Original subtitles

This is little Snowball, and she's way more than just a pet to me. She's

That's why for her health care, I trust the dedicated professionals at Thorpe

Veterinary Clinic.

Hi, I'm Dr. Richard Thorpe. I have over 20 years of veterinary experience.

So, you know, your pet is in good hands.

Right, Snowball?

No buts about it.

All right, everybody, let's just take five.

Sybil, why does he keep cutting? It's because of me, isn't it? No, Richard,

you're fine, really. You're just fine.

Well, then it must be you.

Okay. Maybe fine is too strong a word.

Richard.

Darling, you were brilliant.

Oh, Marianne.

I stunk.

Yes, but brilliantly.

Poor Richard.

We've done 40 takes without a lunch break.

The snuffages are starting to look pretty damn good. Thank you for helping

Richard out. It means so much to me. You're welcome.

Look at the little kitty with her itty -bitty whiskers and her itty -bitty

Hair cloth, Ms. Rahayick.

It's so ironic that you're dating a vet because in your world, animals are right

up there with quilted ponchos and champagne.

Promise me that you will never tell Richard. Animals are his life. And if

going to give this relationship an honest try, I have to trick him into

I like them.

Come on, you love animals.

You wear them all the time.

Loving one who loves you.

And then taking that bow.

Nice work if you can get it.

And if you get it, won't you tell me how?

Honey, you're home.

Honey, you're trespassing.

Jeff, what the hell are you doing here?

Sybil, as your ex -husband and the father of your firstborn, all I'm asking

is a little loyalty, faith, and trust in me.

I'm calling the cops.

I promised you were going to tell her we're divorced.

Sybil, honey, give me some sugar.

Cheryl Robbins, what a big surprise.

Come here.

Yes, ma 'am.

Listen,

it's too long since we saw each other. But I was at your wedding, and there is

no way I was going to miss your 25th wedding anniversary.

You know, tomorrow.

I bet you thought I'd forget, didn't you, honey?

No, pumpkin.

You never forgot our anniversary before.

You just celebrated it with lap dancers.

Well, listen, I gotta finish my unpacking.

25 years?

Nobody else in our family ever lasted that long.

Sybil, she doesn't have much longer.

Jeff, you've been saying that for 23 years.

Now, look, I am very fond of your grandma. I'm not going to lie to her.

All right, tell her.

Did she seem a little pale to you?

Forget it.

Sybil, honey, this is for you.

25 panels, one for every year of your marriage.

Grandma Robbins!

Oh, it's so beautiful.

It must have taken you months.

Six years.

difficult with my arthritis and all, but with a marriage as special as yours, I

just felt like you needed a tribute.

You hear that, Sib?

Arthritis. Ouch.

Listen, some days working on this quilt was all that kept me going.

Well, you just keep on going, Grandma Robin, because we're going to stay

forever.

You are so dead.

Richard is taking me off to wine country for the weekend, and I have absolutely

no idea what to wear.

I mean, if it was vodka country.

I always find it best when going away for a weekend with a man to start with

diaphragm and build from there.

And who taught you that?

Is that Jeff?

What is he doing there?

We're planning our 25th wedding anniversary.

Wow.

This is the longest blackout I've ever had.

Marianne, relax. I have a very good explanation.

Well, an explanation.

Well, gotta go.

You know, you could have cooked instead of ordering out. It's like you don't

even care about our phony marriage anymore.

It's not like that. It's exactly that.

Hi, everybody.

How's the guest room, Grandma Robbins? Are you comfortable?

it's very nice. And I love the fountain you put in the bathroom.

Fountain?

Jeff, what are you doing here?

Ira, Zoe, look who's here. It's Grandma Robbins. Come all the way from

Pennsylvania to help Sybil and me celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.

Oh.

Excuse me?

Yeah, hard to believe, huh?

All those years Sybil and me together.

What does that make me?

Her agent.

Oh, so I don't even exist.

Excellent. Of course you exist.

She has very low self -esteem. She's very troubled.

Sybil and I had to take her in off the street. She's very troubled.

Troubled how?

I'm an anarchist.

Did she say antichrist?

Yes.

I want the keys to your car, Princess of Light.

Okay, uh, red -headed girl?

