne, I've been meaning to ask you.

What were you thinking?

Give the man a chance. I mean, he's wearing an Armani tie.

I know that's where the cheese smells coming from.

You know, food.

Oh, give me that face. I want that face.

The woman who gave birth to me and who loves Sybil?

I'm sorry we haven't met. I'm Ira.

Well, I'm not sorry we haven't met. For all I know, you were sent here to kill

me.

Nice work, Marianne. He's dreamy.

Come on, Bubby. Our table's ready.

I smell cheese.

So what's it like to date someone rolling in dough?

I beg your pardon? Well, I think it's pretty obvious she's the one with all

moolah around here. I mean, doesn't that make you feel kind of like a loser? You

know, like you're the girl.

Oh, you mean like you're the pig?

Look,

look.

I make a very nice living, and besides, our relationship is not based on income.

It certainly is not.

It's based on mutual respect, genuine affection. I couldn't agree more,

There's one thing we're sure of. It's that money can't buy happiness.

It's like I don't even know you anymore.

Whoops. I think it's time to put some more money in that parking meter.

Is it your turn or mine?

I pumped the gas, remember?

Fair is fair.

Cobbler.

Don't look at me. He's Richard's friend.

Actually, Marianne, he's really Jake's friend, who I met through you, so

technically you're closer to this guy than I am. Who's Jake?

Jake? You know, the short accountant with the capped teeth. I thought that

Harry. Harry? No, Harry's the... Who gives a rat's ass about Jake or Harry?

very much

gonna need some more bread did you see

that he saved your life now there's no way i can ditch him well it's not a

disaster i mean at least he's nice to look at

It's like that book Sybil gave me about karma. I might have saved you in a

previous life.

And that's why the universe put you in the restaurant tonight, to save me.

Wow, that really gives me goosebumps.

I mean, especially because I only learned the Heimlich so that I could cop

feel.

What a sense of humor. Don't you just want to take him home with you?

Well, thanks to you, we did.

No, Bruce, I would have saved her. You just saw her before I did. And it's got

nothing to do with karma.

Ah, don't worry, Bubby.

You've done nice things for me.

Remember that juicer you sent me for my birthday?

That was Sybil.

Oh.

Well, there you have it.

Who wants pie?

Ah, come on, admit it, Marianne.

You're embarrassed by my car.

I don't care if you're poor.

I'm not poor.

I just like driving a stick. It's a choice.

Sybil, this man saved my life, and you're not even giving him the good pie.

Come on, Bruce.

I know where she keeps her private stash.

Well, does she always give her dates the bad pie?

No wonder she's single.

We've got to make him want to leave.

Quick, Ira, go in there and talk about golf.

So will you deserve an apology for this whole blind date thing?

Richard, apologize.

Marianne is sorry.

So you're from Florida, huh?

Uh -huh.

Well, I'm going to go back there one day. I mean, as soon as the Statue of

Limitations runs out.

You!

What the hell are you doing in my house, you bastard?

What she said.

You are the scuzziest, cheapest, most morally bankrupt man I've ever met.

He's dating Zoe, too?

This is the loser who bounced the check. I played piano at his anniversary

party.

Anniversary?

You're married?

Well, yeah, but it's not serious.

That's it. You're out of here!

But I saved her life.

We're karmically linked together.

Linked schmink. You're a putz.

She said beat it!

What the hell was that?

Looks like a tree's just fallen across your driveway.

Guess I'm stuck here for the night.

And me without my PJs.

Monterey Jacks.

Marianne.

Please, God, you promised me no more talking wallpaper.

Sibyl, the drink.

The drink.

Look at these clothes. So this is where the 70s came to die.

Will you shut down?

I'm hiding from Bruce in here.

If I throw him out in the storm and he drowns on my property, could I go to

jail? Because if there's a possibility of parole, that's my plan A.

Marianne?

That's Richard.

Don't let him in. I'm furious with him.

Marianne?

You may not want to come in here.

