Original subtitles

I have to admit that I was shocked at first, but I am really glad you called

Well, I just want us to stop fighting. I really would like for us to finally be

friends. Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that. I feel exactly the same way.

I just can't tell you how much that means to me.

And cut!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Nice fingernails.

Now I'm going to need a rabies shot.

Finally, she shows some emotion.

Where was that when you were doing, well, whatever that was you were doing

I was acting?

Oh, is that what you call it?

Acting? I thought you were passing a kidney stone.

No, people, just because everyone is saying your career is in the toilet,

no reason to lash out at me.

Oh, Andre, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to lash out at you. I just wanted you to know that you suck.

You're going to pay for that.

Bite me.

All right. Places, everybody.

Thank you.

You make me sick.

I think of all the parts you've stolen from me. Oh, please.

You threw me off your patio into a canyon, you cow.

Pack. Bitch.

Tramp.

Work if you can get it, and if you get it, won't you tell me how?

You know, as an actress, I've had to play a blind person, an abused wife.

I've had to kill and be killed.

But hugging Andrea?

I'd rather groom a monkey with my tongue.

You can't possibly hate Andrea as much as I do. After all, she did break up my

marriage.

She didn't even meet Dr. Dick until two years after you got divorced.

He used to be married to me.

Now he's married to her.

Honestly, Sybil, it's as if you don't want me to hate her.

What was I thinking?

That little homewrecker stole him right out from under your nose.

We hate her.

Uh -uh.

Oh, look, it's that funny little man who's always scratching at your back

I should go to the hardware store and get one of those little ira doors.

Hi. Hey, Sid.

Marianne. Oh.

I don't hear the piano.

How come Zoe's not practicing for her audition at the conservatory music?

She didn't get the audition. She's on the waiting list.

So, she's upstairs practicing her don't talk to me because you're not cool

enough to understand my angst face.

Huh. I always thought that was her if I stare at you hard enough, your head will

explode face.

Don't tell me.

Neiman Marcus has canceled their valet parking?

Don't even joke about that.

Look at this picture!

It's Andrea.

Andrea Thorpe has been named Angel of the Year for the old Center Stage

Company. That was supposed to be your award.

Didn't you nag me to use some of my money to support the arts?

And didn't I do it just to shut you up?

And what do I get for this act of selfless dedication?

A Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf rain hat?

Hardly worth $25 ,000, thank you.

Hey, I suggested the Sweeney Todd cheese grater, but I was upvoted.

Ever since Andrea married Dr. Dick, she has gone out of her way to upvote.

Staged me at every charity event or social function that I am a part of. She

probably made him write a bigger check so that I wouldn't get the award.

She's a freak of nature.

That woman has implant.

We really hate her.

Dad, let it go.

Honey, you're on the waiting list.

Someone could have a nervous breakdown.

Or get hit by lightning. Or have a lawnmower accident.

You've got to be positive.

They're obviously looking for people who've been playing in concerts and

competitions.

I don't know why I even bother to apply. I mean, you don't start this at 18.

It's stupid.

Zoe, I didn't write my first book until I was in my 40s. You know why?

I didn't listen to my heart.

I listened to my father.

Be a lawyer, Ira.

Writers can't make a living, Ira. You can't eat a book, Ira.

What did my father know about art? He sold toasters for crying out loud.

Sorry. How long was I gone that time?

You know, this audition is the first time Zoe's been excited in months.

Told me there was a way.

Don't tell me. They've discovered peanut butter causes ear hair and they're

taking it off the market?

Don't even joke about that.

Andrea is on the board of directors of the L .A. Conservatory of Music.

Apparently your ex is still trying to buy some respectability for the new

missus' dick.

I resent this. According to my private investigator, he's not supposed to have

this kind of money.

Well, there's her name, Andrea Thorpe.

She's really slithered her way onto the A -list.

First the theater, then the Conservatory of Music.

We hate her.

How dare you talk about our new best friend that way?

Okay, Sheridan, cut the crap. What do you want?

I need a favor.

You need a favor?

The woman who threw me into the koi pond at my wedding?

Yeah, we've had some laughs, haven't we?

No, we haven't.

She's on the waiting list to audition for the L .A. Conservatory of Music. I

know you're on the board and... So what's in it for me?

Well, you'd have the heartfelt satisfaction... Let me rephrase that

So what's in it for me?

All right. What do you want?

Ooh.

I want you to deliver the testimonial speech at the banquet when I accept my

Angel of the Year Award.

Why me?

Shouldn't that be done by one of your close personal friends?

Someone who knows and loves you?

Oh, I see your problem.

Fine. Oh, what was your daughter's name again? Just so I remember not to mention

it at the conservatory.

Okay, okay.

I'm supposed to tell a room full of people how wonderful, talented, and

you are.

Oh, yes.

And I want it to be sincere and from the heart.

I'll have a speech prepared.

It's for Zoe. It's for Zoe.

Okay. It's a deal.

And what do we say?

Thank you.

It is freezing in here.

I'll adjust the thermostat, ma 'am. Oh, oh, and during my speech, please keep

the help quiet.

You people just have a way of dropping a dish at the most inopportune moment.

We'll try not to drop anything, ma 'am.

We'll throw it.

nice of you to show up you know it is so funny i have your husband i have your

award i even have your best friend giving it to me one would think you

just want to disappear into the woodwork instead of dressing like a traffic cone

okay

but just one

He's probably on his nurse right now.

Here's your speech.

I've always admired Andrea.

I envy Andrea.

Oh, come on. I wish I was Andrea.

Is there a problem, Sybil? You know, any little thing?

that might interfere with my making a certain phone call?

Okay, let's go over the ground rules.

