Original subtitles

This is Sybil Sheridan, star of Lifeforms. We're moving.

Watch us at our exciting new time, Sundays at 7, here on WATP.

Right opposite 60 Minutes, where we're going to get our asses kicked.

Sorry.

Hi, St. Louis. I'm Sybil Sheridan, star of Lifeforms. We're moving.

Watch us at our exciting new sucky time, Sundays at 7, here on KSUCK.

What? What'd I say?

Hi, Memphis.

I'm Sybil Sheridan, star of Lifeforms. We're moving.

Watch us at our exciting new time, Sundays at 7.

Okay, I know you're probably watching 60 Minutes, but come on. I was born and

raised in Memphis. I put you on the map. You owe me.

Name one other celebrity from Memphis more famous than me.

Elvis.

taking that vow nice work if you can get it and if you get it won't you

tell me how

okay how does

this sound to whom it may concern please don't put life forms during sybil

sheridan opposite 60 minutes my family and i watch sybil sheridan every week we

would hate to see sybil sheridan disappear

Yours truly, former president Jimmy Carter.

Very good. Now I'll sign Rosalind's name.

More iced tea, ma 'am?

No, thank you.

More breadsticks?

No. More declarations of remorse and pleas for forgiveness?

Sean?

Remember the last time I was here and you bothered me? Remember how I told you

to respect my boundaries or I would leave?

Look, here I go.

Boundaries? I thought you said respect your laundry.

Respect your laundry.

She was leaving. I panicked.

Why won't she just talk to me?

Well, maybe you forgot to put the salad dressing on the side, or maybe you got

caught with another woman in the volcano room in the Twin Coconuts Motel.

I said I was sorry. Doesn't she understand I'll never love anybody else?

Of course you will, Sean.

Someday you'll meet another woman.

You'll marry her.

She'll give you a child.

And then one afternoon you'll be to barbecue at Lyle Wagner's house.

And there'll be a little blonde in tight jeans and cheap slingbacks. And

everyone will know about it except the mother of your son. But she'll find out.

23rd anniversary with Dr.

Dick.

And I spent all morning looking for the perfect gift.

It's impossible to find a tailor who can sew a scorpion into a pair of Speedos.

Here we go again.

You send him a scorpion in his shorts. He sends you a rattlesnake in a hat. You

keep your relationship so angry and bitter.

What's your secret?

Fresh from our baker's oven, direct to you.

I'd read it while it's hot.

Dear Zoe, sometimes you don't realize how perfect something is until you lose

it. If you need to punish me, that's okay, but let's do it together.

No, Sean, I'm not getting in the middle of this. Please, before you say no, just

consider this.

Free dessert.

Oh, goody.

The one person in the restaurant over whom I have absolute power has dumbled.

Come, busboy.

Time to count the forks. Why?

Because it will amuse me.

Forks, knives, spoons, who cares? My Zoe is gone.

Hey,

Kevin, how's it going?

Well, my life is an experiment in suffering and torment.

And you?

Good, thanks.

Hi!

They had another fight, didn't they?

Well, he said something about suffering and torment.

It's a safe bet Rachel was involved.

Hey, Mom, listen. I'm meeting this guy for coffee tonight, and my car's in the

shop. Can I use yours?

You're dating again. That's great.

Okay, you can use the car, but on one condition.

Oh, no. You want to meet the guy, don't you?

You want to run a credit check and get a thumbprint.

Wow, I was going to say bring it back tonight because I need it in the

but that's way better.

You know, you wouldn't have this problem with a guy where someone your mom

already knew.

Like Sean.

Dad, will you stop it about Sean already?

God!

What do you think you're doing?

I'm meddling, okay?

You know she still likes him. I like him, too.

He's smart, he's polite, he's easily frightened.

He's every father's dream.

to midnight.

My anniversary is officially over and nothing from Dr. Dick.

He had to notice that I rerouted his sewer line into his ice maker.

Oh, don't give up hope.

Maybe your gift is being held at the post office. You know, for the bomb

That's sweet of you, darling, but it's time for me to stop fooling myself.

I'm loathing a man who...

No longer loathes me.

Hello, anybody else?

We're in here, Zoe!

I actually met her date and I love him. I can't wait to hear how it went.

Here's a funny idea. Let's ask her.

Yeah, and she'll open up to me for the first time in her life and we'll stay up

all night sharing her hopes and dreams over steaming mugs of cocoa?

That's so funny.

Nothing. How was your date?

He was boring, so I killed him. Do you have any room in the freezer?

I'll get the cocoa.

Zoe, why didn't you like that nice boy?

