Original subtitles

Don't you worry about me, Governor.

I know there's an homicidal maniac loose on the streets of London, but what

would he want with a defenseless woman all alone on such a dark night?

Evening, your ladyship.

Well, a young pip like yourself shouldn't be out in the middle of the

Where's your mum?

She's dead.

I strangled her with me yo -yo.

That was Sybil Sheridan in the deliriously awful horror classic Oliver

Twisted. Now it's time for you, our viewers, to pick which of this year's

nominees for stupidest death scene will take home the gold and stinky.

Will Sybil Sheridan and Oliver the Twisted win for an unprecedented fifth

straight year?

Call in your vote now.

Every year I tell myself, I'm not going to let this get to me.

I mean, this is the gold and stinky award.

Stupid person's idea of a stupid award.

If I don't win again, I'll just die.

And pulse.

Right finger.

Dial.

And remember, nobody stinks like Sybil Sheridan.

Why stinky?

And it's so unfair.

She gets kidnapped by a pack of giant vampire kangaroos and then thrown into a

volcano.

What's stupid about that?

Your scene was much stupider, Sybil.

Really?

It was asinine. Low point in your career.

In anybody's career.

Then why didn't I get the stinky this time?

I mean, I know it's not much, but it's the only award I've ever won.

And from across the room, after a couple of martinis, it sort of looks like a

Tony.

Mother, most actresses don't even have one stinking.

I mean, think about poor Meryl Streep. Does anyone ever offer her the

embarrassing parts that you've played?

No.

Because everyone knows she couldn't possibly stink as much as you do.

Thank you.

Now I have to go practice for my conservatory audition.

You know, just in case this stinky thing is hereditary.

No, really, you can stop now. Mommy feels better.

Is she practicing around the clock like she did for her last audition?

More. She's really putting the pressure on herself this time to get in.

And she won't talk about it.

She's just like me. I'm afraid if I open up, I'm being weak.

That's because of my father.

Stop crying, Ira, or I'll give you something to cry about.

All I wanted was a puppy.

I'm going to try to talk to her again.

Honey, would you like a puppy?

Thank you.

Sybil, I just spoke to the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce about getting you a

star on Hollywood Boulevard.

Marianne, that is the sweetest thing you've ever done for me. But get this.

Apparently, somebody has already applied to get you a star.

I hold in my hand.

the name and number of the president of the Sybil Sheridan International Fan

Club.

Fan club?

Marianne, do you know what this means?

Absolutely. Somebody has finally recognized your many talents.

Really? Because I was thinking there must be another Sybil Sheridan, but

way better.

Where's Zoe?

Her audition was two hours ago.

How can you just sit there?

Because I don't pace, Ira.

I don't need some weird little compulsive ritual to help me cope with

Oh, no.

I ate the icing side first.

Now this whole bag is no good.

Honey, your mother and I were worried about you.

I just stopped off to get some coffee.

Did it go okay? How'd you play?

It went okay. I'll know in a week.

No wonder she avoids us.

Okay.

From now on, when I'm talking, you be quiet.

And when I'm quiet, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Julia, come in.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Oh, Zoe. Is she upset?

Upset? Well, I had to stay to see another one of my students play, so we

get a chance to talk, but...

I mean, whoa, I know how I'd feel.

The girl who auditioned ahead of her played the same piece, and she really

nailed it.

Zoe was good, but, I mean, she tried, but... Well, I mean, nobody laughed or

anything, but... I mean, ouch.

Ouch?

Julia? Could you come up here for a minute?

She wants to talk.

She's opening up. You've broken through.

Oh, Ira, we have a portal into the Zoe dimension.

Go, reach out to her. Hurry.

Wait!

While you're up there, find out how she feels about men and careers and love.

president of my fan club. I don't know how to act.

Sybil, she doesn't know that. That's why she's a fan.

Let's sit down before I start to think about what you just said.

Your fan is here.

suggested that we name your favorite dish after you. So, from now on, when

see someone scooping mayonnaise out of a bowl with their fingers, you'll know

they ordered the Sybil Sheridan.

