Original subtitles

Another special occasion from United Florists. Hi, honey, it's Mom.

I just called to wish you a happy Valentine's Day.

Thanks, Mom.

And it is a happy one. I'm seeing Tim tonight.

I like that Tim.

He's such a nice young man.

I know.

I've never felt this way about anybody before.

Well, you two have a very special time together.

Hmm.

It's beautiful.

It's the United Florist condom bouquet.

Love, Mom.

The United Florist condom bouquet.

Give it to someone you love so they don't get anything else.

Loving one who loves you and them taking that bath.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me?

Okay, Rachel, I see you're king -sized and raise

you one ribbed for her pleasure.

I can't remember. Which is worth more, a ribbed for her pleasure or a micro

-thin ultra -glide?

Oh, definitely micro -thin ultra -glide. The ribbed ones are so overrated, you

have to use them at a certain angle or else they... I fold.

You can't fold.

What am I going to do with all these condoms they gave me? I've got 16 cases

get rid of. Well, 15. I kept one for myself.

Mom, there are like 1 ,200 condoms in a case.

Hey, I happen to have a very healthy sex drive, which I hope one day to share

with a partner.

Besides,

they have plenty of other uses.

Little coasters, for example.

And they make fabulous earrings.

And in case of floods, they make excellent sandbags.

Our mother is the Martha Stewart of condoms.

Aren't you glad you moved back home?

Hey, excuse me, I did not move back home. I'm only here because my apartment

condemned. This is like emergency housing.

Yes, I'm like the Red Cross.

Except for central air, a private bathroom, HBO.

Well... What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I don't understand why you just don't live here.

She's an adult. She's independent.

It's just a stage. She'll grow out of it.

Oh, look, peppermint.

Wouldn't that sting?

Hey, happy Valentine's Day, everybody.

Happy Valentine's Day.

There's my favorite school teacher.

Oh, you smell like paste. I like that.

I have been making Valentine cards all day with my third graders.

And this one is for my special Valentine.

Oh.

Uh, are those... Uh -huh. Your mother?

Mm -hmm. Uh -huh.

To the best mommy ever, be my Valentine.

Love, Bobby.

Who's Bobby?

Oh, no, this means Bobby Johnson took home the card I made for you to his

mother.

Dear God in heaven.

Oh, honey, it can't be that bad.

Oh, dear God in heaven, you called that woman right now. Well, hopefully I can

find the number.

Maybe I'll just tell her it was a drawing of a sock.

You know, Valentine's Day is one of my very favorite holidays because it

celebrates the female anatomy.

Uh -oh.

Do you know what this heart shape is actually a symbol of? Don't even start.

Girls, show some respect.

I, for one, am very interested in what the Valentine represents.

What is it, Sybil? A dove?

A lily? The wings of an angel?

The labia.

Unfolding to reveal... Why didn't you stop me?

You know when you see those bumper stickers that say, I heart my parakeet?

really means, I labia my parakeet.

So, Zoe, are you and Sean going out tonight?

Oh, no. I'm having dinner with my father.

Sean asked me. I just wasn't up for it. I don't know. I feel like I've outgrown

him. Have you told him that?

I guess I'm still working up to it.

God, why don't you just shoot him and get it over with?

Rachel, all she's saying is that she wants something new in her life.

Like college. That would be something new.

Oh, that was subtle, Mom.

I've been listening to this all week, Rachel.

Yesterday we went out for frozen yogurt, and she asked me if I wanted chocolate

sprinkles or an academic advantage in a fiercely competitive world.

Can't you think of anything else to talk about?

Zoe, today's topics are college or labia. You make the call.

Well, she said changing the subject in that whimsical way of hers.

I'm having Valentine's dinner with my son.

Justin's in town?

God, I haven't seen him in, like, forever.

He's flying in this afternoon, and tonight I'm introducing him to the new

my life.

This is a big event for you. Huge.

I haven't seen Justin since Thanksgiving in Buffalo.

What if he and Richard don't get along and he decides not to come home again

another three years? Will I be forced to choose?

Am I a mother? Am I a woman? Damn it, I'm both. Why must I be punished?

If I'm guilty of anything, it's of loving too much.

It's very disturbing.

Sybil, please come with me. I'm really a wreck about this. Why do you need me

there? Because you have a knack for keeping the conversation alive and

people at ease, whereas my talent lies in foaming at the mouth and

bursting into flames.

As much as I'd like to see that.

This evening, I'm going to spend with my favorite Valentine, my grandson,

William, while Rachel and Kevin have a nice dinner together.

Thank you, Mom.

That's for me, that's for me, that's for me.

Uh, hello?

Uh, yes.

Hi, Mrs. Johnson, how are you? Yeah, I'm really glad you called back. Look, I'm,

uh, I'm really sorry about the mix -up with the car.

Excuse me?