I'm counting my money.

Oh, go ahead.

I'll just go through some of the coats for loose change.

Get in here.

And you can forget about the change. I went through everything, and all I found

were some mints.

And they're mine. Mine, I tell you.

Someone's coming.

I better just stay away from that guy. I'm scared of what I might do.

Hey, if I threw him out in this storm and he drowned and I said, Mom did it,

could she go to jail?

I can't stand the way that guy looks at me. He's got that smug, ha -ha, I saved

your mother's life look.

I've always hated that look.

Let's just hide.

You go ahead. I'll wait for the next closet.

Is Bruce still here?

Hey!

Where is everybody?

Bruce, he's lonely!

I wish I'd brought my bag. I got tranquilizer darts.

Oh, well, we'll just have to wait until he walks into your bedroom, hits the

trip wire, and sets off the grenade.

Marianne, that's at your house.

Oh, I tried to get you to install one here, but no.

You're being paranoid, Marianne. What would I use it for, Marianne? Well,

sorry now?

Oh, my God, where's Nonny?

She's out there with him.

No, I'm not.

Right here.

You've been back here this whole time and you haven't said anything?

I was waiting to see if anybody was going to trash me behind my back.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

You're right. Five people in a closet, that makes sense. But six is just silly.

I'm going out there and putting it into this. This is my house. I will not be

made a fool of.

If it doesn't go well, we'll meet in the crawl space under the garage.

Now remember, I want him alive.

Unless you kill him, that's good too.

Hey, Sybil, I've been reading your visa bills. I mean, you sure go to the

dermatologist a lot. Is there something I should know about?

No, but there's plenty you should forget.

What, my name and address in the past four hours?

I'm trying to imagine you saying that in a teddy.

Get out!

Damn, I screwed it up again.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I put on the...

stupid, obnoxious facade because I'm afraid that people won't like the real

Makes sense.

Why be afraid people won't like you when you can be sure?

Well, I've been dealing with this darn self -hatred for so long, and when I met

you, I liked you so much that I didn't want to lose you.

Like I lost my mother!

He lost his mother.

See? Be careful what you wish for.

Ma, I never wished that.

I don't even know his mother.

She was killed in a freak accident.

That's why when I saw my chance to save you, I felt like in some small way that

I was saving Mommy.

You're so lucky to have her, man.

Ma, he's right.

I am lucky.

From now on, you're always staying at my house.

Oh, Bobby, that means so much to me.

Look at the nice thing you've done.

What, are you drunk?

He's full of crap, not to mention my good pie.

She's got a right to be mad at me.

I mean, you two, you were doing fine until I screwed things up.

I mean, I'm just jealous because I never found my soulmate.

I mean, face it, you're meant for each other.

I mean, you're such a giver, and she's such a taker.

This strange, tormented man speaks the truth.

What is all this love and forgiveness crap?

Whatever happened to the bitterness and sarcasm that's the backbone of this

family?

Yeah, I'm with Mom.

This loser wrote me a bad check after making me play cheeseburger in paradise

times. People go to hell for less.

But it was my wife that wrote that check.

I mean, she's got a lot of problems with money. I mean, may God forgive her.

She's a degenerate gambler.

Here.

This ought to more than make up for it.

Wow.

Thanks.

I hope your wife gets the help she needs.

That's it, guys.

him into that storm.

He saved my mom.

He paid in cash.

He made us whole.

Okay.

Obviously, y 'all want to spend the evening with the Prince of Dorkness.

I, however, do not.

I can explain.

And I needed some kind of a trophy for my buddies at work.

You want a trophy for your buddies?

Then they can melt your...

Sybil, you can do this. It's just one night. How bad can it be?

Hi,

I'm Bruce.

Hi, I'm... Not going.

I'm sure you're a nice man, but you just end up with a hatchet in your chest.

And neither of us wants that, do we?

Damn.

Why does Marianne always set me up with these freaks?

You're the one with the cheese problem, pal.