Original subtitles

So, Sybil, before we go in the air, I hear 60 Minutes is really killing your

show in ratings.

Let me put that rumor to rest right now.

Yes, it is.

Okay, let's do it.

We're here live at the opening of the Los Angeles Petting Zoo with Sybil

Sheridan, star of Lifeforms. How's it going, Sybil?

Oh, we're having a blast, Arthel. Did you ride the llama yet?

Are your children here today?

Oh, no. My children have all matured into healthy, resentful adults.

I'm here because many of our newest fans of Life Forms are kids.

And I just want to say, hi!

Oh, aren't you the cutest little thing on four legs?

His name's Cyrus, and he's from our farm. We gave him to the zoo because

says it's good to share.

Well, your mommy's right. Think of all the little boys and girls who get to

enjoy Silas, thanks to you.

Isn't that sweet? He's eating out of my head!

He's spitting all over me!

Mommy! Mommy! Everybody call Silas over!

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!

You're just looking to end up on a plate next to some mint jelly!

And so, another children's charity event.

Turns ugly. As actress Sybil Sheridan goes berserk here at the Los Angeles

Petting Zoo.

It was the lamb's fault!

Loving what it loves you.

And then taking that bow.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it.

I like your show. But now that I've read about how you humiliated that poor

defenseless lamb, I'll never let my daughter watch you again, you... potty

mouth!

Can I come out now?

Yes, dear. The bad lady is gone.

Oh, look.

They formed some kind of protest group.

Clean TV for kids.

There's some very powerful names associated with this group.

Big Bird.

Flipper.

Lamb chop.

Oh, I love her.

Him?

Her. I worked with her once. I love her. But off camera, she has the mouth of a

longshoreman. But funny.

It's not fair.

Silas the Lamb bit me. I didn't bite him.

Why aren't they all over his woolly ass?

Oh, you know how it is. A sweet young thing straight off the farm comes to

Hollywood, shakes its tail, and a star is born.

Lifeform's producers have already started damage control.

I am giving a speech at a big animal rights banquet.

You just know they're going to serve all that vegetarian crap.

Sybil, there is a man at the bar who has been staring over here for the past ten

minutes.

I can't tell if he's looking at me or you. Now switch places for me. Whatever

you do, just act nonchalant.

Swing your partner, do -si -do!

I don't think anybody noticed, do you?

He's smiling at me.

Should I smile back?

Should I wave?

Should I assume his car payment?

Why don't you ask him? I think he's coming over.

Oh, dear God, do I look okay?

When did I get so bloated?

Well, now I'm upside down, but my cheekbones are back.

I hope I'm not being too forward, but I just couldn't take my eyes off you.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

This is really corny, I know, but it's from the heart.

Actually, it's from that lady's table over there.

Sorry, I'm empty -handed. I would have brought you that lady's purse, but I

thought it might clash with your shoes.

Well,

that must have been funny, because I don't humiliate myself like that

needlessly.

This is going to sound like some cheap pickup line, but would you? Yeah, I'd

love to.

Don't worry, she'll warm up later.

Hello?

No, it's me.

When you're a veterinarian, you're always on call.

Yeah, this is Dr. Thorpe.

Thorpe, Thorpe, Thorpe.

Mail, mail, mail.

Always on call, that's our Dr. Dick.

Could I call you?

Are you insane?

Your name is Dr.

Richard Thorpe.

She's very upset.

Her friend was attacked by a vicious lamb yesterday.

What's happening to this city? If I hear about one more senseless lamb attack...

Listen, if I can help you with anything lamb -wise, or if you'd just

like to call me.

Since we're handing out cards, call me.

It took me two weeks, but I finally finished setting up the playhouse I got

William for Christmas.

I can't wait to see him play in it, so get him.

Thanks, Ira, but he's sleeping.

I don't care. Wake him up. I want him in that thing now.

So, Mom, Date's here.

Date? You've got to see this guy. She's been going out with him for two weeks.

He is such a major babe.

Hey, is he allowed to be out this late on a school night?

Try to be nice, okay?

Hi, Rachel. Come in, Jim.

Hey, that rhymed.

No, it didn't.

Mom's rang a little bit late.

Yeah, like 15 years.

Well, you said be nice.

This is Zoe.

Hey. Hi. And this is Ira.

Ah, husband number two.

Zoe's father.

The writer.

Nope, doesn't ring a bell.

Trust me, you are.

You do realize you're staring at his butt like it's the last piece of

in his shipwreck?

I am not.

There's only one butt in my life.

And here it is now.

Tim, I'd like you to meet my husband, um... Um...

Kevin? Kevin, yes.

Thank you, Tim. Fine, Jim.

Hey, see how that works? He says my name, I say his.

Sweetheart, it was on the tip of my tongue.