Hi, I'm Sybil Sheridan. Sybil Sheridan, I'm Minnie Arbogast. It is such an honor

to meet you.

I thought you'd get kind of a kick out of that.

Remember, that's from zombie vacation.

You know, when you beat that guy to death with his own arm and then used it

back scratcher.

That was my idea, to use the arm as a back scratcher. It wasn't in the script.

knew it. I knew it. You just settled a bet. I owe myself five bucks.

Let me take that.

You touched this hand.

I will never wash it again.

Oh, this is my friend, Marianne Thorpe. Hello.

Up until now.

Well, great. You could join the fan club, maybe.

How could I possibly refuse?

Tell me. How?

I didn't even know I had a fan club.

Who's in it? Well, just people like Marianne and me.

In fact, just Marianne and me, but... I got big plans.

I'm marketing a Sybil Sheridan doll based on your character from Debutantes

Hell. The head spins around, and if you squeeze its little tummy, it spits pea

soup.

Or mustard, if you're entertaining.

Look at this.

These are priceless mementos from your life in film, which I was

hoping you could autograph and Marianne could bring to the next meeting of the

fan club.

By the way, it's your turn to have it at your house next.

Sorry, but you might have trouble finding my house.

Because it's on Earth.

Whoa.

It's my severed thumb from Romeo and Juliet.

Oh!

Oh, and look, it's my severed tongue from Shut Up, Little Susie.

Congratulations. On what?

On being in the wax museum in London.

Madame Tussauds.

Impossible.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sybil, but that's like saying Lincoln Center will be honoring

cast of Hee Haw.

You are so out of my fan club.

Am I really a Madame Tussauds? I was there.

There's an entire exhibit on Oliver the Twisted in their chamber of horrors.

There's not actually a plaque with your name on it, but everyone knows it's you.

This is so cool.

I'm immortalized in wax.

I mean, if you're going to get recognized for a crappy performance,

much better than a golden stinky.

Crappy.

Well, yeah.

I mean...

movie paid the bills and all, but I mean, let's face it, it's just crap.

People only watch it as a joke.

So I'm a joke.

I didn't... I didn't mean you.

No, but I know what you meant.

You're all like, I'm a serious actress now.

Like I didn't go through this with Jamie Lee Curtis.

She does Trading Places and suddenly, boom, she's too good for Swamp Thing 2.

Here's five years of my life.

I can only hope that Linda Blair will take me back.

Great.

No fan club.

No star on Hollywood Boulevard.

And no stinky.

You don't need any of that.

No matter what else. happens in your career, you'll always be standing in

Cousseau's with thousands of people passing you everyday saying, who the

that?

I don't know.

Something tells me that I'm not in that museum.

What?

Me.

Ah!

She took your head off of your body?

What do you call that?

Theft? Beheading?

Wax evasion?

This time, just sip.

Okay, goodbye.

Marianne, there was a missing head department at Madame Tussauds.

They know my head was stolen, but they don't care.

They already replaced me.

They fired my head!

It's my Sybil Dream head.

She has a big date tonight with G .I. Joe head.

And she groovy.

Why don't they want my head, Marianne?

This is my one chance to be immortalized.

Sybil, listen to me.

If that lunatic can get your head out of the museum without being caught, then

by God, these lunatics can get it back in.

You're right.

Hear that?

You can go home again.

Zoe, what do you mean you're giving up the piano?

There's still a chance you can get into the conservatory.

You don't get accepted when you're playing Chopin and suddenly the only

you can remember is the first three bars of Glow Worms.

Okay, a little bump in the road. So, you don't get in, you'll try again in six

months. That's what I did when they didn't accept me the first time.

I wasted six months.

What wasted? You learned glowworm.

Didn't you always tell me to trust my instincts and follow my heart?

Yes, but this isn't your heart.

Your heart's in that piano, Zoe.

It has been since you were a little girl.