Zoe's the Antichrist.

Well, that explains a lot.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my head -spinning class.

I'm not sharing a bathroom with her, am I?

No, Grandma.

But speaking of bathrooms, we do have a plumbing problem. Honey!

I can't believe you'd use me like this.

Quick, who are you? I'm your agent, Ira.

Hello, Agent Ira.

I just came by to see how your new job was going.

Oh, you have a new acting job?

Tell me about it. Yes, tell us about it.

Agent Ira.

Sybil plays the ex -wife of a two -timing lech who has to pretend she's

married to him, much to the delight of her second ex -husband who can't wait to

see how it all turns out.

Also, it's a comedy.

Yeah, except it's so not funny.

That must be the food.

So, how long are you staying?

after the anniversary dinner. Oh, that's too bad, because Sybil loves company.

Oh, well, I could stay a month or two.

Picking in tonight, are we?

Okay, so you're a snotty waiter wherever you are.

Hey, I ordered extra Parmesan.

You brought red pepper.

Oh, I see.

You expected one thing, and you got something else.

So now you're going to look at me differently for the rest of my life.

Well, I am the same waiter I have always been, damn it.

We're not talking about cheese here, are we?

I'm sorry.

I'm a wreck.

My parents are flying in from Wisconsin tomorrow, and I've decided I'm going to

tell them I'm gay. They don't know?

I mean, they don't know?

No. I put it off for years, and then I moved away from home, and then I spent

the 80s touring up with people.

Before I knew it, I was 34 and living a lie.

I think it's great you're going to tell your parents. The only way to go through

life is to be completely honest.

Hey, dinner time.

Get that husband of yours out here. I'm starving.

Completely is the goal.

Happy anniversary, kid.

Now give her a kiss, Jeffy.

Kiss her.

Cheek.

Here you go.

For you, chicken marsala.

For you, filet mignon.

All right.

And for you, chicken marsala and filet mignon.

Thank you.

If that's the entertainment, the place sucks.

Oh, excuse me.

What's the matter with you? You see that couple over there?

Are those your parents? No. But see how he cuts his steak before he eats it?

Watch and learn.

Those are my parents.

Oh, they look nice.

Hey, I cut my steak.

I've decided tonight's the night to tell them.

Good for you.

If you need any support, let me know. Thank you.

Mom? Dad?

This is Sybil Sheridan, star of... of... This is Sybil Sheridan.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs.

Waiter's parents.

How's your trip been so far?

Oh, it's been wonderful.

And the food here is ABC delicious.

Slugger took us to the Getty Museum today.

Educational? I'll say.

Every time we come here, we seem to learn something new.

I think they're ready.

Mom, Dad, it's time you knew.

Dibble Sheridan is my girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

Oh, my Lord and Taylor.

And she is a beautiful girlfriend to boot.

Look at these hands, Papa.

These are milking hands.

Make this stop.

That's simple.

You're the person who means more to me than anyone else in the whole world. The

person who will never have to pay for another meal in this restaurant.

just for tonight.

No, I can't be your fake girlfriend.

I'm too busy being his fake wife.

Hey, what's my fake husband doing talking to that woman?

He's fake cheating on me.

That fake bastard.

Do you want your grandmother to see you cheating on your wife? That would be me.

Thank you.

Jeffy, why did your gardener slap you just now?

Gardener?

Jeff Gardener's upset with him because he just won't stop plowing.

Okay, that was 23 years ago. Get over it.

We had a really bad farming argument once.

Hi, everybody.

We just stopped by to wish you a happy anniversary.

In hell!

What the hell are you doing here anyway?

We like to watch.

We are so happy about you and our son.

You're the first gal he ever introduced us to.

Who is that?

My boyfriend's mother.

Who's your boyfriend?

The waiter.

Hey, I've been busy.

I've got to get track of all this.

Lost your date to a pregnant cow.

Did you sneak off to vodka country?

Notable, this stupid winery has a barn, and the local vet is out of town, and

they recognize Richard from that stupid commercial.

Listen, I'm trying to keep my gay boyfriend from finding out I'm married

horndog who keeps picking up women at the bar. Goodbye.

What's that?