Oh, because I did.

Well, that's it. Next time you bring home a really nice guy, I'm just going

haul off and slap him.

Forget it. I'm never dating again.

Stupid, futile dance that only leads to disappointment and bitterness.

Zoe, you had one bad date.

No, she's right.

Lobster. But that doesn't make up for the inevitable heartache and betrayal.

Although, don't get me wrong, always order the lobster.

Okay, Kevin, don't talk to me. Watch the Discovery Channel. Our marriage isn't

nearly as important as staring at chimpanzees picking nits out of each

butts.

I hope we have Haagen -Dazs.

Okay, that's it.

There's enough negative energy in this room to sink the Titanic again.

We've got to rekindle our natural joy, unleash our spiritual energy.

Uh -oh, I'm sensing something new -agey here.

It's okay, just don't make eye contact with her.

Tomorrow night is the full moon, and we are all going to howl at it.

with the moon.

Yeah, well, then we went to school and found out we were just a little bit

different.

Well, I could use some joy.

And I like your mother's rituals. I find them very invigorating.

Like that time we went to that strange temple and heaved those mystical spheres

at that formation of totems.

Marianne, that was bowling.

the moon.

Wait, it's there behind that cloud.

Mother,

mother, you're baying at a police helicopter.

All right.

Hi, officer.

Okay, there's the moon.

Come on, girl.

to the natural force that moves your inner rhythm.

You're not going to be happy until we're all menstruating at the same time, are

you?

Zoe, one more time.

Back when people used to live in the wild, all women's periods were in sync

the lunar cycle.

animal fur.

Zoe, what howls?

Furry things.

Not dead furry things.

We're out here to commune with Mother Nature, not piss her off.

Well, I didn't know what to wear. I left the house in leader hose, and then I

remembered howling, not yodeling.

Take it off!

Okay, Mother, thanks for the howl. I'm reborn.

Can I go?

Okay, now, people, it's up to you. The sooner we get harmonious, the sooner

we're out of here.

And I brought a beautiful Opry Howell port, so let's go.

One, two, all right.

I hope it's not animal control again.

Okay, we're doing great. Can you feel it? Let's keep it going.

One, two, all right.

Do you want to take it?

Okay.

Uh -oh.

Hey, Sheridan, does my pool look like a dump site to you?

Bad enough I got a trip with a howling in the new age hippie crap.

Now I got to listen to somebody named Sean telling me he loves me.

You're not Kevin.

No, I'm Sean.

I'm sorry.

It's fine. I like you being Sean. I thought it was Kevin back from his

meeting. Come on in.

I just came over to see how your talk with Zoe went.

You know, Sean, I think maybe she needs more time.

Okay, I get it. She'll never be mine, which means we'll never get on that used

Harley and ride across the country.

I guess I'll just have to go alone.

Unless you'd like to come with me, Mr. Woodward.

Sean, I am really fighting the impulse to give you a nuggy right now.

Excuse me.

Coming through. I have to hold my child.

I need reassurance that somewhere, somehow, there's a living organism that

judging me.

How'd the interview go?

Well, let's just say that the Pomona School of Canine Grooming will not be

forming a psychology department this year.

The big booger heads.

Well, I guess I should go.

Oh, God, no one will ever love me.

Thanks again for all your help.

Hang in there, Sean. You know, you've been great, Mr. Woodbine. A lot of

fathers, they wouldn't have understood how that other girl didn't mean

It was just physical.

Other girl?

Other physical girl?

You cheated on my baby?

Oh, this is bad.

This is gonna be worse than a noogie.

All this time I've been helping you and you cheated on my baby?

Frankly, we all thought that was kind of strange.

You knew?

I can't believe this. I'm always the last to know.

Although that makes perfect sense. Because if anybody had told me, you'd be

eating through a straw.

Excuse me.

Impressionable young mind here.

Thanks, man.

He meant the baby, you idiot!

Ira, I know this is a difficult situation.

I want him out of here. We need to discuss this in a calm, rational manner.

please. How? How can I be calm?

The same way I am now calm after having been humiliated by a trade school.

William, you ready to do your magic?

Huh? Come on. Oh, Kevin, this isn't going to work.

Just take it.

I'm still mad.

Aren't I, William?

Yes, I am.

Are you sure it's safe for me to be here?

Little William is a fuzzy head. Yes, he is.

Yeah, I think so.

See, I have this theory that a child's innocence diffuses hostility.

And as men, we don't experience this often enough. You know, that's why

war, crime, and full scholarships for linebackers who can barely scratch their

name in the ground with a stick while the psychology department goes begging

them. Give me, give me, give me. Come on, don't Bogart the baby.

it's time to drum.