Well, that's comforting.

I'm sorry. Come on, honey.

Sweetie pumpkin.

Here, let me help you out. It's Kevin.

Okay.

Which one? This or this?

That. That's the outfit that says your place or right here.

You know what?

This outfit talks too much.

Come on, Sybil. It's your third date.

But we're still in the beginning phase where everything about him seems so

perfect. I want to wait until I find out how he's not perfect to still see if I

like him enough to sleep with him.

That being said, why am I wearing my breakaway underwear?

So according to your theory, you're hoping he uses the wrong fork for his

so you can take him on the floor like a pirate.

No, no, no. I'm just saying I don't want to chemically bond until I emotionally

bond. I couldn't agree more.

And yet I couldn't understand less.

You remember that guy I was dating who was a horrible human being but I still

wanted to have sex with him? The one who bugged your phone?

Or the one who always brought his own silverware?

No. The one I caught exposing himself to my cat.

I have had my share of sordid affairs.

And it's all because of that hormone that's produced at the big moment.

It's called oxytocin.

Better known on the street as Yabba Dabba Doo.

Darling, didn't you know? They make a patch for that now.

Marianne, I'm serious.

This time I am absolutely positively holding out.

Unless I don't.

I wish I had a man I didn't want to have sex with.

You do. That veterinarian. Don't even say it.

You don't have to call him the D word.

Call him his initials. R .T.? Hmm.

R .T.

Sounds too much like rat. That rat bastard, Dr. Dick!

You see, it's hopeless.

Come on.

Someone's got the same name as your ex -husband.

It's not that uncommon.

What do you think? Yummy.

I knew a Richard Thorpe in high school.

And oddly, two Kareem Weisenstocks.

I think you should give this guy a chance.

Hey!

Why don't you bring him to my suck -up -to -animals banquet tomorrow night?

So my first date in months will be a boring attempt to save your career.

Marianne, I'm going to get up on the stage and make nice to a sheep. That is

boring.

Some parts of the country, that's a bachelor party.

Whoa, I'm standing between my date and my ex -husband.

Oh, not how the dream went.

Okay. I know I'm not wanted.

Apparently not.

So, what are you kids doing tonight?

We're going to none of your beeswax, followed by a late separate. Why are you

still here?

I've got it. I'm gone. Have a good time.

Oh, hold on. I think my car is blocking yours.

So, Jim, your financial advisor. Exactly how young have you been doing that?

Long. How long?

It's a shame you're not going to sleep with Jim tonight, because that would be

fabulous outfit to see me out of.

I don't know.

I'm 46.

He's just a 25 -year -old. So?

You could show him things those younger girls never even dreamed of.

Oh, honey, I know that.

I just don't want to do him any permanent damage.

It's a set of radials.

A set of radials?

Jim, you shouldn't have.

What a beautiful dress.

It's too much, isn't it? And when I saw it, I knew you'd look great in it. But

it's probably too... It's beautiful.

I love it.

Thank you very much.

That's right, Sheridan.

It's me, your worst nightmare.

What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, you said hell.

Very nice.

This is a mouth you kiss your kids with.

Okay, come on, everybody.

So, how about it, lamb basher?

You want a piece of me?

I can't believe it. I'm being threatened by a sock.

You know,

I'm really happy. finally consented to go out with me, Marianne, despite my

offensive and despicable name.

Oh, Pitch, it's just a name.

I can get past it.

Marianne?

Marianne, how good to see you.

And who is this handsome gentleman?

Gina, I'd like you to meet Dr... Rubble.

Dr. Barney Rubble.

I'm a lot taller. in person.

He's charming.

I hate you.

Thank you, Barney.

I have many friends favoring me.

Well, good, because I have many names.

Wait a minute. While they're serving his tofu, what's that?

Oh, it's chicken.

I got it from the wedding next door.

Rachel, Kevin, I would like you to meet my friend.

What is it again?

Dr. Fernando Valenzuela.

She couldn't remember his name.

Well, hopefully that will change after they're married and have a child.

You're not still upset about that, are you, Kevin?

See, I remembered.

Rachel, oh, my God, isn't that Katrinka, the supermodel? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, this place is full of celebrities. You know, like real ones, not like mom.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the lifeworms table.

Oh, this is it. You found it. It's right here.

Thank you.

I'm Katrina. Katrina, I know. I'm a big fan of your work. I'm Carl.

That doesn't sound right.

Here's the deal. You give your little speech. They bring out old Silas of the

Lambs, kiss, kiss, and everybody loves you again.

I'm not going to kiss that lamb. He's a pig.

In ten minutes, the whole thing will be over and we can all relax.

Look, the head of the network is talking to Katrinka's breasts.

I remember when he used to talk to my breasts that way.