Well, yes, I work out.

So then, when I was five, we were doing the Christmas pageant at the First

Presbyterian Church.

I could sense we were losing the audience, so I threw in a medley from

Yankees.

The next year, we were Lutheran.

Now, William, don't forget, you're a baby.

You can still throw up on her and get away with it.

Come on, William.

Oh, come to it, Zoe.

Oh, boy.

Blow up some of those condoms and make him some balloon animals.

He likes that.

Sybil, we rushed right over. What's the emergency?

Talk to me privately. Have a seat.

Sybil, I just had to come over. The evening's already a disaster.

I mean, we were on our way to the restaurant and they were hardly looking

each other.

Marianne, you took separate cars.

Okay, I'm a little crazed about this, but I'm not good at getting people to

up. You are. You have that warm, open, welcoming, inviting way about you. Thank

you. Now get the hell out.

Please come with me. Please.

Please. Marianne, look. They're talking.

Your mother's a wonderful woman.

Yeah.

But she's a little insane tonight.

Yes. Yes, she is.

Justin.

It's Zoe.

Get out of here.

You don't believe me?

You big booger face.

Zoe, how have you been?

Good, hey.

You know, Marianne, We do have reservations.

Go!

What's that, Sybil? Stay for a glass of wine?

Well, if you insist.

I'm sorry, Richard, but it's Valentine's Day.

I completely understand.

Okay, we'll have a glass of wine.

We wouldn't want me to be alone, would we?

I'll get the glasses.

And my cute little coasters.

So big date tonight, huh?

Yeah, this really great guy.

He's successful, smart, handsome, very mature.

Oh, that's great.

My father.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm going out with my mother tonight.

So I guess we're both big losers.

Maybe we should jump.

So how long are you going to be in town?

I don't know. A couple days.

Depending on how Mother handles it.

Tell me something.

You see her when I'm not here.

Is she like this all the time?

I think your mother's really cool.

She's fun, unpredictable, truly dangerous. I love her.

Yeah, I love her too, but... Well... She puts the mother in smother.

Well, hey, at least you're not staying in the same house with her. I swear, I

living terms of endearment. Except at the end, I'm still alive.

Okay, is this a competition now? All right.

So, has your mother ever put a bear trap in your father's sock drawer?

I wish.

Well, she's not like that as much now.

She came to visit a little more.

You'd probably see that.

So you think I ought to come visit more?

Maybe.

You know, if you need to get away from your mother, you can always come over

here.

And see my mother.

Now, Richard...

If

you look very closely... Um...

It really is getting late.

No, no, no, Marianne. I want to see what this is.

He always falls asleep in the car and he's just about out. Make traffic

Okay.

Hey, there's a reason they call it the fast lane, pal.

Did you just flip me off?

So how was your Valentine's date with William? It was great. He spilled his

drink on the couch, threw food at me, and cried until I burped him.

Just like that congressman I dated.

What about your date? How did they get along?

Famously. You see? You were right. It was a wonderful evening.

Except I was sitting between an animal activist and a veterinarian.

So I was afraid to order anything with a face.

I'm happy your evening was a success. And may I add, why are you here?

Did you and Richard already go through that case of condoms I gave you?

If so, I'd like to shake your hand.

After you wash it, of course.

Oh, it's Justin in town. It didn't feel right staying with Richard, so we

decided to call it a night.

So imagine my surprise when I arrive home and I find this note from Justin.

Don't wait up.

Oh, yeah. He and Zoe went for a drive.

Oh? Really?

And you knew about this?

Uh, yes.

See? That's how I was able to tell you.

She came home from her dinner with Ira and Justin called and they decided to

take a drive to the beach.

Really? I wonder if something's going on between them.

Zoe and Justin?

Hmm. That might be kind of cool.

For Zoe, maybe.

Excuse me?

Oh, no offense, Sybil, but we both know not only does Zoe have a tough time

forming relationships, but she's extremely hard on men.

Like who?

Like Sean.

Marianne, Sean cheated on Zoe, and she's just not completely over it yet.

What about that guy in Italy she dumped after one night? She did not dump him.

She was leaving the country the next day, and it was a beautiful, meaningful

-night stand.

I will not have Zoe toy with Justin and then toss him away when she outgrows

him. You're making Zoe sound like she's some conniving, globe -trotting tramp.

I mean, I know she puts on that sophisticated woman -of -the -world act,

she's still very young.

And in a lot of ways, she's just a little girl who doesn't know what she's

doing. And what about Justin? He's the one who didn't come home for three

Oh, wish I hadn't said that.

Oh, Marianne, we've got great kids. Why are we doing this? Oh, it's me.

Justin being here makes me so crazy and possessive. I'm sorry about the things I

said.

Are we okay?

Sure, we're okay.

Well, I'm glad you are.

seat of the baby. You go talk to Zoe.