Oh God, something new.

Not new, Rachel.

This goes back thousands of years.

The sound of the drum is the voice of Mother Earth.

I know it sounds weird, but it's really fun. Can we please try it?

Yes, Sister Woman Earth Mama.

There's a drum for everyone.

That's not yours. That's Rachel's. This one's yours.

Oh, I don't want that one. That'll make my hips look enormous.

Just take it.

Oh, you are so controlling.

I am not controlling. Just take this drum and go sit over there.

when I was shooting Desert Zombies 4, The Decapitation.

Which, by the way, is the gem of the Desert Zombies series.

Excuse me, that movie got a full half star in TV Guide.

Anyway, there was a woman from Sedona and she came to the set. She got us all

drumming and it was so spiritual and empowering and truly joyful.

I'm going to start a rhythm.

Y 'all join in.

We have to deal with the pain and anger.

Marianne, tell us your pain.

Okay.

I wanted Rachel's drum and you wouldn't let me have it.

Dig a little deeper, would you please?

Honestly, I have no idea what you want me to say.

Well, remember when you and Richard... Oh, I'll take it from here.

It was our first year of marriage.

for months for a set of press -on nails.

Just something to make me feel a little different from the other fry cooks at

Fatburger.

And when I got home, he had broken them all, using them as picks for his damn

banjo. And I scratched his eyes out.

But with what?

Doesn't he think I know he's having a hard time?

Doesn't he think I want to help?

He just keeps it all inside.

All the pain, pain, pain.

Why is he doing it?

Why, why, why?

Because he wants to protect me, and that's why I love him.

But he won't let me in, so I'm mad, mad, mad, mad, mad.

Wait a minute.

I'm so angry and frustrated, I keep pushing him, and the more I push him,

more he shuts down.

I just need to let him come to me.

I knew that was a good drum. Give it to me.

Marianne, you've already gone three times. You should be well into rejoicing

now. I want to go again. No!

Zoe, it's your turn.

No, thank you. Come on, it'll make you feel better. I'm feeling fine. Fine,

Mother. I just want to leave before we coat ourselves in ash and start chewing

bark.

Duh, like we would ever chew bark before we do the snail dance.

Damn it, that girl is going to rejoice.

Here it kills her.

So, how's it going?

Look, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm really fine, okay?

Zoe, I know you. You're not fine. Really? How do you know that?

Some moon -driven Earth Mother instinct?

Well... That and the fact you're watching Saved by the Bell goes to

Ew! Ew! Ew! God, get off! Get off! Ew!

Zoe,

I know you hate to talk to me about your personal life, but just think about

this. I now have the remote and Saved by the Bell are still on.

Okay, Mom.

Just tell me something.

He said that what he did was just physical, right?

Didn't mean anything?

How could it not mean anything?

How could he throw away our relationship for something that didn't mean

anything?

Honey, I know it sounds crazy, but men honestly believe that.

Which is why we should pity them and keep them in cages.

I hate it that I still care about him.

It was different when I was in Europe this summer. I didn't think about him

once.

And then when I got back, we agreed to email each other, and that was supposed

to be it.

He broke the rules. He made me laugh. He wrote me poetry.

He made me start to miss him again.

Damn it! I'm so mad at myself!

Sounds like you're mad at the wrong person. No, it's my fault. I let myself

remember how great it was, and now I can't stop thinking about him.

This is ridiculous. How can I even think about wanting him back?

What's wrong with me? Do I have, like, Elizabeth Hurley disease?

Do you want him back?

I'd be an idiot to give him another chance.

Don't you think I'd be an idiot?

You care what I think?

Too late. You said it. It's out.

Listen, honey, no matter what you do in life, someone's going to think you're an

idiot for doing it, so you might as well do what makes you happy. I know, but I

don't think I can ever forget about what he did to me.

I know you never could, right?

I mean, you're just as mad at him as I am, right?

You care what I feel about Sean? Wow, that's twice in one night.

If I knew when I brought out those drums, you would open up to me and we

connect. Mother, mother, mother, mother.

Can we please keep this to 25 words or less?

If you forgive Sean, I'll forgive Sean.

Okay.

Well, I'm not saying I will, but thank you.

I've got 18 words left.

Let's talk about college.

I love you.

Okay, William.

Time to go home to grandmom's.

Hey, tell me something, Ira. You used to live with Mother Sheridan. What are

they doing tonight that I had to be out of the house for?

I don't exactly know.

It's some ancient ritual that's been done the same way since the dawn of

Look either way.