Julia's on the faculty. Maybe she can get you another audition.

Dad, will you just give it up, please?

Zoe, I'm sorry.

I'm your father. You leave me no choice.

Sybil!

You asked for this.

Well, it's not like I'm not... doing anything. I got a job.

What job?

As an office assistant.

So we... Well, it's a great opportunity. It's a position with the L .A.

Philharmonic.

My baby's gonna be playing piano with the Philharmonic!

I'm not the only one going, ah!

Your job is an office assistant, Sybil.

Which you're only taking until you get into the conservatory, right?

I'm not getting into the conservatory. I've accepted that. Can't you?

No, I can't.

You waited this your whole life, and now you're just making an easy choice.

You're doing it again.

Step off. We're going to be late.

And I figured out how we can sneak your head back into the museum.

It's just you, me, and a little vaccine.

Oh, Marianne, that'll never work.

You know how people are always touching babies?

And look at me.

Look how cute I look.

I'll just explain to everyone that you bite.

Well, it's true.

You guys cannot be serious. What you're doing is totally insane.

What?

You know, honey, this whole piano thing, you should really do what you want to

do. Sybil?

It's her life, Ira.

Well, thank you, Mother.

Thank you very much.

Wonderful.

You're in a hurry so you just blow off your daughter's future?

I am not.

She had too much talent to settle for a desk job, and you know it. Of course

she's talented. She's just not crazy.

Like you were when you gave up your law practice to become a writer.

And like me when... Pick a time.

I think I'll just go outside and put the baby in the trunk.

Oh, little silly head.

Mama never put you in the trunk.

Ira, Zoe wants to be a performer. She's just got to be a little crazy. I mean,

that's what drives me to go on stage and in front of the camera.

How could she not be crazy? I mean, look at us.

She just doesn't see herself that way.

Then talk to her.

Oh, yeah, like she's going to believe me if I tell her she's crazy.

But if Julia told her... Where's the phone?

Ask her to find out what that 50 -pound sack of snake food is doing in Zoe's

room.

Welcome to the Chamber of Horrors. Everyone stay together. This way,

Yes, come along.

Gather round.

Right.

from the Spanish Inquisition, which we like to call the pain in Spain.

I laugh every time.

Now, step this way, please.

This is Oliver the Twisted, from the unique cinematic genre referred to in

America as schlock.

on into the next room.

All right, they're gone.

Who's that?

That head wasn't in my movie.

That head didn't win four golden stinkies.

before one of you says something you regret.

There I am, in Madame Tussauds' wax museum.

It's supposed to do this, right?

Please tell me my head is okay. Please, please, please, please, please.

Bummer.

A little blush, some fresh lipstick, a couple of cans of Spackle.

It's not funny.

We have to fix me. Welcome to the Chamber of Horrors.

Somebody's coming.

Big surprise.

What should we do? Walk away and blame a child. Let's go.

You're not seriously considering.

Of course I am.

Now let's just do this before Fred and Ricky get back.

Who is that? She looks familiar.

It's Sybil Sheridan. No, no, no.

I know. It's Shelly Hack from the Charlie's Angels.

And they even added 20 pounds to her just like the camera does.

Oh, good, aren't they?

Darling,

we've been here six hours.

We've had seven Shelly Hacks, four Cheryl Lads, three Rosemary,

and one Rod Stewart.

I'm going to get some fish and chips.

You know what chips are, don't you?

French fries.

Oh, yeah.

Why isn't Zoe back?

She should be back by now.

Relax.

I'm sure she did fine.

I'm so proud of her for sticking with her music.

But if things didn't go well tonight, she's going to need a lot of support.

Well, I hope you're happy, Mother.

I just spent

three hours as a piano -playing Barbie for a children's birthday party while a

bunch of eight -year -olds all stoned on root beer and pudding pops put silly

string in my hair and something that is moving in my shoe.

And what's worse, I got three more jobs out of it.

Nothing I could imagine could be more humiliating or degrading than this.

Thank you.

That was exactly what I needed.