I make the speech, and then the second the ceremony is over, you make the call.

Got it? Actually, I was planning on calling from the car on the way home.

No, you're going to call from here.

I'll dial.

My mama didn't raise no food.

Although I'm glad she won't be here when I have to sing the greatest love of

all.

If we can all take our seats, it's time to present our award.

And here to introduce our guest of honor is one of her oldest and dearest

friends, Sybil Sheridan.

Good afternoon. We're here today to honor one of the most remarkable women

the 20th century, Andrea Thorpe.

And Mother Teresa.

And on a personal note, Andrea gave me my first break when I was just a young,

aspiring actress, yet still older than Andrea.

Someone dropped out and she got the audition.

Shall I hold Mother Teresa down while you put her cheekbones back where they

used to be?

No, you can't hurt the undead.

the one who told me that your hater needed my contribution.

Which was obvious. The lobby bar doesn't even carry Stoli.

Back to you, Sybil.

Your friend is dead.

Not on your best day, Barbie.

Well, go ahead and say whatever you want, you no -talent Sherylad knockoff.

My husband, wrote a big check to this group of losers, and I want what's

to me.

Okay.

Would you mind waiting in the hall for a few minutes?

We have one more person to listen to, and then I'd like to have a word with

Okay, certainly.

Okay, sector 42 is secure.

Sector 42, aren't we being a little paranoid?

Ira, I needed someone to protect me from Andrea. She's completely warped.

I needed someone who thinks just like her.

It's been three days Andrea hasn't tried a thing, but she's still running around

like Agent 99.

Don't touch that!

It's clean, but don't make any coffee.

Why?

I don't like your coffee.

I wonder where Zoe is. Her audition's been over for a while now.

Maybe she called. Of course, she wouldn't have to call if they'd just let

watch. But no, it's school policy.

Like we were going to hold up our lighters and yell...

Amateur. I would have flooded this place with lasers.

But just in case, we're going to need a mirror ball, night vision goggles, and a

wet cat.

On my way out, I'll check the sprinklers for napalm. Oh, and you, don't let her

eat anything you haven't tasted first.

I'll be back.

The minute she got this audition, she called me and now nothing.

You know, it really doesn't matter if she gets in or not.

It's just so great to see her finally doing something challenging.

Yeah, when she was practicing this morning, I actually caught her smiling.

When she saw me, she faked a yawn.

It was so cute.

Speaking of cute, so, how was it?

Did you get in?

Well, as soon as I finished the audition, the director asked me to stay

Why do I have to hear everything from your mother?

What did he say?

Well, he said I was very talented and have a lot of potential, but I needed

concert experience.

So he told me to enter some competitions and reapply next term.

Oh, honey, that's great.

Yeah.

He also said he was really happy that I had someone call and persuade him to

open up an extra audition spot just for me.

Gee, I wonder who that could have been, Mom.

I did it, Zoe.

You? The director of the school is my publisher's brother.

I don't believe this.

Me neither.

I expect Mom to screw up my life, but not you.

Exactly.

Hey! See it?

This one's mine.

Right. I'll just stay here and tear up some sheets for bandages.

Hey.

Who says your mother's the only one who gets to screw up your life, huh?

Why didn't you tell me? Why did you go behind my back?

Would you have let me do it? Of course not. There you go.

I had no business being at that audition. The whole thing was a joke.

The only reason I was there was because my daddy knew somebody. I feel like an

idiot. Why?

He said you were talented. You should be proud of that. He had to say it. He was

doing you a favor.

He probably would have said...

I don't care.

I didn't do this to be popular.

Two days ago, you were about to walk away from something you wanted so bad.

This afternoon, I saw somebody I haven't seen for a long time.

That's why I made the call. You had no right.

Maybe. Still, I don't care.

You needed this chance.

You needed to prove yourself to yourself.

I'm your father.

It's part of my job to see that you get what you need.

And for the record, my ass has got to be completely honest with you. So if he

said you were good, you were good.

And I'm proud of you.

Mother, I really don't need to talk about this right now, okay?

Just two words, okay?

Chunky monkey.

I'm not a child.

Fine.

Well, just leave the ice cream.

I never had a chance.

I played great, too.

I was so nervous, I almost didn't go through with it.

But then I thought, you've been humiliated so many times in your life.

You know?

If you could deal with it, I could deal with it.

Uh, thanks.

Yeah. I mean, you've been a dancing carrot in a singing toilet.

And, oh, you remember that movie you did, Beach Zombies, where they played

volleyball with your head?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Could I please have some ice cream?

Anyway, that's what got me through.

So I guess I should thank you for that.

And thank you for respecting me enough not to pull strings like Dad did.

Zoe, I have to be honest with you.

Because I've always been honest with you.

A policy which, at this rare moment of closeness...

I deeply regret.

Oh, no, you were in on it with John.

Come on, you know me better than that.

I work alone.

Hey, did Zoe ever make up her mind about going to the symphony with me?

She never returned my phone call, so I figured I'd just show up, you know, in

case. I don't know, Ira.

Hey, and why didn't you tell me you were scheming to get her an audition?

The same reason you didn't tell me what you were up to.

I didn't want her to be mad at you, too.

Oh, that's sweet.

I didn't tell you because, well, I never tell you anything.

But that's sweet.

Okay, Dad, I'll wait for you in the car.

Oh, we're going?

Could you rather not?

I said I'll wait for you in the car.

Bye, sunshine.

Say, where's your bodyguard, Marianne?

No, don't tell me.

She got a job sniffing luggage at the airport.

No.

She told me the coast is clear.

Anyway, Andrea's bark has always been much worse than her bite.

See ya.

Bye.

Do I do Mae West?