Original subtitles

do this again. I don't wanna.

Well, Rachel, honey, you are the most special, most wonderful person in the

world. Now, I could never, never do what you're doing for us.

I'm not doing it. You can't make me.

Uh, a little help here, please?

Uh, Rachel, just think, honey. This time tomorrow, you'll be able to fit in your

car again.

Okay.

I almost said that.

Why, you think I'm fat?

I'm gonna go get it checked in.

Labor line, can I help you?

Wait, it's your father.

Okay, Jeff, where are you right now?

No, that's pediatrics.

Okay, I realize you see children, but see, they start out much smaller.

All right, just ask one of the grown -ups to help you.

Get that thing out of me!

Okay, I'm out of here.

Rachel, trust me.

I've given birth twice. The second time's much easier.

Really? Oh, yeah.

It's no worse than a big sneeze.

Aw, Mom.

It's your best lie yet.

Thanks, honey. There's plenty more where that came from.

Okay. We're all checked in. I want drugs!

Give me drugs!

Kevin, you go make sure that woman doesn't use up all the drugs!

Okay, come on, honey. Let's just try our visualization, okay? We're moving to

Boston.

Finding a new house.

Sitting on the front porch, watching our kids jump into a pile of leaves. We're

helping them build their first snowman. Oh, won't it be so great when we move to

Boston? Huh?

Rachel! Oh, Dad, you're going to make me have a baby!

Oh, don't worry, honey. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Ah!

That was stupid, wasn't it? I'm sorry, Sib. I'm just a wreck.

Pull yourself together, Jeff. You've got to stay strong for Rachel.

They'll give her comfort and support and, most importantly, don't speak.

Mom, they're taking Rachel into her room.

Where's Marianne?

She was supposed to bring food. I have a daughter in labor. I need snacks.

Sorry I'm late.

Marianne!

What happened? Are you all right?

Sibyl, don't cough.

With a couple of...

Sprint, a little rest, and some major surgery to remove an appendix that's

to blow a hole through the side of my body. I'll be as good as new.

Well, did you at least remember the sandwiches?

Loving one who loves you.

And then taking that bow.

Nice work if you can...

with indigestion.

And then this morning at Neiman's, my dead grandmother started to beckon me

toward the light.

Don't you worry.

I'm going to be with you every step of the way.

In fact, scoot over. Don't make me laugh.

It hurts.

Mother.

Mother.

Don't worry, okay? You'll be fine. This is a very simple procedure.

In the rainforest, I saw it done with sharpened monkey bones.

more than anything in the world, but security! This man has a bomb!

Justin, listen carefully.

Run home.

We're going to need your mother's Dior bathrobe, her Ferragamo slippers, and

Clinique revitalizing cream.

Stat! Oh, got it.

You are the best friend in the whole... I'm sorry. We need to start prepping her

now.

Great, great. She's doing great.

Oh, Kevin.

I'm so sorry.

For what, honey?

For this.

Perfect.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Mommy, lie to me some more.

Okay, sweetheart.

Your first child is a boy.

Girls come out much easier.

They're more slippery.

My hand. My hand.

paper monstrosity off of me.

I'm not letting them spread me across a metal table wearing nothing but a

quicker picker -upper.

Come on, we can make this work for you.

See, we could cinch in the waist with a little dental floss.

Get a little cleavage going.

And you're ready for...

Here, Sybil. I got the stuff.

Perfect timing.

Don't say anything. Just hold me.

Mom, I brought you this bark you can chew, okay?

It's much better for you than the synthetic painkillers, and it won't

out. She'll be able to watch the entire operation.

This person did not spring from my loins.

This is it.

Rachel's about to have her baby. Go. Go.

Welcome my godchild into the world.

And give her this.

It's a little Tiffany training tiara.

Marianne, this is absolutely fabulous.

If the baby's stuck in the birth canal, I'll just wave it in front of her and

she'll pop right out.

You know, Zoe, I remember the night you were born.

Dad, if you're going to tell me this story again, I'll just run a few errands

and be back in time for the really dull ending.

Anyway, your mother went into labor in the middle of a Doobie Brothers concert.

We rushed to the hospital, stopping only briefly to get her a couple microwave

burritos and a Mountain Dew.

That was very good, Zoe. Except it wasn't the Doobie Brothers. It was Mac

I know, and you never thanked me for getting you out of there.

Thank you.

Any news?

Not yet.

You gonna introduce us to your date?

Hey, I wanted to get the baby something she couldn't choke on.

May I have your attention, please?

Presenting Amanda Nicole, or if Kevin has anything to do with it, Elizabeth

Marie Manning.

Oh, she is so beautiful.

Yes, she is.

She looks just like Rachel.

Come on, smile for Daddy, Elizabeth. Come on. Oh, you are so pretty. Yes, you

are. Her name is Amanda.

Oh, your mommy has the ears of a bat. Yes, she does.

How's Rachel?

Back to normal.

How's Marianne doing?

Oh, Justin said she came through the operation fine, but she's a little

Apparently she thinks she's skinny dipping with Hector Elizondo.

Ah, good.

She's seeing Hector again.

They had a huge fight during her gum surgery.

We're going to the cafeteria.

Want me to get you something to eat?

Duh.

I still can't believe you didn't talk him out of moving to Boston.

I mean, Rachel listens to you for crying out loud. You should have been working

on it.

Oh, you mean like banging on her door and crying, please don't go, Rachel.

Don't do what's best for you.

Live your life to make me happy.

Well, let me tell you something, Jeff.

It didn't work.

Remember the day Rachel was born?

Oh, yeah. And you brought your guitar to the hospital and sang Beautiful Dreamer

to her? Ah.

God, we used to sing so good together.

Why did I ever cheat on you?

Because you're a horn doll.