They're replacing me. Tell me now before I kiss that lamb.

You have nothing to worry about. Katrinka's red hot right now. She never

to do life forms.

Really? You're not just saying that?

Guess who?

Jim!

I thought you had to meet a client.

I do, but I know how important tonight is to you. So I thought I'd just stop by

and let you know that if I could be here, I would.

Well, it's a shame you can't be here, because if you could be here, then I

tell you how much it means to me that you are here.

You're still coming by after, right?

Of course.

I'm not going to let you leave for a business trip without the proper send

Am I interrupting?

Always.

I've got to go. I'll see you later.

There's something fishy about that guy, Sybil. He's just too, I don't know,

perfect. Yeah, I hate that in a man.

Why don't you come out and say it, Ira? You think he's too young for me.

Look how many men here are with younger women. Somehow that's okay.

But when a woman does it, everybody's threatened.

I'm not threatened.

I never said anything about his age.

I've just got this feeling about him I thought you should know.

Listen, Dad, next time you feel like biting into my life... Ladies and

gentlemen, please welcome the current star of Lifeform, Sybil Sheridan.

Who are you calling current? I read it off the card.

Thank you all for being here tonight.

As you know, I've gotten some bad press recently.

But you know what they say.

There's no bad press as long as they spell your name right.

I appreciate this opportunity to set the record straight.

No one likes animals more than Sybil Sheridan. Isn't that right, Silas?

I'm on my way to Jim's house. What do you think?

Pearls? No pearls? Belt? No belt?

Clothes? No clothes?

Ah, so tonight's the night.

Are you out at the perfect phase, or are you hopped up on yabba -dabba -doo?

Let's just say my breakaway underwear is halfway to Jim's house.

Oh, Marianne, it was so incredible.

We were at the banquet, staring into each other's eyes, and at that moment...

Knock, knock.

That happened.

Marianne, I need to talk to Sybil, privately.

Just between the two of us.

Okay, Ira, make it fast. I've got a date.

I came to apologize.

Okay, I'll wait for that.

You know how I'm always saying to my best friend, well, I wasn't a very good

friend tonight.

You were there for me when I broke up with Holly. I should have been there for

you. You know, to help you through your little lamb fiasco.

I could have been more sensitive, so I'm sorry.

Is that it?

Yeah, unless you've got something to eat.

What about Jim?

I have no right to meddle. I'm your ex -husband, not your father.

Right. And although I respect our friendship, I do not need your approval.

Agreed?

Agreed.

You're a strong woman, Sybil. You've never needed help picking relationships

the past.

And hey, your track record speaks for itself.

Hmm. You're getting way too good at that.

Homemade chicken and dumplings. That makes me smile from here to there.

There's something about that accent that drives me crazy.

Sure enough.

Go away, Ira!

No, it's my mother.

You're not laughing.

I forgot I lend her my suitcase. She's dropping it off for my trip, which is

great because I really want you to meet her.

You're only the two most important women in my life.

Ma, thanks, Ma. You're the best.

Pleased to make your acquaintance, little.

Jimmy told me so much about you.

Well, it's nice to meet you, too.

I love your dress.

Jimmy gave it to me.

No kidding.

Well, I'll just put this in the bedroom.

Isn't she great?

Isn't this a little weird?

What? The resemblance.

Between who? Between me and the other me.

Well, I'm off.

Now, you have a safe trip, Jimmy.

And don't forget your earmuffs. It gets mighty cold in New York.

Yes, Mom.

Don't you forget yours. You know the leaf blower man comes tomorrow.

I know. Isn't it cute?

Now, where were we?

I was being creeped out while you were doing your own production of Oedipus

Wreck.

Sibyl, you're overreacting just because you're wearing the same dress.

What you gave to your mother and your date.

Then there's the hair and the accent.

And the snort.

Can't you see it? You're dating your own mother.

That's thick.

Duh.

Can we please talk about this, Sibyl?

Okay.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I was overreacting.

Did you wash your hands, young man?

Too late.

Ira was right.

And it's all your fault.

Now go to your room, young man, and think about what you've done.

Someone took my parking space.

Could one of you guys take care of that?

Thanks.

Where's my chair? The one with my name on it.

The one that says I have a job.

Sybil! Hi, how are you?

You look great.

Thank you, but do I look employed?

Listen, you and I go way back.

The network figured it'd be a little easier coming from me.

They were wrong.

I've been fired before.

but they were always classy enough to do it behind my back.

The lamb incident really hurt the show. Just look at the kind of letters we've

been getting.

The mean lady scares me.

There are thousands of these, and I'm not even including some very vicious

macaroni collages.

So who's replacing me, Katrinka?

We're going younger, right?

Well, sort of.

Let's just say they're going a different way.