You need me to rush back to L .A.? Oh, damn, and I do so hate to miss the

marriage. A miracle of birth.

Darling, what happened?

Oh, she stepped on my hand.

I think it's broken.

There's no way I'm going to deliver this calf now.

Hallelujah!

I mean, you know, she didn't kick you in the head. Cows are always doing that on

television.

We're just about to get you to a hospital.

Well, no, we can't leave.

Someone's got to help Flossie deliver this calf.

But who?

We should introduce ourselves.

No, I can't. I'm a Mrs. Beef. I'm having white wine. It's just not right.

Marianne, sweetheart, you can do this. Just think of the new life that you're

bringing into the world.

Could you just move back a little?

Keep an eye on that agent.

He's a little too friendly with your siblings.

Believe me, you don't have to worry about them.

Oh?

What makes you so sure, Mr. Smarty Pants?

He's gay.

I had a feeling.

Okay, I think this should do it.

Loving husband, confused boyfriend, wife, girlfriend, agent, antichrist.

I love it when we get together as a family.

Everything's taken care of. Now let's relax and have a nice, quiet dinner.

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary!

Oh,

I was afraid you'd be embarrassed by a cake, but Jeffy said you would love it.

You cut it, honey. I wouldn't trust myself with a knife.

Excuse us.

You can't have an anniversary. What are my parents going to think? Hey, you knew

I was married when you asked me to be your girlfriend.

I don't care.

You can be his wife at home, but at this restaurant, you belong to me.

Are you going to let that little rooster peck around your wife?

What wife?

Oh, my wife.

I'm 25 years.

Hell no.

What do you think you're doing, talking to my wife like that?

Hey, pal, you don't want to mess with me right now.

Come on, I dare you. Come on!

This has gone on long enough. I'm sick of these lies.

I didn't even get a chance to eat.

Well, he'll think twice before he tries that again.

Excuse me, Grandma, that's my mechanic.

Okay, here's the truth.

That was my ex -husband, Jeff.

Did you hear that, Papa? She's divorced.

Well, I drive a used car.

Look, folks.

Your son loves you very much. And he has something important to tell you. So try

to open your hearts and listen.

Okay, fine.

Mom, Dad, I'm...

So, you see, it was just a small mix -up in the lab.

It wasn't a tumor the size of a pear. It was a pear.

Oh, that is wonderful news.

Thank you, Dr.

Woodbine.

He is not a specialist.

He knows nothing about my disorder. Nobody knows anything about my disorder.

It's a very rare disorder. That's why I'm dying.

Medication. Clouds are mine.

I think this calls for a celebration.

Who wants Sanka?

When we thought you were dying, we were going to skip the Sanka, but now?

What the hay?

I can't. I've got to get back to my ex -husband, Jeff. Heck, call them over.

They can help us celebrate.

They can't come over here.

Oh, please. How much worse can things get?

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary!

A second cake? I couldn't resist.

Okay, that's it!

Listen up here, people.

Here's what's happening.

I'm not married to him.

And I'm not marrying him.

He's not my agent or my doctor. And she's not the Antichrist. She's just me

her mother.

And I'm gay.

Oh, don't look so shocked.

This is Hollywood.

I'm a waiter.

Add it up.

Well, what do you think about that, Papa?

I don't know what to think.

I never should have told them the truth.

I should have done what my brother did. Get married, have kids, and go on

business trips to San Francisco.

Telling them was the right idea. Just give them a chance to let it sink in.

Mother, this could be our ticket into that alternative lifestyle support group

at the church.

Oh, Papa.

Maybe now Rosalind Bartlett will stop acting so high and mighty about her damn

lesbian twins.

You know what, Slugger?

We're glad you're gay.

Really? Oh, sure.

It makes you interested.

Maybe now you can teach your father how to dress.

Hey, everybody.

Cinca's on the house.

I feel so much better now that everybody knows the truth.

I have a terrific RDN.

I think you should fix that cute waiter up with your agent.

Agent?

Oh, I forgot to tell you, Sib. I kind of traded Ira to the other team.

It wasn't important.

Honey bun?

Yeah. Nookum?

Barnabas, next year you're flying my ass to Paris.

Oh.

And I'm bringing a date.

Richard, darling, we can't go until I find my phone.