Fat chance, sister.

We're with all yours.

Just don't show any fear and try to appear larger than you really are.

Zoe, may I come in?

I don't have time to talk, Marianne. Justin and I are eloping.

He does inherit your entire estate, doesn't he?

I'm sorry, okay?

I'm just not myself when he's around.

I say things I don't mean.

Hey, I've known you since you were a baby. I love you.

And I would be proud to have you as my daughter -in -law.

Of course, if you move him out of town as God is my witness, I will rain down

you like a fire from hell.

See? That's another thing I didn't mean.

You love that about me, right?

Marianne, Justin and I are not even dating.

We haven't seen each other in years, and we just went for a drive.

That's all. Well, where are you going?

To my father's. Zoe, how am I going to explain to your mother that I drove you

away? It's not you.

You treat me like an adult.

Everybody treats me like an adult except her.

Well, I'm not a little girl putting on an act, and I will not stay anyplace

where I'm treated like one. Oh, Zoe, you don't understand.

Someday you'll be a mother. Marianne!

Just tell the condom queen to take a good hard look at herself.

Maybe she's the one who needs to start acting like a grown -up.

I will not say that to my best friend.

I will simply call her a condom queen and leave it at that.

What are you doing?

See, Zoe, here's the deal.

It's so terrific, you living here with me.

I want to capture it on film so I can look at it tomorrow morning when I'm

alone.

Why, are you kicking me out?

Are you kidding?

I love having you here.

But you know your mother's going to come over, you'll patch things up, you'll be

back at her place by lunch.

And you know what that leaves me with?

Why on earth would I move back in with Mom? She treats me like a child.

That's the way it is with parents.

Your baby's always going to be your baby.

And as she gets older, every second you have together gets more precious.

Dad, I'm not moving out.

But you are.

Ah, there's your mother. Right on schedule.

Hey, Ira. Hi, Sybil.

Oh.

Goodbye, honey. I'll always treasure these moments we had together.

Here you go. You left some stuff behind.

See ya.

Oh, I get it.

Reverse psychology.

Like you'd use on a child, right?

Zoe, I can't believe you're angry at me. I was defending you to Marianne. And

you know what?

I can't worry that every single word I say to you might drive you away.

It's emotional blackmail, and that is childish.

If you want to be treated like an adult, start acting like one.

Now, do me a favor and say something sarcastic and hurtful so I won't feel so

bad when I walk out the door.

Why is it that every time you don't agree with me, it's because I'm being

immature? You think I'm not acting like an adult unless I'm doing exactly what

you think I should be doing.

Not true.

Oh, really?

Then how's this?

My apartment wasn't condemned.

I lost my job. I couldn't pay my rent. What do you think about that?

I thought you were waiting tables.

I was fired.

The customers kept complaining about my attitude.

Now, here I am. I have no job, no apartment.

And now you're going to tell me to go to college.

No.

I'm going to tell you to go work at some expensive French restaurant where the

people expect you to be rude to them.

Why didn't you tell me sooner?

Why do you think?

When you were my age, you were living alone in New York, and you had a career.

You knew what you wanted to do from the time you were a Presbyterian.

I don't. I'm sorry. Maybe you don't know what that feels like.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I don't.

But there are courses you could take that would... I almost did it, but I

didn't. That counts as not.

I have to make my own decisions.

Even if they're not the ones you would make.

Okay.

So we've agreed?

If I move back home, you'll stop pushing me.

No way. I said you could make your own choices.

I'm not going to watch while you throw your wonderful potential away while I

stand quietly by counting my condoms.

Why shouldn't I just stay here with Dad?

Go ahead.

He's going to be the same way I am.

And every Tuesday and Thursday, David Duchovny jogs past my house.

Oh, now I see.

Told you.

So the song, I Left My Heart in San Francisco, is much more tragic than one

would think.

And the song, One Hand, One Heart, is much more...

exercise than one would think.

Oh, they're here.

So?

I got a lock on my door.

Perfect.

It is her mission in life to torture me.

I'm so glad she's home.

I need to use the ladies' room.

Use the one down here. I much prefer the one upstairs.

Well, your daughter is upstairs with the son of a stalker. I'm just doing my

job.

Mary Ann, you come back here.

Zoe, it's coming!

Another special occasion from United Florists. Hi, honey, it's Mom.

I just called to wish you a happy President's Day.

Hi, Mom. That's so sweet.

Guess what?

Tim and I were going to his parents' cabin in the mountains.

Oh, I like that Tim.

And he comes from such a nice family. I know. I really lucked out when I met

him. Well, you two have a wonderful time together.

Hmm.

The United Florist President's Day Condom Bouquet.

President's Day?

The President's Day Condom Bouquet from United Florist.

When you shake hands with Mr. Lincoln, make sure he's wearing a glove.