You know, the last time you called me that, you threw a can of SpaghettiOs in

head. I took three stitches.

Yeah.

Back then, SpaghettiOs was all we could afford to throw.

That wasn't all bad.

Yeah, it was.

But it's been better since then.

Yeah, maybe.

Just think, Sid.

Got a brand new granddaughter.

I can't wait to hold her.

Oh, me too.

And I know when I do, I'm not going to want to let her go.

It's been tough, Jeff.

I hate that they're moving away.

But I can't lay that on Rachel, so I have to be happy perky mom all day.

It's exhausting.

Well, if you ever need to talk to someone who knows exactly how you

mean, this is one time we could actually be there for each other.

That's the sweetest thing you ever said to me.

Jeff? Hmm?

Is that your hand on my ass?

Maybe.

I can't believe this.

You say you know what I'm going through, so I take a chance and trust you enough

to be vulnerable, and you cop a field.

Debbie, you got it all wrong.

I don't think so. I think if I was choking on a chicken bone right now,

trying to fish it out with your tongue.

Thank you so much, Sister Mary

Agnes. For traveling all this way just to come to my party.

You're welcome, my child.

How's she doing?

Oh, she's still a little loopy. She thinks she's hosting a banquet and she's

upset because James Brolin showed up without Streisand.

Hey, pal.

How's it going with Hector Elizondo?

It was tragic.

He got caught in a shrimp net.

But Peter Jennings has been so understanding.

Hello, Peter.

Maybe he's Canadian, you know.

Listen, you rest, sweetheart.

I'm going to take Justin to see the baby, but I was here.

Oh, good.

Go. Ask Tipper Gore to dance. Go.

Have fun.

Marianne. Want to watch the Lakers game?

Ira, I've got to talk to you.

In private.

I'm sorry, but I promised to let Dorothy Hamill give the toast.

Now I'll see it.

I think we can speak freely.

I'm in trouble with Sybil.

What'd you do this time?

Well, we were having a really nice moment. I mean, really connecting for

first time in years.

And I grabbed her ass.

Oh, Jeff.

It was out of complete admiration and respect.

Jeff, does this come from being a stuntman?

When they hit you in the head, are they using real bottles?

I can't help it, Ira.

When a woman gets all sad and vulnerable and starts hugging me, some reflex

kicks in and says, go for it, dude.

Your reflexes call you dude?

Sybil's the only woman I've ever cheated on who still talks to me.

I don't want to lose that.

How do I fix things with her, Ira? You've got to help me.

Jeff, what you have to do is learn a little sensitivity.

Chicks dig it.

Okay.

All right, that's it.

Somebody take Yeltsin's car keys.

Mommy, so you go first.

All right.

Sweetie, this is a little ritual your grandmother made up to welcome you into

the world of women.

And I'm doing it because, well, she's my mother, and sometimes there are things

you do for your mother.

Talking to her, not you.

And little Amanda, honey, I will teach you to be brave and strong and

independent, and I will give you...

Gift of laughter and unconditional love and really good teeth.

Not that.

A little sweetheart.

I promise to do my best to teach you to value your own opinions and

celebrate your uniqueness.

And even though you're moving to Boston, I promise to stay close.

Because you'll always be a very big part of my life.

Oh, and you know what else?

I'm going to make sure your mom gives you piano lessons.

That way they'll make you play at all our family reunions.

So everybody else can have a good time while your food gets cold.

Oh, y 'all said all the good stuff. You should have let me go first.

You go now, Mom. Oh, no, no, no. We have to hear from the baby's goddess mother

first.

My darling Amanda, besides my everlasting love, which is a given, I

you everything that I've learned about life.

So here goes.

Number one, if you wear cubic zirconium, God will know.

Number two, when you're seated in first class and the coach passengers board,

Don't make eye contact.

It's not that they're bad.

It's just that they belong on the other side of the curtain.

Okay, that goes on for like three years.

It is my turn.

My sweet little Amanda.

My first grandbaby.

No, no, I mean my first granddaughter.

My first granddaughter.

What I would like to give you is... You know,

Mom, I think Amanda needs a night for change. Why don't you take her upstairs?

Your mommy's very sweet. She knew I was going to cry, and she wanted us to be

together, so she didn't have to look at it.

And here's the house I grew up in Memphis.

I want to take you there someday, Amanda.

That's one of the things I could give to you.

So different down there.

People even talk different.

Sometimes I get so homesick for that.

The way people talk down there.

Talk Memphis to me.

I can see the moon shining through

the trees.

What makes this to me?

The sweet harmony.

Why does the river mean so much?

Flowing to the sea.

Clouds overhead reflected there.

So much time lost, the ransom of my soul.

That sweet harmony.

I stray too far from the river song.

Lost in a frenzied world.

I can't imagine you and me.

Flying back to Tennessee.

We're walking the bluff a steamboat nears. It lifts my heart and calms my

fears. I feel the pulse of your hand.

to go back.

get in touch with your feminine side crap.

So I talked to Ira, and he said that I should tell you what I was feeling when

my hand wound up on your, well, you know.

You are something else.

You can grab it, but you can't say it.

I said, well, somewhere after the time we got divorced and before me groping

you, we became friends, am I right?

Maybe.

Well, you're the only woman I've had that with, ever.

And with Rachel moving away, I was afraid that we'd lose the one thing that

still connected us.

So I guess at that moment, I kind of fell back on the thing that used to

us.

That's where Ira told me to stop before I blew it.

He said you'd talk now.

Okay.

Jeff, we've been married.

We have a daughter and two grandkids.

So whether I like you or not, there's some part of me that'll always love you.

So you're not kicking me out of your life?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe we should test it out.

What, are you nuts?

Some people believe that the soul picks the family it wants to be born into.

What were you thinking?